• American Idol judge Paula Abdul slips, falls flat on her face and breaks her schnozz. Before you laugh, remeber: this could happen to you. Or at least to those of you who imbibe.
• Bill Maher to homosexuals: "Forget civil rights, just make gayness a religion. I mean, you're kneeling anyway."
• Al Gore is, was and always will be sexy. (And boring).
• Fugs & Jugs are back on again! Apparently she missed his shaggy hair and maudlin guitar music while he couldn't stay away from her giant flotation devices.
• CNN: "New pill aims to stop women's periods." Which would kind of put a damper on that whole sexual reproduction thing.
Don't you just hate it when you're at the airport, minding your own business and politely trying to claw, bite and shove your way to the front of the boarding line when—suddenly—the obnoxious stewardess has the audacity to tell you that, "young children, people with disabilities and the elderly" need to board the plane first?
Well, that's exactly what happened to washed-up pop star (and over-medicated American Idol judge) Paula Abdul, on a recent Southwest Airlines flight from San Jose to Burbank, California.
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Please, for some reason, tell us you've read this interview with Paula Abdul in the latest issue of TV Guide. And please, don't be embarrassed to admit you were reading "The Guide, "there are plenty of acceptable rationalizations for such behavior. (Examples: "Oh, I was flipping through it at the doctor's office!" or "Right, I was just glancing at a copy that some previous straphanger must've discarded on the L-train." Etc.)
Anyhow, in this article, Paula talks about her relationship with Simon, making sure to mention that in spite of all appearances, the two are actually very close friends. She's also careful to make note of their brother-sister rapport, because it makes their awkward on-air bickering seem impish and cute rather than immature and staged!
"In the middle of me trying to figure out how I'm going to say something that gives someone dignity walking off that stage, I've got the antagonistic brother goofing on me, trying to throw me off," she says in the interview.
• Britney Spears isn't a productive enough member of society to warrant a free handbag…sniffs half-naked philanthropist Lydia Hearst.
• President Bush isn't so good with remembering Valentine's Day. You know what else he's less than stellar at? Running our country.
• Bill Cosby's pooch loses out to an English springer spaniel for "Best in Show." Bitch.
• Kenny Chesney gets excited just thinking about Marisa Miller all the beautiful men Marisa Miller has undoubtedly slept with.
• Really? Paula Abdul has never, ever been drunk? Either way, she's not our #1 choice for Designated Driver.
• Britney Spears proudly brandishes the Star of David, which sends the message, "Yeah, I'm banging a Chosen Person."
• Producers of American Idol confirm that while Courtney Love is, indeed, a trainwreck, they're not looking to replace their resident wino.
• Paris Hilton tries to win back the adoration of the paparazzi by writing a 2-line apology for blowing past them in a drunken rage.
• Meanwhile, a video emerges of Nicole Richie licking a suspicious, powdery-looking substance while Paris screams, "duh, you're supposed to fucking snort it!"
• Victoria Beckham to design clothes for the "healthy, full-figured woman" she has no intention of ever becoming.
• Yep, just about everyone agrees that this small, polar bear/dog does a great Jenna Jameson impression.
Devoted American Idol fans will undoubtedly flip over rumors that Fox is looking to maintain its three judge format, while replacing its entertainingly drunk judge, Paula Abdul.
And as if that wasn't enough, there are already whispers regarding candidates lined up as potential replacements.
One of these far more presentable ladies is none other than Courtney Love herself, who recently grabbed headlines for her New Year's resolutions (sample: "sell the pony;" "stay pissed at the world"), her failure at online dating and the newly released details of her heroin-induced birth.
Here's the full report:
Courtney Love tells Usmagazine.com exclusively that American Idol wants her!
Love reveals to her favorite magazine Web site that Idol's executive producer Nigel Lythgoe called her office last week inquiring into whether she would be interested in sitting in as a judge on the hit FOX show.
"He called," Love tells Usmagazine.com. "He was wondering if I was interested. I thought it was kind of weird but brilliant."
Clearly, we think Love would be the only practical choice, seeing as her consummate professionalism and recent drug history dictates a strict adherence to amphetamines and other so-called uppers, rather than Paula's continued reliance on Debbie Downer type substances, such as alcohol and painkillers.
So Courtney—best of luck to you in the auditions, and remember: Simon's the asshole, Randy's the sometimes-fat one and you're the one who's so drugged up you don't even realize how badly all of the contestants suck.
• Barack Obama delights every Democrat (other than Hillary Clinton) by officially announcing his presidential bid.
• Izzy's pissed at Dr. Burke for continuing to make fun of Georgie; meanwhile, self-obsessed Meredith is too busy disappearing before our very eyes to even notice.
• Future Scientologist David Beckham to cash in on his good looks with an acting career. "Attaboy!" says Beckham's handsome (and Oscar-less) bestie, Tom Cruise.
• Britney Spears may be withholding pics of her son so she can sell them for enough money to cover K-Fed's alimony checks.
• Trump gets a star on the indiscriminate Hollywood Walk of Fame; Rosie O'Donnell already 'stepping in dog poo' in preparation.
• Check out the Worst-Ever Golden Globes fashion trainwrecks. Leading the way? Paula Abdul, of course!
American Idol premieres tonight, and it's time once again to be reminded of all the poor, misguided fools who only think they have real talent. And, as always, as we look forward to a new season of tone-deaf nitwits, drunk hosts and snotty British quips, we're forever reminded of the Idol stars who will forever live on in our hearts.
After all, who could forget the off-key (yet lovable) William Hung, who became a cult-favorite for his tuneless rendition of the Ricky Martin classic, "She Bangs?" Or how about Katharine McPhee's top-secret, highly publicized struggle with bulimia? What of Carrie Underwood, the Idol winner who's best known for being NFL star Tony Romo's jock supporter? And, of course, there was the outcry over the Reuben vs. Clay finale (which, ironically, didn't matter anyway as neither one went on to achieve any sort of greatness.)
And, more recently, in all the hype surrounding the new season, let us not forget the main characters: the judges. Paula, with her usual effervescence, delivered a slurred, incoherent but nonetheless energetic sound byte about the intoxicating season-opener. And Randy, with his street-chic eloquence, continues to be irritatingly neutral on all issues not pertaining to Famous People Randy Jackson Knows. But it was Simon who won us over this time, when he generously—and with his characteristic humility—praised Kelly Clarkson as being way better than that artsy Bob Dylan character.
We'll be watching tonight, oh yes, we'll be watching. Because in only a short matter of time, the nobodies of today will soon be well on their way to becoming the has-beens of tomorrow.
• A boozy Paula Abdul teaches us all an important lesson about the dangers of interviewing while intoxicated.
• No doubt Gwen Stefani isn't thrilled about these un-Photoshopped pics of her circulating the web.
• The next time you fall down and break your hip, get your lazy ass up and start running a 5K.
• Not one month after Vanessa Minnillo drops the F-bomb on-air and there's already talk of TRL being cancelled. Ho-hum.
• Dame Helen Mirren rushed through her interviews on Friday so she could have more time to booze it up;. "Drinking after the interviews," mused Paula Abdul. "Wow, what a concept!"
• Congratulations to Cord on a successful first day of splaying celebrities over at sister-site, Mollygood.
• Even Kanye West gets in trouble for delinquent car payments. See what happens when you spend all your time with Tom Cruise? You think you can just Scientology your way out of everything. [Billboard]
• Chris Daughtry's exit from American Idol drove even Paula Abdul to tears. That and the pain medication. [NYP]
• And in other ex-reality TV star news, Jasmie Trias is hanging out with juvenile delinquents to give her an edgier feel. We hear radio DJs are pretty bad ass these days … [MTV]
• Snoop learns that it's not ok to beat up cops — even if they're British. [Hip Hop Game]
• More undeniable proof that Keith Richards will indeed live longer than the rest of us. [NME]
Hello, friends, and welcome to these week's tasty buffet of Cable Quotables. Today we have the always intriguing Tuker Carlson fantasy, and somebody who for some unbeknownst reason does not want to spank Anderson Cooper. Intern Wendy tore herself away from writing love letters to Wolf Blitzer just long enough to catch the rest of the talking heads making sense out of our complicated world.
• "Caught by Cosby — a shocking videotape inside a McDonald's. You can call the perpetrator a hamburgler?" — Rita Cosby, hoping to catch Ronald McDonald doing a perp walk, Live and Direct, April 27
• "She is the sexy librarian. Like at first, you don't really get it. She's just like Mrs. Johnson from next door. You know, Timmy's mom? But the deeper you look, the cuter she is." — Tucker Carlson, fantasizing about the lady in the Ditech ads, The Situation, April 27
• "I suddenly feel, in looking at this story, like I'm at the International House of Pancakes as a 10-year-old, and I've got one of those place mats that have all the little numbers that you connect, literally 30 or 40 dots that you are connecting here, and finally they make somebody's face." — Keith Olbermann, Countdown, April 28
• "I would catch you, too, but I'm not going to spank you." — Erica Hill talking nonsence to Anderson Cooper, Anderson Cooper 360, April 28
• "I mean, tell me, is Paula Abdul a little more than a potted plant?" — Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, May 2
• "And I have to ask this. How do you go to the bathroom? How do you get food?" — Rita Cosby grills David Blaine, Live and Direct, May 3
• "I totally — oh I've eaten like 19 pounds of it … Silly putty's not bad either actually. Glow in the dark's the best." — Tucker Carlson, loves him some Play-Doh, The Situation, May 3
• Is Leslie Sloan crazy? We wish somebody would offer to take Britney Spears off our hands. [Lowdown]
• Meanwhile, Brit struggles to finds someone to take over her pesky New York apartment. [NYO]
• We pity the fool who decides to take advice from Mr. T. [MSNBC]
• Thank god we don't have to pretend to be good citizens by watching Geena Davis on TV anymore. [CNN]
• Teri Hatcher should consider her hot minute with Ryan Seacrest a blessing — Oprah talks always help book sales. [Us]
• Paula Abdul stopped her drunken crying to have a truly delusional moment. She announced that Simon Cowell wants to marry her. [MSNBC]
• David Lee Roth's radio show is dunzo. Like the rest of us, AP is not surprised. [AP]
• Oh, boy. This little kid is gonna' get his ass kicked in school tomorrow for sure. [Gothamist]
• Paula Abdul feels the need to hug the paparazzi — that vodka and pills combo works wonders [TMZ]
• We read this in the magazine Bonnie Fuller gave us yesterday … so sorry, no link. But every time we get a crush, that cunt Kirsten Dunst snatches him away! She's dating Andy Samberg now? [Star]
• Fo shizzle, Snoop Dogg wrizote a bizook. [Book Standard]
• Nick Lachey would have rather walked in on Jessica Simpson banging the entire cast of Jackass than have found out about his divorce through a messenger. Granted, it would have been a lot easier to get all of her money that way. [People]
• Kanye West was happy to give his music to Mission Impossible: 3 and would like to work with Michael Jackson in the near future. Proving that he either doesn't care about what people think, is completely oblivious, or is a secret freak. [MTV]
• Of course Salt N' Peppa made the list of the ten best female rappers. God knows you can't get through a week without singing "Shoop" at a bar. [IGN]
• Why does everyone love American Idol so much? No one knows exactly, but for us it's being able to watch Paula Abdul spiral closer and closer towards insanity every week. [LAT]
• Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels are expecting twins, and this time decided not to use aging rocker David Crosby's cup-o-giz. Perhaps they finally decided to look at the included photo? [Gatecrasher]
• James Frey donates his own books, not money, for a good cause. [P6]
• As Perez Hilton explains it, the Lindsay Lohan v. Jessica Simpson spat began as any catfight does: hairdressers and stylists. [Perez Hilton]
• It was always coming to this: Michael Jackson will unload part of his Beatles catalog to Sony to avoid bankruptcy. Well, at least at some point in the future. [NYT]
• Paula Abdul got tossed out of L.A.'s Xenii not because of a fight, but because her ass was druuunk. [P6]
• CBS prez Bob Schieffer and Katie Couric take their love affair to Michael's, complete with wrist corsage. [Lowdown]
• Congrats to Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard on their shotgun engagement. [Star]
• Meanwhile, Chad Michael Murray's new fiance isn't pregnant, and they're getting married anyhow. [People]
• West Wing creator Andrew Sorkin snags a starring role in a call girl's tell-all. [P6]
• Madonna has lots of needs for her upcoming tour, including free tickets for her broke ass celebrity friends. [R&M]
• Paula Abdul wasn't just drunk on American Idol this week, she got some painkillers to boot. We look forward to that particular brand of Paula crazy. [MSNBC]
• The Rolling Stones aren't angry that they are being censored for an upcoming show in China. Nobody can understand what the fuck Mick Jagger is singing under all that huffing anyway. [AP]
• Nigel Lythgoe, executive producer of American Idol, passes Lindsay Lohan's age-old wisdom on to the Idol contestants — breathe. Yay, group tattoo field trip! [MTV]
• The Sufjan Stevens/Rosie Thomas baby was just a prank on Pitchfork Media. Of course a former employer of Nick Sylvester wouldn't bother to fact check their news. [Pitchfork Media]
Simon Cowell isn't the only one a little annoyed with Paula Abdul's antics lately. At 9 p.m. on Tuesday night, Paula entered a Hollywood police station to fill out a report involving an incident at a party at 1 a.m on April 2.
According to Us Weekly Abdul's former CAA agent, Jim Lefkowitz, put her ex-boyfriend Dante Spencer in the hospital.
Lefkowitz took offense to Abdul’s “smirky attitude,†and after a heated discussion, the agent “accidentally-on-purpose bumped into her†so hard that Abdul ended up sprawled on the floor. Spencer then rushed to Abdul’s defense and punched Lefkowitz in the face, our witness says.
Abdul was then taken home, where she complained of pain in her lower back and a possible concussion. We're sure it's nothing a few rum and cokes can't cure. Who knows, maybe a brain injury will actually fix her head?
Paula Abdul Files Police Report Citing Harrassment [Us Weekly]
Those America's Next Top Model kids are flippin' hilarious. When Intern Molly sat down with seven hours of TiVo this week, she had no idea what she had coming to her. The fact that The Apprentice contestants and Top Chef folks act dumber than the 8th&Ocean cast really really scares us, but we guess that just goes to show that this Reality TV thing really is kind of catchy.
Oh, yes, and of course we have more proof of Paula Abdul's "craziness" (otherwise known to our readers as "drunkenness"). So grab a coke glass, fill it with rum, and get ready for girl showers, cat fights, and the odd smells coming from Brent. But don't forget the sweetest bites … after the jump.
10. "Furonda looks like a squashed bug under a petri dish"—Nigel Barker
"A pastry dish?"—Miss J, ANTM
9. "What I love about this Taylor, is that someone should be shooting this and making an exercise video out of it."—Paula, AI
8. "My skin is just as good as your skin."—Sabrina
"We're not the same. Okay. Get it straight."—Kelly, 8th & Ocean
7. "I don't think Andrea's an expert in graphics design. The only thing I think Andrea's an expert in is being an asshole, and Andrea, you might be joining Tammy in a taxi cab, and I hope you both have a good time smelling each other's crap because you both stink!"—Brent, Apprentice
6. "If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, it is probably best to remove yourself." (Sure that's how that phrase goes.) —Steven , Top Chef
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• During a meeting, Pete Doherty offered an interviewer his heroin and ecstasy. But not crack. Selfish bastard. [Page Six]
• MSNSpaces is sort of like MySpace. Only with way fewer members, which means less camera in the mirror photos. [DMN]
• Oh, it's Simon Cowell that makes Paula Abdul crazy, not her cocktail shaken with Vicodin. Our bad. [The Scoop]
• A record company is taking Aaron Carter to court, claiming that he had no right to go back on his recording contract. Frankly, if this means he won't release any more albums, we're sort of on Aaron's side. [TMZ]
• Uh, it was actually possible for Prince to get crazier. Purple stripes, purple carpet, and a beauty salon? He totally should do some decorating for NYU. [TSG]
• The Hilton sisters are getting more ridiculous than ever thought possible. We just hope these Paris and Nicky cartoons aren't being aimed towards kids. [Sun]
• They came, they ran, they almost killed a reporter … who doesn't love circus elephant day in Midtown? [Gothamist]
• Nicole Richie hits on somebody her own size. [People]
• According to MSNBC, Paula Abdul, like most American Idol fans, is a fucking idiot. Come on, she's not that stupid, she's just drunk. [MSNBC]
• You will soon here the cries of Yonkers residents crying "the hipsters are coming, the hipsters are coming." [Curbed]
Editorial Director
