• Britney Spears foolishly squanders an opportunity to record a duet with her all too sympathetic ex, Justin Timberlake. Or, as Yeeeah puts it, "Justin Timberlake Tries To Ruin Career; Fails."

• Pee-Wee Herman (a.k.a. Paul Reubens) returns to television in the role of a "traveling homeopathic antidepressant representative/salesman." Which "beats" jacking off at a porno theater any day.

• That Pete Doherty is such a drug-addled mess, even his frickin' cat is hooked on heroin.

• Ever wished for the magical ability to turn everything you touch into crappy artificially fruit-flavored candy? No? Well, don't.

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