• Katherine Heigl bans "giggling girls" from her musician fiancé's tour bus. In response, Heigl's fiancé bans "creepy chants of 'Bethany Whisper," and gaggles of much-more-attractive men who would give anything to sleep with his future wife.
• Frank Bruni conducts restaurant reviews under the name "Dirk McKenzie." Related: Bruni blasted for being lousy notetaker, praised for making it through a meal at Per Se without throwing up in the dining room.
• Nicky Hilton and Stavros Niarchos visit Paris in jail, prompting "one upset mother" to proclaim, "We don't care about no Paris Hilton." Our sentiments exactly!
• A steamy new tell-all has the inside scoop on the time Madonna and JFK, Jr. didn't sleep together. "She asked him if he had any protection. He didn't, so now they began discussing how they were going to get a hold of a prophylactic." Erotic!
• Eddie Murphy to find out whether or not he fathered Scary Spice's baby. Related: Melanie B.'s newborn said to have hilarious "Alfalfa" impression.
• Clay Aiken's fans are reportedly on a mission to become "even creepier" than Aiken himself.
So we you know you're all pretty sick of the whole ParisExposed thing by now, but in case you've been under a rock for the past week, here's a quick recap.
Apparently, Hotel heiress Paris Hilton didn't have enough room in her giant mansion for all her illegal crap, incriminating photographs, and top-secret medical records. So natch, she put it all in a super safe storage locker and threw away the key.
Unfortunately, Paris (or whoever she hired to take care of that pesky inconveniance known as "bills,") forgot to pay the paltry storage fee, and her private goods went up for sale.
A pervy entrepreneur promptly swooped them up at the bargain rate of $10 million, and now all it takes is a click of the mouse to see Paris smoking a tampon, fighting off herpes and getting groped by Jumpin' Joe Francis.
Paris, however, was none too pleased, so she's decided to sue the founders of ParisExposed.com for invading her privacy and showing people her vag without her express written consent.
And amidst all this, however, new embarrassing stuff continues to pop up and show Paris Hilton to be even dumber than previously thought possible.
Hear about Paris' drugtastic trip to Holland after the jump.
CONTINUED »
We'd like to take a minute out of your afternoon to talk about a man named Scott Storch. Storch is a hotshot producer, a terrible dresser, and the would-be romancer of Miss Lindsay "Rehab" Lohan.
He's the man who brought you Chris Brown's "Run It," and Beyonce's "Baby Boy," the man who's bright orange shades match the bright orange curtains, the man whose own production company it embarrassingly titled "Tuff Jew Productions," and the man for whom color-blindness has never proven an impediment.
Alas, Scott Storch apparently has no game.
Sure, he's banged L'il Kim and Paris Hilton in the past, but seriously, who hasn't? More recently, he very publicly failed to seal the deal with Lohan despite reportedly shelling out for $1 million in jewelry, and then—if that wasn't embarrassing enough—suffered the indignity of losing her to "Girls Gone Wild" perv Joe Francis.
And now, it's being reported that Storch was stood up by his celebutante pals at his very own birthday bash:
SCOTT Storch is a hot record producer, but some of his lady friends are cold. Storch had a birthday party for himself last month in Miami at the nightclub Mansion. A friend tells us, "He's upset that none of his famous female friends - Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears - bothered to show up. And he even gave Lindsay $1 million in diamonds over New Year's! Kelly Rowland was supposed to come and sing a special 'Happy Birthday' to him and she was a no-show, too." A rep for Storch said, "Scott was not upset at all - he had Derek Jeter and Ludacris there, and a naked girl even popped out of the cake."
More Scott Storch douchebaggery after the jump.
CONTINUED »
In an astonishing display of marketing genius, a promoter for tonight's Pink concert is capitalizing on the same punchline Amy Poehler did for a Weekend Update segment: public displays of Hollywood's most private parts.
The concert, backed by Ford Motor Co., will broadcast live on MSN Music's website tonight and feature banner ads placed side-by-side with photos of exposed celeb genetalia. Featured vaginas are said to include Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and the ever-modest Britney Spears.
As you might imagine, Ford isn't pleased to be attached to images of genital lips waving about, and the car company promptly issued a statement denying any affiliation to the campaign and that they're going to "investigat[e] the situation" more thoroughly.
A Ford spokesperson stated, "Ford knew nothing about this. We would never be involved in this kind of activity."
When asked to comment, Paris Hilton's vagina informed us that she was "temporarily indisposed."
• Pete Townshend, in all his senior citizen glory, is still landing in the gossip pages. Which makes him, more or less, our idol. [Page Six]
• How on Earth did the terribly shy, secluded, modest Paris Hilton ever get up the courage to record an album? [Jam!]
• Did you catch the "Manhattan-hedge" miracle this weekend? No? Well, you can go back to living your life, knowing you are not a complete loser. [NYDN]
• Stop the presses! Stop the presses! Russell Crowe did something that doesn't reflect him being a brutish asshole! [Page Six]
• Y'know Slate's right. Gossip is like a drug that's impossible to quit. What other possible explanation would we have for working on Memorial Day? [Slate]
