Magical tool David Blaine is pulling every excuse out of thin air for his failed stunt Wednesday night. First it was George W. Bush's fault (well, everything is, really). Now it's Mother Nature's fault, because she had the audacity to ruin his plans for "the most amazing ending for a stunt ever" (his words, not ours) with high winds.
Um, what the hell just happened? No, seriously. I have never been more confused and at a loss for words than I am at this very moment.
I chose to witness the David Blaine Dive of Death from the comfort of my living room instead of trekking over to Central Park to hang out with Crazy Jennifer. The ABC special lasted over two hours — packed with filler and the host's false claims that David had stayed in an upside-down position for 60 hours — and Blaine still couldn't complete his stunt in time. He performed some of his world-famous card tricks, he caught a bullet in (a metal cup in) his mouth, and then he performed the Dive of Death. This DoD was never fully explained, so the DB-hating roommate and I just sat staring at the screen in utter confusion as he dove from a 44-foot-high platform while attached to a harness. He got stuck about halfway down and then was lifted back into the air. This is where things got really weird: The production crew flickered the lights on and off a few times and then cut away from David in the air, claiming he "vanished into the night." And … credits.
Upon hearing that David Blaine would idiotically be hanging upside down over Central Park for three days and two nights, I dispatched my lovely roommate Sara to witness the spectacle during her lunch break. Among her findings: "David Blaine is SUCH a little cheater."
Turns out the whole promise of hanging upside down for 60 hours straight failed to include the times he stretches his body horizontally and then stands straight up, on his own two feet, for multiple check-ups. Oh, and the whole suspension thing is a joke: Most of the time he's hovering over the ground, chatting with tourists and bystanders. So this — "he will hang upside down above New York's Central Park for three days and two nights … suspended six stories up on a highwire" — is totally false.
Have you heard? Paste, a crappy magazine you've never heard of, has decided to follow in Radiohead's footsteps and allow readers to determine how much (if anything!) they should pay for subscription rates. Unlike Radiohead, however, Paste lacks the preexisting fan-base, marketing savvy or any content worth paying for. (Example: Ryan Adams is on the cover).
Naturally, we'll be sure to keep you updated and let you know how the indie mag (best known for attracting rebellious arty types) fares. But in this case, it's probably safe to say reading for free won't qualify you as a jerk. But it just might qualify you as their very first subscriber!
The president of KFC writes JLo an unsolicited letter offering to host "you, your entourage and a few VIP guests" at the greasy fried chicken establishment of her choice. Neat! Unfortunately for Marc Anthony, however, that would actually require eating.
The full letter, after the jump.
According to the AP, Turkish nobody Cenk Uygur is insisting that comedian Stephen Colbert stole one of his jokes for a recent broadcast.
Uygur posted a video on YouTube comparing his joke — which he claims he first told on his Sept. 7 radio program — with a segment that aired on "The Colbert Report" four days later.
In both jokes, Uygur and Colbert suggest that the Republican presidential candidates sounded like Klingons from "Star Trek" while speaking about the value of honor.
Although a rep for Colbert said the comedian had no immediate comment, it's likely he will subsequently embarrass Cenk Uygur by publicly pointing out that there is not, as of yet, a patent on "Republicans aren't funny" jokes.
• When asked about pictures of Russian President Vladimir Putin's fishing topless, GOP presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee creepily replied: "While I am impressed with the fact he can get out and go fishing, the shirtless photo doesn't do anything for me. Now, if it was a picture of Scarlett Johansson, that would be another story." Zing?
• Dude, you do not want to be the guy who has to explain to all his drinking buddies that he just got the living crap beat out of him by Andy Dick.
• Dog mauls autographed Vick football.
• David Letterman and Oprah generously agree to put aside their differences long enough to kiss and make up cross-promote.
• Barnes & Noble agrees to shelve If I Did It (despite adamantly promising not to less than a week ago). Presumably because they're a greedy corporation built on a foundation of hypocrisy and capitalism.
• Bad style becomes illegal. Related: LAPD issues a warrant for Richard Simmons' arrest.
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