Nicholas Cage, you need to stop swigging whatever suckerade you've gotten your hands on, because lately you are box office poison. You managed to deal Neil LaBute a raw hand when you two did The Wicker Man and turned it into an unintentional comedy, no one saw your Indiana Jones rip-off National Treasure series, and now your newest star vehicle, Bangkok Dangerous, placed number one in the box office with a dismal $7.9 million this weekend, making it officially the worst fall season opening since 2001. And by 2001, we mean the weekend immediately following 9/11, when nobody felt like being entertained or trapped in a building with the lights off.

Do you know what that means, Nicholas Cage?

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Oh goodie! Celeb-on-celeb legal action gets us hot and bothered in a way David Beckham never could. Unless he sued Will Smith! But we'll settle for Nicolas Cave v. Kathleen Turner, where the washed up actor (hard to tell which is which) sued the old windbag (same problem!) for libel, alleging, in her book Send Yourself Roses and in an excerpt in the Daily Mail, Cage had been arrested twice for drunk driving and that he stole a … dog.

(For the record, the Daily Mail is known for settling libel charges for calling someone fat.)

In the book, . Naturally, Cage took Turner to court in Britain, where libel laws are looser, and forced out apologies, legal fee reparations, and donations to the National Adult Protective Services Foundation, an elder abuse organization. Cage won't sue Turner in the United States because Turner's publisher is adding a correction to future editions. And agreed not to spread rumors he's a big closet case.

• The Batman franchise continues to be profitable.

• Goys maintain the pretense of caring about Chanukah.

• Amanda Beard is hasn't gotten ugly.

• Celebrities still have nipples.

• Bad music will always be inexplicably popular.

• Nicholas Cage's hairline isn't fooling anybody.

• Bono and Nicholas Cage have never looked so…heavenly!

&bul; Ewan McGregor needs lots of jock support.

• Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson to join forces on overbudgeted Hollywood extravaganza.

• For Vanessa Minnillo, hanging out with boyfriend Nick Lachey is no day at the beach.

• David Hasselhoff is really sorry that he got drunk and lost custody of his daughter devoured a hamburger without pausing to grab utensils.