Just when you thought MTV couldn't become more of a soulless corporation without transforming into subplot fodder for a John Grisham novel, the former hipness barometer outdid itself in one week by:
1) Canceling TRL, and with it the last shred of reasoning behind calling the Viacom subsidiary a music station.
2) Signing a contract that would allow them to stay at their Times Square location (that really only made sense to inhabit when TRL was on the air) with a $35-per-square-foot rent increase.
3) Destroying the rainforest for the sake of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge show that no one knew was still on the air:
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So, new reports say that Real World: Brooklyn may not be all skinny jeans and hip hangs in Williamsburg like the whole world expected. According to an article in today’s New York Times, the show’s producers are looking further south, to downtown Brooklyn, for the new home of seven strangers picked to have their lives taped. Turns out even the locals think that might be a bad idea:
• Lance Armstrong grossly makes out with random blond chick to alleviate suspicion that he's dating an Olsen.
• Even more irrefutable proof that Britney Spears is all kinds of knocked up.
• Celebrities pump their own gas, just like us! Only difference is, they can actually afford premium gasoline despite the soaring oil prices.
• Naomi Campbell continues to forget that she is, in fact, an aging supermodel—and lacks the requisite interpersonal skills required of even "honorary" diplomats.
• Wait, so this week's episode of The Real World ended with a racist catfight? Yeah, this is us, pretending to be surprised.
• Hey, ladies! Wayne Newton wants you to know he's heterosexual. Just, you know, FYI.
God, MTV.
First we hear that The Hills is fake, and now Tila Tequila is straight. What’s next, the Real World isn’t real?
A source close to the Shot At Love production claims Tila is not bi-sexual at all. In fact, she’s got a BF, and is just using her sexuality to springboard her career [Ed: since when is looking slutty on a social networking site a career?]. Get out!
Reports Page Six:
Tila has and has had a boyfriend for over a year, and she's not really bi. She's made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all … This is a massive scam . . . That's why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won't dump him.
We know, we know. This looks bad. But if the source at Page Six thinks all girls have made out with other girls, Tila Tequila might still be a bit bi-curious.
Not content with rotting the brains of Americans and Europeans, MTV has gone after the Arab market: MTV Arabia premiered this weekend. The channel will have 60 percent international music and 40 percent Arabic music.
A note to the casting directors of the Real World Baghdad: It might be too soon to see what happens when Sunnis and Shiites stop being polite and start getting real.
Sometimes, you sit around and wonder how in the hell MTV's The Real World still exists. Could it be, we wondered, that everyone we know is secretly watching it but is just too ashamed to admit it? Perhaps!
So we decided to give it one more shot and checked out the season-opener and discovered (a) everyone on the show is clearly an Abercrombie & Fitch model, and (b) it's inadvertently hilarious.
Take, for instance this astute observation by Whatshisface (the good looking preppy from Mississippi).
"Cohutta, Isaac and me knew from day one that all the drama in this house was going to be centered around vaginal insecurity."
Um, that's, like, the best line to come out of The Real World since Fake-Boobies Tanya said, "Call me a whore, call me slut, just don't call me a liar."
And they said this show was no longer socially relevant.
Let's play a game Jossip likes to call "Who's the Dumbest Person on Television?" We vote for the dude who wants to jet ski in a hurricane, and the whigger who wants to get his ass beat with a frying pan.
Luckily, we have Intern Molly, our special television correspondent, to gather all the freakshows up and put their charming quotes in a Simon Cowell filled Easter basket for you to skip around with.
Or, y'know, just read. The top five are after the jump … and they're totally worth it. Ryan Seacrest even made us laugh … out loud.
10. "Heaven and hell, earth, power, wind, force, make me listen and my strength will be my source." —Jade, ANTM
9. "Actually, I AM a lesbian, and the fact is I CAN take any one of your girls any day of the week! This is why I hate people."—Paula, Real World: Key West
8. "Our food was fly."—Stephen (the whitest man ever), Top Chef
7. "She's looking good from afar, but when we get close she is looking far from good."—Adrian proving his wit on 8th & Ocean
6. "I'm not your bitch, bitch."—Dave, Top Chef
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As Slate's Troy Patterson – like the rest of the TV critic minions – pans the upcoming (17th!) season of Real World: Key West, we thought it'd be our duty to put you in touch with the cast members directly. And what better way than through MySpace, Rupert Murdoch's hogpit for pedophiles?
We spent night after night clicking "View More Pictures" and expanding our own network just to grow closer to these 15-minute folks — or, more accurately, someone forwarded us the links. So take a gander at the Zach, Joe, Paula, Janelle, John, and Svetlana.
• Zach
• Jose
• Paula
• Janelle
• John
• Svetlana
The most peculiar part? The cast's gay roommate, Tyler, might actually not have a MySpace account. His Gay.com membership status, however, is yet to be determined.
Update: Towleroad finds Tyler on Friendster.
The Real World: Key West [MTV]
Remember season 10 of The Real World where Malik taught that white farm boy how not to be a racist prick? Or when Lori stalked Kevin like a maniac? Well, now some totally rich people can live in their world. Well, at least they can live in their loft.
Maybe NYU will buy it as a dorm and charge 8 times the $6,000 a month rent they normally do for a six person room. Or, maybe an NYU frat house will buy it, and let their very own rich farm boys live there.
Either way, The Real World New York loft is up for rent (for $35,000 a month) and we're sure something crazy will come of this. How could it not? Season 10 was like…it was the season where…ok, so we stopped watching Real World after season 5.
This Is The True Story… [Michael Calderone, NYO]
The Real World Back To New York [MTV]
• Supporting both AIDS research and PETA is an over-extension for Charlize Theron, at least according to Patient Advocates Against PETA supporters, who claim animal rights activists are hindering the search for an AIDS cure.
• While media companies are offering modest sums to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, New Orleans native Ellen DeGeneres alone pledged $500,000 (well, from her studio) and will use her talk show to raise even more cash.
• It probably won't make the season, but the cast of Real World: Key West has one unhappy neighbor. Production company Bunim/Murray is facing a lawsuit from Edwin O. Swift III, who lives next door to the Real World house in Key Haven. The bright lights are brighter than a "high school football stadium" and that taping has interfered with his family's activities like "relaxing and sleeping," which says nothing of the extramarital, unprotected sex.
• American Idol canceled its Memphis auditions not because Paula Abdul needed more time to nurse a contestant but because the hurricane relief efforts there take precedent.
• Staffers continue to flee Harper's Bazaar, though that doesn't mean September's Demi Moore cover is a pussy issue.
Editorial Director
