The variety acts of yesteryear have gone the way of Carroll Burnett and Ed Sullivan's careers. The two comedians, who in pre-TiVo time were able to entertain audiences with skits and musical numbers, are now relics of a bygone time of star power, speaking to a nearly vanished ability to carry an entire show on personality alone. Let's see Ryan Seacrest keep American Idol going without the idols. Nowadays, the closest thing we got is Saturday Night Live, but it's less a variety show than a short form comedy troupe.

Two new shows hope to fill the gap in larger-than-life hosts and bring back the variety show to primetime: an upcoming Osbourne family program (hey what's up 2003??), and a one hour pre-Thanksgiving special starring Rosie O'Donnell.

Let's play a little game called Good Idea/Bad Idea:

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• Lindsay Lohan's new boyfriend is less than pleased that his ex-girlfriend (ex-fiancee??) sold her story to the National Enquirer. So displeased, in fact, that he has lots of misspelled words, hastily typed profanities and grammatically incorrect things to say about it!

• Sadly, Riley "Scary Eyes" Giles will probably deal with his ex's betrayal by taking a shitload of prescription medications. That he prescribed himself.

• Who wants to be the next Ozzy Osbourne? Apparently, everyone!

• Russell Crowe doesn't want his sons acting. Presumably because he's afraid it will turn them into self-important douchebags who cheat on their wives.

• Sorry, pervs. Summer Roberts (fine, Rachel Bilson) is way too classy to show you her "Britney."

Not surprising: Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne are more excited about seeing "The Queen" then they are about seeing the President.

Sort-of surprising: "The Queen" is actually a clever euphemism for Elton John.

[NYDN]

• Sharon Stone accidentally confuses her dress with a used tampon.

• Jared Leto finally shares his weight loss secret: curry powder and mediocre romps in the sack.

• We never thought we'd actually say this, but Amanda Peet could actually (gulp) benefit from the overpriced services of vapid raisin-face Rachel Zoe.

• Ozzy Osbourne reminds us all you need is sex, drugs, rock n' roll and…Botox?

• A bikini clad Pamela Anderson shows us, Kid Rock why she's still worth sucker-punching Tommy Lee smack in the middle of Alicia Keys' performance at the VMA's for.

• Apparently, the downside to being one of the numerous third world street urchins adopted by Brangelina is you have to sleep in their bed. (Or wait, was that the upside?)

• Paris Hilton's definition of contrition apparently involves SPF 8 and a skimpy green bikini.

• When you squint your eyes and look at Ozzy Osbourne from a certain angle, it almost looks as though he's sleeping with Ashton Kutcher.

• Lindsay Lohan is not pleased that the results of her toxicology tests were leaked, hence the whole "I'm totally taking this second stint in rehab more seriously" PR blitz.

• We've all heard the old saying (and a crappy 80's pop song) "opposites attract." And yet, for whatever reason, the smart, sober demographic failed to tune in for the premiere of Paula Abdul's new reality show.

• Before you judge Rebecca Gayheart for grabbing her hubby's crotch in public, just ask yourself how much restraint you'd have if you were married to Dr. McSteamy.