This just in: Joel Madden has apparently just changed his Blackberry instant messenger name (kind of like AOL instant messenger, but slightly more elitist!) to "JoelLovesNicole." Take that, Star magazine!
• Victoria Beckham to perform with the Pussycat Dolls, presumably because she encapsulates their unique brand of slim physique and questionable vocals.
• Meanwhile, Mariah Carey is mistaken for Britney Spears, presumably due to her propensity for gaining weight and history of cinematic abortions.
• Salma Hayek gives birth, but the world was too busy staring at Nicole Richie's protruding belly to notice.
• Finally! Someone admits Sex and the City would have been a whole lot sexier if the women on the show were still pre-menopausal.
• Jennifer Aniston has never looked happier than she does on the set of He's Just Not That Into You. Does anyone else find that strangely disconcerting?
Joel Madden is super serious about the girl he accidentally got pregnant. On Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning, Madden said, “Obviously, marriage is in our future.”
At least they're maintaining the pretense of stability between a burnt out musician and an ex-reality-TV star for the sake of the baby.
[People]
• Damn, Nicole Richie is looking thick.
• Some guy you've never heard of swims around Manhattan three times for some disease you've never heard of.
• The former New Jersey first lady reaches out to soon-to-be former Mrs. Idaho Senator. We knew it!
• CBS tries to reassure advertisers that it didn't just restage Lord of the Flies when filming Kid Nation.
• Kenan Thompson plans to drop 60 pounds to play Barack Obama for SNL. Here's hoping they both make it past the primary!
• Seriously, CBGB is over.
What you will see if you click past the jump: What happens when a TMZ photographer falls asleep during a Nicole Richie-Joel Madden stakeout at their Glendale home — and another photographer happens upon him. Hint: There's hairy ass awaiting you. CONTINUED »
The Insider's email news alert was so breaking, they didn't have time for new hire Thomas Roberts to chip in with the copyediting.
This message greeted visitors to Us Weekly's website for most of yesterday evening and night.
Also, you wouldn't be mistaken in recalling that it was during that time frame Nicole Richie entered and exited prison in under 90 minutes, and Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to just a day in prison and then admitted she's an alcohol and drug addict.
• Britney Spears foolishly squanders an opportunity to record a duet with her all too sympathetic ex, Justin Timberlake. Or, as Yeeeah puts it, "Justin Timberlake Tries To Ruin Career; Fails."
• Pee-Wee Herman (a.k.a. Paul Reubens) returns to television in the role of a "traveling homeopathic antidepressant representative/salesman." Which "beats" jacking off at a porno theater any day.
• That Pete Doherty is such a drug-addled mess, even his frickin' cat is hooked on heroin.
• Ever wished for the magical ability to turn everything you touch into crappy artificially fruit-flavored candy? No? Well, don't.
It might be Candace Trunzo's Star, but Bonnie Fuller still wears the pants, and the title, of editorial director. That's editorial director, though, and not reporter, which is what she was looking like on Wednesday at One Park Avenue's Equinox gym.
When Bonnie got word that Nicole Richie was there sipping Fiji working out, Bonnie ran downstairs from Star's third floor offices to the second floor gym, where she has a membership (and can sometimes be spotted working out nearby Atoosa Rubenstein), and reported her little heart out.
The item that eventually made it on to StarMagazine.com, meanwhile, attributes the story to "a Star eyewitness." Indeed. She just happens to be on staff and earning $1.5 million a year.
• Clay Aiken isn't bringing sexy back with this campy JT impression, unless of course by "sexy" you really mean "freakishly disturbing" and "awkwardly effeminate."
• For all you nonathletic types out there, here's some vintage Dave Barry. Oh, and maybe try watching SportsCenter sometime, will you? Jeez, you throw like a girl.
• Slightly-racist Glamour editor willing to tolerate black people, but only so long they promise to avoid making any icky political statements. Like having long hair.
• Kirstie Alley ditches Jenny Craig in favor of her good friend, General Tso.
• Despite the easy one-liners suggesting otherwise, anorexic crooner Amy Winehouse has, as ASL puts it, "retained the integrity of her hit song."
• Paris Hilton shows us she's not the drug-free, spiritually awakened being that no one thought she was.
• Meanwhile, should we be worried that Nicole Richie's "maternity wear" is pretty much the equivalent of our "skinny jeans?"
• Apparently, Zac Efron isn't anywhere near ready for a commitment with his pretend-girlfriend.
• J.Lo gets a little extra support.
• Heather Graham's got chills. They're multiplying.
• "Nicole will be a wonderful mom!" predicts Paris, based on their long history of snorting cocaine together.
• Paul McCartney and Heather Mills enter the second leg (sorry, Heather!) of divorce negotiations.
• Q. How do you know you're an unfit mom? A. You're getting parenting advice from US Weekly.
• Portfolio is looking for a "Tina Fey" type to head up their on-air news division. And the hits just keep on coming!
• Olsen twin offends Muslim people while simultaneously carrying around her sister in a small-child sized Balenciaga.
• Not only isn't Kanye West gay, he's also not overly defensive about it.
Sadly – or not – Nancy Jo Sales' extensive (some might say exhaustive) look inside the world of the Cisco Adlers, Pete Wentzs, and Stavros Niarchos of the world isn't available on VF.com, although a video add-on is. Which means you're going to have to haul the double-pounder September Vanity Fair from the newsstand to your reading room (oh, you don't have one?) to read "I'm With Her," where Sales trips through Hyde and LAX taling "the boys who love the girls who love the spotlight."
From Cisco's low-hangers to Joel Madden's spermination of Nicole Richie (the official acknowledgment came too late for press time), Nancy Jo's basic argument is this: These "It" couples aren't made of love, but business prowess. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz make for a paparazzi-laden opening of his Angels & Kings clubs while also delivering cross-over appeal with their fanbases. Thanks to his engagement to Nicole Richie, mostly average DJ AM can command five-figure fees to spin from L.A. to the East End. Harry Morton's Pink Taco restaurant blew up only when Lindsay Lohan latched on to his arm. And so on.
Really, though, the article is most useful as an expose into how Vanity Fair plays the celebrity game while also reporting on the game of celebrity. And with the accompanying diagram, it's also a look into what keeps the art department at their desks late into the night.
• Lindsay Lohan's bodyguard reportedly turns down $500K and an opportunity to tell everyone what a fucked-up crack whore she really is.
• Meanwhile, Linds gets some advice from someone with impeccable morals. "Do I think it's a good move for [Lindsay] to sell her story?" asked Money Honey "Bank Skank" Maria Bartiromo. "I think as much as people are interested in what she has to say, she should capitalize on it." Neat!
• In addition to confirming her invisible pregnancy, Nicole Richie also admits to taking Vicodin for her premenstrual cramps. Before the get-out-of-jail fetus, obvs.
• Two days prior to having her bodyguard beat up photog Andrew Deetz, Britney Spears yelled, "'I am going to kill you!" and then attacked him with profanities.
• Tokyo is in for a disappointing surprise.
• Is it possible Usher was lying when he said "everything is fine" between himself and his jilted/hospitalized fiancee?
• Actress/mascara model Penelope Cruz is nothing but a thin-lashed fraud. And that's not the only thing fake about her. (Um, yeah, like that phony accent is real!)
• Buy your celebrity bobblehead today! Or just stare at pictures of Nicole Richie and Rachel Zoe instead.
• Dakota Fanning is growing up before our very eyes! First come the skinny jeans, then before you know it, the coke-fueled driving under the influence (and with a suspended license) charges.
• Ali Lohan comes to big sister Lindsay's defense, characterizes Michael Lohan as a deadbeat dad (well, obvs) and defends Dina Lohan's parenting style as "more than adequite."
• Check it out! It's Denise Richards in a bikini without "that greasy douche from Bon Jovi."
We never really figured Nicole Richie to be the type of girl who gets massively, gigantically pregnant. In fact, she always struck us more as the "skinny legs, bowling-ball stomach" type, except by "bowling ball" we actually meant "small grapefruit" (or perhaps an "above average-sized apple" or something moderately large in the citrus family.)
Either way, we always assumed Nicole's unborn fetus was very, very hungry. But it turns out he/she is just adorably svelte!
"Only 300 additional calories a day are needed to sustain a healthy pregnancy," writes the New York Times. And if you combine that with the 200 or so calories Richie was already consuming on a daily basis, you've got yourself a recipe for one healthy zygote.
• Unemployed actress Sally Kirkland dons blackface and a Lionel Richie "fro" and poses beside Nicole Richie—presumably because (a) they're all crazy, and (b) Angelina Jolie was unavailable.
• Meanwhile, the next time Paris Hilton screams, "Why won't those awful paparazzi just leave me alone?" simply shake your head and remember that she's a crazy, lying mess.
• Lauren Conrad accidentally-on-purpose broke Brody Jenner's finger during a heated game of touch football. Natch, Jenner didn't let it ruin his beer buzz and had resumed his normal activities (read: binge-drinking and spending his father's money) within hours.
• JLo and her skeletal hubby Marc Anthony claim they couldn't be more "normal." Assuming "normal" is slang for "stuck-up rich people, one of whom has a disproportionately large ass."
"OK!, which is the American version of a British magazine," writes the NY Times, "has acknowledged that it occasionally pays for cover stories, mostly in efforts to build relationships with the celebrities it covers," [Ed: think overpaying for Eva Longoria's snoozeworthy nuptials.] "But while paying for the rights to exclusive stories and photos has become increasingly common among OK!’s American competitors, buying photos to protect them from being published is more unusual and ethically dubious."
And by "ethically dubious," what the Times actually means is "awesome blackmail potential."
"If OK! did pay for the images in order to repress them," the Grey Lady continues, "then the magazine now holds compromising photos of two celebrities it will want to cover in the future. The situation raises questions about what sort of access to the celebrities the magazine may have negotiated in return for the favor."
Hang on, did somebody say "access?"
• Yep, turns out Rachel Marsden isn't at all bitter about getting booted from her recurring gig at Red Eye.
• There's nothing like sitting in your lawnchair for a solid 9 hours. Particularly if it's 1,000 feet in the air.
• Don't you just hate it when you go to Club Med for a relaxing week of fun in the sun, watermelon martinis, and, of course, the swinging trapeze, when all of sudden, you hear this horrible rumor that the magazine you worked for no longer exists?
• Vincent Chase, keep your pants on! Apparently, the only full frontal male nudity we'll be seeing on this season of Entourage is that of the "unattractive tranny" persuasion.
• Joel Madden is pissed at unemployed loser Spencer Pratt for allegedly referring to his rapidly expanding girlfriend (she's up to Size 0 now!) as a "skinny bitch."
Editorial Director
