"Is your child slightly chubby and sexually ambiguous?" asks Mollygood. "Then Elle Girl has a wonderful idea for a Halloween costume!"
How? It's easy!
Simply buy the kid a garish blue wig, a Tealuxe coffee cup and a pair of too-tight pants, a giant felt-tipped marker for making astute social commentary, give him a brief tutorial in copyright law and how not to abide by it, and then mock said child relentlessly until he/she overcompensates (for the years of fat jokes and social pariahdom) by slinging unfiltered verbal abuse at celebrities, in effect rejecting them before they can—and inevitably will—reject him first.
Oh, and parents—don't forget the trick-or-treat bucket that's shaped like a laptop! (Portable soul extraction kit sold separately). [ElleGirl]
Breaking: Fatty gossip blogger sued by struggling music label for posting leaked audio from pop star has-been…all as part of giant publicity stunt and transparent attempt at boosting record sales. [Yahoo]
Did you hear? Perez Hilton posted a picture of himself sporting a black eye for no reason whatsoever! Naturally, the unexplained shiner resulted in a PH commenting frenzy! Below follows a collection of the most entertaining responses. NOTE: We're especially fond of the last commenter.
• Some variation of "OMG, what happened to your face?" — (Commenters 1-78)
• "Holy shit someone gave you what you deserved then?" –buffles (#78)
• "That black eye is the best thing that ever happened to you. It takes attention away from your face and body…" –hooray (#164)
• "BTW, the black eye works well on you - it distracts from your multiple chins." — IWishId'aHitHim (#177)
And that's not all.
If it seems as though practically everyone has their own reality show these days, it's probably because they do. Nowadays, reality show contestants are from all walks of life, from the snotty over-privileged walking rhinoplasties on The Hills, to the bisexual MySpace phenomenon Tila Tequila to the morbidly obese Queen of Mean (and Whiz Of Microsoft Paint!) Perez Hilton, seemingly interconnected only by means of their below-average intelligence quotient and above-average interest in becoming reality trainwrecks.
Which is why we're annoyed, but not exactly surprised, to hear that Chris Crocker (a.k.a. the screaming, crying, guyliner-wearing, self-appointed defender of Britney) has already inked a development deal with 44 Blue Prods.
"Chris first got on our radar a year ago," said 44 Blue prexy/co-founder Rasha Drachkovitch, who said he wants to develop a show that plays to Crocker's strengths.
And by "strengths" Drachkovitch presumably means "spontaneously weeping, stunted emotional development and overabundance of mascara."
I was one of the first to use the blog format to discuss celebrity news. Later, all these celebrity blogs started popping up, so I said to myself, 'I have to put my own stamp on this…I want to be the gay, Latino Oprah and live up to my nickname, Queen of All Media. But in order to that, I've had to be proactive.
Do I feel sorry when paparazzi are taking pictures of her [Britney Spears] with no panties on, exposing her cucaracha, though? No way! Wear underwear, I've never regretted a posting and I don't have trouble sleeping at night.
–Perez Hilton (real name, Mario Lavandeira) innovator and coiner of the term "shiteous" opens up in the September issue of Latina magazine
• At least Matt Damon won't forget where he lives.
• If Perez Hilton and Roseanne got into a fight, we put our money on Roseanne. You know, because she has a shotgun.
• This Texas man is redefining the phrase "cheap-ass motherfucker."
• Looks like cancer and a fever won't stop Pavarotti from blessing us with his beautiful voice.
• The reason you gained 40 lbs this year has nothing to do with your nasty Chipotle habit. Its that pesky "fat hormone." And your fat friend's fault.
• Pete Wentz and his unknown guest graciously smile for the cameras.
• Meanwhile, for once we actually agree with Perez. The most poignant way to describe Avril Lavigne is, in fact, by scrawling "SUX" over her face with a giant white sharpie.
• Never underestimate the brazen self-confidence of an overweight, SCRAM-wearing SNL alumnus.
• A movie adaptation of annoying late-90's catch-phrase "He's just not that into you?" We're just not that into it.
• Tyra Banks donates $2300 to someone other than Tyra Banks. Now that's fierce.
• Kate Walsh buys $4.5 million mansion for herself and her fiancé (and boyfriend of three months) which will be worth approximately $2.75 million after the inevitable quickie-divorce settlement.
• A furtive Ashlee Simpson hides her penchant for KY jelly from her pervy dad-slash-manager.
In the coming months America is going to be supersaturated with the self-deprecating self-proclaimed "Queen of All Media," Perez Hilton. In addition to the premiere of his half-hour PR blitz What Perez Sez on VH1, the gossip blogger is also said to be making an appearance on MTV's new show Rappin' With the Stars. Herewith, Intern Joe imagines what type of lines Perez is gonna spit. CONTINUED »
In addition to scrawling witticisms like "SAD," "DUI" and "GOT COKE?" atop pirated photos of unsuspecting celebrities, the self-proclaimed "Queen of Media" Perez Hilton (real name Mario Lavandeira) has also kept busy getting profiled by the New York Times, shooting a new VH1 show and, apparently, penning syntactically awkward sociological pieces for the esteemed Mirror (U.K.)
In this sloppily written article, Perez's insights range from the obvious ("Li-Lo's been wearing an alcohol detection tag on her ankle - she wants to look like she's changed but clearly she hasn't") to the just plain wrong ("The people around her say she regularly gets high and strips off. Why does she do these things? I'm guessing it's boredom.")
Yeah, we're guessing it's not—although admittedly we don't know exactly what "strips off" actually means (is it some bizarre combination of "stripping" and then "storming off?")
Behold, Lavandeira Inc.:
Mr. Lavandeira has shrugged off questions about his wealth, but he has made enough to leave the Sunset Boulevard coffeehouse that was once his office and now produces the site from a rented two-bedroom apartment in a gated community. He is also transforming Perezhilton.com into a family enterprise. He recently hired his 23-year-old sister, Barbara, as his first assistant. His mom, Teresita, 53, is also moving from Miami to help out.
One day, Mario will tell his "three to four children … some adopted and some biological" about the good old days, when he walked uphill, both ways, to The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. [NYT]
• In the words of an eight year old girl who's all kinds of fucked up, "I'd rather have breast milk, than a million melons."
• OK, seriously, this is the last Paris spoof video we're ever posting.
• CSI star Shemar Moore denies that he was on a gay beach, but embraces rumors regarding his ginormous penis.
• If you weren't already completely repulsed by Perez Hilton, this definitely ought to do it.
• This is what really happens to prison inmates who accidentally "drop the soap."
About that libel lawsuit DJ Samantha Ronson filed against Jill Ishkanian's CelebrityBabylon.com and PerezHilton.com based on their claims that the coke found in sometime-lover Lindsay Lohan's car during "that accident" was Ronson's: We hear the accused parties have yet to be served with legal papers of any kind. We asked Ishkanian to elaborate, and received a "no comment."
Oh please, let this be a sneak peek at what's to come from What Perez Sez.
Or at least an excuse for the blogger's vicious comments to form punchlines involving the words "beached" and "whale."
[Image: Buzzfoto]
• Jack Nicholson continues to live the dream. Assuming "the dream" is sitting on a boat, with your gut hanging out, while stuffing your face with pizza.
• More trampy girls make videos about presidential candidates they know anything about.
• Nope, Brandon Davis isn't dead—just sweaty and disgusting.
• Michael Richards enjoys the company of Maddox's lost family, far away from those tacky N-word people.
• Turns out Perez has a raging case of repressed fat guy anger.
• Ever dream about living next door to Diana Ross? For $39.5 million, Mel Gibson can make it happen.
• Condoms…they never worked so well.
Just the other day, we were sitting back on our couch, watching the tube and thinking to ourselves how there should be more shows starring pudgy social-climbers who refer to themselves in the third-person and make a living scrawling witticisms like "gonna vomit" and "waiting for rehab" and "poo" over pictures of C-list celebrities.
Which is why we were thrilled to learn that those mind-readers over at VH1 have made our wildest dreams come true, greenlighting a new tv show starring everyone's some people's favorite wannabe celeb, Perez Hilton.
Editorial Director
