To the dismay of warm-blooded males and Woody Allens everywhere, Scarlett Johansson got herself married off in a quickie ceremony this past weekend. The 23-year old bombshell wed actor Ryan Reynolds, best known for his work in Blade:Trinity and for his ability to resemble a slightly more angular Dane Cook. The small ceremony took place in Vancouver, attended only by the immediate family of the bride and groom. Barack Obama was not present, despite the pair's close friendship.

This wedding came as a shock to the majority of the world who hadn't bothered keeping tabs on who ScoJo was boning, but the couple became engaged in May after a year of dating, and held a "rushed" ceremony this past weekend. How long, do you think, before Scarlett and her hubbie (who is coincidentally Alanis Morissette's second most famous ex after Dave Coulier) announce they are expecting? Canadians celebrities have ambiguous shotgun weddings too, you know.

Or perhaps the quick marriage was to ensure Johansson's Canadian citizenship, just in case McCain wins the election and the actress needs to save face by moving to Canada, the way all those liberals in 2004 threatened to do if Bush was reelected.

• Page Six uncovers that Matthew McConaughey doesn't use deodorant. Here's hoping that his next People profile reveals his toilet paper consumption.

• Bart Simpson, or rather Bart Simpson's voice, Nancy Cartwright, gave $10 million to Scientology. Residual checks well spent!

• Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson go all the way and hold hands in public.

• Avril Lavigne enjoys her last few weeks with a bikini body.

• Jessica Alba is having a boy. Whatever, unless you're buying a onesie for her, you have no business caring about this.

• Good news: If you like picturing celebrities doing menial labor, some has done the Photoshopping work for your imagination.

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• The sky is falling! No, wait, that's just Teri Hatcher's face.

• We don't have to travel back in time to remind ourselves that Kevin Federline is a weasel.

• Is it wrong that we like Ryan Reynolds even more now that we now he has zero plans to adopt an African orphan anytime in the near future?

• Maria Sharapova may have lost only 2 games so far in 4 straight sets of tennis, but Anna Kournikova's still the only one who can carry off a potato sack.

• Britney Spears to disappear. Sheesh, it's about frickin' time!

• For the last time, Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans are not dating, okay? They're just getting ridiculously drunk and then fucking afterwards.

• Producers are still looking for the next Biggie Smalls. And apparently, it's not this guy.

• Jay-Z: What baby?

• Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds make things official. "Official," in the sense that she's obnoxious and he's hot.

• Liz Hurley's new in-laws not so fond of her, or their treatment at her wedding.

• Justin Timberlake: Prick. But rich. And doable.

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• Ryan Reynolds dumps fiance Alanis Morissette for refusing to go down on him in a theater.

• Vanessa Minnillo drops the F bomb again after Nick Lachey is approached by a J. Simp lookalike.

• And here's what it feels like to accidentally ogle Denise Richards' vagina.

• Gabrielle Union wants the world to know she and Derek Jeter aren't dating; they're just fuckbuddies, like Diddy and Sienna Miller.

• Bill Gates denies that all PC users are "dullards." Then a third grade bully screams, 'Only nerds use words like "dullards," GEEK!'

• Sienna Miller shoves a photog for catching her with her pants on.

• As the host of the CFDAs, Jeremy Piven tried his band geek moves on Karolina Kurcova. [R&M]

• But things didn't really work out, so in true Ari Gold style, he tried to pick up some Bungahos at the after party. And when that didn't work out, he took his overly testosteroned rage out on Stephen Dorff. [Page Six]

• If stalking her ex will keep Nicole Richie from starving to death, we guess it's a small price to pay. [Scoop]

• Kevin Federline has moved to the basement, where his bong sessions and rap practice won't bother anybody. [Us Weekly]

• Alanis Morrissette and Ryan Reynolds call it kaputz. We found the fact that they were dating in the first place a little too ironic, but we hope the break-up inspires more "You Oughta Know" ballads. [People]