For some reason today you're lucky enough to be treated to a list of famous people in NYC who will shoot first, ask questions later. Some unsurprising results: did anyone think Robert De Niro really left his Taxi Driver days behind him? And some truly stunning examples of homeowners who own more firearms than silverware.

Alexis Stewart, Martha's daughter, bought a gun for her $3 million Tribeca loft after 9/11. Not for potential burglars or rapists, mind you. But just in case she has to leave and go all Old Yeller on her pets:

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Laura Landro published a not-quite posi review of the Robert De Niro invested hotel The Greenwich this week, calling the food "rubbery," the decor "low-key" and the staff not quite "on the ball." Oh well, what are you going to do, call up Robert De Niro and gripe about your accommodations at $1,000+ a night? If it was anyone else, maybe, but you don't want to risk you getting bumped because you griped about the calamari.

Although apparently one guy doesn't have a problem going on record for saying he's not a fan of the Taxi Driver:

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While flipping through New York Magazine last night under the table while saying mumbling "Baruch Atah Adonoi" along with the rest of the family, I noticed something a little bit…funky. Not that the magazine's 40th anniversary issue wasn't fantastic and full of pictures and charts and timelines and confirmation that NY's always been fucked up so don't worry about this whole Dow Jones mess, but I couldn't understand the how the editors picked some of their celebrities for their New York Actors segment:

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You ever play that speculating game, where you wonder who would win in a fight between two heavyweights; say, George Clooney or Brad Pitt, Tina Fey or Sarah Palin? Well, here's one for you next long car ride: Who came out victorious in the fight between deranged histrionic Quentin Tarantino and no-bullshit Robert De Niro during the filming of Tarintino's Jackie Brown back in '97?

Page Six managed to find a copy of a phone call where producer Harvey Weinstein tried to calm down an enraged Tarintino (and this was in the 90's, when Quentin's talent and ego were at their peak) over De Niro's diva behavior on the set.

Let's take a listen, shall we:

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• Howie Day takes time out of his Britney-humping schedule to jump onstage during Spears' "comeback" performance.

• Meanwhile, bloggers weigh in on Britney Spears' latest performance: "Her lip synching skills have not suffered during her recent meltdown."

• Katie Holmes reportedly trying her hand at non-Scientologist, non-homosexual men.

• This is what happens when you hit the dog with a newspaper one too many times.

• George Clooney jokes: "“Hell, I’m glad I have the Ocean’s franchise around to keep paying the bills for some of my other films which have tanked!” Hahaha—oh, wait. He owns an Italian villa.

• Robert De Niro awkwardly asks young black R&B singer Jamelia if she wants to be his "leading lady."

• Church looking to earn some extra cash by renting out space to rich, pubescent Jews.

• Hillary Clinton wins an informal NYC poll against former terrorist Barack Obama.

• Employees at Nobu demand compensation; Owner Robert De Niro says "fuhgetaboutit."

• Hell's Kitchen demands its rightful place on the crappy No. 7 line.

• A fortunate New Yorker gets the opportunity of a lifetime: the chance to tell a corny, one-liner to a tourist who doesn't remotely understand the punchline.

• Oh, snap. As if Lindsay Lohan needed another reason to hate Scarlett Johansson, Scarlett is now stealing Lindsay's classy signature shot (Kamikazes?) and downing them all night with Wilmer Valderrama at Marquee. [Page Six]

• But, Lohan has Jeremy Piven to help her forget about her problems. Or, y'know, give her more problems. [AP]

• A new book about John F. Kennedy Jr., complete with “never-before-seen” photos of the sexiest man alive?! We're so in. [Lowdown]

• Naomi Campbell dated Robert De Niro? Whoa, his stock just went down faster than the Observer's. [R&M]

• Expect a larger-than-normal drinking binge from Tara Reid soon. Looks like she’ll need the alcohol to get over her movie role embarrassment. [R&M]

• Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro split, creating a media frenzy. Star didn't know and Us Weekly didn't tell.

• Mediaweek’s Stephanie Smith gets ready to jump all over Women’s Wear Daily.

• The New York Times goes on a diet.

• Robert De Niro decided the New York Observer wasn’t worth his time.

• It’s hard to find the words to describe how beautiful Suri Cruise is… mainly because her existence is the shadiest thing ever.

• Oprah and Gayle King aren’t gay. For all of you who’ve been dying to know, they just like to swap panties once in awhile.

Today's LA Times features some ass licking coverage of the New York Observer today. The paper is undoubtedly this reporters favorite thing in the world and his only reason for living … any more flattering attention to the "cheeky salmon colored paper" and Peter Kaplan might have a stalker on his hands.

Anyways, amidst the sea of compliments and praise, the Times manages to break a nugget of news: Tribeca was surprised that the sale of the Observer to De Niro's hip little company didn't work out.

There had been talk that Carter might play a continuing role at the paper, most likely on the editorial page. Neither side would disclose the price tag being discussed for the paper. But one source familiar with the negotiations said the Tribeca people were surprised that the deal fell through. The source suggested that Carter perhaps had "seller's remorse.

That's one option. The other is that De Niro threatened to make a Reality TV documentary based on the staff and and their office cocktail hour and Carter found the concept a bit too incriminating.

Must-read, but not a must-have? [Josh Getlin, Los Angeles Times]

Some disappointing news just in from over at the New York Observer: Robert De Niro is no longer slotted to be the staff sugar daddy. A month or so ago New York magazine made an announcement in their gossip pages regarding the sale of the Observer to De Niro and the Tribeca company — and though things looked promising for a stretch, today the New York Times carries the word that the deal is dunzo.

“Unfortunately, we could not come to mutually acceptable terms,” Craig Hatkoff, a former real estate investor and one of the founders of Tribeca Enterprises, said in a statement. The other founders are Jane Rosenthal, the producer, who is married to Mr. Hatkoff, and Mr. De Niro, the actor.

Peter W. Kaplan, the editor of The Observer, said, “It just didn’t happen,” adding, “Sometimes things just don’t.”

And sometimes (ok, quite often) Keith Kelly just gets things wrong.

New York Observer Deal Won’t Happen, 2 Sides Say [Katherine Q. Seeyle, New York Times]

We know we're supposed to read the New York Observer for the insider media gossip and Gabe Sherman's copious coverage of the New York Times. But, as New Yorkers who love our social lives almost as much as our jobs, we can't help but let our eyes wonder into the Transom section for the socialite gossip and then over Suzy Hansen for the latest gossip on Brooklyn.

Today, however, we were a bit surprised. Not only was the paper' cover story about movie stars, but both Choire Sicha and Hansen had movie reviews. (Yes, we realize coverage of The Devil Wears Prada focused on the premiere party, but still.)

The Observer on The Devil Wears Prada:

The film, jaw-droppingly good and very satisfying and somehow containing Meryl Streep at her unbelievable best, describes New York as a horrible, horrible place of people who never say goodbye on the phone, who do not give a shit about each other, who cannot live without car services, and who live secure in the belief, as the film’s not–Anna Wintour puts it, that “Everybody wants this. Everybody wants to be us.”

The Observer on The Break-Up:

The Break-Up is instead about a relationship as a superficial arrangement; the actors are reduced to their conventional relationship wants and needs, not their romantic ones. In The Break-Up, the terms are, or have become, practical, not passionate. The film portrays modern cohabitation: Xbox headsets, convenient live-in situations, real estate, e-mail break-ins, e-mail, text-messaging, work-life balance.

Which is fine. Surprising, but … fine. The only thing we wonder is, when Robert De Niro comes, will they only be allowed to cover movies that star Chloe Sevigny and Jason Schwartzman?

The Devil Wears Prada Premiere [Choire Sicha, New York Observer]
Defending Break-Up [Suzy Hansen, New York Observer]

Well folks, as Keith Kelly mentioned last week, the sale of the New York Observer to Robert De Niro and friends is a done deal.

And while the Post found this item relevant for a blurb in their daily, New York devoted a few pages to praise the "sweaty" paper with its "quirky" writers and "nonstop attitudinizing." Of course, we love the Observer. We appreciate the three thousand word articles, insider scoops, and devotion to gossipy news.

The Observer has a disproportionate importance because its subjects and wannabe subjects are its readers, all of whom have a disproportionate sense of their own importance.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up on our end.

Surrender the Pink! [Kurt Andersen, New York]

• Are we supposed to be picketing Wal-Mart or applying for jobs there? [NY Sun]

• Robberies may be up, but look at the bright side: violent crime is down. [Newsday]

• It wasn't the killer cabby's seizures that made him crash. Or the music. And he didn't pass out. Despite the passengers seeing him seizure and turn up the music, it was just bad brakes. [NYDN]

• Well, turns out movie makers will have to feed the meters in order to park their big ass trailers. When Roert De Niro takes over the Observer, we expect coverage. [amNY]

• No matter what their body type is, kids in Harlem will just never be good enough for mainstream media coverage. [Gothamist]

• Swinging on wires is the new way to see New York. [Curbed]

• Tribeca has now been dubbed "Triburbia." And even though we're sure NYU kids have been babysitting down there for years, this little trend piece could mean a huge marketing challenge for Robert De Niro come film festival time [NY Sun]

• Around here, you have a good chance of random Hondas hitting you once … [Newsday]

• But it's the cabs that'll run you over again and again. [NYDN]

• Does this old people proof cellphone ring mean that someday we won't be able to hear all those cellphones ringing when we take the F over the bridge? Maybe there is a god after all. [NYT]

Uhhh, we have no idea how this one slipped past Mediabistro, Romenesko, and us (maybe because it was buried at the bottom of Keith Kelly's column) but … he's reporting that the New York Observer is good as sold.

A deal is near between Robert DeNiro and associates at the TriBeCa Film Festival and Arthur Carter over the sale of Carter's New York Observer.

"It's as close to a done deal as it's been since Conrad Black," said one source …

Current negotiations involve DeNiro and his TriBeCa partners, Jane Rosenthal and her husband, real estate financier Craig Hatkoff. They reportedly have no problem with Carter continuing to write editorials.

Well, we guess this moment was inevitable. We just hope Robert De Niro continues to promote the great non-fiction journalism those guys are cranking out.

Media Ink [Keith Kelly, New York Post]
Earlier: Robert De Niro Has Tribeca, Wants the Observer

• There may be more to the Jude Law/Sienna Miller story than first thought (made up?). Friends of the actress report the sad news that Miller recently suffered a miscarriage. Her reps deny the story. Us Weekly holds its breath.

• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher "absolutely married" over the weekend, claims Fox 411's Roger Friedman. He's spoken to some wedding guests, even, and assures us they're not paid Punk'd flacks.

• White Kate Moss heads to rehab, daughter Lila Grace is being fought for by daddy Jefferson Hack. But what if it's not Hack, but Jude Law, whose seed created the model daughter?

• Model Carmen Kass passed out at Prada's Milan show, with some "suspecting" she might be carrying the spawn of partner Eric Lobron. Though we "suspect" her condition looks a little more like Kate Moss than Heidi Klum.

• After firing kleptomaniac maid Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz, Robert DeNiro is doing some of his own housecleaning, firing long-time butler, Frederick. Meanwhile, wife wife Grace Hightower remains the true domestic disturbance.

• Is Jennifer Aniston already done with Vince Vaughn? We heard she'd moved on to 7th Heaven's Geoff Stults, but now that Star's reporting it, you know there must be some truth.

• Lindsay Lohan was once again spotted with Bruce Willis, giving more heat to the rumors that ex-wife Demi Moore isn't the only cradle robber.

• Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz, the housekeeper of Robert De Niro's wife Grace Hightower, says she intentionally stole from those who were disrespectful, which is why she didn't lift anything from Isabella Rossellini.

• The Apprentice cruise has got former cast members of the reality show flummoxed by fans' obsessions with their lives. Us too, as they're 15 minutes ended at least 20 minutes ago.

• Kate Moss dropped $3 million on a new condo in L.A., rumored to be a way for her to ditch trouble-making boyfriend Pete Doherty.

• Speaking of ditching, Clay Aiken put his L.A. pad on the market as he returns home to North Carolina — where the closets are much darker.

• Robert Downey Jr. will be skipping this weekend's MTV VMA's to wed Susan Levin at Ron Perelman's estate in East Hampton.

• Kathy and Rick Hilton at Marquee in the wee hours of the night? Suddenly Butter seems hip again.

• Now you can wear The O.C., thanks to an exclusive deal with Amazon.com. So get to TJ with your tin of pills wearing a sequin tube top just like Marissa!