NBC may have paid $1 million for Paris Hilton's interview – outbidding ABC by some $900k – but what did Ryan Seacrest and E! have to pay for access?

Nothing.

CONTINUED »

• Christina Aguilera tricks her new hubby into wearing an effeminate grass skirt by telling him, "You are beautiful. No matter what they say."

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson's adulterous affair-turned-relationship is over, even before it "officially" ever began.

• Thanks to Sarah Silverman, Cisco Adler's balls will be hanging around for just a little while longer.

• Victoria Beckham defies gravity and mandatory pants-or-skirt requirement in this revolutionary corset singlet.

• Watch out Lindsay—there's a new hottie in town. And she doesn't have "mandatory drug-testing" written into her employment agreement.

• Who knew Ryan Seacrest acting like himself could be so damn hilarious?

Did you hear about Ellen falling down, hurting her back and being put on mandatory bed rest? Well, apparently a horrific injury wasn't enough to prevent her from yakking it up on her daytime talk show. So, the laid-up lesbian lass did what anyone in her (horizontal) position would have done: she hosted the most recent episodes of the Ellen DeGeneres Show straight from her hospital bed—while gabbing with celebrity guests on adjoining gurneys.

CONTINUED »

First off, kudos to Us Weekly, who managed to score actual celebrities for Thursday night's Hot Hollywood party in L.A. Remember when Star editorial director Bonnie Fuller tried lining up a few notables for her book party and forgot that her magazine might have insulted them and enraged their handlers?

But there's Lindsay Lohan, Ciara, Rose McGowan, Ashley Simpson, David Arquette, Ali Larter, Justin Chambers, and Lauren Conrad. (Okay, that last one doesn't count.)

Also making appearances? Ryan Seacrest and Carmen Electra, of course, otherwise known as the best friends of Us's online chief Ken Baker, who's holding the mic, next to Brandi Williams. Not that we're implying there's anything less than sanitary about this synergy of personal and business interests, of course. The way Ryan makes his entrance on the American Idol stage is certainly worthy of style recognition, as is the way Carmen moves those bottles of NV.

At last, our questions have been answered. Just what is going on between Us Weekly online chief Ken Baker and biz partner and publicity playpal Ryan Seacrest?

This UsMagazine.com post explains it all. Or just click the image.

Just how close are Us Weekly web chief Ken Baker and American Idol host-slash-E! News managing editor-slash-On Air radio show host? "Thisclose," in the parlance of print gossip copy.

It's no secret the twosome have a special relationship, made public to watchful insiders after Baker (working with Us paparazzi pals Flynet) helped Seacrest set up Teri Hatcher with a documented smoochfest. But ever since Baker took over Us' online operations, Seacrest's name and pictures have been popping up with the frequency of a Greg Lindsay byline.

Factor in Baker's being a regular on Seacrest's On Air radio show – which Ken refers to as "my radio show," a source says – and the synergy becomes quite apparent. (Also, it's Kick Us' Ass Around Day 'round these parts.)

Apparent except to, say, Us maestra Janice Min, who continues to turn a blind eye to her former No. 2's antics, an Us insider tells us. (Min hasn't replied to our request for comment.)

So where can we find Ryan's free publicity popping up on UsMagazine.com? There's the Tuesday item about Heather Mills, the Friday plug of Ryan on Us's web video program, and the Thursday item plugging Seacrest's radio show where news broke of Sacha Baron Cohen's coming child. As anyone with an Internet connection could find out, the frequency of the Seacrest sightings on Us' website have increased since Ken took the reigns.

CONTINUED »

Alright, for those of you who watched last night's American Idol and are already demanding a recap—back off. (Seriously. The show is on like eight times a week, and those recaps take time, people!) That said, we wanted to assure you that we did, in fact, see the show, and yes, we certainly enjoyed the amazingly awkward banter between judge Simon Cowell and (horribly dressed) host Ryan Seacrest. Especially the part where Seacrest may or may not have been outed:

Seacrest: Simon, any advice on the high heels?
Cowell: You should know, Ryan!
Seacrest: (awkward pause) Stay out of my closet!
Cowell: Come out!

What'd we tell you? Pure television magic! Anyhow, seeing as we're far too lazy busy to write an actual in-depth summary of last night's episode at present,** we figured we'd tide you over with this poignant video clip, that comes to us courtesy of our gay younger brother, Queerty.

**That's an afternoon job!

In what we promise will be the last Grammy-related post of the day, below is a transcript of the Mayer/Seacrest interview from the pre-show red carpet.

You know, the one where Mayer speaks in Japanese and, oh yeah, possibly outs the not-very-well-closeted Ryan Seacrest?

Yep, that's right, apparently in addition to mocking Seacrest with his superior linguistic abilities, Mayer also managed to start things off by unleashing the Best Opening Remark Of All Time.

Remember that oft-quoted scene from Jerry Maguire where Renee Zellweger tells Tom Cruise, "you had me at hello?"

Well, Mayer 'had us' from the moment he enthusiastically greeted Seacrest with, "You're the Anderson Cooper of E!"

And how.

The full awkward interview transcript after the jump.

CONTINUED »

Don't worry: It's still going to be parted slightly to the left, and it will still have blond highlights, but it will be shorter—not crazy-short, but shorter. And count on the fact that it will be spiky. Possibly even more so. Some may resent the change, but change is necessary if we want to keep Idol fresh and vital.

–Ryan Seacrest, in "Ryan Seacrest Nervous About How Audiences Will Respond To Slightly Shorter Haircut" via The Onion.**

**Sadly, this story is completely made-up.

• Wax likenesses of Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell to be jeered at, pelted with flaming dog poo by those 'ugly, untalented people' they embarrassed on national tv.

• Barack Obama to smoke Hillary Clinton all the way to the White House.

• Is there any reason used-up celebrities agree go on embarrassing "celebreality" show other than cash and notoriety? [Ed: No].

• Angelina Jolie reportedly concerned that her sister-in-law stayed so buddy-buddy with Jennifer Aniston. Related: Angelina Jolie gets jealous? Of other people??

• Clint Eastwood face gets younger with every passing day, as Dirty Harry ignores the cautionary tale that is Janice Dickenson.

• The Treasury Department turns a blind eye to the hardships of low-vision Americans, claiming they spent all their dough on "those annoying wheelchair ramps."

• Was Alicia Keys arrested? Or maybe she just likes walking like a prisoner. [Media Take Out]

• All this because a lot of people just really wanted to hear some Clay Aiken. [Reuters]

• Okay, so we know that Ryan Seacrest has no life, but why make it more uncomfortable by adding Tyra Banks into the mix? [NYDN]

Exclusive

News broke in May that Us Weekly was working with the FBI to investigate a rash of hacking into its computer system. The suspect? Former staffer and current paparazzi agency head Jill Ishkanian, who was accused of stealing information about Charlie Sheen. Last month it was revealed Us' systems weren't so secure: not only could Ishkanian access the tabloid's email, but so could the very celebrities the mag writes about, thanks to rank abuse of staffer Amy Sultan username and password. But aside from being able to scoop Us at its own game – which, to be fair, is a pretty big deal – thus far the scurry to close the leak hasn't had a big item on which to pin Janice Min's fear. Thanks to the wide open net our inbox casts, we've got at least one rumor on which we can lay our suspicions.

I know exactly what Us Weekly is now terrified will eventually come out in the investigation. Do you remember the Ryan Seacrest/Teri Hatcher in Malibu kissing pictures taken on March 25, 2006, that ran EXCLUSIVELY in Us Weekly? No surprise to savy media watchers, but it seems the pix were a set up, (without poor Hatcher's knowledge) between Us' West Coast Editor Ken Baker and his longtime BFF Ryan Seacrest. There is serious concern that there are now copies of those incriminating e-mails now floating around cyberspace that prove the two were involved in setting up the Desperate Housewives star. With ABC owning half of Us Weekly, how will it look to the bigwigs there to have Hatcher, their biggest star, made an object of ridicule, or a temporary beard for the American Idol host?

Ken Baker involved in under-the-radar spin? Psshaw!

Related: Former Us Staffer Especially Didn't Steal Info on Charlie Sheen
Related: FBI to Stop Us Weekly From Handing Out Passwords to Former Employees

• It's not all bad news for Julia Roberts. Afterall, there's always presenting the Tony's. [AMNY]

• Really? Sandra Bullock is still being stalked? Publicists are getting oh so very creative these days. [E!]

• In preparation for American Idol tonight, you should watch Kevin Spacey make fun of drunk Paula Abdul. It's better than watching the show, don't you think? [Pop Muse]

• If the mention of Paris Hilton makes you cringe, we bet Queen Elizabeth is doing somersaults in her grave. [Page Six]

• Oh sill Us Weekly. Ryan Seacrest can do whatever he wants … we still won't like him either way. [Us Weekly]

• Is Leslie Sloan crazy? We wish somebody would offer to take Britney Spears off our hands. [Lowdown]

• Meanwhile, Brit struggles to finds someone to take over her pesky New York apartment. [NYO]

• We pity the fool who decides to take advice from Mr. T. [MSNBC]

• Thank god we don't have to pretend to be good citizens by watching Geena Davis on TV anymore. [CNN]

• Teri Hatcher should consider her hot minute with Ryan Seacrest a blessing — Oprah talks always help book sales. [Us]

• Paula Abdul stopped her drunken crying to have a truly delusional moment. She announced that Simon Cowell wants to marry her. [MSNBC]

This morning on Ellen, Ryan Seacrest proved that while he may not be able to dance, he can indeed straddle tables. We're just saying, those legs spread wide.

(Clip available on Vimeo)

• Katie Couric should take all the luck she can get. [AP]

• Today in Britney Spears' uterus: Us Weekly says "Yes! She's Pregnant!" We say, aw no … not again. [Us Weekly]

• Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul continue to brawl. Too bad they won't just stab each other and call it a day. [People]

• Wait, people are quitting the Economist? But, we thought it was the best publication ever to exist in the history of media! [FBNY]

• Just when you thought you'd heard the last from Cindy Margolis, she lands right smack in the middle of Playboy. [AP]

Let's play a game Jossip likes to call "Who's the Dumbest Person on Television?" We vote for the dude who wants to jet ski in a hurricane, and the whigger who wants to get his ass beat with a frying pan.

Luckily, we have Intern Molly, our special television correspondent, to gather all the freakshows up and put their charming quotes in a Simon Cowell filled Easter basket for you to skip around with.

Or, y'know, just read. The top five are after the jump … and they're totally worth it. Ryan Seacrest even made us laugh … out loud.

10. "Heaven and hell, earth, power, wind, force, make me listen and my strength will be my source." —Jade, ANTM

9. "Actually, I AM a lesbian, and the fact is I CAN take any one of your girls any day of the week! This is why I hate people."—Paula, Real World: Key West

8. "Our food was fly."—Stephen (the whitest man ever), Top Chef

7. "She's looking good from afar, but when we get close she is looking far from good."—Adrian proving his wit on 8th & Ocean

6. "I'm not your bitch, bitch."—Dave, Top Chef

CONTINUED »

• Though we're not sure that Jennifer Lopez can keep enough clothes on to make a Middle Eastern show appropriate, at least some people somewhere still want to see her perform. [Page Six]

• Alicia Keys succumbs to the hottest new celebrity trend — visiting Africa! It's totally the new St. Tropez. [TMZ]

• We try not to spend too much time thinking about the fact that Ryan Seacrest can buy a $11.5 million home. [People]

• For the first time in years, Britney Spears does not make it onto the FHM 100 sexiest women poll. Even though she brushed her hair and put on shoes, still not hot. [RTE]

• What's so special about a feud between two Kiss cover bands comprised of only little people? Um, we're gonna' go with everything. [Page Six]

• Because people expect nothing but the worst crap ever from Paris Hilton, when she manages to do anything other than fall on her face drunk, the world gasps in awe and calls it talent. The day she wins a Grammy, the music might actually die. [LAT]

• Two tickets to see Madonna at Madison Square Garden, will only set you back, oh, slightly less than a grand. Hell, throw in a decent meal for you and a date, and you could make it an even thousand. [Brooklyn Vegan]

• Apparently, most people would rather talk to themselves than to Michael Eisner. [TV Newser]

• Leonardo DiCaprio goes from Gisele Bündchen to Lindsay Lohan. Kind of like how he went from The Basketball Diaries to The Beach. [A Socialite's Life]

• You might want to put down that Tasti D-Lite. Photos of Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher making out should not be viewed while snacking. [Us Weekly]

• When bloggers don’t write books, they find new blogs to write for. In addition to his persy project, R8, Ben Smith is set to join Uncle Mort at the Daily News for their new blog, The Daily Politics. [Politicker]

• Thanks to Kevin Federline and his new "drop," come August, we’ll all be polishing our guns. [MSNBC]

• The Nation rocks the boat with their new blog. Wittingly called The Notion. [Notion]

• Ok, it was all a big prank. But this doesn't at all mean Ryan Seacrest is straight. [Trentonian]

• AMI snatches another Hachetteite. David Leckey joins his pals David Pecker and John Miller over at One Park. [Media Week]

• Holy blognerds. The New York Observer got something even better than permalinks: a real blog. [The Daily Observer]

• Consumers are buying billion of dollars worth of iPods and accessories. Coming next: the iPod hearing aids. (All those Jane girls are gonna' look pretty freakin' stupid with a Belltone.) [NYT]