Breaking: In completely surprising news, CNBC has announced that Time Warner's "No. 1" (outgoing CEO Dick Parsons) will be replaced by…Time Warner's No. 2, Jeff Bewkes.

By sheer coincidence, the revelation—which has been common industry knowledge for the past two years—comes only days before the release of the media conglomerate's undoubtedly dismal third-quarter earnings.

In completely unrelated news, Bewkes has also long been an "outspoken critic" of the AOL-Time Warner merger that everyone hates. And according to inside sources, Bewkes is said to be considering various strategies for rebuilding the company (whose stock is currently dropped 18% since last year, and counting).

Among the most popular? Ditching AOL completely, buying an internet company (i.e. Yahoo) that doesn't suck and making Google CEO Eric Schmidt "disappear."

• Magician Hans Klok comes out of the closet; pledges to leave all the man-on-female sex crimes to (alleged) rapist David Copperfield.

• Jodie Foster's best performance to date.

• Tyra Banks to tell you more than you ever wanted to know about her vagina.

• Courteney Cox is a surprisingly caring mother! Especially for someone who named her innocent newborn "Coco."

• And speaking of Cocos, Ice-T's wife accidentally forgets her Halloween costume at home. A pity.

• Meanwhile, Google accidentally confuses outgoing Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons with…two monkeys. Even better? The ensuing Newsweek article is entitled "Google: Glitch, Not Racism."

There’s nothing to announce yet, but Time Warner Inc. may have a new CEO as early as next week.

Richard Parsons, the current chief executive, may hand off the title to Jeffrey Bewkes, president of the company. Bewkes was responsible for changing AOL’s business focus to advertisers, instead of users. That strategy appealed to about six moms in the Midwest.

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