Every journalist who is not too stupid or too full of himself to notice what is going on knows that what he does is morally indefensible.

So begins Janet Malcolm’s case study of journalistic betrayal, The Journalist and The Murderer. Fortunately, we are too full of ourselves to notice. Besides most “real” journalists would say that what we do isn’t morally indefensible in that sense anyway.

Malcolm never wrote about art editors, but in the age of photoshop there’s definitely material for an Adobe expose.

Like journalists, their job is complicated by their conflicting desires to sell magazines and be honest. Sure a Q&A will read better with heavy editing and Glamour might sell more covers with a thinner America Ferrera, but that doesn’t mean doing those things is right. And does the public deserve some of the blame for subconsciously wanting an Andy Roddick with bigger arms?

Well, these issues are too weighty for a Friday, but one thing is for sure: if you’re going to do touch ups, there’s no point in lying about which direction you’re going in.

Self art director Petra Kobayashi claims, “We retouch to make the models look bigger, healthier.”

Wow, their touchups are so subtle we barely noticed how fat the model above looks.

We don't read Self magazine on a regular basis (as evidenced by our need for ass-slimming yoga pants) but we've been known to pick up the occasional issue or two to help get us through a boring transatlantic flight. And as luck would have it, we happened to glance through this month's mag, where we flipped past the interview with the thinspirational *cough* cover girl, Kelly Clarkson and stopped short at the five page Cosmo-esque spread entitled "31 Days to Great Sex."

Could it be, we wondered, that Bonnie Fuller has found yet another magazine to morph into a sex bible devoid of editorial content?

A quick look at the masthead revealed that Lucy Daniziger was still listed as the EIC leaving us confused, slightly aroused and wondering: when did Self magazine become so, well, risqué?

Then, we saw this.

CONTINUED »

"Melt Off The Pounds!" proclaims Self magazine. "Shrink in 6 Days! Moves That Practically Do The Work For You."

Out of curiosity, does one of those so-called "moves" happen to be, oh, 4-5 hours of Photoshop?

No?

Well then, congratulations are in order, because—apparently—our glowing, rosie-cheeked perfectly toned Lumpty Lady has inadvertently stumbled upon the fountain of youth.

And we say, good for her!

After all, who could have ever predicted that the secret recipe for luminous skin and a tight, flat tummy would turn out to be copious amounts of alcohol, coupled with a strict crystal meth diet, an inexplicable aversion to panties and shitty song lyrics that make no sense?

• National Enquirer claims Anna Nicole Smith died of pneumonia, then undermines any/all credibility by running 100% photoshopped photos, based on actual graphic artists' imaginations.

• Rosie O'Donnell turns her wrath towards The View's token right-winger, Elisabeth Hasselbeck; Joy Behar huffily responds by saying, "I'm on the show too, you know."

• ABC's World News Tonight edges out NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams for the second straight week; Katie Couric, CBS, "holding steady" at a distant third place.

• SELF magazine gives chubby/unattractive sorority girls an opportunity to conform!

CONTINUED »

SELF was one of the mags that got all involved in the hype over Heather Graham's new show that really couldn't. So involved, in fact, they planned on putting the former Roller Girl on their April cover.

But then Emily's Reasons Why Not was cancelled after one freakin' episode, and not even the backdoor into 4 Times Square wanted her.

When Graham's much-hyped show bombed for ABC, Self Editor Lucy Danziger was in a momentary panic. On short notice she was able to snag "American Idol" Carrie Underwood, who agreed to fly from Nashville to New York for a photo shoot on Tuesday.

"We sent Heather flowers and told her we'd put her on the cover when she was involved in another project," Danziger said. "She totally understood."

Flowers: Conde Nast's way of saying, "sorry, but you're career totally tanked, and we no longer have any use for you." Which is actually surprisingly similar to Katie Couric's reaction to Sasha Coen on the Today Show this morning.

QUICK SELF SACRIFICE [Keith J. Kelly, NYP]

At one point in our lives, we cared about how we looked, and only because we were sometimes seen in public. During that time, we often read Self Magazine, the Conde Nast guide to looking like a tightrope walker.

And it's funny. We don't really remember them promoting eating anything, let alone, cookies. They have like 400 calories each! Conde's can't eat that stuff, they won't fit into their Sevens. Oh, wait. Is giving this 'gift' to their advertisers sort of like how anorexics are always trying to feed people and stuff? And what's Cookie gonna send now?

HOLIDAY SWAG WATCH: DAY ONE [Ad Age]