• MTA to keep the alcohol flowing on the LIRR, which is great news for concert-goers at Jones Beach who realistically planned on drinking either way.

• NYC officials say Governor's Island is due for a renovation. And by "renovation," they mean "something the city can actually make money off of, somehow."

• Ever walk across Canal Street and trip over eight Chinese guys trying to tell you the same, crappy Louis Vuitton knock-off? Now imagine Canal when the city starts promoting the Big Apple in China.

• NYC school children are officially out of school for the summer, which means starting tomorrow, the hooligans take to the streets again, and the truant officers are powerless to stop them.

CONTINUED »

• City to get stricter on noise violations, meaning it's only a matter of time before that annoying dog next door gets slapped with a $175 fine for disturbing the peace.

• New JP Morgan Chase building said to have a six floor tumor. Fortunately, it's benign.

• Your neighbor's building has a squash court, a bowling alley, a sky-lit indoor pool and a Turkish Bath. Meanwhile, all you have is a rodent problem and pre-war plumbing.

• Major companies owe NYC a total of $7 million, however Bloomberg continues to insist the debt is mere pocket change.

• Officials want New Yorkers to save money and ditch bottled water for the tap. BONUS: That extra money you save will be going straight to the 11.5% water bill increase.

• Transvestite mermaids, graced the drug-laced boardwalk of Coney Island. And you missed it.

• Wait, Queens has a zoo?

• What's better than Pride's rainbow parade, leather-clad drag queens, and margaritas? Duh, the Lower East Side UFO festival.

• While this man runs for 24 hours straight in Times Square, we'll be scarfing down Cheddar Bay Biscuits at Red Lobster.

• Apparently, gay people like to swim.

• Sopranos stalkers have been incessantly calling Holsten's ice cream parlor (in Bloomfield, NJ) to reserve the booth where Tony may or may not have gotten shot.

• The health commissioner attribute a recent drop in cigarette sales to those creepy anti-smoking ads featuring Stephen Hawking. However, we're convinced the whole "$8 a pack" thing may have something to do with it.

• A grouchy wet blanket takes a Long Island couple to court over an out of control game of Marco Polo.

• Rudy Giuliani kinda, maybe starting to regret helping Bloomberg get elected mayor.

• Lenox Hill Hospital attempts to upgrade their status from "junk" to "tolerable, but pretty fuckin' crappy."

• Advertisements geared towards making the Bronx a tourist destination to air starting on Monday. Featured landmarks are said to include the zoo, the botanical gardens, and that ultra safe street known as the Grand Concourse.

• A gay female rabbi will lead this year's NYC pride parade. Meanwhile, organizers are hoping their choice won't cause any a gay shemozzle.

• Jaded New Yorkers are so over that whole "wedding" thing.

• LaGuardia Airport is reporting delays for two straight days; angry passengers nonteheless report seeing Bloomberg zoom off to his next campaign destination.

• We haven't seen this much mob news since all that hype about The Sopranos ending.

• Letting "the girls" get some fresh air is so in right now. Meanwhile, referring to a woman's breasts as "the girls" is—and always will be—totally lame.

• Mayor Bloomberg has visited 20 U.S. cities in the past 18 months. You know, it's almost like he's campaigning for something other than New York City mayor.

• Greedy Coney Island developer get slightly less greedy and agrees to rescind plans to build residential developments; local drug dealers rejoice.

• Apparently going to NYU is really expensive. Who knew??

• Meanwhile, it turns out fast food chains would prefer that you didn't know how many Weight Watchers points a Big Mac is worth. [Answer: 30,000].

• Rats take a short break from terrorizing New York Times' staffers to make out like bandits at your friendly, neighborhood Pinkberry.

• A strange new sleepwalking epidemic has overtaken the Upper East Side. The majority of yuppie somnambulists reportedly woke up to find themselves being turned away from Dorian's.

• Queen's council wants all the bodegas to have security cameras, both to prevent late-night shootings but also to catch those pesky hooligan kids stealing drunk munchies.

• Yeah, it's never a particularly good idea to hang out at Prospect Park circa 2 a.m.

• Just because you didn't get a blood transfusion in the eighties, doesn't mean you don't have Hepatitis C. In fact, might have even contracted it at Wolfgang Puck's fancy dinner parties!

• Paul McCartney fans/ people who bought his CD at Starbucks fought for a seat to his "secret" show. Until they realized it was a 20 song set.

• Along with publicly endorsing the gays, Governor Spitzer is now said to be embracing the idea of legalizing medical marijuana. Related: NYU students plan gay, pot-smoking celebration.

• Con Ed assures Queens that they won't suffer from any major blackouts this summer. Better luck next year, Bronx!

• New ice-cream flavor, "Staten Island Landfill" is under attack by the borough president, who feels it's misrepresentative of the community. A spokesperson for the ever-accommodating ice cream company suggested the flavor be renamed, "Staten Island: Because The Rent In Astoria, Queens Is Still Too High."

• The MTA hates disabled passengers. Then again, who doesn't?

• Robbers shot and killed a Bodega owner in Queens. presumably in order to get their hands on the early shipment of US Weekly.

• New York to be the first northern state to apologize for slavery. Meanwhile, West Virgina and New Jersey are still "thinking about it."

• Who says cheating never pays off? The Bronx Bombers go 9-2 following news of A-Rod's adultery. Related: Knicks' coach Isaiah Thomas to announce that his entire starting five just finished gang-banging a stripper in the team locker room.

• The 50th Puerto Rican Day Parade yielded only 80 arrests this year, or—as officials like to call it—nearly 80 times the number of arrests made at the Thanksgiving Day parade.

• Being named "Osama" is really hard. Then again, so is living in Staten Island.

• It's the classic star-crossed lovers tale: A businessman gets his heart broken…so he butchers his ex-girlfriend and leaves a dildo on her back.

• Wealthy white people/trust fund hipsters are ruining Williamsburg's ethnic diversity, Related: Starving artists actually starving, malnourished.

• Mexican Immigrants are said to be the cause of a mini NYC baby boom, overwhelming hospital staffers and royally pissing off lifelong racist Pat Buchanan.

• An intoxicated 15-year-old boy was pulled over by a state trooper. Parents are already invoking the "Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton" defense.

• You know those rolly-wheel-shoes that piss off absolutely everyone? Well, apparently they're also giving kids broken bones and gaping wounds. But at least they're cool!

• Half of New York City public colleges don't have the resources needed to register students as voters. Related: Republicans celebrate their upcoming White House win.

• New York City was rated the safest big city in the US. You know, except for the occasional terrorist plot.

• Government employers are accused of using "unethical practices" in the hiring of NYC lifeguards. Apparently, the slogan "It's Just Like Baywatch, Minus The Saline-Implants" didn't sit too well with some of the ladies.

• A jealous/pregnant woman runs over her longtime lover in her new lover's car. Because she's crazy? Nope, just a case of raging hormones, says the Lindsay Lohan wannabe.

• A Long Islander instantly scares the living bejesus out of us by molesting one of his boss' children simply out of pure, unadulterated revenge. (And, possibly, hormones!)

• Meanwhile, Governor Eliot Spitzer announces plans to spend twice as much on the "I Love New York" campaign as last year. The extra money will be used on "new media" which apparently includes something called the "internet."

• Finally, tourists will soon be able to see 3-D images of New York, thanks to a brand new Google feature. Next up for Google: giving tourists the virtual experience of being mugged and/or solicited for money by drunk homeless people.

• Jones Beach to be trampled on by 400,000 people this weekend for the annual air-show. And by "400,000 people" we actually mean "400,000 chain-smoking guidos."

• New York drivers recieve lowest passing rate on a driver's knowledge quiz— Idaho recieves highest. Meanwhile, New Yorkers tell Idaho that they pretty much only have potatoes, so they'll give em' this one.

• Spiderman sentenced to 150 years in prison. No, not the spandex-wearing superhero—the career rapist and sodomist.

• Construction began on a giant mall in Queens yesterday, which may or may not include a Walmart. Related: developers hoping to turn Queens into "white trash."

• Efforts to end the city's illegal cigarette trade will include implementing encoded tax stamps. Smokers reject the new legislation and have rented the Circle-Line to throw a New York Tea Cigarette Party.

• Gallons of a lethal chemical were spilt in an elderly home today. While some merely experienced itchy eyes and flaking skin, one octogenerian "victim" is said to be able to scale walls and move objects with her mind.

• While NYC water may have fluoride to keep Manhattanites teeth pearly white, it may also contain car wash run-off. In related news, Amy Winehouse is suddenly blaming her myriad of teeth problems on her recent visit to the Big Apple.

• Metro North to build new station at Yankee Stadium in hopes that Westchester "Soccer Dads" will leave their mini-vans at home.

• The ACLU nearly creamed their pants when a man was ordered to take down a protest flag. Fortunately, the park service then remembered hippies have the right to protest in open fields, and turned their attention back to that that damned picnic-basket stealing bear.

• Chinatown bus crashes into an embankment and flips over. And you thought the worst case scenario involved sitting next to a "smelly guy" and his tuna fish sandwich.

• A new lawsuit claims FDNY's recruitment exam discriminates against blacks, Hispanics while somehow tailoring itself toward the "drunk, middle aged Irishmen" demographic.

• A woman falls into a pit after the sidewalk grill gives way. Fortunately, there was an electrified power vault right there to cushion her fall.

• An old man was found beaten to death in his longtime residence on the Upper East Side; his loved ones gathered to mourn the loss of this amazing, rent-controlled apartment.

• DWI arrests have risen 123%. Damn you, Long Island!

• A woman tosses a baby carriage into the Hudson river. Related: Britney Spears' loses "Worst Mother" award.

• According to the latest test scores, the majority of city school kids are failing Social Studies. When reached for comment, a somber Mayor Bloomberg begged them not to go on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?

• Due to severe overcrowding in Long Island penitentiaries, New York City plans to take on some of the surplus inmates, thereby bringing whole new meaning to the phrase "B&T."

• Developers design an African themed condo in Harlem to remind the community of their roots. And by "remind the community," we actually mean "remind the rich white people."

• A Queen's councilman pulls a Morgan Spurlock; proves that being poor, ironically, makes you fat.

• Governor Spitzer shuns promises of better health care, opting instead to focus his energies (and our money) on New York's criminal seamen.

• And finally, a man who had hoped to impress Mary Jane Watson instead finds himself dead.

• PETA is pissed at Anna Wintour for traumatizing innocent peacocks, not inviting PETA to her fancy costume gala.

• Judge disappoints pervy jurors, NYDN by refusing to allow details of Peter Braunstein’s “raunchy sex life” into evidence.

• Only eight legitimate protestors show up to the "Free Paris" rally; everyone else just shows up to laugh, awkwardly watch.

• According to Mayor Bloomberg's new green plan, dogs are free to roam leash-less in city parks from 9pm to 9am. Which is great news for dog-owners, and horrible news for park-dwelling bums.

• All of New York’s 13,000 cabs to be outfitted with touch-screen computers. Drivers reportedly pissed at the additional expense, afraid Big brother will catch them not picking up black people.

• Naomi Campbell: bringing saphron traffic-vests back, makes sanitation work fashionable.

• Three Long Islanders were apprehended on the Triborough Bridge with $4000 worth of coke…because they couldn't pay the $4.50 toll.

• Cost of imaginary Second Avenue subway project increases by $54 million real dollars.

• "NYU is poisoning the culture of the Village." Well, obviously.

• Police found 22 pounds of marijuana concealed in a spare tire. More surprising, however, was the 50 grams of coke that was stashed in the love handles/cankle regions.

• 101 year old mugging victim claims she's far too busy with her canasta tournament to speak with the district attorney's office.

• New Yorkers think Bloomberg's a better mayor than Giuliani, a better candidate for the Oval Office, and a better dresser than Hillary.

• NYC health inspectors have already shut down over 90 restaurants (and written up one Conde Nast cafeteria!) since the KFC/Taco Bell ratgate.

• Traffic Tsar candidates have "vastly differing visions" about…traffic?

• Psst, did you guys know that Graydon Carter started a celebrity clubhouse called the Waverly Inn? Neither did we!

• Barack Obama fundraiser attracts more preppy people in their mid-twenties than Dorian's and Kips Bay put together!

• Fired Long Island teacher claims she was fired on suspicions that she was a witch; principal says, "Nono, it was because she's crazy."

• Giuliani's tough, New Yorker act may actually hinder his chances of winning the Republican nominationl. Another thing that might hinder his chances: the fact that he married his first cousin.

• Sure, Jerry Orbach was great on Law & Order. But is he street sign worthy?

• John's Pizzeria reopens five days after being shut down by the Health Department. Proprietors list 'health inspectors who desperately need to get to get laid' as the main reason for the original health code violations.

• Importing foreigners to the island just got costlier. (PDF) Running the Staten Island Ferry is, like, expensive.

• Fat black guy pretends to be young Jewish girl. Or something. Either way, he's a scam artist. And totally our new best friend.

• First restaurant blew up. Second restaurant can barely survive restaurant industry.

• Wine fraud. But don't worry, nobody is diving into your dumpster.

• Yo quiero new inspectors. Health department brushes off blame for that whole Taco Bell/KFC rat fiasco.

• Gypsy brawl. Crystal ball didn't see it coming.