• Jerkass Russell Crowe mortifies Leo DiCaprio by sharing a rather unfortunate memory. Says Crowe: "You know, I worked with Leonardo when he was 17 on ‘The Quick and the Dead [1995]. He was a virgin, and he’d talk about that constantly." Thanks, guy!

• Tori Spelling and her hubby (whose name we can never remember) get all gussied up for Halloween. Tori's a witch, obvs, and her husband (Sean?) has apparently decided to go as K-Fed. The accidental lovechild looks ecstatic.

• Benicio Del Toro is a natural for the leading role of The Wolf Man remake, not to be confused with Teen Wolf, and definitely not to be confused with "sexy."

• Petra Nemcova endeavors to save the children; ends up scaring them away with her giant breasts instead.

• Have you heard? Jessica Alba's got this new thing where she only hangs out with people who look EXACTLY like Jessica Alba.

• Kim Kardashian knows you aren't ready for this jelly.

• A nostalgic look back at a time where Paris pretended to go to jail for the sake of high fashion, belated irony.

• Gisele Bundchen says "nobody is a virgin when they get married" nowadays. Then, to prove her point, she reminded us all that she's "single and fabulous" by banging Tom Brady and having a minor pregnancy scare.

• Petra Nemcova ruins a perfectly good upskirt moment by masterfully exiting out of an NYC taxicab. Bitch.

• Nicole Richie continues to hide her face underneath a giant, terrycloth towel. Out of shame, perhaps? No, that can't be it…

• Justin Timberlake is apparently "in love" with Jessica Biel. Probably because she has an inordinately large ass heart.

• Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich and his wife give birth to future douche, Bryce Thadeus Ulrich-Nielsen.

• A year ago in gossip, everything was…exactly the same.

• Lindsay Lohan has announced plans to start working on new urban crap pop album.

• Model Petra Nemcova has gone from surviving a tsunami to shagging singer James Blunt and accidentally exposing her left nipple.

• Now that she's old, and a mom, nobody wants to see Madonna make obscene gestures. Or dance around in a leotard as tight as her face. [MSNBC]

• Don't expect this from us, but Jay Leno apologizes for offending one of his fans. What, shootings aren't funny anymore or something? [AP]

• Run for your free Starbucks, just don't say NYC never gave you anything. Like, more pointless lines to wait in. [NYO]

• Somebody who spells 'don't' 'do'nt' probably doesn't know shit. Let alone the state of Will Ferrell's existence. Last we heard, he was in Canada, winking at stalkers. [Defamer]

• We really wish Bruce Willis was sleeping with Petra Nemcova. Maybe he wouldn't be so cranky all the time. [Page Six]

• What is a greater Catholic sin, getting pregs before marriage or having a Scientology wedding? [R&M]