David Zucker can't even blame the liberal media for the shit reviews for An American Carol, a spoof of A Christmas Carol that makes fun of Michael Moore and gays and all that P.C. stuff. Even right-wing critics hated the movie, and the box office stubs show that Zucker, who once commanded such great parodies as Airplane! and Top Secret! now can't even make a film that fares better than Disaster Movie, arguably the worst film of all time (according to IMDB).
So now you can officially tell your friends that Bill O'Reilly kills everything he touches with his cold, clammy, fish hands.
Oh, and if you want watch a completely wacky promotional trailer where all these conservative nutjobs pretend they watched the film and didn't just read the blurb in their paper, it's after the jump:
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• Michael Moore, chubby liberal nutjob or marketing genius?
• "Newspapers read like they're put out by terrified bureaucracies," writes Columbia Journalism Review. Um, that's because they are, says Dean Starkman (a.k.a. "Obvious Guy.")
• The new TVNewser reveals his top-secret identity! Oh no, wait—we already knew that.
• Jack Shafer fought Bill Keller, and Bill Keller won. Easily.
• Internet video advertising costs projected to reach an estimated 4.3 billion over the next four years, thanks in large part to CNN.
• WaPo praises Steve McPherson for having "great programming instincts" and a "low hooey threshold." Which explains why the guy can't stand Ben Silverman.
After days of fighting tooth and nail with CNN, Michael Moore is finally ready to move on and let bygones be bygones. Well, sort of.
You see, Moore isn't exactly used to throwing in the towel, which explains why he's actually not very good at it. And so, when he says he's "willing to move on," what he actually means is, he can't wait to sucker-punch Wolf Blitzer again. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
"It's ironic that someone who has made a career out of holding powerful interests accountable is so sensitive to having his own work held up to the light by impartial journalists, as we did in our examination of Sicko," reads in part a prepared statement from CNN, before they go on to attempt to shoot down Moore's claims one-by-one.
• When asked to clarify his feelings on Dow Jones, Ron Burkle winked and said, "Yeah, you know I'd like to get a piece of that," before reaching up for a high-five.
• Ivanka Trump has zero interest in joining morning trainwreck otherwise known as The View.
• Impossibly, the Conrad Black jury claims they're utterly incapable of unanimously reaching a (guilty) verdict.
• Michael Moore "live-chats" with HuffPo about healthcare, politics and, of course, how much he hates Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
• Amy Jacobson 'devastated' over termination. "I thought they would suspend me and then support me," she tells the Chicago Sun-Times.
• Reputed rivalry between Tina Brown and Graydon Carter gets exponentially more heated boring.
• Brandon Davis takes time out of his busy birthday-party-ruining schedule to trash his brother's wedding.
• Michael Moore rants and raves at Wolf Blitzer for 11 zany minutes, then demands an apology from CNN.
• Paris Hilton is already well on her way towards poisoning America's youth.
• Sources say Posh's boring television special is completely representative of her non-existent personality.
• Alec Baldwin tries to disassociate himself from that shitty movie he starred in co-produced.
• The former VP of the United States introduced himself to a room full of celebrity-turned-environmentalist types by saying, "My name is Al Gore, and I'm a recovering politician."
• Madonna and Cher share Pride in an transparent effort to cater to their primarily gay fanbase (including Madge's baby daddy!) Related: Experts attribute Cher's difficulty in smiling due to a countless number of Botox procedures and a puzzling inability to accept her daughter's lesbianism.
• No matter how many slutty off-the-shoulder tops she wears, Britney Spears can't seem to keep her nipples away from the paparazzi.
• First, Michael Moore gets booted from Larry King Live in favor of Paris. Now, he's getting slammed by PETA. Hehe. Fatty.
• Interview? What interview? Paris will receive $1 million to teach a 1-hour class at the Learning Annex entitled "I Can't Believe I Slept With Jack Osbourne."
• Elisha Cuthbert gets confused, forgets to remove her giant orange arm-floaties after exiting the pool.
• Mandy Moore cockblocks her ex-boyfriend, Zach Braff, by writing a mean song about him on her next album. Take that, J.D.!
• Meanwhile, witnesses report Braff was "touch-feely" with his date at Shakespeare in the park, describing his plus one as "very cute in jeans in a black camisole." And the Scrubs star? "He looked schlumpy," and, presumably, awkward and effeminate.
• In addition to being a shitty driver, Paris Hilton is also a highly irresponsible pet owner. "We're shocked," admits PETA, who then pauses and adds, "Um, that was sarcasm?"
• Britney Spears is a temper tantrum-throwing control freak, insiders close to the pop tart claim. Says one earwitness, "She got very upset and stormed out of the shoot and wouldn't come back. She is not listening to anyone and doing exactly what she wants. But sometimes she doesn't know best." Ah, truer words have never been spoken.
• Michael Moore to throw his (ample) weight behind an Al Gore presidential campaign.
• It took Ashlee Simpson 8 hours at the hair salon and six rhinoplasties to look this good. And you thought you were high maintenance!
• Lindsay Lohan can't stop shopping! She is single handedly supporting our country's commerce. [The Scoop]
• Pink is the New Blog celebrates its second birthday by chronicling the demise of Britney Spears. Really, is there any other way to celebrate a special occasion? [Pink is the New Blog]
• An amputee war veteran is suing Michael Moore … for eating his legs and then falsely portraying him in Fahrenheit 9/11 as a man left behind by the administration. [E!]
• Elizabeth Spiers is throwing a little soiree for her blog Dealbreaker. This even will mark the first ever blogger party full of rich straight guys. [Page Six]
• Jake Gyllenhaal's latest rumored fling? Natalie Portman. Really, we just want to say, "finally!" These two hotties are so meant to be . (This may explain why we saw Kirsten Dunst looking quite drab and forlorn, smoking cigarettes outside an inconspicuous Nolita bar last night.) [People]
• Kristen Cavallari of Laguna Beach is in, Lindsay Lohan is out. Just ask the presidents of cool over at the Washington Post [WaPo]
• Was your NYE in NYC a total bust? Star magazine proves you're not alone. Celebs worth seeing hate it here, too. [Star]
• A great many people share the honorable birthday of January 1st, including the first two babies born in New York City in 2006. [NYP]
• Nobody besides Matt Drudge is talking about Michael Moore's new movie Sicko (including Michael Moore). Oh, we're onto you, Drudgie. [Variety, Drudge Report]
• Even though she's a racist bliatch, Eva Longoria's boyfriend wants to marry her. Says the Enquirer. [National Enquirer]
• After making up some story about knowing Jack Nicholson, Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler flee Aspen in a state of shame. [Rush & Molloy]
• Oh no he didn't. Trying to talk to you ex's best friend like you didn't totally play her girl is a bad idea. Even if you're Brad Pitt and the friend is Courtney Cox. [Female First]
• Without Coca-Cola, movies would totally tank. Without Matt Drudge, people could enjoy the simple art of entertainment again. But alas, he will not stop. And neither will we. [Slate]
• Jennifer Lopez has been telling her camp that all she wants now is an Oscar, but her handlers say the only way that's going to happen is if she becomes a "serious" actress, which requires giving up her mass market business ventures. No more Glo by J. Lo? [The Insider]
• Al Reynolds was busted yesterday morning for driving with a suspended license, which might mean he's learned his lesson about taking a comp'd limo ride around town to gay clubs. He used his one phone call to ring wifey Star Jones, who made no effort to join him at the police station. [NYDN]
• Joe Francis has taken on a new project, but it's not involving college girls, liquor and a video camera. At least not yet. He's taken Laguna Beach's Talan Torriero under his wing, teaching him about the birds, the bees and how to break into an industry that Francis isn't even a part of. [Lowdown]
• Britney Spears believes she's somehow qualified to judge the singing ability of others, namely husband Kevin Federline. His efforts at a rock demo got laughed at by the pop tart, which is funny because that's how critics approach her music. [The Scoop]
• What's more fun than two fashion houses' public feuding? The daughters of two fashion houses' public feuding. Margherita Missoni and Francesca Versace are in separate corners as they fight over Ernst August, son of Germany's Prince Ernst of Hanover. As if they need something else to not eat over. [Page Six
• Just because Michael Moore barely employs any black people, invested in Halliburton and HMOs and lives in a community where no blacks live doesn't make him a hypocrite. [Page Six
• Why is Janet Jackson so vehemently denying that she's a mother of an 18 year old girl? Because she may have a little Wacko Jacko on the way, courtesy of Jermaine Dupri. [R&M]
• Oh look, it's Michael Jackson blaming someone else for his financial woes. [AP]
• Michael Moore headed off to the Pritikin Longevity Center & Spa in Florida, which is less "spa" than it is "fat farm."
• Bijou Phillips made good on her raucous reputation by bailing on a cover shoot for Justin Mitchell's Social Life magazine, leaving him out $5,000 and scrambling to find a new face for the cover. He ended up with Taryn Manning and Bijou ended up partying at Marquee.
• Michael Jackson foe Diane Dimond, of Court TV, is penning a 400-page tome on the pop star complete with "sources no one has ever heard from." Oooh!
• Hamptonites attending the Bridgehampton Mercedes-Benz Polo Challenge were greeted with union workers picketing the Two Tree Stables site over owner Dave Walentas's treatment of employees.
• Don't leave the New York Daily News out of the Dolce & Gabbana low-rise "pubic pants" debate. They've got opinions too, ya know.
• Rudy Giuliani's smashed headlight gets an item all to itself.
• Paula Abdul will likely remain a judge on American Idol, even while she dallies with "roving correspondent" duties on So You Think You Can Dance. Fox hired an independent counsel to look into Corey Clark's allegations of misconduct, but if they don't find anything once auditions start August 18, she's free to rejoin Simon and Randy.
• Stephen Dorff is moving on quickly from Pamela Anderson's snub, landing in the arms of heiress Alexandra Miller von Furstenberg, ex-wife to Alexandre von Furstenberg.
• Newsstand owner Nagi Nashal is headed to prison for six months stemming from his threats to blow up the New York Post's circulation offices after they printed Saddam Hussein in this tighty whities on the cover. We were just as angry, but probably for very different reasons.
• Moby suddenly switched gears on his feelings for Eminem. Now that the rapper is said to be retiring, the tea phene thinks the "world of music would be a poorer place" without him. Meanwhile, Em is apparently still in love with the woman he wants to kill, Kim Mathers.
• If you can't get enough of Jann Wenner's cleanly desk policies, perhaps you'll enjoy a dose of Jannerisms.
• Michael Moore gets sappy at his Traverse City Film Festival, which is playing home to right-wing protestors. Oh, and films.
Like all of Michael Moore's contributions to film, the conservatives continue to feel left out of the spotlight. They've already served up alternatives to his Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 9/11, and now they're looking to his Traverse City Film Festival in Michigan to dish out another right-wing option.
Moore's Traverse festival July 27-31, which will overlap with the new Freedom Festival (can't they get over naming everything with "freedom?").
"I like it when Republicans take ideas of mine," said Moore, a Flint, Mich. native who has residences in neighboring Antrim County and New York City. "I have a few more where those came from, if they'd like to sit down and talk."
Like, say, diet tips.
Editorial Director
