• Thanks a lot Kelly Clarkson. Now we have to see an entire VMA show with no Gwen Stefani. And what's the point of that? [Page Six]

• We think about Michael Bloomberg singing Shakira’s “My Hips Don’t Lie,” and the child inside of us dies. Thankfully. It's better to die than experience that. [NYDN]

• DMX finally returns, bringing along with him, the worst album title since William Hung’s “Hung for the Holidays” [Houston Press]

• You know Eminem is really bad when it causes a girl to write about him in her MySpace blog. [TMZ]

• We wonder what act of sexual deviance Vanessa Minnillo allowed Nick Lachey to perform to get him to forget about his ex-wife in just a week. [Page Six]

• Don't look to see Condoleezza Rice in any "I Love New York" ads anytime soon. After catching a Wednesday night performance of Spamalot (where she was booed when the lights came up), the Secretary of Insensitivity went shopping at Ferragamo on Fifth Avenue. While browsing thousands of dollars in new shoes (replacement dominatrix boots?), a horrified fellow shopper shouted, "How dare you shop for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless!" For being so forward, Condi rewarded her by having her security toss the shopper from the store — and then decided to cut her stay short to, uh, do her job.

• Nice to know Lil' Jon and R. Kelly have their egos intact, even when trapped in an elevator. When a guest at the Sagamore Hotel called a friend to let them know he was stuck, the duo snatched the phone and said, "Go ahead and tell them who you are stuck in the elevator with."

• Even though Michael Lohan is in the pokey for more sins than you can count, it's reassuring to know he still has a song in his heart. In response to daughter Lindsay's upcoming song about her strained relationship with her dad, Michael's come up with this ditty: "I loved and protected you, I was THERE through it all./I do admit, I did at times fall./But these things you know were due to "THEM"/The ones that want to have a piece of my gem!" Though it's Lindsay rocking the rocks, not daddy.

• Blame Bennifer 2.0! Or at least that's what Michael Vartan fans want you to do. After learning the former Jennifer Garner plaything was being written out of Alias, his "fans" started a slander campaign alleging, among other things, that nobody is allowed to mention Vartan's name on the set, everyone present must applaud Garner after each scene, no one can look at Garner going to or from her trailer and cast and crew aren't allowed to speak with her. Oh, and be polite to Ben Affleck, even though Vartan's friends can't stand him.

• What would Janice Dickinson do? Say attendees at her one woman show, not much. Besides starting half an hour late, she forgot her script and couldn't remember how her own stories went. When Bobby Trendy and Kimberly Stewart walked out, you know it's bad.

• So what do you do when your home confinement ends? Leave! Martha Stewart, along with daughter Alexis, was spotted yesterday morning, coffee cup in hand, getting in a caravan of SUVs headed to Westchester County Airport. No word on her destination, but we're betting she's not going to visit her former prison pals in West Virginia.

• Rapper Juvenile has mixed blessings during Katrina. The good news is that he was able to save his entire family, but the bad is that his home is totally destroyed. The rapper is urging that people keep the city in their prayers, and to donate to the Red Cross.

What was Suge Knight's top priority as he was carted away from Kanye West's VMA party after shooting himself in the leg?

Whipping out his mobile to play PR damage control.

• Thanks to Suge Knight's self-shooting at Kanye West's VMA party, The Game is running into trouble himself. He was set to attend the Magic Marketplace fashion convention in Las Vegas to promo his Hurricane sneaker by 310, but organizers forced him to leave fearing Knight might send some goons for retribution, even though he had nothing to do with the incident.

• There certainly wasn't any Madonna-Britney kiss to buoy ratings, but Diddy didn't do much to even maintain last year's VMA ratings. The MTV broadcast slipped 22 percent over last year, averaging just 8 million viewers from 10.3 million.

• As part of his reelection campaign, Mayor Michael Bloomberg is ripping on old friend Rudy Giuliani.

• Al Pacino could use some lessons with the ladies. Instead of making young starlets feel comfortable around him, he's scaring them off with his rude 'tude.

• It doesn't matter if you're black or white — unless you're a Hurriance Katrina looter intercepted by a wire service caption.

You'll have to forgive the professional gossipists. Unlike us, they actually sent staffers to the MTV VMAs and, unlike us, they actually have things like editorial calendars and delays between a story breaking and publication.

So with the last of the filing finally making its way into the pages of the tabs, we can do what we do best: recycle the juiciest VMA scoops under one roof, and what better place to start than Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

Even their publicists are at their breaking points, and the feuding twosome didn't make things any easier as they fought over whether they'd walk the Ocean Drive magazine party red carpet together. They ended up feeding their facade one more bite, walking hand-in-hand (barely) down the paparazzi line. Though Jessica's ring was noticeably absent.

And that was just the beginning. As Jessica was gearing up to perform her latest single "Fired Up" at the Delano, she pulled an Ashlee Simpson, bolting off stage when the wrong "back-up track" started playing.

Then Nick had a run-in at the Setai with Bam Margera, who's been making a name for himself as Jessica's extra-marital partner.

Meanwhile, celebrity riders were as extravagant as expected.

For 50 Cent, it was condoms and Cristal, but absolutely no pork (none for Diddy either). Coldplay and Green Day were happy with cases of liquor and Kanye West was content with just water, salad and Pepsi. Can't say the same for Kelly Clarkson (vanilla candles) or Shakira ("relaxed" lighting and drapes over ugly walls).

In other news, four blokes were enough for Jamie Foxx, who closed the door on fellas at his after-party at the Bentley Beach Hotel. And Mariah Carey is staving off her diva reputation, making demands at her sound check but not without a disclaimer.

• If Paris Hilton hand-holds with a man other than her fiance Paris Latsis, does it make a headline? Fortunately that question needn't be answered, since everyone saw Hilton hand-in-hand with her music producer Scott Storch at the MTV VMAs.

• She may have remained calmer than usual at the VMAs, but on her flight back to New York, prison-bound Lil Kim nearly got booted off the plane after arguing with flight attendants over a first-class "mix-up." Though she's gotta stir some shit up before her stay in the clink.

• Lindsay Lohan got reigned in by mama Dina, who forced her skinny offspring to stay put until the storm passed before getting on a plane for the VMAs.

• Brad Pitt and George Clooney's Las Vegas hotel gimmick, which has been talked about for years, continues to make the gossip rounds. Now they've picked up Rande Gerber of Whiskey lounge fame — and they might finally start construction in January. That doesn't mean it's January '06, however.

• Teen People is covering new ground: strip clubs. At least that's what Chad Michael Murray chose to chat about, re: his adult outing that wife and co-star Sophia Bush supposedly knew about.

• Jenny McCarthy's divorce from John Asher isn't just affecting her personal life, but also her business decisions. The light-hearted jokes in her tying the knot manual Marriage Laughs, which just got picked up for $1 million, don't sound so funny anymore.

It's not that we don't enjoy pretending this blogging gig is actually our full time job and it's not that we don't enjoy bringing you the latest contents of the celebrity and media dumpster each day, but you gotta agree: Suge Knight's shooting at the Kanye West's MTV VMA party is just so much more enjoyable when you can digest it without then spitting it out other people (that'd be .. you) to read about it.

Thanks for understanding. We're glad to be back.

(Oh, and what's this about next Monday being a holiday? Aw, snap!)

So, uh, we're taking Monday off. It's practically already a national holiday known as VMA Recovery Day, so why not hold the day sacred and skip work?

We're doing it, and so should you. See you on Tuesday.

• When she wasn't shooting paparazzi with a BB gun, Britney Spears spent her baby shower uneventfully having Henna tattoos drawn on her toes while Kevin Federline's kids ran amock.

• The MTV VMA giftbags you won't be getting your hands on include fantastic items like Le Tigre polos, New Balance sneakers, a Blockbuster Online membership, two weeks use of a 2006 Pontiac Solstice — all otherwise known as free shit celebs can get themselves.

• Blame Rachel Zoe for Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan's outfits as they make their Us Weekly-appearing Starbucks run.

• Cameron Diaz, free schwag finagler and salary stiffer? No!

• Officials released Scarlett Johansson's 911 tape from last week's paparazzi car crash, and her lines are delivered as smoothly as they are on screen.

• I/D PR must be upset over Vince Vaughn's new relationship with Jennifer Aniston, as they've dropped him as their client. Something about being "abusive."

• Mario Batali's Bistro Du Vent played home not to foie de veau but to a menage a quatre last week, with a chef, manager and two waiters in a sexy frenzy in front of the security cameras.

• Brad Pitt is setting up post-summer season shop in the Hamptons for two months after Labor Day while Angelina Jolie films The Good Shepard in New York.

• Out former New Jersey governor James McGreevey may be penning a tell-all, but now he's got former lover Golan Cipel writing his own memoir. Meanwhile, the ex-gov is playing house on Fire Island.

• Ashley Olsen might not be returning to NYU this fall as expected, but instead transfer to the same art school Mary-Kate is attending in California, no thanks to her relationship with Greg Chait, yet another nightclub owner (this time he's based in L.A.).

• The brief fling between Sienna Miller and Orlando Bloom is likely kaput, as the Lord of the Rings star is once again in the arms of sometimes-girlfriend Kate Bosworth.

• Nightclub queen Amy Sacco isn't content with just lounges and eateries — now she's launching the travel service Air Bungalow with an inaugural flight to Miami for this weekend's MTV VMAs.

• Neither Eddie Murphy or wife Nicole are waiting for their divorce to go through to return to the single life. They're both running around L.A. hitting celeb-riddled hotspots and neither are hiding it.

Unlike some gossip blogs, Jossip will not be heading down to South Beach this weekend for the excuse to drown in Cristal otherwise known as the MTV VMAs.

We're a Manhattan blog, damnit, and we refuse to let publicists tell us where and when we should be appearing, especially when it's outside the confines of this borough.

Who cares if they're handing out $26,000 gift bags? It's not like we'll be seeing a MTV-branded iPod shuffle or a Paul Frank timepiece.

So we're following the sage advice of our mother: appear when and where she tells us to. Rather than wade through the throngs of party crashers and gift bags, we'll be at the beach house, which may or not be code for crashing Robert Downey Jr.'s wedding.

Beside, how else would we cotinue our mission of snatching items from "professional" gossipists?

But will someone please bring us back a PSP? Thanks.