• Mischa Barton's lookalike younger sis has jumped on the rehab bandwagon.

• Meanwhile, Mischa demonstrates her own normalcy by crashing new bestie Nicole Richie's car.

• Tom Brady put his apartment on the auction block as fast as ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan could blurt out the words, "I'm pregnant."

• Easter came two months early this year…with the arrival of Britney Spears: The Cookie.

• Ex-con restaurateur Jeffrey Chodorow declares war on Times' food critic, Frank Bruni.

• And in semi-related news, 'Naomi Watts is pregnant!' declares Us magazine. 'And Us is never wrong!' declares Sarcastic Guy.

• Christina Aguilera is spotted purchasing baby gear; NYDN gossips spotted wetting themselves out of excitement.

It's time for another edition of a new feature we'd like to call "Lyrics Re-Examined," in which we take a song that may once have been poignant and topical, extract a verse out of context, and admire the way in which its outdated lyrics now carry a whole new meaning.

Today's Example: "I'll Never Break Your Heart" by Backstreet Boys

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die, then live without you
I'll give you all of me, honey that's no lie

In-Depth Analysis:

THEN:
Lovebirds Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler invade each other's personal space during happier days

NOW:
Rumors abound that Mischa and Cisco broke up over a leaked crotch-shot on ParisExposed.com

Cisco "Big Balls" Adler dumped by his paramour over a mere—albeit horrifying—photograph? Oh, how quickly love fades…

Previous Lyrics Re-Examined: Jill Sobule - "Supermodel"

• After three whole hours of sipping wine, Cameron Diaz dished that her new surfer boyfriend has a penis like 9-inch long breadstick!

• Meanwhile, Justin Timberlake to show off his own manhood by performing "Dick in a Box" (with SNL's Andy Sambrrg) at Madison Square Garden.

• Isaac Cohen has supposedly dumped Britney Spears while simultaneously pet sitting for her annoying yappy dog.

• Mischa Barton reportedly dumped Cisco Adler because of his naked, NSFW pic that hit the internet amdist Paris Hilton's giant bag o' crap. Also, because of his "creepy beard."

• Posh and Becks go on vacay, giving Victoria a "much-needed" break from her busy schedule of designing clothes for full-figured women and eating only 300 calories a day.

• The media rep for the Wonderland Center also reps NY Post octogenarian gossip, Liz Smith! Upcoming: Lindsay Lohan to "flip out," Cindy Adams to write incessantly about her Yorkies and Liz Smith to dine with some "really, really old people" at Elaine's.

• Heidi Montag (from that MTV show, The Hills) hopes to inspire underage teenage girls across the country by stripping down for a sleazy, Stuff mag photo-spread.

Mischa Barton wasn't exactly sympathetic when she heard that The O.C. was going to be canceled. You'd think she might have shown some allegiance to the show that launched her career [Ed: If being the Keds poster-child really constitutes a "career"] but nope, Barton was pretty much just a straight-up bitch about it:

When asked if she was surprised that the show had been axed she told Fox News, "No. They killed me off."

When asked if she had been one of the main reasons that fans tuned into the show, she added, "That's what I think they discovered."

Yep, that's exactly the kind of 'tude you'd expect from a non-working actress doubling as a full-time sneaker-peddler.

Sunday's New York Times had a captivating article on the current, pathetic state of Fashion Week in New York. It's full of celeb bashing and fat model bashing and the most elite snobbery we've indulged in in quite some time. But perhaps the most intriguing of all was a description of how hard Mischa Barton works. We dare say she may even be working harder than Lindsay Lohan.

And this may be the time to say to all those people who cruelly deride young actresses as relentlessly driven strobe-addicted publicity hounds that being one is hard work.

Looks like all that hard work paid off — especially for her publicist, who is having a freakin' field day in light of yesterday's double homage to Mischa in the Times and New York Post

CONTINUED »

Oh, Haley Joel Osment. What happened to the days when he was teaching Tom Hanks to read? Now he's just a generic child star gone wild. Must be all that hanging around with Mischa Barton. (Don't let the Keds fool you, skinny bitch is crizazy.) Well, Osment is on dope. And the sauce. And he's drivin' around all Mel Gibson style through LA.

Do you see? Do you see what kind of terrible influence celebs have on our youth celebs?

At 1:20PM (PST) today the kid was charged with:

• Driving under the influence of alcohol
• Driving with a .08 blood alcohol level or higher
• Enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher
• Possession of marijuana while driving

Haley Joel Osment, 18, will be charged Thursday with misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol. Osment will also be charged with driving with a .08 blood alcohol level or higher, with an enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher. And Osment will be charged with misdemeanor possession of marijuana while driving. He will also be charged with the infraction of driving under the age of 21 with a blood alcohol level of .05 or higher.

The mid-day bake doesn't shock us. He's got the stoner hair. But a .08 or higher at 1:20? That would even impress our grandma! Must've been one hell of a Thursday brunch.

Haley Joel Osment To Be Charged With DUI/Pot Possession [TMZ]

• As if we hadn't had enough, there's still more on Michael Yon's crazy campaign to stop Hachette. [Media Orchard]

• Mischa Barton is forced to support her deadbeat musician boyfriend. Her and Britney Spears should start, like, some kind of a support group. [Lowdown]

• Maggie Gyllenhaal will bare her newly pregger belly for indy bible BlackBook magazine. [Page Six]

• Everyone would rather watch a cheesy animated car movie that be exposed to the horror of Jack Black in spandex. [ABC]

• Lara Flynn Boyle eats an apple, becomes a fat ass. We wonder if this means the Enquirer will finally take down their favorite skeletara poster? [Us Weekly]

• Christina Aguilera admits that wearing clothing "makes her feel uncomfortable." [Sun]

• George Clooney's trash is Jeremy Piven's treasure. Is this one staying in Vegas? [Page Six]

• The golden rule of tabloid gossip is broken — Anthony Pellicano's tapes reveal rag sources, and dishers are named. Hmm, wonder why they say gossips have no ethics? [Lowdown]

• Nicole Kidman feels connected to her adopted children's birth parents. "We're just a big, strange family." Yeah, we doubt those people want any part of Tom Cruise's big strange anything. [People]

• Coyotes should have Mischa Barton and Rachel Bilson's leftovers for dinner. In fact, they should just have Mischa and Rachel for dessert, too. [3am]

• Mischa Barton wants out of The O.C. — and into leather and whips. [SF Gate]

• Laddy lit is back, yo! [NYT]

• Why do celebs choose baby names like Moses and Moxie CrimeFighter? Because they're narcissistic egomaniacs, that's why. [NYT]

• Kit Seelye didn't completely slack off today: She's on the trail of Daniel Pearl's widow Mariane writing items for Glamour that might not be listicles. [NYT]

• We call it Paid $ix, others call it Burkle Watch. Dot com. [Burkle Watch]

• Which celeb baby matters more: TomKat's or Brangelina's? USA Today, and probably about 118 million Americans, want to know. [USA Today]

• Jessica Simpson might have to pay yet another group of whining bitches. [TSG]

• Leif Garrett gets sentanced to jail, while Kate Moss is still roaming free. [AP]

• Supposedly she's roaming right back to Calvin Klein. [Socialite's Life]

• Mischa Barton hopes to break her "teen brat" typecast. And acting like a spoiled bitch is supposed to accomplish that. [SBN]

• Now that The Da Vinci Code court case has been decided in Dan Brown's favor, can we please, please see the movie? [Sky]

• Next week's issue of New York predicts the most fought over paparazzi photo ever will be the Brangalina baby … but with Katie Holmes' alien child scheduled to pop out first, it's gonna' be a close call.

• Tom Hanks goes to Japan and talks to the Prime Minister. Of all the crucial topics to discuss, they chose hair. [Defamer]

• "Bob Woodruff's Cameraman" otherwise known as Doug Vogt, heads on home. [Reuters]

• The Vanity Fair Oscar party is like a big prom for Hollywood, but more expensive and much more annoying. Oh, thank God we live in New York. [Biz Bash]

• Zach Braff and Mandy Moore continue to deny wedding rumors. We guess they're wedding registry is one of those "just for fun" kind of things. [The Superficial]

• Discrimination on Craigslist goes beyond race to the much more important issue of not being busted. [Curbed]

• Mischa Barton tries to steal our boyfriend. (Don't do it Jake — she doesn't wear tampons!) [I don't like you in that way]

• Governer Rod Blagojevich doesn't really get Jon Stewart's humor. But to be fair, us Illinois natives never claimed to understand much of anything. [AP News]

• American Media is in much too much debt, leading nerdy math kids to beleive that the tabloid bubble, like Katie Holmes' bump, will actually burst someday. [Economist]

• Mischa Barton tames her claws for the totally new and super awesome Jane magazine. [Socialite's Life]

• Today's "why Steve DeLuca got fired" theory: a fight over the color of the bev naps for the 1,000th issue party, which may or may not be actually taking place. [NYP]

• Well, he hasn't finalized his investment in the widely neglected Spin magazine, but publisher Tom Hartle is still trying to lure in former Blender-er Andy Pemberton for the EIC spot. [WWD]

• Colin Farrell is suing an ex-Price is Right gal for leaking his sex tape. Good thing she went to Northwestern Law. (Hear that NW J-students? Your future is as bright as the price is right.) [TMZ]

• Paris Hilton is such a silly, silly bitch! Props to Mischa Barton for bringing that to our attention. [The Scoop]

• If it ever actually opens, clubbers at the Pink Elephant will be drugged with pheromones from a scent machine. Finally, New York has a place where a girl can take that special date rapist in her life. [Page Six]

• Oh, snap. We can’t call Lindsay Lohan a "teen queen" anymore? How ever will we think of a new name for her? [AP]

• Normally, we wouldn't care where the hell Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams’ house is, but it happens to be an important aspect of our Jake Gyllenhaal stalking. [Flikr via Curbed]

• Laguna Beach's Kristin Cavalleri is auctioning off ten minutes of phone conversation for charity. So maybe her relationships with Stephen, shopping, and coke will do some good for this world. [Lowdown]

• More pointless Cindy Adams info: Zooey Deschanel would like you to know that though you may not recognize her on the street, she has definitely been to Bungalow 8. [Cindy Adams]

• Is Paris Hilton losing her edge? Mischa Barton doesn't even want to be associated with her. [3am]

• Teri Hatcher is going to have to snaz up her political talking points if she wants to keep bagging George Clooney. [The Scoop]

• While we appreciate the effort Halle Berry makes by promising not to make Catwoman II, but we still don't think we'll be seeing her in any movies. Y'know, in the off chance she gets offered a role. [People]

We couldn't actually click on the article, because our paychecks don't cover "New York Times Select" subscriptions …

…but we can take a guess what this article might be about.

A Stain on Subways and on the City [Clyde Haberman, NYT]

• People's exclusives are still beating Us Weekly's. [People]

• Finally, somebody said it. Tom Cruise = agent of Satan. [The Scoop]

• Won't somebody stop taking pictures and get Mischa Barton a tampon?! [JJB]

• Jessica Simpson is investing in artwork she understands: drawings of stick figures. [Page Six]

• According to Kirstie Alley, Scientology can do anything for you … except help you lose weight. [Rush & Molloy]

• Just what the world needs: a TV show about what happens on reality TV. We shed a tear remembering when Kennedy was the coolest. [Rush & Molloy]

• Black socks, they never get dirty…and if you don't wear them Tom Ford will beat you to a naked pulp. [Page Six]

• Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake do more than just surf and beat up paparazzi together. They save people. [Female First]

• When Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton fight with their boyfriends, they don't eat ice cream like normal girls. They run around, hiding in clubs, and speed off together into the night. [The Bitch]

• See what happens when you are the biggest bitch ever? We can't even keep track of all the people that want to sue this girl. [People]

• Ali Lohan signed up for Joe Simpson's A Lister class. She does need a new dad….[OANmedia]

• And we've been saving all month to send our new editor to learn blogging from Jessica Coen at the 92nd St. Y. [Gawker]

• 105 Time Inc. employees will have to cancel their Per Se reservations. [Ad Age]

• Yeah, we didn't really understand that whole "Colin Farrell man boobs" thing either. [Salon]

• Mischa Barton is terrified of Rachael Bilson's boobs. The Queerty guys are shuddering in agreement. [The Scoop]

• The new Hearst lifestyle mag, Weekend, staffs up for the launch. If you can sift through all the Time Inc. axings, that is. [Mediabistro]

Just when we thought the number of ridiculous FCC complaints couldn't grow any higher, we've got Nipplegate II to deal with. Sweet Mischa Barton – who'd rather you not talk about Brandon Davis, thank you very much – is at the center of a new squall since her nip popped out during last week's The O.C.

Producers and network censors didn't catch the slip and sent the broadcast to air, but as TVGasm will show you, there's reason for concern: actual areola. Not that the FCC won't be hitting the snooze button on this one.

Though really, is there anyone who hasn't seen Mischa's nibbles?

An 'O.C.' gaffe, quick as a flash [NYDN]
Broadcast Nudes [TVGasm]

• Kimberly Stewart and Mischa Barton are about to go all Tyra and Karrine, thanks to The O.C.'s starlet's romance with Cisco Adler, otherwise known as Kimberly's ex-fiance.

• Gigi Goyette has no idea why David Pecker's American Media wrote her a check for $20,000, since "nothing happened' between her and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her confusion, of course, didn't stop her from cashing the check.

• Jessica Simpson is chained to OK! magazine, in print and in real life. Not only is she still tied down to her $200,000 contract with the celeb rag that forbids her from giving exclusives to other glossies but she was kept roped off in a corner at OK!'s launch party at Hotel Gansevoort Tuesday night.

• Tom Cruise's church is reaching out to Kate Moss, hoping their no-drugs philosophy will sound more appealing than regular rehab.

• Dreamworks is laying the blame thick on Reese Witherspoon for her dismal Just Like Heaven opening weekend results, which saw just $16.5 million in ticket sales. Not that the plot or promotions had anything to do with is.