• Courtney Cox doesn't have the much of an ass.
• Coco Chanel probably never planned on Pamela Anderson wearing her designs or anything she made being shown in Vegas.
• OK! continues to be the magazine of choice for stars not secure enough with their career prospects to abstain from selling wedding pictures to pay for their future children's college education.
• Smart thinking: Slash wouldn't let his kids near Michael Jackson.
• Celebrity babies: People find them interesting!
• Jossip's New Year's party in pictures, with pink stars.1
[Photo Credit: WireImage]
• This year's ball drop in Times Square is the most promoted ever.
• We're having trouble remembering why Vince Vaughn is famous.
• Bed bugs: Still gross.
• They'll charge for anything: A stripper tax might come to New York.
• Mike Hucabee will be the first guest on the Tonight Show. Scab.
• Sucka! Hannah Montana fans were tricked into listening to interesting and complex music.
So we’re almost there, almost done with the last working day of 2007. It's exciting and all, but we know we’re just going to have work some more in 2008.
Anyway, here's a cursory round-up in case you had your head up your ass all year.
• Even after Anna Nicole Smith died, the media continued to kill her.
• Lindsay Lohan followed her child star destiny and went in and out of rehab.
• Don Imus was senselessly racist and later was senselessly hired by WABC. CONTINUED »
Confession time: we’ve spent more New Year’s than we’d like to remember staying in, watching Sex and the City, pretending that we really wanted a quiet night anyway.
Of course we were lying to ourselves. Whether you like it or not, New Year’s is a barometer of your social life. Spending the evening watching a Twilight Zone marathon is sad, and now you’re sad. Break out the sad emoticon: :(
Anyway, in case you still don’t have plans, we have taken the liberty of going through some press releases to find some plans for your sorry self. CONTINUED »
NEW YEAR'S EYES Still haven't figured out your New Year's Eve plans? (The boss hasn't invited you to his party?) If you're a homo who (still) has a thing for Tom Cruise, try your luck scoring a walk-up ticket to Daniel Nardicio's sold-out "Un Ballo In Maschera," an Eyes Wide Shut-style nude masked ball. Well, the porn stars will be nude. [BPT]
As it turned out, “train wreck” was not only the perfect expression to describe Ms. Spears’s listless lip-synching, but a recurring theme for 2007, a year when many prominent figures from every arena of public life did harm to their reputations and livelihoods in devastating fashion.
This year celebrities seemed incapable of limiting their misdeeds to isolated bad choices: a flop movie, a regrettable interview quote, an on-air feud with Rosie O’Donnell. At times, their behavior was flat-out abnormal. If you were hoping to see your least favorite Hollywood princess fall on her crown, 2007 provided a parade of tempestuous starlets shaving heads (Ms. Spears), crashing sports cars (Lindsay Lohan) and checking into rehab (Ms. Spears and Ms. Lohan) or prison (Paris Hilton).
-"A One-Way Ticket to Disaster," Dave Itzkoff, The New York Times, on why we're excited to get hell out of 2007.
[Photo Credit: DitMartian via Flickr]
Is Mischa Barton suffering a case of Lindsay Lohan? After getting arrested for DUI, the ex-O.C. star suddenly finds herself in a precarious situation: she's due to host a party in Vegas this New Year's Eve.
Will she be forced to call things off? A rep emails us: "We are aware of Mischa Barton's incident last night, but at present she is still expected to host the CatHouse Grand Opening at Luxor Las Vegas on December 29th. We will let you know if anything changes." Decisions, decisions.
[Photo: WireImage]
• Breaking: Scarlett Johansson, the celeb you thought had reasonably normal eating habnits, refuses to watch other people ingest food.
• Whitney Houston to auction off remnants of her life with Bobby Brown; used crack pipe expected to go for "at least $50."
• Justin and Cameron are officially over; Timberlake free to pursue Britney Spears look-alikes while ignoring his real-life ex.
• Mira Sorvino's kids wanna party like Britney Spears when they grow up.
• Demi Moore and Ashton refrain from doing The Graduate on Broadway out of fear that it will become known as the Gigli of the stage-world.
• Jessica Simpson had to tug at John Mayer's (grungy) pants for a NYE kiss, while ex-hubby Nick Lachey scored an impromptu lapdance.
• The father of Madonna's new adopted boy just realized she's got an unlisted number.
• Renee Zellweger resolves to be a spinster in 2007; plans to spend more time with her cats, less time with her hairbrush.
What started as a coy project to land him on the prematurely defunct One Park Avenue has torpedoed Shmuel Tennenhaus to A1 slot of cultural relevancy: YouTube's homepage. You'll remember "Crazy Eyes" as the director-producer-writer-star of his video application for Star's reality show who then went on to such historic career highlights like rapping about the BellSouth-AT&T merger and auditioning to be the next Amanda Congdon, and accepting Time's honors. Now he's signed his own 100-plus-year-old bubby – that's "grandmother" for you gentiles – to weigh in on what's in store for '07. (Hint: Shalom, and she's awaiting your call.)
As for Shmuel, he's on his way to clocking more tune ins than Linda Richman ever did.
Since you were obviously too a) drunk b) high c) Britney Spears over the holidays to pay any attention to what the cable news talking heads were gabbing about, Intern Wendy went through the playbacks to catch you up on the Andersonisms you might've missed. Like a good Jossiper, she enjoys Ketel One, if you'd like to thank her.
• "So it's actually — you know, I grew up in a much different New York where Times Square was kind of dirty and seedy. And we kind of liked it that way." —Anderson Cooper, longing for sleazy New York, CNN Newsroom, December 30
• "Tell me about the ball. Tell me about the ball." —Anderson Cooper knows his balls, Anderson Cooper 360, December 31
• "Are you gradually disrobing? Are you taking off pieces of your clothing? Because you seem to be wearing something different than what you were first wearing." —Anderson Cooper, wanting to see John Zarrella do a New Year's strip, Anderson Cooper 360, January 1
• "As if they're hanging out privately on Saturday nights doing needlepoint, crocheting and playing pin on the tail on our coke dealer." —Chelsea Handler, describing an evening with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, Scarborough Country, December 27
CONTINUED »
• 12 people shot in violent start to 2007; police blame criminals' inability to keep New Year's Resolutions of not shooting other people.
• KFC owner sets fire to nearby Twin Donut shop in misguided attempt to "burn off" holiday calories.
• The New York Daily News helpfully presents 30 people under thirty…all of whom are more successful than you.
• New NY State tax benefit to reward quickie marriages, unplanned bundles of joy; Britney Spears considers move to the East Coast.
• Take in a double dose of Woody Allen at the Film Forum today; watch as Alanis Morissette, Scarlet Jo and Soon-Yi fight over who gets to "go down on him" in the theater.
• Governor Spitzer says NYC has been asleep for much of the past decade; prepares to wake up the city by giving boring speeches about Medicaid and new ethics guidelines.
As some of you may have heard by now, Britney Spears apparently took an impromptu siesta while hosting a New Year's Eve Party at Pure, the nightclub at Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas. The widely publicized nap took place early Monday morning, shortly after Spears enjoyed the luxury of not having to ruin another New Year's by "grossly making out" with Kevin Federline.
Worried critics are afraid the pass-out will soon become fodder for the tabloids, thereby constituting the latest in a string of incidents in a would-be bid to lose a slam-dunk custody battle against Spears' ex-husband.
Fortunately, Team Britney was quick to come to Spears' defense, insisting that the hard-partying divorcee wasn't drunk—she was just completely and utterly exhausted from her month-long bender.
In fact, Britney's reps vehemently denied reports that the former pop star had passed out due to an overabunddance of alcohol, resulting in her needing to be carried out of the nightclub. Instead, they blamed the sudden bout of narcilepsy on "too much good mothering," insisting Brit was merely tuckered out from all the good parenting that hosting a New Year's Party in Vegas without your kids entails.
Happy New Year from Vanessa Minnillo, who made sure that we had more to talk about than how really, really gay Ryan Seacrest's countdown broadcast was.
Ahhh. Another year, another New Year's Resolution. Which means, it's time to make yourself feel bad about yourself for those little, annoying personality tics that you'll never, ever be able to change. And while all of us ineffectually resolve to improve ourselves in the year ahead, it's an especially important time for our favorite, over-exposed celebrities to figure out how best to hit the tabloids running.
And since we know how busy everyone is this time of year, we've taken the liberty of coming up with a few suggested improvements for some of the biggest names in '06:
• Paris Hilton: Find, steal Mary Kate Olsen's future ex-boyfriend
• Mary-Kate Olsen: Lose 5 pounds, like, yesterday
• Lindsay Lohan: Learn to use spelling, grammar check when crafting drunken manifestos
• Ellen DeGeneres: Learn new dance move that doesn't involve straddling the coffee table
• Judith Regan: Find 3 new ethnic groups to offend in '07.
• Mel Gibson: Teach Judith Regan the art of only pretending to like Power Jews
• Donald Trump: Get bigger pole, better hairdo, continue to ruin Los Angeles
• Rosie O'Donnell: Get bigger salary, better wardrobe, continue to ruin The View**
• Brangelina/Madonna: Find new, third-world country full of kids that need exploiting saving
• Nicole Richie: Find new publicist to blame for large arsenal of problems
• Hillary Clinton: DO take steps towards becoming first President/Mother. (Step 1: Have John McCain "disappear").
• Mark Foley: DON'T use screenname with own initials when trolling the internet for pubescent boys
• 50 Cent: Buy bulletproof vest. Wear it. Every day.
• Britney Spears: Buy new underwear. Wear it. Every day.
We wish all our celebrities the very best of luck, and hope you'll feel free to fill us in any resolutions we may have missed.
**In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that The View wasn't exactly stellar in the Star Jones era either
• WSJ staffers outraged the paper is willing to do anything to make a buck.
• Editors of magazines filled with cliches have New Year's resolutions filled with cliches.
• Prince set to launch 3121 Magazine, which will be like Alternative Press, except with fancier graphics and more fake smoke.
• Friday Night Lights is so much more awesome when you can watch it on NBC.com.
• It was a black Christmas for Black Christmas, and Nikki Finke won't let you forget it.
• Reviewing a year in media with a "Mo'" and "No Mo'" rating system is, quite frankly, brilliant.
• James Brady sums up a year in media, sentence by sentence. It's a great review guide. We're printing it out.
New Year's Eve is rapidly approaching, which means all your favorite publications are racing to release their annual listicle retrospectives. And really, what better way to end out the year than by taking a look back, in list-form, at what made 2006 so special?
The list epidemic happens every December, but this year we've made it our mission to uncover a few categories that ought to be included but, for whatever completely rational reason, didn't make the cut.
After exhaustively reading everything from Slate's "Five Best Political Moments" to the Wall Street Journal's "Best (and Worst) Ads" to Radar's "Top 5 Most Pretentious Looks," we're prepared to submit our own contribution: A Top 10 List of Lists They Should've Had. In no particular order:
1. Life-Ruining Obvious Blind Items, and The Lives They Subsequently Ruined
2. The Most-Read Articles With the Words "Underage," "Sexual," and "Massage" that Had Nothing To Do with Jeffrey Epstein
3. Women Willing to Go On Record as Saying They Would "Consider" Dating K-Fed
4. Persons Fired From More Than One Media Company's 2006 Round of Layoffs
5. Reasons Why Lindsay Lohan Keeps Getting Peer-Pressured Into Drinking (Reason #16: Virgin Strawberry Daiquiris just "aren't as cool")
6. The Best Pop Songs of 2006 Featuring Lyrics About Gift-Wrapped Male Genetalia
7. People Victimized By Victims' Rights Advocate Nancy Grace
8. Persons With Races, Ethnicities that Judith Regan Has Not Yet Made Butt of Joke, Offensive Comment
9. People With Functioning, High-Speed Internet Connections Who Have Not Seen Britney Spears' Vagina*
10. Reasons Why, If You're Going to Go on a Crazy, Racist Tirade, You Shouldn't Make It Public
(* Denotes a list truncated to only eight persons, because that's all the people in the country who qualified.)
Those well-intentioned souls over at New York magazine have created a helpful guide to help you plan ahead for New Year's Eve in Times Square. However, in their haste to spread the word, we're afraid they may have accidentally omitted a pointer or two, thereby neglecting to include some potentially relevant info.
So, in the interest of avoiding any potential confusion down the line, we humbly submit these excerpts from the NY Mag guide, along with our (minor) edits and addendums.
They say: "Chairs, tents, and space heaters are not allowed, so dress warm and wear comfortable shoes.
We say: Ditch the Uggs, and bring on the whiskey. Nothing puts a little warmth in your belly like a flask chock full of Jack Daniel's. Drink enough, and the overweight Japanese tourist with the fanny-pack will start looking pre-tty darn good around midnight.
They say: "There will be no food vendors in the pens, but some restaurants will deliver to you on the street, including Ray’s Original Pizza (212-974-9381) and Sbarro (212-768-4194)."
We say: Who can think about pizza when you're smack in the middle of call-girl central? As much as we dig having the "411" on the local burrito joint, how about giving us something we can actually use, like, say, the digits for a medium to high-end escort service?
They say: "Some people line up a day ahead, but there's no reason to show up much before 4:30 p.m."
We say: 4:30 p.m. and you've got nothing better to do than stand on a street corner in Times Square? Who are you, our mom? Seriously, there are plenty of decent bars to hit, and you owe it to yourself to drink yourself into a complete stupor. Only then can you can fully appreciate the splendor, (nay, the thrill!) of a gigantic spherical apparatus, dropping at the speed of molasses.
They say: "All bags will be searched for alcohol and weapons, and anything found will be confiscated."
We say: If you get into any trouble, just break into a fake epileptic seizure and blame it on the neon lights. (It always works for us).
Now get out there, you crazy kids, and go find someone to make out with smack in the middle of a freezing, drunken mob!
Make fun all you want about Tara Reid earning her dolla dolla bills by hosting a New Year's eve bash at a Chicago Marriot, but at least she didn't have to fly halfway around the world a la Paris Hilton to earn her fee. While Paris launches the new beer line Bondi Blonde on the New Year and Tara Reid hits the continental breakfast, what will their young Hollywood gal pals be up to? The LAT rounds out the list of how professional celebrities earn their dues:
• Britney Spears will be at Las Vegas' Pure with a midnight toast from a champagne total worth more than Kevin Federline's net worth
• Pamela Anderson will be at Vegas' Tao pretending not to notice that:
• Kid Rock will be at Vegas' Jet, where he'll be treating revelers to a "rare DJ set." Which, clearly, will involve a set of iPods.
• Christina Aguilera will be in New York at the Hudson Hotel, alongside gossip blogger Perez Hilton and hoards of hangers-on.
• Jessica Alba will be at Miami's Setai hotel, but unable to carry the event by herself, she'll be joined by Hilary Duff's veneers and Ben McKenzie's brooding.
We hear Talon Torriero has yet to lock down his New Year's Eve hosting duties, but luckily there's a new Valero gas station opening Jan. 1.
Page Six, Oct. 24:
THE underemployed D-list celebs are already trying to get themselves a gig for New Year's Eve. Word on the street is Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra are trying to line up gigs to host celebrations in Miami, New York or Los Angeles - for a pricey sum. Hilton wants $100,000 plus expenses and a private jet for her to host a party, while Electra is cheap - a mere $50,000 and expenses. No jet necessary.
Liz Smith, Nov. 21:
But certain happenings are bigger than others - New Year's Eve, for instance! Paris is ready to show up anywhere, as the year turns, for $150,000. Perhaps several places. After all, New Year's Eve parties go on for hours.
Editorial Director
