With a couple of notable exceptions (think In Touch's disastrous Virginia Tech cover) the tabloids tend to steer clear of anything even resembling actual news. Instead, they manage to fabricate loosely sourced (and often contradictory) vignettes about the supposed secret lives of prominent public figures largely irrelevant celebrity has-beens.
And so it stands to reason that, when given the chance to sink their collective chompers into a legitimate celebrity scandal, the glossies would (metaphorically) jump at the chance. Which is why we were kinda surprised to see that out of the five covers, only one (Us Weekly, natch) was devoted to famous-person Owen Wilson's shocking true-life struggle with drugs and depression.
But why? How? And, more importantly, why?
When pondering the "Mystery Of The Missing Owen Wilson Covers," we came up with a couple of equally implausible theories. Our inexpert and largely incomplete analysis, after the jump.
Last week, Owen Wilson tried to kill himself so this week Elle EIC Roberta Myers is responding by trying to "kill" the upcoming Q&A with Wilson in their December Hollywood issue.
"Obviously the circumstances have changed significantly," said Myers. "When we were to be on the newsstand with the story, it would have been quite dated. Obviously, he's not going to update it for us. Out of respect for his privacy and anything he is going through, we're not going to run the piece."
Also obvious? In light of Wilson's attempted suicide and his purported heroin addiction, Myers has concluded that now may not be the very best time to run a boring puff piece about his unique brand of slacker comedy (occasionally referred to as his ‘stoner insouciance!’) with an accompanying sidebar entitled "Owen's Christmas Wish List."
• Naomi Campbell gets naked for the sake of art. Assuming "art" is broadly defined as "lying on a bed of rotten fruit."
• Miss South Carolina goes on the Today show to explain how she entered a pageant comprised of large-chested blond girls and left with the undisputed title as "the dumb one." (Highlight: After Ann Curry lobs a couple of softballs, Matt Lauer interjects with, "At what point, Caitlyn, during the answer did you start to think to yourself, 'is this making any sense?' Oh, snap!)
• Rumors of Owen Wilson's possible suicide attempt are still…unconfirmed.
• Meanwhile, in the wake of Wilson's hospitalization, paparazzi fall all over themselves to get these exclusive shots of his ex, Kate Hudson, crying internally while holding a Starbucks coffee cup.
• The top-secret child abuse allegations against Britney Spears mysteriously end up in documents filed b K-Fed's lawyers just 24 hours later. Bizarre!
• Britney Spears is being investigated for child abuse. Obvious Guy says: "Um, it's about time!"
• Yep, looks as though Owen Wilson's request for privacy has been heard, dutifully ignored, and reprinted ad nauseum.
• Tracy Morgan's wife realizes the error of her ways, decides to divorce Tracy Morgan.
• Michael Vick finds Jesus. Funny, we didn't even realize he was missing!
• Meanwhile, DMX is just like Michael Vick, except minus the amazing athletic prowess. And the new crazy-religious kick.
• Cameron Diaz shops at Urban Outfitters?? Ewwww.
• Something about this post on Jessica Alba doesn't quite add up. Also: it's creepy.
• Brangelina's herd of adopted children are reportedly starry-eyed.
After news first broke of the Butterscotch Stallion's attempted suicide, we figured we'd go straight to the most reliable source we could think of: the angry mob. And based on the comments from this ABC story alone, Wilson's hospitalization has evoked everything from heartfelt sympathy to bitch comments about his wonky nose.
But first, confusion.
"Why would someone with a good life want to attempt suicide?" wonders Rick J. Alemany, who seems to have missed the point somehow. Fortunately, however, the ever-helpful megrim1 has the answer.
"If I looked like Owen Wilson, I would have tried to kill myself a long time ago," he/she explains.
Classy!
Every gossip wants some of this "Owen Wilson tried killing himself" action.
TMZ.com issued the requisite email blast, but only to say they "confirmed" the news. Star and the National Enquirer teamed up to claim the exclusive news. Entertainment Tonight weighed in with news that Owen moved hospitals. The Insider is boasting exclusive video footage of brothers Luke and Andrew outside the hospital. People has the news, but only via confirmation from the police. Us Weekly's got the story — via TMZ.
And Mollygood, meanwhile, was on hand to offer possibly inappropriate commentary.
• Only days after finding God, Paris Hilton is already looking forward to her spiritual reawakening/out of jail Vegas bash.
• Ryan Phillippe's little girl is growing up so fast. In fact, she already looks just like that gorgeous actress he cheated on.
• Bobby Brown is still convinced that deranged Whitney fan Osama Bin Laden is out to get him.
• Meanwhile, the Butterscotch Stallion rides his mountain bike all the way Scores.
• Also, when Anne Heche isn't flirting with every girl in sight, she's draping herself over Ethan Hawke.
• Dermot Mulroney is officially done being married to actress Catherine Keener. But he still plans to watch her edgy indy flicks religiously on DVD.
• Christina Aguilera tricks her new hubby into wearing an effeminate grass skirt by telling him, "You are beautiful. No matter what they say."
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson's adulterous affair-turned-relationship is over, even before it "officially" ever began.
• Thanks to Sarah Silverman, Cisco Adler's balls will be hanging around for just a little while longer.
• Victoria Beckham defies gravity and mandatory pants-or-skirt requirement in this revolutionary corset singlet.
• Watch out Lindsay—there's a new hottie in town. And she doesn't have "mandatory drug-testing" written into her employment agreement.
• Who knew Ryan Seacrest acting like himself could be so damn hilarious?
• 50 Cent announces he'll be leaving the music biz to focus his energies entirely towards his one true passion: getting shot.
• Orlando Bloom is ready to fall in love, still hoping against hope that he'll find Mr. Right an awesome new girlfriend.
• Kanye West: "I've known my mom since I was zero years old. She is quite dope." Fortunately for Mrs. West, her son is kind of a "dope" as well.
• Oprah Winfrey learns her father is writing a tell-all about his famous progeny; the book is said to be less fictitious than James Frey, and almost as boring as "The Secret."
• Check out all the accomplished politicians, Pulitzer Prize winning authors and billionaires who were once rejected by Harvard admissions! It's all kind of empowering, until you remember that your parents are still paying your cell phone bill.
• Meanwhile, Britney Spears naively hopes a B-12 shot will put the "zap" back into those lip-syncing routines.
• Those zany Wilson brothers are at it again! Their latest hijinks? Firing their own mother! Oh, the tomfoolery…
• The Coop puts himself on the charity auction block, and—unsurprisingly—finds himself sold to a male bidder.
• Here's exactly what your afternoon's been missing—a cheesy, 80's-themed pop video featuring Hugh Grant in too-tight pants.
• Joss Stone dated some producer guy for two years and all they did in the bedroom was hold hands. Seriously.
• Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson (Kate-o? Will-Hud?) are possibly back on, definitely giving bloggers everywhere an opportunity to use the phrase "down under" while snickering.
• More about the crazy, do-whatever-it-takes intern who's making LC and the dumb one look bad on The Hills.
• Turns out Project Runway winner Jeffrey Sebelia is as much of a jerk off-screen as he was on the show.
• After leaving her hubby for Owen Wilson, Kate Hudson is determined to try and give her extra-marital affair a second chance.
• Today in not-at-all-crazy news, Lindsay Lohan reportedly stashed her surgically removed appendix in her freezer and is contemplating selling it on ebay.
• Will Gabrielle Union still be dry-humping Derek Jeter after she sees the Yankees slugger's mug, circa 1992?
• Brad Pitt decides he "wants to be more of a man." Related: Pitt's ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston, concludes she wants to have "less of a nose."
• In his scandalous new memoir, Scott Baio offers an in-detail description of the time he deflowered his Joanie Love Chachi co-star's sofa-bed.
• Note to all you wedding crashers: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's will be saying "I do" at Chateau de Chantilly on July 7.
• Check out Courntney Love's laundry list of New Year's resolutions, including "sell the pony," "stay pissed off at the world," and "no more surgery for any reason other than medical until i really need it in my 60s." No, seriously.
• After nearly being stripped of her crown, Miss "Rehab" USA contemplates stripping for Playboy.
• Paris Hilton enjoys having a wild monkey in her bed; everyone feigns surprise.
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have reportedly ended their affair in an effort to prevent "Kato" from totally catching on.
• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson: Two cosmic peas in a pod.
• Angelina Jolie might be pregnant. Or not. Either way, she's thinner than all of us.
• Blame Borat for Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock's divorce.
• Owen Wilson plans to ask Kate Hudson to marry him with a mall-bought ring.
• Now that O.J. Simpson's Fox TV interview is canned, every other network wants to sit him down for some meta chatter about the whole ordeal.
• PETA names Nicole Richie "worst dressed celeb." Way to go, Rachel Zoe!
• Phil Donahue plans anti-Iraq war movie, encroaches on Michael Moore's turf.
• While Al Sharpton handles the alleged race-based NYPD shoot-out on Saturday, the Rev. Jesse Jackson is left to boycott Seinfeld.
• Lindsay Lohan will bring cupcakes and flash a little boob, just to keep her job of doing nothing but partying and shopping. [Gatecrasher]
• If we had the choice between drowning or getting mouth to mouth from Tom Cruise, we'd swallow gulps of saltwater til we sank. Isn't it sad that he used to be our lifeguard fantasy? [Page Six]
• It's Us Weekly, so you never know … but Kate Hudson is reportedly screwing Owen Wilson. She really should be with a funny guy. [Us Weekly]
• The Guardian is sorry. Prince Harry grabbed those titties three years ago. Not last week. It's all their fault. [Guardian]
• How did Rachel Ray ever land a star like Oprah on her show? [People]
When MTV invited us along to their annual publicity vehicle known at the Movie Awards, we had dreams of getting squished in with the tabloids and television cameras on the red carpet. And like Pete Doherty to handcuffs, it came together exactly as expected. We were herded onto the Sony lot along with a hundred or so other press outlets on Saturday, awaiting Jessica Simpson's ample calves and Steve Carrell's freshly waxed chest.
While we stuck around to catch host Jessica Alba supervise the popcorn distribution, most of the fun took place among the troops.
This is MTV's holding pen, where the press corp took turns lining up in single file to be hauled off to the red carpet. The most exciting part? Free Snickers.
The Viewing Room, where press not invited inside the show were welcome to watch the live feed. At the end of the day, we realized these folks were the lucky ones.
This is where the press peed while waiting to get into single file.
After the jump, we promise real celebrities. And no pee.
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Editorial Director
