• Sports Illustrated knows it demographic and its fantasies. The magazine is running a spread with Heidi Klum all over Will Ferrell.

• The theme of the next issue of W magazine is beautiful women who overcome unflattering birthmarks on their face. The cover stars: Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman.

CONTINUED »

• Victoria Beckham finally admits her boobies are fake, but claims they're only a 32B. Riiiiight.

• Scarlett Johansson has a nose ring! And it's not a slutty vegan side-stud so much as a giant, ugly cow-loop. Nice moooove, ScarJo.

• Also, way to wear fat-shorts.

• Pete Doherty pleads guilty to drug charges, which really puts a damper in his whole "smack and needle-free wedding" plan.

• Serena Williams manages to overcome rain delays and painful leg cramps to overtake her much-less-intimidating opponent at Wimbledon.

• Star Jones dry-humping her gay husband wins the "Most Disturbing Image Of The Day" award.

• Eva Longoria and Jessica Simpson pretend to be lesbian lovers. Which would've been hotter if Jess hadn't accidentally dressed up as a tranny. Again.

• Despite wearing designer duds to the Costume Institute Gala, Lindsay Lohan nevertheless finds a way to show side-boob. The bad kind.

• Meanwhile, ScarJo borrows Britney Spears' stylist, pairs slutty mini-frock with fishnets.

• And the evening's surprise success story? Marc Jacobs. Who would have thought alcoholism, rehab and contact lenses could have such an impact?

• Marilyn Manson's new video "may be inappropriate for viewers under the age of 16." Fortunately for Manson, girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood is a ripe ol' 17!

Condaleezza Rice stunned us yesterday by admitting her partiality for the Fox News network, and now—in another shocking announcement—we've learned that Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have abruptly ended their passionate love affair.

They've issued the following statement to clear up any rumors that might be surrounding their split:

It has always been our preference not to comment on the status of our relationship but, out of respect for the time we've spent together, we feel compelled to do so now, in light of recent speculation and the number of inaccurate stories that are being reported by the media.

We have, in fact, ended our romantic relationship, and have done so mutually and as friends, with continued love and respect for one another.

Wait a minute, the media has been reporting inaccurate stories about them? Man, this is just like the time the mainstream media printed all those inaccurate stories about Iraq and caused us to lose that damn Iraq war!**

Seriously someone really ought to commend them for their maturity and civility in this obviously difficult time. Except, on further inspection, the statement doesn't really clear up any of those inaccuracies at all! In fact, it doesn't even address rumors about how Justin went behind Cam's back to bang Scarlett Jo in his next music video even after she screamed at him for eating in her presence! All we really know is, well, they're not together anymore. Which, we gotta confess, we kinda already suspected.

**according to the conservative "crazies."

• Scarlett Johansson is almost as happy with her body as Woody Allen is. [People]

• No more hot female employees for Jude Law. He now spends his nights forcing his hot male assistant to distract him from checking out any tail while they bar hop. [Lowdown]

• Why is it that people in the Hampton's are so stuffy? God forbid a nice Italian family run a sucessful family business. [Page Six]

• Fabulous news, people. Lindsay Lohan may finally start crowding up the hospitals in London instead of here. [Scoop]

• Crazy Joe Simpson can no longer rely on the careers of his daughters to keep him afloat. So he's taking up one of the industries oldest trades: paparazzo.

In the spirit of the holidays, our boss is letting us un-chain ourselves from our computers so that we can see sunlight and attend to the carpal tunnel syndrome that has begun to develop in our limbs. All in the name of serving you, of course! We will be back in action on December 27th, bringing you the much anticipated "2005 Jossy Awards" along with (hopefully) lots of other holiday party gossip. Ok, enough of the logistics. Here's more of the stuff you read this site for:

• It's nice to know that Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett have such an open relationship. [Defamer]

• Lindsay Lohan's hair will fall out if she keeps dying it. Make-over solution? Get some fake glasses. [People]

• Nicole Richie update: When people who wish she were dead are trying to keep her alive, maybe it's time to eat something. [Star]

• Tried as it may have, 2005 did not spawn any new musical trends. Except for the one where celebrities who can't sing at all make records. And that trend just sucked. [NYDN]

• Because they just wouldn't stop e-mailing us about it, here you go: Tabloid Baby named Anderson Cooper person of the year. [Tabloid Baby ]

Happy Holidays! And because we are going to be passed out on the floor for the next week, don't forget to send us all of your juicy festivus gossip: tattle@jossip.com