• Victoria Beckham to perform with the Pussycat Dolls, presumably because she encapsulates their unique brand of slim physique and questionable vocals.

• Meanwhile, Mariah Carey is mistaken for Britney Spears, presumably due to her propensity for gaining weight and history of cinematic abortions.

• Salma Hayek gives birth, but the world was too busy staring at Nicole Richie's protruding belly to notice.

• Finally! Someone admits Sex and the City would have been a whole lot sexier if the women on the show were still pre-menopausal.

• Jennifer Aniston has never looked happier than she does on the set of He's Just Not That Into You. Does anyone else find that strangely disconcerting?

• Despite being locked up in a Utah rehab center, Lindsay Lohan has nonetheless managed to procure herself illegal drugs and "sex in a toilet cubicle" (or, as her counselors call it, "pulling a Larry Craig.")

• Britney Spears found guilty of child wardrobe abuse! Also, her crappy new single hits airwaves next week, much to the delight of snarky gossip columnist and YouTube parodists everywhere.

• Boycott the Olsens new clothing line! Because they're promoting the slaughter of cute little animals. And, well, because they expect you to shell out $150 for a faux-vintage t-shirt.

• Salma Hayek is totally looking forward to motherhood! Especially the part where she and her mysterious baby-daddy Francois-Henri Pinault live in complete separate continents.

• Hilary Swank shows off her brand-new A-cups in the the designer bikini version of the cheesy "tuxedo t-shirt."

• You know you're looking a mess when your fellow prison inmate describes your current weave by saying, "Her hair looks like whoever did it ran."

• Salma Hayek remains fashionable despite having a raging case of "bowling ball stomach." Related: Hayek's future offspring already struggling with childhood obesity.

• Paula Abdul: "I haven’t had one ounce of work done, contrary to what every plastic surgeon may believe.”

• Al Gore continues to blame all world's problems on gossip. Related: We caused global warming, social security debacle and tensions with Iran!

• Britney Spears admits she "hit rock bottom," then steals our punchline by admitting she was "like a bad kid running around with ADD."

• Check it out, our gay younger brother Queerty got a brand new makeover! (And take our word for it—he totallyIMAGE needed the manscaping).

• Paris Hilton's nemesis, Shanna Moakler, has only well-wishes for her sometimes adversary. Kidding! Moakler is way too bitchy for that.

I think it's terrible women are put in that position. Motherhood is not for everyone–it is for me, but there's no reason women should feel rushed to have a child. I don't know if you've noticed, but society thinks if you don't have children, you've failed as a woman, even if you are CEO of a company. You've got to be beautiful, smart, skinny, tall, rich, successful at your job, married to the right guy–and have genius children.

–Salma Hayek, in the May issue of Marie Claire magazine.

Congratulations to Salma Hayek!

Her rep has confirmed to Star magazine that Salma is pregnant., and that "she and her fiance, businessman Francois-Henri Pinault, are expecting their first child."

Which is so much more interesting than those "pregnancy or person-who-ingests-actual-food" photos we're generally subjected to. In any event, the Hayek confirmation proves an interesting twist in this recent celebrity pregnancy epidemic.

Let's take a look at the official scoreboard!

CONTINUED »

• Oops, Britney's comeback song may have been leaked onto YouTube! Meanwhile, pregnancy rumors abound, mainly cause Brit is fat and 'vomits a lot.'

• Lindsay Lohan enters rehab, while Leslie Sloane Zelnik avoids calling it "bullshit."

• A judge sentences a penitent Naomi Campbell to 5 days of community service for brutally bashing her maid. And you thought our legal system didn't work!

• Breaking: It turns out that gay guys actually don't like it when their superiors accidentally-on-purpose drop things and then tell them to "bend over and pick it up."

• In a desperate plea to save his job, Pat "Let's Get Some Coke And Get Wild" O'Brien breaks a BS-sounding story about how Salma Hayek's dog saved her life.

• Julia Roberts' bun in the oven is reportedly a boy; We can't wait until she sells freely distributes pics of the adorable [insert WASP name *here*]

• Careerbuilder offers this helpful guide to become the Most Annoying Office Stereotype since Dilbert.

• Penelope Cruz laughs off rumors that she's a lesbian…then looks for her next not-even-remotely-straight boyfriend.

• In a bit of disturbing news, Director John Waters wants to be K-Fed's "rebound" guy.

• Meanwhile, K-Fed weighs his options: it's either custody of the kids, or else "giant piles of money."

• Courtney Thorne-Smith marries her agent despite his inability to get her anything besides crappy, network tv roles.

• In addition to being a crappy comedian, Carrot Top also turns out to be "really scary-looking" up close.

• Here's what happens when good celebrities go fat.

• The guy behind the white powder envelopes that caused Keith Olbermann, among others, to freak out has been indicted.

• Today show clocks 11th consecutive year as the morning leader.

• Fox bets on Salma Hayek to repeat Ugly Betty's success.

• A how-to guide on how to write for Radar. The "not get paid" part is self-explanatory.

• Print out those resumes and sharpen those business cards, because magazine holiday parties are the place to network.

• Remember when TVNewser prided itself on not spreading salacious gossip? Turns out there's a fine line between rumor mongering and warning of imminent disaster.

• Glad we've got a timeline in place for calling Augusten Burroughs the next James Frey.

• Liz Spiers launching blog aimed at the jet setting CEO/FO/OO crowd. Also, a new blog for pot smokers.

• Renown New York playwright Wendy Wasserstein may have passed, but her legend will surely live on. And for some crazy reason it doesn't, we're sure New York magazine can make it happen. [AP News]

• Salma Hayek figures out why Jennifer Aniston is such a bitch. [Entertainment Wise]

• Because last month's 105 Time Inc. layoffs weren't enough, chief Ann Moore today added 66 job cuts (and 34 buyout offers) to that number. [AdAge]

• Surprise, surprise Tom Cruise wins a Razzie Award. Ew, we feel kind of dirty saying that for some reason. [People]

• The world really is a sex machine. Aaron Sorkin gets more than a mention in the latest memoir of a hooker. [R & M]

• The MTA adopts another form of transportation for the union workers to refuse to drive. The Jamaica bus line. [NY1]

• Gross! Who in God’s name wants to hear about Gael Green’s sex romps? [Page Six]

• Oooh, look! It’s Ted Koppel’s first Op-Ed. Break out the picture frames, everyone. [E & P]