Around Jossip HQ, we've been having an informal debate about what will be this year's Song of the Summer. For the past two years, Rihanna has (wo)manned the throne; in 2006, it was "S.O.S.," and in 2007, she had "Umbrella." We kinda liked N.E.R.D.'s "My Drive Thru," though we're concerned about its staying power. And then arrives this video: Shaq's insta-classic Kobe Bryant rant, "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes," remixed. A worthy contender if there ever was one.
• Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson look just like you thought they would in bathing suits, which is to say, not that sexy.
• Tila Tequila dresses just like you thought she would, which is to say, immodestly.
• Drew Barrymore behaves just like you thought she would, which is to say, belligerently.
• Daniel Radcliffe dates just who you thought he would, which is say, his co-stars.
• Amy Winehouse destroys her career just like you thought she would, which is to say, she won't attend the Grammy's because of her drug problems.
• Rihanna has all the body parts of a regular person, just like you thought she would, which is to say, there are pictures of her nipples available online.
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• Rihanna gets photographed slinking around with rumored castrato Robin Thicke.
• Pictures of the first meeting between Dina Lohan and Lindsay's new beau are, well, awkward to say the least. Riley looks damn uncomfortable, Lindsay looks preoccupied with the photogs and Dina looks focused on the task at hand: Convincing the waiter to slip a little pinch of champagne into her glass of orange juice.
• Is Amy Winehouse finally getting her life together? (Spoiler: No.)
• Julia Roberts pulls an Ashley Olsen, parks her suburban soccer-mom vehicle in a handicapped spot.
• Nice try, hot tub fornicator Vanessa Minnillo! But that fancy straw boater hat isn't fooling anyone into thinking you're a class-act.
• Former Superstar Molly Shannon is reduced to headlining the opening of a new public restroom.
• At family reunions, Britney Spears is generally known as "the functional one." Seriously.
• Most actors/actresses secretly want to be musicians. Unfortunately, the secret's pretty much out.
• Chris Judd (better known as JLo's short-lived second husband) has apologized tried to take credit for letting the cat out of the bag about Lopez's pregnancy. In actuality, the real culprit was JLo's rapidly growing uterus.
• Rihanna gets caught without her umbrella on the cover of Mexican FHM. Dios mio!
• John Travolta is still frightening people with his greasy, Brandon Davis hair.
• Amy Winehouse is still insisting she's not on drugs.
• Jessica Seinfeld is still claiming she's too rich, successful to plagiarize from non-famous people.
• Paris Hilton is still an exhibitionist.
• Beyonce Knowles is still angry at Rihanna for stealing her curvaceous thunder.
• And Geri Halliwell is still…relevant?
Rihanna was recently named "Favorite Female Artist" at the American Music Awards last night, despite wearing some sort of awful "chainmail meets velor" ensemble, allegedly getting a boob job and making it impossible to say the word "umbrella" without getting that annoying-but-catchy song stuck in your head for hours. [Stereohyped]
• A new rumor has it that Kevin Federline married Brit solely for her money, pushed her into divorcing him then tried to win custody of the kiddies to increase the amount of his monthly alimony checks. Well, obvs.
• Meanwhile, word has it Britney's been taking a dangerous combination of OTC stimulants. Unlike Jesse Spanow, however, she hasn't been taking them so she can pass her geometry midterm.
• Someone forgets to tell Rihanna's makeup artist, stylist that Halloween is over.
• "Wait until they get a load at my strategically placed necklace," giggled Jessica Simpson. "Assuming everything goes according to plan, no one will even ask me about that crappy new clothing line I only pretended to design."
• Actor Shia LaBeouf was busted in Chicago last weekend for getting drunk and refusing to leave a Walgreen's. Even more surprising? TMZ totally got scooped on the mugshot.
• O.J. Simpson to face one of his greatest all-time fears, namely being tried and convicted of a crime—and sentenced to prison for up to 35 years.
• The Onion's "Israelites Sue God For Breach Of Covenant" is supposed to be funny, but surprisingly, it turns out they're right on the money.
• Meanwhile, devout followers testify in polygamist Warren Jeffs' defense. His wives unanimously rally around him, except #7, who's "on the fence."
• Did Rihanna get plastic surgery? Well, the rumors certainly are rife. And something about those funbags says she ditched the umbrella and went under the knife.
• Vanessa Hudgens divulges a "secret" crush on Matt Damon and brags about her throngs of adoring fans while simultaneously refusing to answer questions about those racy pictures of her cans.
• MTV's exec president describes Tila Tequila's trashtastic new dating show as "a roller-coaster ride of drama, conflict and emotion, busting stereotypes and challenging the norm." When asked for comment, an irate Justin Timberlake responds, "Play a video!"
• Meanwhile, JT finally gets recognized for being kind of a dick.
• Also, Justin reportedly celebrated his "Best Male Artist" pickup by banging Rihanna, much to the disappointment of Jessica Biel's disproportionately large ass.
• Meanwhile, Britney celebrates her short-lived VMA's "comeback" by showing everyone her hairless vagina.
• Dame Anita Roddick, the founder of The Body Shop, dies, leaves behind a lasting legacy of crappy kiwi-strawberry flavored lip balm and overpriced mango bodywash.
• Which cast member of The Fashionista Diaries always makes it a point to be "articulate and cassy?" (Hint: It's not Bridget.)
Days ago, Kanye West lashed out at a beleaguered Britney Spears, stating the obvious ("I can’t believe she would perform [at the VMA's]—she hasn’t had a hit record in years”) and citing racism—and, presumably, poor taste—as the underlying reason behind MTV's questionable choice.
When asked for his comments again after Spears' show-opener, an uncharacteristically speechless West replied, "I have no words."
For those of you who missed it, Spears' lethargic VMA's performance was certainly a (lackluster) sight to behold. Picture, if you will, the slightly overweight washed-up pop star, clad only in an ill-fitting black bikini, lip-syncing lazily to her brand new hit single while halfheartedly gyrating against her nubile male dancers.
Now picture it again, except this time think "exponentially more awkward."
For all you stubborn, always-late weather-impaired people out there (the types who would rather hurl themselves straight into an oncoming hailstorm than be bothered to spend thirty seconds checking TWC) comes an exciting new technological development: the rain-sensing "Ambient Umbrella."
Yes, for merely $125 a pop, this amazing weather-predicting device will download the Accuweather forecast for you and let you know whether it's currently raining outside—an invaluable service* that saves you the trouble of actually having to look out the window and see for yourself.
So buy one today! It'll be like you have a fifth sense ESPN or something! Or, you know, just an insanely overpriced umbrella.
*Kidding! The price is still a non-negotiable $125
• Note to Lindsay: you know your relationship is sort-of in trouble when (a) your boyfriend starts cheating on you with a stripper while you're away at rehab, and (b) the stripper describes the sex as "a bit weird."
• Britney Spears ditches the weave, leaves her overall craziness still intact.
• Meanwhile, did Brit really tell her kids that they were both mistakes? And if so, aren't they too young to even remember?
• If actress Vivica A. Fox were a soap opera, she'd be "The Bald And The Beautiful."
• Recently covered: Rihanna's irritating hit single, "Umbrella." Still very much uncovered: Rihanna's ginormous fake boobs.
• Justin Timberlake spotted "sitting with a bronze-skinned brunette." Obviously, they're fucking.
Despite recently admitting that she was "extremely embarrassed" about being known as the singer of the super-annoying pop hit, "Candy," Mandy Moore apparently has zero misgivings about covering Rihanna's equally irritating smash single, "Umbrella."
So, watch the video and find out what happens when a slightly chubby white girl stops being polite, and starts getting real thinking she's a Jamaican chick with a funny-shaped head.
It's just like the time Alanis Morissette covered The Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps," except a little less funny and a little more sad.
• From Dlisted: "You all know how much I love this alien, but if I hear "ella ella ella" one more time I'm going to fuck someone in the ass with an umbrella."
• Paris Hilton votes in last year's presidential election. Or not.
• Meanwhile, Paris pisses off the gods of fashion with a heinous "onesie," who punish her (and us) with an uncensored A-cup photo montage.
• Before finding work as baby-catcher to the rich and famous, Britney Spears' manny reportedly earned a living "operating a sex toy and porn Web site."
• Unfazed, Brit does her best Lil' Kim impression.
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