• We don't know what's more surprising. The fact that former Soviet Union leader Mikhail Gorbachev is the newest Louis Vuitton model or the fact that he's voluntarily carrying a man-purse.

• Dina Lohan found Rob Scheider's Deuce Biga-lohan impression offensive. We just found it unfunny.

• Dow suffers second worst day of 2007.

• Paul Rudd's nerdy gaming past comes back to haunt him.

• Don't worry, Kathy Griffin. The Game has zero intention of stealing your loyal band of gays.

In an effort to beat TMZ at their goal of milking the Lindsay Lohan DUI saga into the maximum number of posts, we bring you this footage of Rob Schneider (a.k.a. Deuce Biga-lohan!) from last night's Tonight Show.

It's the funniest thing we've seen since we involuntarily caught the climactic last 25 minutes of The Animal (without headphones, of course) which is to say the quality—of both the video and the humor—is marginal at best.

Bonus points for Schneider's demonstrative take on the SKRAM bracelet, though.

We had Lindsay Lohan booked on the show tonight but apparently she was already booked…

It's too bad about Lindsay. I thought our competition was Nightline and Letterman. Turns out it's "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted."

I guess you all heard the story by now. Early this morning, Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of DUI and possession of cocaine. She told cops she was just researching a role for a movie, in which she will play herself.

Didn't she just leave that rehab center in Malibu called "Promises"? I hope you kept the receipt.

I guess this is like the second time this year she's been arrested. Of course, under L.A. law she could do as much as 72 hours in jail. Let's hope she straightens it out.

–Excerpted from Jay Leno's monologue last night, in a Daily News article cleverly entitled, "Deuce Biga-lohan."