Imagine being so poor that not even $123 billion could fix your problems. If you can imagine that, you know what it's like to be AIG – motto: "Strength to be there" – the banking giant who fucked around with everybody's money until they were in a world of hurt.

Less than a month after borrowing more than a hundred billion dollars from the United States government, who borrows money from China, AIG has already consumed three-quarters of the loan, and it's still not sure that cash will save its ass. And we thought we were broke!

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Buy Spam! We're now so poor that the devices we've created to tally just how poor we are don't work anymore.

The National Debt Clock, which has glared over the filthy den of capitalism that is Times Square since 1989, is now out of digits to record the ever increasing figure of money we owe to China, who makes dissenters disappear. Next year, the Durst Organization (no relation to Fred) plans to add two more digit places to the clock, thus allowing it to track debt up to – and this is not a joke – A QUADRILLION DOLLARS.

How poor are we? We're so poor that the words used to describe how poor we are sound fake!

Uh oh! Will.I.am, he of crap.py quartet the Black Eyed Peas, got a big head in light of the success of his "Yes We Can" video. Prepare to be positive video-ed to death.

On Thursday in New York City, Will, his band mate apl.de.ap, musician Angelique Kidjo, actress Kristin Davis and model Elle Macpherson all helped launch a "new" campaign to halve global poverty by 2015. Neat, if not really new.

In fact, this campaign is an initiative to help revitalize a plan originally put into motion eight years ago by the United Nations. Many of the countries the UN had hoped would be well on their way to destroying poverty by now are nowhere near achieving their goals. Clearly, this is a job for apl.de.ap.

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