There's nothing worse than waking up one morning and suddenly finding out that you're dating a Shrewish American Princess, or as we like to call them, SAP's. These overly possessive, shrill-voiced creatures are precisely the sort of vaginally insecure types who bitch and moan every single time you talk to—or, God forbid, look at—another girl, never mind if it's only the pear-shaped barista at Starbucks and your entire conversation consisted of the words "Double grande no-fat latte."
And naturally, despite giving you death-glares every time you come within a 10-foot vicinity of another female and smothering you with their clinginess, they burst into tears whenever you inevitably break down and say you need a night out "with the guys." Go figure!
Anyhow, we were literally expounding about our feelings towards SAP's when we happened to come across this report about Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, a.k.a. the most annoyingest couple in music/lip syncing history.
• Pete Wentz and his unknown guest graciously smile for the cameras.
• Meanwhile, for once we actually agree with Perez. The most poignant way to describe Avril Lavigne is, in fact, by scrawling "SUX" over her face with a giant white sharpie.
• Never underestimate the brazen self-confidence of an overweight, SCRAM-wearing SNL alumnus.
• A movie adaptation of annoying late-90's catch-phrase "He's just not that into you?" We're just not that into it.
• Tyra Banks donates $2300 to someone other than Tyra Banks. Now that's fierce.
• Kate Walsh buys $4.5 million mansion for herself and her fiancé (and boyfriend of three months) which will be worth approximately $2.75 million after the inevitable quickie-divorce settlement.
• A furtive Ashlee Simpson hides her penchant for KY jelly from her pervy dad-slash-manager.
Sadly – or not – Nancy Jo Sales' extensive (some might say exhaustive) look inside the world of the Cisco Adlers, Pete Wentzs, and Stavros Niarchos of the world isn't available on VF.com, although a video add-on is. Which means you're going to have to haul the double-pounder September Vanity Fair from the newsstand to your reading room (oh, you don't have one?) to read "I'm With Her," where Sales trips through Hyde and LAX taling "the boys who love the girls who love the spotlight."
From Cisco's low-hangers to Joel Madden's spermination of Nicole Richie (the official acknowledgment came too late for press time), Nancy Jo's basic argument is this: These "It" couples aren't made of love, but business prowess. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz make for a paparazzi-laden opening of his Angels & Kings clubs while also delivering cross-over appeal with their fanbases. Thanks to his engagement to Nicole Richie, mostly average DJ AM can command five-figure fees to spin from L.A. to the East End. Harry Morton's Pink Taco restaurant blew up only when Lindsay Lohan latched on to his arm. And so on.
Really, though, the article is most useful as an expose into how Vanity Fair plays the celebrity game while also reporting on the game of celebrity. And with the accompanying diagram, it's also a look into what keeps the art department at their desks late into the night.
• New, wholly unnecessary installment of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, to star chubby no-name comedian. Alllllllright then!
• Brawl at Les Deux leaves one person weave-less, everyone else laughing uncontrollably.
• Pete Wentz continues to play off his gay fans.
• It must be nice not relying on the sketchy deli/bodega next door for your daily nutritional lunch.
• If you'd told us yesterday that Mariah Carey's ass was hotter than Mandy Moore's, we'd have called you a liar and then laughed uncontrollably. Oh, what a difference a day makes…
• As though wearing creepy, couple-coordinated outfits weren't enough, David and Victoria Beckham also have the audacity to dress their children in matching rugby shirts.
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz confuse crazy hats with street cred.
• At what point did it officially become physically impossible to perform on So You Think You Can Dance without lip syncing?
• Yep, just another proud moment for Gwen Stefani and her less famous husband.
• With one simple, heartfelt gesture, Jason Davis singlehandedly restores oil family's good name.
• If you've never perused the creepy gay personals, then brother, you haven't lived.
• Pete Wentz defends girlfriend Ashlee Simpson's honor by smashing a bottle over some dude's head. Sorry ladies, this one's taken!
• Liev Schrieber ignores the implicit "No Smoking" sign hanging over his wife Naomi Watts' pregnant belly.
• It turns out that black women sometimes get abducted, too. It's just that nobody bothers reporting it.
• Pete Wentz celebrated his 28th birthday by having gross bar bathroom sex with Ashlee Simpson. Cheers!
• After Paris Hilton's grueling 5-minute incarceration, Nicole Richie starts preparing for her mugshot.
• Which daytime goddess is a fatty in denial?
• Jay McInerney broke his foot running to hail a cab outside the Waverly Inn. Which is so much cooler than having your foot run over by a produce truck…Jill Abramson!
• Ever wanted to see shitty video footage of Justin Timberlake dissing Britney Spears live in concert? Now's your chance!
• Teen hip-hop artist Chris Brown has expressed his desire to collaborate with Michael Jackson. For his part, Jackson says he has never had any objection to working long hours in tight quarters with pubescent boys.
Earlier, we told you that Pete Wentz accidentally made it onto People's "50 Most Beautiful People" list. And while we tried to give Pete the old benefit of the doubt (he does have really pretty, um, lipstick?) this video has us even more confused than ever.
"I don't know, sometimes I just decide not to wear eyeliner," says the effeminate, skinny jeans-wearing musician. "And then it bothers people when I don't, and it bothers people when I do."
What's an androgynous emo guitarist to do??
The best part, however, is when Pete gives us (the viewer!) a step-by-step lesson in applying "guyliner," a look the Fall Out Boy seems to have mastered after years of raiding his mother's makeup drawer. The most important step, according to Pete, is to "smear it."
Which makes the use of feminine cosmetics products seem so much more manly, somehow.
[via IDLYITW]
• Pete Wentz penchant for eyeliner, women's jeans earns him a spot in People's 50 Most Beautiful People. [via BWE]
• Reality show maven Mark Burnett is scouring MySpace in an effort to find the next Amanda Congdon.
• Gay detectives race to dispel rumors that Anderson Cooper is a never-nude.
• Harper's Bazaar versus Vogue is no contest. Vogue, the thicker and denser of the two, easily wins the "when dropped by a 6 foot model onto one's head" competition.
• Meanwhile, black families everywhere were devastated to learn that they will no longer have a channel named after them.
• Four out of five red-blooded American men would risk jail-time to bang Miss America…aged 14.
• Reason #312** why Virgie Arthur should not get custody of Dannielynn: She had a baby. With her stepbrother. Cher Horowitz would sooo not approve.
• Jessica Alba, looking tranny-chic.
• Pete Wentz wears designer womens' jeans, screws Ashlee Simpson and makes out with men. Which makes sense, considering he's obsessed with Wacko Jacko.
• Paris Hilton is back behind the wheel. At least until her next DUI.
• Coming soon: Spider-Man: The Broadway Musical! And here we thought we had to go to the ballet to see men in tights.
**For the record, reasons 1-311 were all variations of "because she's the one who raised Anna Nicole Smith."
• Lindsay Lohan pulls an accidental Lizzie Grubman, backs her gigantic car over an opportunistic shutterbug who you just know has "1-800-I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T" on his speed dial.
• Jennifer Aniston contemplates a return to NYC. Now, who wants to gently break the news that "Central Perk" doesn't actually exist?
• Second-tier fashion designer Anand Jon has been arrested/charged with rape. Marc Jacobs would care, but he's too busy rehabbing with much more famous and important people.
• Sarah Jessica Parker's new fashion line will be cheaper than H&M! Guess it wasn't Olsen-inspired after all…
• Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson continue to sleep together without ever actually dating.
• Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson loves dogs so much she wants to adopt a child. Wait, what?
Well, with all the break-ups, cheating fiascos and new couple alerts this week, you're probably having a tough time keeping it all straight. So let us try and help clear things up with a quick recap.
Less than a week after his wife told Page Six she was divorcing him, Marilyn Manson and almost-underage Evan Rachel Wood are already making dark and disturbing music together, while DJ A.M. proves he doesn't have an "anorexia" fetish by dating the lovely (and healthy) Mandy Moore. Meanwhile, Claire Danes cheated on her boyfriend of three years with a gay guy, Scarlett Jo nailed Justin Timberlake while filming his next music video, and Drew Barrymore and Fabrizio Moretti called it quits, again, this time "for real."
Oh, and Paris Hilton was spotted "hand-holding" in public while Britney Spears found herself a new seaman who kinda, sorta has that whole K-Fed thing going on.
Got it? Good. So now you won't be totally overwhelmed when we tell you Lindsay Lohan's reportedly back from nursing her appendicitis wounds and already hooking up with Ashlee Simpson's (post nose-job) ex, Pete Wentz. (Yes, the very same Wentz who, as you may recall, beat up a security guard on tape earlier this week in a misguided attempt to prove Fall Out Boy has "street credit.)"
We just hope Linds watches out for that violent streak, cause we'd hate to this union go the same way as Jason Kidd's marriage.
• Rosie O'Donnell blows up at Barbara Walters for not disputing Trump's claims that Walters "regretted" hiring her.
• Fall-Out Boy (and one-time Ashlee Simpson "hump buddy") Pete Wensz gets out his pent-up aggression by beating up a security guard…on tape.
• Angelina Jolie is sorry for blasting Madonna's adoption of a Malawi boy, and wants to remind us that snatching kids from third-world families is "totally okay."
• Julia Roberts possibly having twins, possibly just used to shopping for two.
• Hilary Swank gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; Chad Lowe says, 'Hey, that's great Hil. BTW, thanks again for blabbing to the tabs about my substance abuse problem.'
• Lara Spencer being considered for the Today show; considers it a "great opportunity" to continue copying Diane Sawyer's career.
Usually so willing to answer our candid questions, Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy (and fall out of pants boy) was unusually coy on the MTV VMA red carpet yesterday — especially when it came to Ashlee Simpson. We were \asking him one of our stock questions (see above clip), which happened to be about Ashlee: "What makes Ashlee Simpson more obnoxious? That she won't cop to having a nose job, that she can't sing live, or that she's Jessica Simpson's sister?"
We expected at least a playful snub, but no, nothing. Just a publicist-friendly "she's so sweet" type response that we would've expected from Christina Aguilera. And then we read today's Page Six item:
ASHLEE Simpson may claim she's dating her bandmate Braxton Olita, but she looked a little too cozy with Fall Out Boys' Pete Wentz at G-Spa the other night. The two spent time together at big sister Jessica's Yahoo! roller-skating party at the Roxy, but got even closer at the after party at G-Spa. While others including Ashlee's father Joe, mom Tina and blogger Perez Hilton looked on, Ashlee and Wentz sat together in a corner, cuddled and whispered all night until they left together.
Questions: answered.
• Daddy Diddy will raise a legit kid. We just hope he treats it better than the cast members of Making the Band 3. That would seriously be grounds for child abuse. [Jam!]
• Pete Wentz beat out some tough competition to become the one celebrity most unemployed, thirty five year old men want to see naked. [Much Music]
• We wonder what DMX is planning to do ,… y'know, now that Busta Rhymes took his spot over as hip hops biggest fuck up. [Access Atlanta]
• Jack White’s house or Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory? [Pitchfork Media]
• The normally sweet and helpful Simon Cowell has no suggestions for you this time around. [NYDN]
When MTV invited us along to their annual publicity vehicle known at the Movie Awards, we had dreams of getting squished in with the tabloids and television cameras on the red carpet. And like Pete Doherty to handcuffs, it came together exactly as expected. We were herded onto the Sony lot along with a hundred or so other press outlets on Saturday, awaiting Jessica Simpson's ample calves and Steve Carrell's freshly waxed chest.
While we stuck around to catch host Jessica Alba supervise the popcorn distribution, most of the fun took place among the troops.
This is MTV's holding pen, where the press corp took turns lining up in single file to be hauled off to the red carpet. The most exciting part? Free Snickers.
The Viewing Room, where press not invited inside the show were welcome to watch the live feed. At the end of the day, we realized these folks were the lucky ones.
This is where the press peed while waiting to get into single file.
After the jump, we promise real celebrities. And no pee.
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• Keith Richards will not need surgery. Drugs, old age, falling from a coconut tree … the guy is frggin' immortal. Or maybe he's already dead and just a zombie? [Billboard]
• Just like they will never realize George Clooney is not a member of the media, people may never realize that Bono isn't a real politician. [Guardian]
• Flea doesn't know about the legal specs of downloading, but if you're downloading his album he doesn't think you're very nice. [Spin]
• Fall Out Boy does not want racist or homophobic fans. Oh, Pete Wentz, you get more publicity by pulling down your pants. [MTV]
• Natalie Portman schools Columbia. That too good for NYU snob.
• We wish Joan Rivers well in her search for a deaf and blind guy with a boatload of cash.
• Celeb Fall Out Boy of the week, Pete Wentz graces us all with the presence of his penis and then his (much more interesting) journal.
• Us Weekly launches a blog, and then for some reason doesn't blog their stories.
• And, of course, Teri Hatcher sobs the story that makes the whole Vanity Fair staff work late.
Yesterday brought with it a series of naked photos of Pete Wentz, bassist of this-minute emo band Fall Out Boy. You might know them from their single "Sugar We're Going Down," with the lyrics "Waaah, waaah / Waaah waaah waaah waaah waaah waaah." In the ensuing hours – and probably without the knowledge of Island Records – Wentz updated Fall Out Boy's official soapbox.
so as some of you obviously know someone hacked into my sidekick and took pictures off of it. this was very upsetting and a total invasion of privacy. i can't explain to you how it feels. whats even more absurd to me is that anyone would care to see a couple of racy pictures of some shitty, dirty boy. after feeling badly about this for about 24 hours, i am now ready to get back to laughing.
its been a tough couple of weeks for me lately. the only good thing about times of adversity is that you realize who your real friends and fans are- and the rest go away- which in my mind is an ok thing. i just wanted to take the time to thank the people who continually stand by my side- a special thanks to absolutepunk.net and mikey way for being amazing.
the moral of the story: if you really dont want pictures of yourself to end up on the internet. dont take the pictures.
now please return to the shittalking at whatever messageboard you are at.
OMG! gaah. i forgot the most important part- how the fuck did santino not win? santino > pete wentz - for sure- thought i could have understood if daniel won, but her? blah.
now you can really go back.
Glad to hear that after all this public trauma, Pete Wentz is already moving on to the more important things in life: Project Runway. But, from our knowledge of the events, previous reports that Wentz's Sidekick has hacked into (as he claims) are false. Rather, he sent the photos to a lady friend (Chris' girlfriend), who then leaked them. Jackass.
Journal [Fall Out Boy]
Earlier: Pete Wentz: Fall out (of pants) boy
We're never going to claim to be experts on emo bands. But naked photos of B-list celebrities? Yes, we're just gonna say it: we're experts. Which is why we're on the case of the naked photos of Pete Wentz from the band Fall Out Boy.
The details on this incident are a bit blurry, but just know this: there are at least four photos of him – likely stolen from his Sidekick, a la Paris Hilton – in various states of undress that have been leaked.
How'd they get out? We understand Wentz, the guitarist for Fall Out Boy, is feuding with a former friend named Chris from Chicago — and the two have been dueling on, of all things, their blogs. What's the spat? Seems Pete had a thing for Chris' lady friend, made a pass, and pissed off his best mate.
But at least Chris is handling the photo leak of his former friend like a true hipster.
ok ok ok, big deal..its a penis, and if mine was half as pretty i would be shoving it in the face of every last one of you. its the punk rock equivalent of a sex tape, and do you know anyone whos career has been hurt by a sex tape? no. no one. like the old saying goes; theres no such thing as bad publicity.
Now, we're not saying Chris was responsible for the photos leaking (okay, we might be saying that, but stamp it with an "allegedly") — but you gotta respect a fella who rationalizes his fascination with his ex-mate's dick with that "all publicity is good publicity" excuse.
After the jump, feast your eyes on the very candid Pete Wentz, our very own fall out of pants boy.
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Editorial Director
