Apparently, one superfluous mention of Manhattan restaurateur—and Page Six benefactor—Nello Balan was not nearly enough. Yesterday's rambling, uninteresting report (that Balan's $1000 was borrowed and inadvertently broken by a leggy model) was promptly followed up by the revelation that said model may, in fact, be dating Owen Wilson. By which, of course, we mean was spotted taking a class with him at Bikram Yoga! Presumably, after meeting him during one of his famous open-door peeing parties.
Frankly, we're happy for Owen but can't help feeling just a little bit disappointed with Page Six. Not just for rehashing the boring umbrella story and for continuing to placate the man who gives them generous cash donations around the holidays, but for not even putting any effort into it. After the jump, the item in full and our analysis. Pay special attention to the noticeable absence of kicker/purpose.
Restaurateur Nello Balan is reportedly "at war with a stunning model he says borrowed his $1,000 umbrella to stay dry…then had a pal return it with a vengeance - broken in two." The boring back-story? Balan first threatened to sue catwalker Le Call when she neglected to return his pricey Jean Paul Gaultier parapluie and is now accusing her of committing "an act of disinterested malevolence, intentional infliction of mental distress, willful destruction of property, and whatever else I can think of."
Frankly, we're not sure what all the fuss is about, seeing as the umbrella (despite costing the equivalent of one month's rent) is, after all, only an umbrella. And besides, since when did Balan become such a tightwad? Or are we the only ones who remember that this is the very same individual who once generously gifted Page Six's Richard Johnson with a cash-only Christmas present in the exact same amount for no reason whatsoever?
Hmmm, sounds like someone could sure use some holiday cheer this season! Or, at the very least, more gratuitous coverage by the country's premier gossip column.
Have a chance to read today's Page Six? If not, you may be surprised to receive a scary error message should you click on a (now inactive) link to this morning's "A Swing And A Miss" item.
Fortunately, we've taken the liberty of copying and pasting the item here, for your convenience:
Corny crooner Michael Bublé isn't entirely the ladies' man he fancies himself to be. The never-bashful balladeer was spotted 'boasting to anyone who would listen' in the bar at the Hotel Costes K in Paris the other night, 'wearing this ridiculous vest and bragging to everyone about how women fall all over him and how amazing he is,' our witness reports. But when he tried out his moves by flirting with Emily Blunt, who was also at the hotel, he completely struck out.
Although we can only speculate as to the official reason for the item's removal, we do know a few things for certain, namely:
(1) Michael Bublé and Emily Blunt are currently dating, and have been for the past three or so years.
(2) Like most couples who have been together for three or so years, Michael Bublé and Emily Blunt have probably had sexual relations.
(3) Said relations were probably consensual.
Did Nello Balan really slip Richard Johnson $1,000 in an envelope in order to boost his holiday cheer? If he did, he's not exactly racked with guilt. In an Oscar caliber "damage control" performance, the restaurant impresario nobly defends his right to give unsolicited monetary donations to make-or-break gossip columns—and accuses those of us who fail to grasp his selfless generosity of being Scrooges, Grinches and penny-pinchers who've lost the Christmas spirit.
“If I did, so what?” he wondered in his Romanian accent between bites. “What is wrong with a Christmas gift? What, Americans have to be such Grinches about Christmas?” Americans, not so much. Journalists, maybe. Along with other allegations, the New York Post’s admission that Johnson accepted the cash has sparked a media frenzy. But it’s been too long to remember the details, Nello said. “It was 1997. I was in Aspen.” He wondered if he hadn’t asked his assistant to send over truffles, or possibly scarves, gloves, and ties (Hermès is across the street), and just maybe the assistant got flustered and sent cash instead.
Meanwhile, the NY Times tries to figure out just how beneficial Malan's selfless act really was, asking "was there a quid pro quo?"
[Spoiler: Yes.]
Editorial Director
