When was the last time you were forced to read a bad pun in the Page Six regarding oil billion-heir (see?) Brandon Davis, and the amount shiny grease in his hair? Get it, because he's got oil money, and his hair is oily. Oy vey.
You might not be so happy at first to see Davis' name in print: he's pretty much disappeared after calling Lindsay Lohan a fire-crotch, but then you realize that he's only being mentioned because of his recent string of bad luck and insane debt, and your Monday just started out a little better, right?
Two months ago the story was about how Davis stole another free-floating heir's credit card and maxed it out after his family cut him off. Since then he's become a "professional couch surfer," but his love of gambling and nose candy apparently don't make the best combo, and his most recent claim to fame involved getting himself kicked out of a famous underground (oxymoron?) West Hollywood casino.
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Wellllllllll, this has never happened before: some Paris Hilton news that actually interests us.
Hilton, she of the sex tapes and the drunken club appearances and the jail time (and the Dubai hotelier fawning), has signed on to star in a "companion piece" to Todd Solondz' 1998 masterwork, Happiness. Quite a leap for an actress accustomed to horror operas and grainy stag flicks.
Solondz is a true artist, and (along with his premiere Welcome to the Dollhouse), Happiness, which stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Dylan Baker, is one of the best dark comedies of the past decade. Watching it, you almost forget that it's awash in the semen of both grown men and young boys. (It would be crude and easy of us to suggest that fact is what helped sell Hilton on the sequel, so we'll not.)
What a delight it will be to see how Solondz goes about using Hilton's, uh, talents?
After the jump, some of our favorite Happiness moments. (NSFW!!!!)
It's about time we all started flashing out money around a little bit more noticeably, it's not like it's going anywhere, right? Or at least, so the logic goes over in Dubai, that city on a cloud that's made out of sand, dreams, and oil money.
Those kookie developers, not content to have merely a five-star hotel shaped like a sailboat, or extra islands dredged up from the ocean floor, are trying to lure our most valuable resource, Paris Hilton, to their native lands by promising her a hotel named in her honor. Although that probably means they are just after her daddy's development money and think that naming something "The Hilton" will confuse all of those middle class American tourists looking to save a buck or two when traveling to the world's richest emirate.
Right, because this is definitely happening, and not an obvious plant by one of three girls' agents in hopes of ratcheting up interest to "make it happen:"
Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are rumoured to be in talks to star in a sitcom together.
US TV network HBO, which brought us Sex and the City, are reportedly keen to sign up the blonde trio to appear as flatmates struggling to make it big in Hollywood.
Oh, and it just gets better from there. Someone has an extreme case of schadenfreude.
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Paris Hilton confuses us, because 90 percent of the time she is an insufferable twit who puts out crappy music and perfume — but then there's that other 10 percent where she's actually slightly funny and seem to be in on the joke.
Insert obligatory Palin reference, after the jump:
Can you believe we actually suffered through Paris Hilton's My New BFF last night? And — even crazier than that — we didn't feel the urge to stab ourselves in the eyes? We realized that once you sit through A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, you can sit through anything.
Anyway, the contestant who makes this show bearable is Onch, a jewelry designer from Hacienda Heights, Calif. Onch's favorite color is rainbow (seriously) and prefers the term "pomp" over "fabulous." Also? Onch is a male.
Whoops guys, looks like while your back was turned, Paris Hilton(TM) managed to find another way to keep making money, adding a fifth fragrance to her line of perfumes. The ad for the scent features Hilton as the Green Fairy from Moulin Rouge(?) with tagline "Do You Believe in Fairy Tales?"
Unsurprising then, that the name of the perfume is Fairy Dust. What is surprising however, is that the bottle is not just a 6-ounce vial of cocaine.
So if you ever wanted to smell like an unnecessary cultural figure whose name is most associated with disgusting affluence and venereal diseases, now is your chance. Paris Hilton makes no promises that purchasing said item will make you her new BFF, since that is something one must audition for.
5WPR, the public relations firm led by industry punching bag Ronn Torossian, sent over a few photos of Paris Hilton, Benji Madden, and America's Next Top Model something Jaslene Gonzalez (who we don't know, and apparently neither does 5WPR, since they spelled her name "Jaslene Gonzalzes") partying at "new midtown hostpot" Haven last night. Notes the emailed plant: "The notorious party girl parked herself at the table right next to the DJ booth, where her bf Benji was spinning, keeping herself awake by drinking Three Olives Cherry Vodka and Red Bull all night long."
Normally, we refrain from posting this soul-emaciating flack-fed items. But then some of you might have been worried that, given the ruinous economy and Wall Streeters withdrawing cash from their bank accounts, the days of overpriced bottle service were over. Hallelujah, they are not! (More evidence of celebrities paid to show up places here.)
Paris Hilton may sometimes be a little ditzy when it comes to her pet-collecting tendencies (haha remember that monkey?) but at least she never managed to kill any of them. Sure there was that time the heiress left her cat at the vets for so long they had to bring it back to her, but when you own a San Diego Zoo's worth of lemurs and kinkajous, it's sort of hard to keep track of your 17 unusually small dogs and other "normal" animals.
Whoops…did we say 17? Make that 15: Two of Paris' dogs were killed by coyotes last night. No word yet on which two of the many, many puppies were murdered, or if Tinkerbell (arguably the only dog of Paris' anyone knew about) was involved, but it's sad none the less. Even if Paris was once named "worst dog owner," coyotes are known to attack other animals without prejudice to whether or not their owners are overprivileged bimbos.
Paris Hilton's ode to herself, MTV's Paris Hilton's My New BFF, debuts Sept. 30 with 16 women and 2 men competing to be her "paparazzi-ready" best friend. In hyping the show, Hilton says 300,000 people applied to be on the show.
Like the story she tells suitors about being drug and disease free, this is a lie. CONTINUED »
LA sucks for many reasons, but one big one is its mayor, Anthony Villaraigosa. It's hard to trust a guy who sits around chatting with Paris Hilton while eating succulent bone-in lamb chops. It's even harder to trust a guy who outright lies about how much time he dedicates to his public service, saying he works 18 hours a day while actually putting in only 13, many of which are dedicated to traveling and winning office again.
After the jump, a look at Mayor Villaraigosa's use of time from May to August of this year, according to whistle-blowing paper the LA Weekly.
The unrelenting press attention was something I didn’t expect, and I don’t think I managed it as well as I could,” Silverman added. “I am the only person doing this job that’s single, the only person under 40, I just think there are other elements that may play into it. Sure, I invited a lot of that onto myself, and this coming Sunday is the Emmys and I will be sitting with the nominees, not with the other network heads, I’m sure that would piss me off too…I may be the Paris Hilton of NBC, that’s what our head of HR says, but the fact is, I am so committed to the job,” [B&C]
Oh, (single) NBC exec Ben Silverman, there are only so many clever ways to call you a tool and tell you to get over yourself, but blogs are continuously racking their brains for new adjectives to describe your particular brand of (unmarried) douchebag. CONTINUED »
Having exhausted all 18 people willing to try out to be her new best friend, Paris Hilton is heading to the U.K. for another chance. Her reality show Paris Hilton's New BFF has been picked up by Britain's ITV2, and will follow Ms. Hilton in the same routine as her U.S. version, but its working title is the acronym-less Paris Hilton's New Best Friend, to factor in the additional second of attention span Europeans have for Hilton.
'Worldwide Entertainment Group, the company behind [National Lampoon's Pledge This! ], is suing [Paris Hilton]for $75,000 because they claim she did not fulfill the "reasonable promotion and publicity" part of her agreement.' [OK!]
Presidential candidate Paris Hilton, who has tried, and failed, to attach herself to nightclubs before, is said to be eying her own venue in Las Vegas. If suspicious reports are to be believed, the only reason she isn't sharing more about her plans is because the venue isn't trademarked yet. Actually, we just checked with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, and Shitty Overpriced Nightclub That Will Close Within a Year(tm) is still available.
The spoof ad that Paris Hilton released yesterday, in response to John McCain's comparing the heiress to Barack Obama, was covered far and wide on the blogs. Oh, and on television too! Even Living Lohan viewer Anderson Cooper was on the ball, sharing the spot on CNN (shown here) and ending the segment with, "Paris Hilton, front and center in the Presidential campaign – who woulda thunk-it?" Funny, coming from Mr. Cooper: CONTINUED »
"Miss Hilton was neither asked, nor did she give permission, for the use of her likeness in the ad, and has no further comment," Paris Hilton's rep said in a statement last week.
This week? She has further comment.
(And meanwhile, it wasn't McCain who first compared Obama to Hilton. It was Obama himself, in a 2005 WaPo article.)
Rich white man fight!
Just one day after releasing an attack ad that equates Barack Obama with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears – thus calling the Democratic nominee a vapid celebrity – John McCain has been apprised of the news that Rick Hilton, Paris’ father, is a big donor to his campaign.
Here we go! The latest and greatest Obama attack ad out of John McCain’s camp not only juxtaposes the Democratic nominee with wearying tarts Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, it also resorts to one of the oldest scare tactics in the book: reminding everyone that Obama wants to raise taxes (possibly to fund his wife’s Black Panther arsenal? Nobody knows!).
It’s still only July, kids.
This list of all of Paris Hilton's lies is amusing because, though it chronicles a number of her fibs, it is far from a comprehensive account of all her tall tales. But there is only so much column space in a newspaper gossip column.
Editorial Director
