Have you heard? Rich bankers in New York, the poncy swindlers who keep us out of Manhattan after sundown (they've discovered the LES!), are becoming a tad less rich. Boo hoo. And with the money goes the ridiculous luxuries it buys. No more willowy blonds who don't mind not kissing during sex, no more bespoke wingtips and, according to various nightlife connoisseurs, no more fucking bottle service. Huzzah!

In deference to those kind, decent human beings who know nothing of the favorite pastime of New York's most detestable pricks, bottle service is a practice in which scantily clad club waitresses bring overpriced bottles of vodka to tables of wealthy, hooting clowns who like rap music but hate black people. Good times! But God knows they couldn't last; clubs around New York are kiboshing the service as our nation falls into financial ruin and i-bankers run around with less disposable income:

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