Although we can’t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
According to the career-oriented folks over at CNN, things you should never do at work include taking fake sick-days, gossiping and showing up hungover and/or with unkempt hair. Other no-no's include "getting too comfortable" (i.e. telling the boss about that gross drunken hookup-slash-one night stand) hitting on the intern, reading useless crap on the web and sticking it to the man by stealing inexpensive—and easily missed—office supplies.
And while we don't necessarily agree with all of the aforementioned rules (be honest, who among us hasn't pilfered Post-Its and writing instruments from the office supplies closet and shoved them awkwardly into their oversized Betsey Johnson carry-all?) we're happy to offer a few helpful hints of our own.
Apparently, employers these days aren't just concerned with your qualifications, degree and relevant experience. They're also quite interested to find out whether you're a pain in the ass. Or, put another way, "in this bloggable, cell phone camera world, your brand on the inside is going to be your brand on the outside. If you have a bunch of jerks, your brand is going to be a jerk."
Of course, the system isn't full-proof, and a few less than desirable coworkers always seem to slip through the cracks. Which is to say, every office has its requisite jerk. So look around you. Can't figure out who that person is? Then it's probably you. [CNN]
You know what's fun? Reading about other people's embarrassing stories. Which is why we're still asking you all for your most insanely uncomfortable workplace moments.
Are you the one who wore the unbelievably low-cut dress to the holiday party and inadvertently flashed your "headlights" to the entire company? The former employee who got busted sending inappropriate emails from your work account or sleeping with the intern only to discover (too late!) that she's a "Stage-5 clinger?" The bartender who got canned for shtooping one of the regulars in the men's lav or the actress who got sacked for failing to understand the meaning of casting couch?
Send us your stories, and we'll be sure to run the very best (which is to say "worst") submissions. Anonymously, of course.
Earlier: Tell Us About Your Most Awkward/Inappropriate Work Moments!
Remember when you were in high school (or possibly grade school) and there was nothing more exciting than reading the latest issue of Seventeen magazine?
Not for the fashions, of course—even then, you knew Urban Outfitters was crappy!—so much as for the not at all made-up "Say Anything" reader confessionals, which were typically some variation of how this girl was, like, fully making out with her crush during a game of Truth or Dare when, suddenly, she started spontaneously menstruating and then her 'rents totally came home early and by Monday morning, all the popular girls in school were talking about it and it was, like, completely mortifying?
Anyway. Despite the fact that we're all grown up now and (ostensibly) more mature, we've decided to get that first-person confessional goodness started up again. Except instead of your awkward almost-sex moments, we want to hear about your most painful/excruciating tales of intraoffice humiliation.
A few "hypothetical" examples, after the jump.
We've never had any particular inclination to crash a NYO bash. Primarily because we always envisioned their ho-hum gatherings as being garish salmon-themed affairs, involving a sherry-toting Jared Kushner, a martini-guzzling Spencer Morgan and impromptu political debates with cerebral media mensch Michael Calderone.
But that, of course, was before we knew about the illegal escorts. [P6]
After recently publishing a book about the potential benefits of napping daily (i.e. increased productivity, improved health, etc) Peter Workman has decided to institute naptime at his own place of business.
As a result, his employees have come up with a variety of inventive ways to grab a 10 minute catnap on the job, including—but not limited to—curling up in the closet, passing out flat on the floor and lying face-first against a book poster.
Naturally, however, our favorite testimonial was that of Mike Vago, "who works in the art department."
In USA Today, Craig Wilson writes a hilarious, heartfelt piece about his undying hatred of interns. His reasons for disliking them include their overeager desire to impress, including showing up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 9:30am, something, writes Wilson, "no self-respecting journalist" would ever do.
Frankly, we think this is the best thing we've seen all week. And it's with a great deal of restraint that we refrain ourselves from simply copying/pasting the rant in its entirety, and merely providing you with a gripping sample paragraph:
Last year I was invited to a meet-the-summer-interns lunch. We went around the table introducing ourselves, giving our history at the paper. When it was my turn, I mentioned that they were all probably in second or third grade when I started at USA TODAY.
One of the interns immediately interrupted. She said she wasn't born when I started at the newspaper, let alone in second grade. I wanted to lean across the conference table and smack her, but I once read in the employee handbook that we're not allowed to do that, so I pulled myself together, gave her a faint smile and never spoke to her again. Seemed only fair.
Of course, the truth is, Wilson's article only refers to a small overzealous sect of the overall unpaid intern population. Because, as many of you may recall, internships generally tend to involve a fair amount of showing up late, staring absently into space, and occasionally taking a break from obsessively checking your email/Facebook/MySpace accounts long enough to fetch everyone coffee.
Speaking of which, where in the hell is Intern Joseph with that iced mocha latté?
In an email sent yesterday at 4:14pm, L.A. Times editor Jim O'Shea tacitly informed staffers that 57 members of the editorial department will be either voluntarily—or "involuntarily"—departing. We've pasted his note below, including our thoughtful analysis of O'Shea's smooth transition from "Some highly talented people are leaving the staff and I hate to see them go" to "Fuck it, they were all crap, you 'still-employed' folks are the future."
[Ed: Admittedly, we may have used some artistic license in paraphrasing the latter portion of O'Shea's email missive, but the sentiment remains the same.]
And now, for the morale-boosting announcement! As you can see from the opening lines, O'Shea doesn't waste any time!
Today the Los Angeles Times completed a voluntary and involuntary employee separation program. The vast majority of people leaving the newspaper will depart voluntarily over the next few weeks. The total also included a very small number of involuntary departures. Everyone who will be leaving has been notified. All will receive a generous separation package that includes salary continuation and outplacement assistance.
Analysis: Voluntary, involuntary, what's the big difference? What's important is that we at the L.A. Times are one big family. Until you become lazy and/or expendable, in which case you're suddenly the 'bastard son,' at which point we'll promptly disown you and/or never speak of you again.
More memo/analysis after the jump!
You know how sometimes, when you're running late for work, clumsily attempting to simultaneously brush your teeth, put in your contact lenses, shower, down that all-important first cup of coffee and find an unripped pair of nylons, a familiar feeling of panic sets in, as you realize you have absolutely nothing to wear?
Well, ESPN staffers sure won't be having that problem today!
ESPN content veep John Skipper wants his employees to wear their complimentary AFL shirts "as a symbol of welcome to our Arena Football guests." A staffer writes to Romenesko: "I find it increasingly difficult to square such promotional stunts with my journalistic ethics and principles. We're supposed to objectively cover the AFL, and yet we're being asked to wear an AFL t-shirt to show our support when the league's bosses walk through the newsroom?"
We totally hear you, anonymous ESPN staffer! And while we empathize with you being an involuntary participant in this latent propoganda, we also kind of wish we were there to see it. [Full disclosure: We've been counting down to this Friday (a.k.a. "Hawaiian Shirt Day") ever since we first got the memo!]
Editorial Director
