Hugh Hefner generously announced today that naked Miley Cyrus would be nakedly "welcomed in [his] magazine" full of naked ladies—when she's of age, of course. [Us] This isn't the first time that the doddering coot, or his kin, pulled such a stunt, knowing full well the offer would get a write up in the gossip columns, but that the starlets would never agree. Below, a look back at some of the million dollar deals, made by creepy old men, and Joe Francis, that never were.

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• We forgive the Shins for the "changing over lives" since they recently sold songs for Zune and iPhone ads. Way to stick it to the man by selling out to him.

• Despite mountains of forensic evidence, O.J. Simpson pleads not guilty. Deja vu anyone?

• The Olsen twins business savvy goes beyond direct to rental videos. The asking price for their West Village condo is nearly triple what they originally bought it for. Meanwhile, our rent only increased $45 a month this year.

• Jake Gyllenhaal will star in a Joe Namath biopic. Reenacting the panty hose ad will surely squash any rumors about his sexuality.

• French Tennis player Richard Gasquet insists he's not gay, even when nobody is asking.

• Miss Puerto Rico proves the real way to win a beauty pageant these days is to stage a controversy and appear on the Today Show.

• Despite being locked up in a Utah rehab center, Lindsay Lohan has nonetheless managed to procure herself illegal drugs and "sex in a toilet cubicle" (or, as her counselors call it, "pulling a Larry Craig.")

• Britney Spears found guilty of child wardrobe abuse! Also, her crappy new single hits airwaves next week, much to the delight of snarky gossip columnist and YouTube parodists everywhere.

• Boycott the Olsens new clothing line! Because they're promoting the slaughter of cute little animals. And, well, because they expect you to shell out $150 for a faux-vintage t-shirt.

• Salma Hayek is totally looking forward to motherhood! Especially the part where she and her mysterious baby-daddy Francois-Henri Pinault live in complete separate continents.

• Hilary Swank shows off her brand-new A-cups in the the designer bikini version of the cheesy "tuxedo t-shirt."

• You know you're looking a mess when your fellow prison inmate describes your current weave by saying, "Her hair looks like whoever did it ran."

It's not that we plan on bumrushing Indochine today to get a look at Sarah Jessica Parker's super secret fashion line – or to sneak a peak at which second-tier editors are forced to attend the grand unveiling – but we took a particular interest in Mrs. Matthew Broderick's Bitton collection because of what it's being compared to.

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• "Britney was drunk off her ass. She was completely trashed. She couldn't walk straight, she couldn't stand up straight. She was completely gone." Funny, as this describes only one evening in the life of America's pop queen.

• Michael Jackson returns to the U.S. to hit Las Vegas, home to a former molestation accuser and perhaps his latest attempt to earn an income.

• Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner baptize baby Violet, refuse to let thetans take over her mind.

• Britney Spears breaks things off with Paris Hilton, insists it's not personal.

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• Oh, so you heard Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married? So we don't have to talk about it? Even the part where Andrea Bocelli snubbed the Scientology couple? Unless their flight to the Maldives goes down in flames? Great!

• Michael "Kramer" Richards pulls a Mel Gibson, launches into racist rant on stage, might not receive free drinks at the Laugh Factory any more.

• Lindsay Lohan accidently stores coke razor in wrists.

• While Britney Spears parties in Las Vegas, Kevin Federline wears a burlap sack in Miami.

• Lindsay Lohan signs with Miu Miu after LV defeat.

• Rod and Kim Stewart argue over who's more irresponsible.

• Living above the city in the Time Warner Center proves too trying for 21-year-old Anna Anisimova.

• Jessica Simpson and John Mayer remain just friends. Who cuddle.

• An Olsen twin's teeth surface for a brief moment.

• Just like Paris, Nicky Hilton is going after an Olsen Twin ex. [P6]

• Either Britney Spears stopped by David Letterman last night for an ego massage, or her new svelte look is tied to a PR blitz for K-Fed funding. [TMZ]

• Actor-director Adrienne Shelly didn't commit suicide — she was killed be a 19-year-old construction worker having a "bad day." [NYP]

• TomKat's Italian wedding will have seating for parties for the bride, groom, and Scientologist. [Fox 411]

• Patricia Dunn and Jeanine Pirro: separated at birth? [ATL]

• As if Anna Nicole Smith didn't have enough drama surrounding her, she decided to marry her baby daddy. [Star]

• Wait, the Olsen Twins were buying food? Beef jerky, Life Savers? Must be for the bodyguards. [Lowdown]

• The nanny is making your Upper East Side kids fat. Because you know it's not the genes. [NYT]

• Most little kids who's parents force them into beauty pageants don't become stars. [AP]

• Even though they each take up one quarter of a normal person's space, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen still need to RSVP to Fashion Week. [Gatecrasher]

• Graydon Carter attends a Cathy Horyn-less Carolina Herrera fashion show, but was not thinking about fashion. Well, at least that means he won't write a terrible review. [FBNY]

• Before they figure out how Anna Nicole Smith's son died, maybe they should they figure out where he died. [People]

• This year, Anna Wintour is taking a somewhat hands-off approach when it comes to Fashion Week. Well, that, or she's sweet on a British tennis pro. [Lowdown]

• We bet Sarah Jessica Parker doesn't take the subway. [Page Six]

• This Lindsay Lohan tribute is the most misogynistic, disgusting, bullshit we've ever heard. We actually couldn't listen to the whole thing. Straight guys will probably think it's funny though. [TMZ]

• So, Julia Louis Dreyfus really deserved that Emmy, eh? Her jokes are so subtle, nobody can figure out if she's actually making them. Or, you know, not. [Gawker]

• Your Yale degree isn't really going to help you become the next Graydon Carter. Though might get you a VF internship and a life of freeloading in your parents apartment, freelancing for the New Yorker. [Ivy Gate]

• How much do you wanna' bet these ads are illegal? Not to mention the immense disturbance caused by the TV news overkill. [FBNY]

• The Olsen Twins will only smile when in Canada. [Mollygood]

• The fashion industry hits the city tonight with the CDFA Awards. It's basically like the Oscars, but with more "bathroom leftovers" and flying cellies. [Vogue]

• And yet another reason everyone will continue not to swim in the Hudson. [NYP]

• In honor of the Olsen Twins, NYU is helping teenagers make sure they will compare to the celebrities roaming Washington Square Park. [NYP]

• Great. As if the subway foot licker weren't enough, now we can't even trust people who ask for a pen. [Gothamist]

• We're not sure what's worse: letting your three-year-old hang out at a tattoo parlor or letting him run away. [AP]

A couple weekends ago, the Sunday New York Times featured an article in the Styles section, which focused on New York City gym goers. You may remember the quaint little piece, titled 24 Hour Sweaty People, which followed anonymous quasi-celebs and magazine editors around the Lafayette St. Crunch.

And because our in shape Intern Zack earns his cash as a paid employee of New York University by holding up the fort at the school's gym, former NYC hotspot The Palladium, we thought it might be fun to do a little NYU version of the sweaty story.

What kind of secrets does NYU's always crowded gym hold in the summer time? We've heard rumors of certain NYU alum cum media members picking up freshman on the rowing machines, and of girls dressing up as fake Olsen twins during the school year. But, we wanted Zack to put his journalism school skills to good use and do some quasi actual reporting. You know, on NYU's dime.

After the jump, an attempt at Times style analysis of 9 hours of glistening college students. And try to keep your keys from getting too sticky …

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• The real mystery is figuring out why New Yorkers are spending so much time uncovering a friggin' cake. [NYO]

• We had no idea there was a list of "endangered historical places" in New York. Is there like a t-shirt or a poster we can get or something? [NYT]

• The most dangerous thing in Park Slope is not the falling foam. It's the flip-flops. [NYDN]

• Mort Zuckerman is putting money toward helping people who got cancer from reading his newspaper. Fine, we don't actually have any proof that the Daily News causes cancer, but it often makes us want to smoke a pack cigarettes when reading it. [NYT]

• Um, the Olsen twins are supposed to carry on the tradition of art and culture in New York? We are at a loss for gasps. [NYO]

• Tween heartthrobs model themselves after the Olsen Twins. Only four more years until they stop eating and drop out of college. [NYT]

• Lindsay Lohan and Brett Ratner are just friends. Friends who know nothing about each other, but friends none the less. [Page Six]

• Time magazine lists the 100 most influential people. It's such a shame Jim Kelly didn't make it this year. [NYDN]

• We thought Britney Spears would be thrilled to bring another paparazzi/DCFS magnet into the world, but, no. [Scoop]

• Pete Doherty claims that the needle he was shooting into a passed out woman was empty. Because injecting air into an unconscious girl isn't at all harmful. [AP]

• Nothing says "crack baby" like a Whitney Houston pregnancy rumor. [Scoop]

• Graydon Carter might put Paris Hilton the cover of Vanity Fair, but that doesn't mean her parents are welcome at his Oscar party. [Page Six]

• When Lindsay Lohan, the Olsens, and Paris Hilton get together for Amy Sacco, you'd expect such tension to be accompanied by a Nicole Richie arrival. [R&M]

• Rapper Shyne is changing his name to something Jewish and will take out a New York Post ad to announce it. Page Six, naturally, must cover it. [Page Six]

• Kid Rock blames Scott Stapp for losing their sex tape. And then thanks him for the PR, given his upcoming album. [AP]

• Dennis Rodman parties with the gays at Splash. Gays, everywhere, yawn. [Page Six]

• NBC White House correspondente David Gregory wasn't drunk yesterday when he phoned in to Don Imus' show. He had the giggles. [R&M]

• What's a Spin magazine celebration if there isn't a simultaneous Spin snub? [Page Six]