When MSNBC.com's Scoop gossip column ran an item on Monday claiming Will Smith was a Scientologist, Sony Pictures flipped its wig and demanded the story be taken offline immediately. You see, Sony is the film studio behind July's Hancock, starring Smith, and it would be very bad for business if their blockbuster star suddenly was in the press because of his newfound cult instead of his new superhero flick.

But MSNBC's got balls: They refused to take the story offline. That forced Sony's hands, which meant Smith quickly issued a denial statement. He remains a Christian, he claims, and just because he's friends with Tom Cruise doesn't make him a Thetan freak.

"You don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise. I am a Christian. I am a student of all religions. And I respect all people and all paths." That's Will Smith responding to claims and and wife Jada have drank the Scientology juice now that they're friends with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

And for the record: When Will Smith donated, in 2004, $20,000 to HOPE: The Hollywood Education and Literacy Program – Scientology's "literacy program" that encourages homeschooling – he was not advocating any of Scientology's principles any more so than donating money to the Christian Children's Fund to save starving African children affirms your belief that Jesus is your savior.

It's just a coincidence, then, that since Smith made that donation, his children have been home schooled.

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• Page Six uncovers that Matthew McConaughey doesn't use deodorant. Here's hoping that his next People profile reveals his toilet paper consumption.

• Bart Simpson, or rather Bart Simpson's voice, Nancy Cartwright, gave $10 million to Scientology. Residual checks well spent!

• Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson go all the way and hold hands in public.

• Avril Lavigne enjoys her last few weeks with a bikini body.

• Jessica Alba is having a boy. Whatever, unless you're buying a onesie for her, you have no business caring about this.

• Good news: If you like picturing celebrities doing menial labor, some has done the Photoshopping work for your imagination.

[Photo]

This introduction video is one of at least a few versions Scientology hopefuls screen before they're led to an E-Meter and asked to fill out their bank routing and account numbers. It was shot by an operative with a handicam, and show's the Church's logic at its best: "If you leave this room after seeing this film, and walk out, and never mention Scientology again, you are perfectly free to do so. It would be stupid, but you could do it. You can also dive off a bridge and blow your brains out, that is your choice. But if you don't walk out that way, if you continue with Scientology, we will be very happy with you, and you will be very happy with you."

At the very least, we'll commend the host's script for being nothing but concise: Joining Scientology is a decision you're free to make, but so is, of course, diving off a bridge and blowing your brains out.

They're all about options over there.

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ALL BAD PRESS IS GOOD BAD PRESS The Church of Scientology is taking a new viewpoint on unsolicited publicity: bring it on. After the leaking of an internal Scientology video that's racked up millions of views, the Church now says the exposure was entirely worth it, since they popped up on search engines' most-searched-for lists. Which is sort of like a teenage girl who gets trashed by her classmates on MySpace saying she's grateful for the attention. [P6]

Hey everybody! Look at Tom Cruise! The whiny baby can't handle his own fights. He needs fellow stars like Adam Sandler to take to the press to defend his good name.

"To see anyone's private life invaded and mocked like this is sickening," says Sandler in a statement, which nobody really asked him to issue. "It's especially gross when it happens to a guy like Cruise, who's a great dad, a great husband, and a great friend." Adverse reaction of releasing this statement? Fueling rumors that you're the next Will Smith, getting sucked into the confines of Scientology only to be heard again from Oprah's couch.

As the June release date of Sandler's You Don't Mess with the Zohan draws near, expect the battle cries to grow louder.

If you're sick of watching Tom Cruise, but not done making fun of him for being a scientologist, this clip of Jerry O'Connell mocking Tom Cruise's indoctorination video should hit the spot.

[Funny or Die]

If you know jack about Scientology, you know they love their acronyms. In the creepy clip from MSNBC about the creepy Tom Cruise Scientology video, Cruise points at a picture of L. Ron Hubbard and says, “To LRH.”

JHC, that struck us as weird. To LRH? As in what? Thanks LRH for KH and SC? For the MI franchise and my appearance on O?

But still, “To LRH” could work at a wedding, or more probably, the first round of PBRs at CC66 in GP. This could be the new “Making it count,” LdC’s toast from Titanic.

Everybody talks about Scientology, but nobody does anything about it. This is an answer: subtle mockery.

Initial definitions after the jump.

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Ian Halperin isn't letting Andrew Morton get all the sales from Scientology scandal. On Tuesday, Random House is out with the author's book Hollywood Undercover, where Halperin poses as a gay actor to "infiltrate the Chuch," which promised to cure him of the homo curse.

Halperin "recounts his bizarre tour of the Scientology Celebrity Centre on Hollywood Boulevard and his visit to world headquarters where a Church cameraman documents his every move from behind a bush, and where an official offers to turn him straight through a series of courses called 'auditing,'" according the press release sent over. "In the process, he unravels the reason why so many Hollywood A-listers — including Cruise and John Travolta — are drawn to the religion, which has frequently been described as a cult."

Scintillating!

But Halperin is hip to the Web 2.0 age (whatever that means), which is why he's been uploading accompanying videos to YouTube for the past few months. This also lets him call his manuscript the first "YouTube Compatible Book," which is a little like calling iVillage.com the first "TV compatible website," but we'll roll with it.

So what kind of recorded antics did Halperin get himself into?

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By now, you better have seen that damn Scientology video starring Tom Cruise. But have you any idea what the hell he's talking about? He throws around terms like "KSW," "SP," and "PTS." Huh?

MSNBC gets to the bottom of things.

KSW: Keep Scientology Working
SP: Suppressive People ("anyone who dares criticize the cult")
PTS: Potential Trouble Sources

And then the awesome combo of PTS-SP: Potential Trouble Sources-Suppresive People.

Can you use them all in once sentence? "Katie, we need to KSW, so you stay on the lookout for PTS while I go on TRL and scout for SPs."

While Good Morning America scored a sit down with Katie Holmes on Monday, Diane Sawyer's refusal to ask any questions about, um, SCIENTOLOGY, makes its softball interview look like a steaming pile of PR-friendly crap next to Today anchor Meredith Vieira's chat this morning with Tom Cruise unauthorized biographer Andrew Morton.

While GMA executive producer Jim Murphy claims there was no contract in place that kept them from asking the hard questions in exchange for access to Holmes, few believe their story. (For his part, Murphy claims it was he who ended the interview early, angering Sawyer who didn't get a chance to get to the tough Qs. Take one for the team!)

Morton's book – which isn't being published in England, Australia, and New Zealand because of stringent libel laws – received the expected level of criticism from the Church of Scientology. It also received a skeptic's view from Meredith, who challenged Morton's claims that Cruise is the "de facto" second-in-command, that daughter Suri is the spawn of L. Ron Hubbard, or that Tom Cruise is "dangerous" (a statement he backtracked on in the interview). What's this? Not accepting someone's statements at face value! Tres nouveau!

After the jump, the full video of Tom Cruise's Scientology video that got some of this buzz going.

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• An internet exclusive: Naked pictures of Britney Spears.

• If you need a break from Britney's craziness, Paula Abdul is also crazy.

• And if you're not sick of Britney Spears's craziness, she may have realized that the paparazzo she's been intimate with was using her. Say it ain't so!

• Kim Cattrall is no Nicolette Sheridan, and is starting to look her age in a bathing suit. In other words, it's time to stop wearing bikinis.

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Today in crazy: a new, unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise says that Cruise is the second highest nut in Scientology. The book also gives credence to other scientologists’ claims Suri Cruise was conceived with frozen sperm from Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. The author, Andrew Morton, believe she’s a “Rosemary’s Baby” like toddler.

To the first accusation: Suri Cruise is too cute to be the daughter of anyone non-famous; to the second one: She is so adorable as to be evil.

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

Everyone's favorite Bauer pub (Hint: Not Life & Style, the "other" one) recently hired a private investigator to get to the bottom (or was it the top?) of longstanding rumors that Cruise is a high profile closet-case. The best he could come up with? "The rumors about Tom being gay come from his detractors—most of whom are former Scientologists."

Weird that so many former Scientologists are, coincidentally, same-sex oriented! And here we thought L. Ron Hubbard's disciples were all latent heterosexuals—like John Travolta.

• John Travolta and his Scientologist publicist Paul Bloch insist the actor is promoting Hairspray on Good Morning America simply because they asked first. It's has nothing to do with the Today show (where he castmates are appearing) and that Tom Cruise interview. Nothing.

• J. Lo's camp denies any notion of a split with Marc Anthony.

• Willa Ford set to play the rich, big-breasted blonde who recently died.

• Joe Francis indicted on two counts of tax evasion. Apparently the $3.78 million spent on his home in Punta Mita, Mexico, was not a valid business expense.

• Pink is suffering from the Dixie Chick's effect.

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• David Spade and Christina Applegate's cast offs hook up.

• Richard Gere still blaming Sly Stallone for starting the "gerbil in the ass" rumor.

• Scientology begins to stalk J. Lo and J. Car.

• Fabian Basabe's charges against former Bungalow 8 doorman Armin Amiri have been dropped by the DA. Something about "he made it up."

• Lizzie Grubman popped.

• Rosie O'Donnell kicks it with republicans, pads their coffers.

• There were fags before T.R. Knight, Lance Bass, and Neil Patrick Harris, you know.

Earlier this month, we brought news of how the alleged Britney Spears and Kevin Federline sex tape would come into play in their divorce. Namely: Kevin would hold it over Britney until she paid out for him and his X-rated adventure to go away. Now TMZ brings word that K-Fed has a few more tricks up his sleeve, even if his sleeve wasn't big enough to hold any gimmicks to increase ticket sales.

We're told he's given his lawyer the green light to turn the courthouse into a revolving door, with the endgame making it difficult for Britney to stage a comeback while the custody fight lingers. Britney can afford the expense, but it may not be worth the hassle, though she will never give up custody and she's already resigned herself to the fact that he has no interest in being part of the lives of their two kids.

And who is Kevin's lawyer? That'd be Mark Vincent Kaplan, who has also represented the Church of Scientology. Which means soon after Tom Cruise returns from another brainwashing session with Katie in the Maldives, he'll be in Malibu with a thetan laser aimed at Britney. Ain't that some shit.

From the comments board at lil' sis MollyGood comes this clairvoyant observation: After Suri's birth, Tom Cruise went on the Ellen show and titillated the audience with the promise of showing a picture of his and Katie Holmes' new charge. Except instead of producing a Polaroid, Tommy colored "in black felt (for hair) on the picture of some random baby. [...] He said that she had 'tons of curly black hair.' Curly."

Now fellow Scientologist Leah Remini says she's seen Suri. And what does she report? That Suri's hair is dark. And straight. Meanwhile, that "weird ass pic floating about the innernerd, of Katie 'holding' Suri, well, that baby has no hair at all…curly or straight."

Snap!

Suri Cruise so beautiful she defies real description [MollyGood]
Earlier: Suri Cruise is a Baby, Has Eyes, and Her Parents Will Keep Her

Us Weekly is working hard to distract us from their little Ken Baker-Ryan Seacrest-Teri Hatcher scandal. This week's cover story asks the question we've been mulling over mojitos for weeks: Where the hell is Suri Cruise? It's been three months, dammit, where are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes hiding that rent-a-child?

Three months after her birth, Baby Suri, is still unseen, even by the family’s closest friends. A source says Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show her off to fellow Scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston and Lisa Marie Presley. Even good pals Will and Jada Pinkett Smith supposedly have not met her, despite repeated calls to Cruise. “Every time, it’s a different excuse: He’s busy or Kate’s not feeling well,” says a source. ‘[The Smiths] think it’s so weird.”

Soon after the baby was born, photo agency WireImage approached multiple outlets (including Us) with the news that it would be offering pictures of Suri for auction. Days later, on May 11, before official bidding was even underway, the agency sent out an e-mail declaring that “the baby shoot is on hold for now. There is no additional info as to when this may happen or if it will even happen at all.”

Some important things to ponder: Even more puzzling than the three month absence of Suri is the three month absence of a story like this one in the tabloid. Why has it taken Us Weekly so long to pose the question? Perhaps it's because the tabloid was planning on taking part in bidding for the baby photos.

Meanwhile, when Cruise dumped her sister Lee Ann DeVette as his publicist in November, he picked Paul Bloch as his rep. Bloch, to be sure, also reps fellow Scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley. Is Bloch fully and formally on the outs with Janice Min & Co.? A cover story like this would insinuate as much.

Other rumors explaining an absent Suri include the tabloids not willing to pay enough for them. Though commissioning this cover story all but ensures there were never any photos put on the market. What details do you know?

Where is Suri? [Us Weekly]
Related: BREAKING: Tom Cruise dumps sister-publicist Lee Ann DeVette

Legal threats aren't foreign to us around Jossip HQ. Colin Farrell! Jennifer Aniston! Conde Nast! And just this week: Hearst! and the Church of Scientology!

As you read in Rush & Molloy this morning, Hearst's Harper's Bazaar editor Glenda Bailey is a mighty bit upset that exclusive photos of their August covergirl – a naked and pregnant Britney Spears – leaked across these here Internets. (The issue hits newsstands July 25.) Having shared small thumbnails of the images with our readers, we spent yesterday afternoon on the phone with Hearst attorney Debra Weaver, who demanded the images be taken down. Fair enough; they're entitled to argue their side of things.

But the most amusing part was Weaver's demand to know where the photos came from. "Did you get them from someone inside the magazine?" she wanted to know. Weaver explained Harper's was very concerned they had a leak inside the magazine. (Uh, you fucking think?) Since we're never in the business of revealing our sources, we didn't have much to say to Weaver and sent her on her merry way — thought we'd still like to take Weaver to lunch .. if Hearst is paying.

Meanwhile, we also heard from the Church of Scientology yesterday, who were none too pleased about our posting their orientation video that lacks any sort of interesting plotline or production budget (or, for that matter, any Tom Cruise cameos). We're standing by our claim of the video's newsworthiness (legal counsel can be so clever with their nouns), though our webhost has caved to their DCMA Infringement notice. So you won't be able to find that video on Jossip; but you can find it here.