• Anyone one else nostalgic for the summer of 1977? The sun was shining, the grass was growing, and a psychotic serial killer was taking orders from his crazy murderous dog.
• Six years after the collapse of the Twin Towers, Mayor Bloomberg begrudgingly grants families of the 9/11 victims access to the WTC site.
• Look, Ma! More rain!
• 'Tis the season to needlessly overreact every single time you get bitten by a mosquito.
• Ever dreamed of being one of those crazy cat ladies? Well, here's your big chance!
• Funny, we never realized that, in New York, "carrying a 9-mm Magnum is at least something usual." Oh, those crazy (gun-toting) foreign reporters…
• We blame the MTA for screwing us over, not the rain.
• Could it be that American Apparel just became our new favorite store? Nope, wait, turns out they just make boring hoodie sweatshirts, and it was just the gratuitous nudity in their ad campaign distorting our judgment.
• And if the heat, rain, and hordes of walking pedestrians didn't kill Brooklyn residents, maybe this tornado will.
• Oh well, we guess there are worse ways to calm city students than by lining the school halls with chicken blood.
• Drug dealers using Mr. Softee trucks to hock their wares? Please tell us this is just another lame Friday sequel.
• If this woman gets a free MTA pass for life, maybe we should start having babies on buses.
• Getting shot in the park is no picnic.
• A Brooklyn artist thinks he's being nouveau bohemian, but when it comes down to it, he's just a silly tattooed man, living in a yellow submarine.
• Gephyrophobia…it's so now.
• You know that crazy lady that stands outside of bodegas, chain smoking and playing scratch offs? Well, she just won a million dollars. [NYDN]
• Does anyone who orders large fries from Wendy's really care that it has some trans-fat? [AP]
• And here we thought local politicians weren't scummy assholes. [NY1]
• Wyoming says historic diner, we say mediocre food and room for a new high-rise. [NY Sun]
• Apparently it pays to wear a cute mini-skirt and heels to work, it totally gets you more money. [NYT]
• Were you ever so angry at your mom that you beat her to death with a barbell? No? Then you and Michael Anthony would soooo not get along.
• Don't worry, families. Your loved ones may be gone, but in a mere twenty years or so, you'll have a beautiful, obnoxiously large corporate building to remember them by.
• Why are we depriving our rodent friends of a little late night garbage pick-up?
• We have ourselves what we like to call a blood shortage, which means we'll need all of you to roll up your shirtsleeves and start donating! Except for you who are gay, needle-sharers or underage.
• What kind of pleasure could this woman have gotten from a 4-year-old? Um, the question was rhetorical, sicko.
• Should he ever decide to (officially) run for president, Mayor Bloomberg might find himself haunted by all those women he greeted by saying, "Hey, nice ass."
• Check it out! Another luxury hotel for Lindsay Lohan to destroy.
• First we can't say the N word and now a symbolic ban on bitch and hoe? Next thing you know, they'll be telling us we can't talk refer to Hillary's knockers as "funbags" anymore.
• Daughter gags and castrates her father. Awww, looks like Daddy's little girl is growing up right before his (blindfolded) eyes.
• Times Square bids a tearful farewell to "Beauty and the Beast." Deeply moved New Yorkers say, "Yeah, that sucks. So how soon can we get the prostitutes and sex shops back?"
• Do you like grits? [Ed: Why??] If so, you're out of luck. The only diner in New York that actually sells them has always suspiciously "just ran out."
• New York City Hall installs world’s largest plasma screen. You know, in case Bloomberg wasn't already distracted enough by that presidential campaign that's "not" happening.
• There's something rather exhilarating about that first early-morning grope on the subway, isn't there?
• What better place to put a command post than on a ship with thousands of tourists and a McDonalds?
• It's just like the fall of the Berlin Wall! Except horribly inconvenient and slightly less liberating.
• Pretentious Williamsburg artists now throwing dinner parties for their laptops. They're BYOE (as in Bring Your Own Ethernet cable, obvs.)
• Mayor Bloomberg continues to deny that he's campaigning, despite the fact that there's no other plausible explanation for his continued presence in those annoying Midwestern states.
• A disgruntled cabbie equates the city-mandated GPS tracking systems to "an ankle bracelet they put on criminals." Or on fiery redheads with early-onset liver failure.
• We have no problem with Disney renting out NYC subway trains to stave off another fare hike. Unless that means our morning commute will be infiltrated by repeated renditions of the song "It's A Small World After All."
• Turns out Governor Eliot Spitzer just loves full-scale state mandated investigations. Except when they're targeting his own administration.
• We'll agree pay more for a subway the day we don't have to stand with our face pressed against a non-deodorant wearing stranger and our Marc Jacobs bag caught in the closing doors.
• Taxis rumored to go on strike, presumably because they're afraid city will catch crack down on their time-honored policy of ripping off tourists and not picking up black people.
• New Yorker's have ridiculously high Mercury levels, thanks to their ridiculously frequent visits to ridiculously priced restaurants like Sushi Samba. Ridiculous!
• The Sheryll Princess dinner cruise. It's just like Rosie's cruise, except without the unfunny lesbian humor and all the gay people.
• What is it about New York that makes rappers break the law? Could it be the overabundance of money-cash-hoes?
• Two new water cruises to be offered in New York and they are sure to delight the whole family (by which we mean anyone over the age of 65).
• Finally, a way to make Harry Potter enjoyable for everyone!
• For those of you who haven't been outside, or looked out the window—or are unemployed, 27 and living in your parents' basement—it's raining. All day! Which means your flight (undoubtedly to somewhere sunny and pleasant) is most likely canceled.
• Have you heard? The South Bronx is so the new Williamsburg. Which is to say, it's currently affordable and trendy, soon to be ridiculously overpriced and totally over.
• Playing with a random 120-pound dog outside of a restaurant is never really a good idea.
• No health risks from the NYC explosion. Except, you know, for those people who got hit with all the flying debris.
• Are you ready to stand in the sweltering heat with a bunch of smelly indie kids?
• If we had money to go on vacation, we'd definitely go through this guy.
• Now you won't need to leave your favorite lighter behind at the airport anymore! Which is super convenient for smokers and, of course, people who enjoy setting small fires on transcontinental flights.
• Hey, know what your morning commute has been missing? A giant, somewhat-terrifying shark hologram! And a clean pair of shorts.
• Nation's largest university to become even larger. Seriously, quit taking over our city, NYU.
• What's grosser than a 69 year old having sex? A 69 year old having sex with a mother and her daughter in an crappy airport motel.
• Hey, douchebag—the way it works is, you set the flaming bag of dog poo on fire. Not the actual dog.
• Because, really, what is a Yankees game without beer, hot dogs, overpriced baseball paraphernalia and a ridiculously fat, tumbling drunk man.
• New York City schools work hard (but covertly!) at preventing Asians from getting "too smart."
• Rich Manhattan doctor helps poor Bronx residents.
• Rapper Remmy Ma was arrested for possible murder charges. When asked for comment, she supposedly replied, "Lean back, cause I ain't eva wry, see Im foreva glory, smackin' up any chick in mah territory."
• We found one bus route that we'll never, ever ride.
• Times Square without the sex shops, prostitutes and now…cars? Jeez, next thing you know, they'll be outlawing tourists.
• Ahhhh, there's nothing quite like riding your motor scooter down the Coney Island boardwalk…and then hitting one of those loose boards, and falling flat on a rusty nail and/or syringe.
• And if the rusty nails don't kill you, maybe a runaway oil tanker will.
• Turns there are perks for keeping your virginity. Oh no wait, it's just crappy play tickets.
• In the event that the 90 degree weather prompted a craving for overpriced and overrated cupcakes, let us be the first second to inform you that Magnolia Bakery has been officially shut down Department of Health.
• While most normal New Yorkers are cursing the recent hot/muggy/humid wave, some nannies think it's the perfect "inappropriately lying out in their bikinis" weather.
• For $70 an hour, your psychologist had better at least pretend to be writing down your laundry list of neuroses.
• A ban on Styrofoam? At last! An excuse to break out that "Hello Kitty" mug our grandmother gave us in the third grade.
• Have you ever gone to Rye Playland and thought you were safe? Well, seeing as you're putting your life in the hands of a bunch of cracked out carnies, it's probably not "safe" so much as "really, really dangerous."
• What comes second to getting hit by a car? Getting slammed into by an inexperienced bicyclist.
• Bloomberg moves to satellite office in Brooklyn; neighbor Lil Kim exclaims, "Fuck ya'all, get out."
• Next time you "forget to pay for" one of those gross/amazing meat-on-a-stick snacks in Chinatown, and think nobody saw you—think again.
• It's days like today that make us wonder why we live in a city whose average July/August temperature is "93 and muggy."
• Put on some obscure 90's pop music, grab yourselves some cheese fries, and strap on those roller blades Prospect Park, it's roller rink time!
• Rule of thumb, NYPD: Next time you get a complaint about an illegal fireworks display, try not to blame the woman with Down's Syndrome.
• Remember the good ole' days when Girls Scouts, Jehovah's Witnesses, and the Encyclopedia Men came to your door? Now, it's just psychos posing as fireman and drug addicts pretending to be cops.
• New York City male ballet dancer loves the nose candy just as much as the next emaciated coke-head.
• Indian Point is said to have highly trained professional engineers, but we think Homer Simpson's in charge.
• Hurry, Hurry! Get your New York souvenirs, discount clothing, and pirated movies before Fulton Street shuts down.
• A-Rod sends for MRI following hamstring injury. When reached for comment, Rodiriguez's wife said, "Huh, that's funny, I thought I kicked him in the balls."
• Meanwhile, Cynthia Rodiriguez's controversial F-bomb shirt spawns retaliation tank top.
• A violin left behind at a subway station was reunited with its owner after would-be burglars were disappointed to discover it wasn't "something cool, like a guitar."
• Mayor Bloomberg has no feelings whatsoever about Bush's unexpected decision to commute Scotoer Libby's prison sentence.
• Second Avenue Deli to be replaced by a Chase Manhattan, angering loyalists who are "skeptical" about the quality of bank's pastrami on rye.
• The next time your grandmother sends you a $20 bill on your birthday, or knits you a fuzzy pair of mittens, thank her, then ask if she's been having unprotected sex with multiple partners.
• From CNN: "A peacock that roamed into the parking lot of a Burger King in New York City was beaten by a man who insisted it was a vampire." True story.
• Typically, when you're walking down Fordham Road, getting your foot severed by a pile of falling bricks isn't exactly high up on your list of concerns.
• In addition to having the poorest air quality of the five boroughs, Staten Island is also said to be "BFF" with Joe Camel.
• After opposing the trans-fat ban and loosely following the Clean Indoor Air Act, it hardly comes as a surprise that New York bar and club owners have chosen to ignore those invasive new noise regulations.
• A serial rapist was apprehended in Prospect Park yesterday, much to the delight of defenseless single women who enjoy long, solitary walks in the park. At 3am. While there's a serial rapist on the loose.
• Newsweek reveals the real reason behind Bloomberg's crusade against fast food, and its not his irrational fear of the Hamburglar.
• We take it this Staten Island resident wasn't using Potassium Nitrate to make his pretty July 4th fireworks.
• Apparently, that Japanese guy's lock jaw won't stop him from sucking down Nathan's hot dogs!
• After nearly half a century, the National Park Service cheats on the Circle Line with some whore from California.
• Lastly, check out this gift-wrapped CBS headline: "Only In New York City: Pizzeria Offers Lap Dances." It's almost as though they knew we were short of material!
Editorial Director
