• Paris Hilton flashes some nipple on the pages of German GQ, then finds out her precious teddy bear tested positive for Herpes…type two.

• Gays aren't buying rumors that a secretly gay Jake Gyllenhaal has an illegitimate lovechild. When reached for comment, a flaming homosexual replied, "Secretly gay? Puh-leeze. That's wild"

• You’re mom is right, you could lose some weight. New York comes in as the 38th fattest state.

• "Careful, Ashley, stop!" they cried. But it was too late, and Ashely went over the side.

• CNBC anchor Erin Burnett becomes Daily Show fodder. And finds out that the Money Honey hates her. Presumably, because she's hotter.

• The iPhone hacker proves he has lots of brainpower by working 800 hours straight. Not even stopping to shower.

• Backstreet Boys: Are they too cool for school? Or just a bunch of washed-up no-talent fools?

• Chris Noth to reprise his role as Mr. Big for the Sex and the City movie. In light of Noth's temporary absence, the part of "Crazy Scraggly Homeless Person And Sometimes-Actor" will be played by his faithful understudy, Jay McCarroll Natasha Lyonne.

• Yes, of course Brad Pitt has jury duty now. Meanwhile, the most attractive person in our jury pool last week was the creepy 85 year-old woman named Madge who's "single, and still looking for Mr. Right." Octogenarian suitors? Start your engines.

• Another huge drop in the stock market today, or, as the NYP would say, "KA-DOW!"

• Boring nature video, or the most amazing 8 minutes of your life?

• Jack Black going where no man (other than Jack Black) has gone before.

Any Full House fans out there? [Ed: OMG, seriously?? Put your hands down, somebody might SEE you!] Anyways, if you'd prefer remember Bob Saget as the father figure to three daughters, a golden retriever and an out-of-work comedian who lives in the basement, you may wish to avert your eyes/ears.

CONTINUED »

In an effort to beat TMZ at their goal of milking the Lindsay Lohan DUI saga into the maximum number of posts, we bring you this footage of Rob Schneider (a.k.a. Deuce Biga-lohan!) from last night's Tonight Show.

It's the funniest thing we've seen since we involuntarily caught the climactic last 25 minutes of The Animal (without headphones, of course) which is to say the quality—of both the video and the humor—is marginal at best.

Bonus points for Schneider's demonstrative take on the SKRAM bracelet, though.

And now it's time for…Paula Abdul sobbing uncontrollably for no particular reason. Okay, fine, there's ostensibly a reason (something about getting fired or demoted or something?) but we don't really get it because Paula's about as coherent here as she is after three of those trademark "painkiller martinis."

Either way, it hardly matters. One hardly needs context to appreciate this moving footage of a tear-stricken Paula throwing a temper tantrum, and angrily questioning her belief in God.

Crazy? Yes. Repetitive? Yes. But it's worth sticking through until the bitter end, when Paula's obligatory annoying friends try to console her, only to be interrupted by a hysterical Paula, who yells, "You guys, please! I'm trying to tell a GODDAMN STORY!"

[via INO]

* Although maybe we should start!

Sometimes, getting motivated on a Thursday morning can be kind of a drag.

Which is why we've decided to provide you (and, well, ourselves) with an amazing early-morning distraction.

Because, as far as we're concerned, (a) it's never too early for your first break, and (b) anything featuring super-hero queens doing a crazy gymnastics-dance to the tune of the Footloose soundtrack is alright by us.

UPDATE: In a revealing IM confessional, Queerty editor Andrew Belonsky has just proclaimed this clip to be "the most riveting piece of entertainment [he's] seen since posh's nbc special."

[via Popbitch]

Last week, a substitute teacher in a Wisconsin school district was fired for allegedly initiating a sexual relationship with her daughter's 13 year-old boyfriend.

And, while the teacher's name has not yet been released (due to the pending police investigation) it's safe to assume that she, like her predecessors Debra Lafave and Amber Jennings, is both deeply disturbed and outrageously hot.

Although no pictures of the offending woman are currently available, we do have an exclusive video dramatization of the local Wisconsin police department responsible for the woman's apprehension and subsequent arrest.

The highly educational footage, after the jump.

CONTINUED »

• Sadly, this little fella truly was the best five seconds of our day.

• In addition to making a bunch of crappy movies in the 90's, Pauly Shore is, apparently, a lawn-ruiner.

• Sometimes, you don't feel truly lazy until you realize that Naomi Watts—who appears to be 13 months pregnant—is out running errands while you're sitting on your couch eating Polly-O string cheese and watching last night's So You Think You Can Dance.

• Rachael Bilson: She's too cute to be unemployed.

• Larry Birkhead tells us more than we needed to know about Anna Nicole Smith's toes, and, for that matter, Larry Birkhead himself.

If you're anything like us, then you probably haven't even thought about MC Hammer since you watched his E! True Hollywood Story and found out how the hell he managed to squander his multimillion dollar estate. [Spoiler: It had something to do with the $12 million estate, the leased Boeing 727 and the 200 person entourage on his payroll for approximately $500,000 a month].

In any event, he's back. And it turns out that, while Hammer's lost the parachute pants, he's somehow retained the ability to rap badly.

So, for your afternoon video viewing pleasure, we invite you to enjoy MC Hammer's ineloquent entreaty to end the war in Iraq. Admittedly, the song lacks the panache of "U Can't Touch This" or the joyful earnestness of "Here Comes The Hammer" but we can't say we disagree with its simple, yet annoyingly repetitive message.

Check it out, after the jump.

Do it for nostalgia's sake, and because—as MC would unconvincingly argue—"this is a beat (uh!) u can't touch."

CONTINUED »

With the Cannes film festival still in full swing, we figured we'd take a moment to see what all the buzz is about. Sure, we enjoyed seeing Jerry Seinfeld fly around in a giant bee suit, admired Pamela Anderson's giant, lopsided bosoms and watched a dragalicious Jessica Simpson promote some movie that we'll conscientiously avoid until we are literally forced to watch it on a turbulent cross-Atlantic flight.

And while Cannes has become an important showcase for international films (particularly European productions) we worry that their elitist view of cinema occasionally causes the committee representatives to overlook a cinematic gem.

Like, for instance, this short film, which premiered on last night's episode of The Simpsons. Sure, it's neither artsy nor pretentious, but we think it has a little something special. Keep an eye out for it at next year's Cannes—we promise you'll never look at gingivitis the same way again.

You know how sometimes, after you eat way too many pot brownies, you get so stoned and paranoid that you can't find your police badge and you're totally convinced that you're dying—or worse still, already dead?

Well, that's exactly what happened to this unfortunate police officer. Thankfully for us, his frantic 911 call was captured on national television.

In trying to describe the new single by supermodel-turned-Ricky Martin-impersonator Marcus Schenkenberg, we enlisted the help of our gay brother, Queerty.

Jossip: How would you best describe this musical trainwreck?
Queerty: Dream-shattering. Disappointing. Mind-boggling wretched. And the prime aural example of douchebaggery, at its finest.

Otherwise known as "the most amazing bout of schadenfreude we've had all day."

And, according to Marcus, the song's about "a girl [he] met in Spain."

So have a listen while we get into the swing of things with a sangria-fueled lunch and late afternoon siesta.

We can't think of any better way to start out our day than by offering you a glimpse of what the news is really like. And since, according to David Lazarus, we have no expertise in this particular realm, we figured we'd turn you over to those clever chaps at JibJab. Here's their latest, it's a little film that debuted at last night's Radio & TV Correspondents Association dinner, entitled "What We Call The News."

It's Friday afternoon, and you're hanging on by a thread, right? Trust us, we know the feeling! But that's surely no reason to take a nap under your desk a la George Costanza. In fact, why not salvage the final half-hour of the day by plowing away at whatever artsy, pretentious project it is you've* been working on in your spare time?

And with that in mind, we've decided to bring you this random but amusing afternoon pick-me-up. Because if this doesn't motivate you to churn away in your tiny little cubicles and spin your daily life experiences into literary gold, we doubt anything will!

*ostensibly

Our gay younger brother, Queerty, has quickly alerted us to the existence of Starring. 'But what,' you might ask, 'is Starring?' Why, it's none other than Jeremy Scott's dazzling foray into short film and daytime television mockery!

And with its horrible stage acting, melodramatic camera angles and a faux commercial where Amber Valetta reveals her secret to alleviating menstrual cramps, the 20-minute short definitely delivers. Scott, a fashion designer with roots in the Midwest, claims his inspiration was "TV soap operas and the gorgeous women who inhabit them," and cast Tori "Notorious" Spelling, China Chow and Ms. Valetta in his parody/homage. We hope you appreciate the fruits of his labors.

Click here for the two-part cinematic masterpiece.

Paris Hilton gets attacked by a bunch of communists smoking cigarettes? Cigarettes that may or may not have been the new chick-friendly Camel. No. 9's? While the insipid "Stars Are Blind" painfully bleats on in the background?

Amazing.

Thanks to LiveLeak.com for the footage of Paris' ill-fated publicity op in Vienna. Feel free to fast forward, as the real action starts around 45 seconds into the clip—at which point the Marxists make their move and Hilton gets pelted by ciggies before being promptly evacuated.

For those of you who were out drinking/socializing/dirty-dancing on a table** this past Saturday night, we regret to inform you that you missed the funniest SNL sketch since "Dick in a Box."

The skit purports to be an episode of the (thankfully) fictional "The Dakota Fanning Show," and is essentially an excuse for an extended, dead-on parody of the creepily-adult child star.

Example: Fanning (Amy Poehler) waxes intellectual about the latest Thomas Pynchon work and NYT book critic Michiko Kakutani, but proves ignorant on all references to mainstream pop culture, (fave line: "I am not familiar").

We especially enjoyed the banter between "talk show host" Dakota Fanning and her band-leader, as well as the interactions with far-more-normal Abigail Breslin (Drew Barrymore), prompting Fanning to sigh, "oh, to be ten again. Those were heady, heady days."

Enjoy the video.

**Yes, you, TomKat!

Ever wish you could go back in time, enter your high school talent show with a tight, choreographed dance routine, dominate over all those other fools in the contest who think they just about own the place, and then walk away with serious underage tail?

Well, you can't. (And, frankly, it's kinda weird of you to even think about that in the first place—unless, of course, you're some sort of total perv).

But, we digress as we try and bring you the next best thing to making your (creepy) fantasy come true: watching these grungy 16 year old kids take on the treadmill inspired music video of OK Go's "Here We Go Again" to resounding applause.

Eh, just watch it…and think of the outtakes! Besides, when's the last time you were anywhere near a treadmill, Fatty?

(Via BWE)