The Holmes backlash has been in effect for quite awhile now, what with her marrying that crazy guy and bearing his creepily-perfect alien love baby. But give credit where credit is due, Holmes isn't the worst actress in Hollywood today. (Melanie Griffith still gets work.)
Although fans of the Dark Knight were relieved when Maggie Gyllenhaal took over to play Katie's role, Holmes has always been one of those young actresses whose performance can best be described with words like "decent," "acceptable," and "passing." She was very good in Thank You For Smoking, actually. Unfortunately, as Mrs. Cruise tries to take Xenu's gospel to the Great White Way, her acceptable mediocrity isn't bowling over the Broadway audiences: CONTINUED »
Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.
weasel word \WEE-zul-WURD\ noun : a word used in order to mislead a person or to avoid a straight answer
Along with teaching Suri Cruise to say please and thank you, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are instructing their daughter about the importance of weasel words.
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MTV has an old-school interview with then-child star Brad Renfro. The other night on Letterman, Katie Holmes said she wouldn't mind if Suri went into acting. Watching the video, she should think, or have Tom think for her, a bit more about that.
[Photo]
• Suri Cruise has already grown disillusioned with fame. So precocious!
• That Vivica A. Fox sex tape is fake, because you know Vivica would be getting a cut if that shit were real.
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Today in crazy: a new, unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise says that Cruise is the second highest nut in Scientology. The book also gives credence to other scientologists’ claims Suri Cruise was conceived with frozen sperm from Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. The author, Andrew Morton, believe she’s a “Rosemary’s Baby” like toddler.
To the first accusation: Suri Cruise is too cute to be the daughter of anyone non-famous; to the second one: She is so adorable as to be evil.
[Photo Credit: WireImage]
Money makes the world go round, and there's seemingly no limit to what an American Express Black card-carrier can accomplish. Until now, that is! Apparently, it seems the oodles and oodles of cash accrued (and then pledged to the church?) by Scientologist mega-couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has nonetheless failed to "buy" them an innovative approach to dull seasonal mass-mailings. Case in point: This blah, unimaginative holiday card (obtained by Us!)
Where are the awkwardly staged Sears family portraits? The pictures of a rosy-cheeked Suri Cruise sitting atop Santa's knee? The adorable candids of mother and daughter frolicking in the snow (okay, fine, polluted Los Angeles beach) flashing matching smiles and and identical haircuts? The biological father grinning proudly, eyes wide with wonderment at the miracle of creation modern technology, arms wrapped firmly/protectively around his pretend-wife's waist?
• Think Katie Holmes' new bob haircut is iconic? Just wait till you see how amazingly epic it looks on her helpless daughter, Suri!
• In an effort to clear up any last, lingering doubts as to her mental instability, Britney Spears has allegedly threatened to irreparably tarnish Paris Hilton's reputation by releasing some steamy, X-rated footage.
• Meanwhile, Dave Chappelle proves he's not crazy by performing stand-up. For more than six hours straight.
• We can think of $27 million reasons why LeBron James is better than you, none of which even remotely involve his vertical leap.
• Cindy Crawford ages gracefully, dares to expose physical imperfections.
• This Santa may only be appropriate for naughty/nice adults over the age of 18.
[Image via Wenn]
In a shocking development, Katie Holmes escaped the mind control of Tom Cruise for a whole five and a half hours yesterday: she ran the NYC marathon. And even though it took her more than twice the time to run the course than women’s winner, we’re still impressed that she fit in training for a marathon while raising lil Suri and dealing with crazy Tom. Most impressive of all, she did the whole thing without a sports bra. [Mollygood]
• Jilted ex Jennifer Aniston to turn her humiliating personal life into mediocre movie magic by starring in the pseudo-autobiographical film adaptation of "He's Just Not That Into You."
• Stick figure Teri Hatcher takes it all off for the Badgley Mischa. Presumably, because Vladamir Putin was unavailable.
• Shame on you, Chuck Norris. Both for having plastic surgery and for making us buy that worthless piece of crap known as the "Total Gym."
• Is Suri Cruise the newest Baby Gap spokesmodel? But What would Xenu do??
• Despite popping out three children, Heidi Klum is still skinner than you've ever been. Ever.
• Hilary Duff stops taking her horse tranquilizers and goes on a bender. As a result, she shows up for work chubby and hungover.
• Unable to tamper with her ankle monitoring bracelet and not content to simply sit back and sip on Shirley Temples, Lindsay Lohan has apparently figured out the secret to a happy, sober existence: total Ecstasy.
• Either that or LiLo's holed up in her room getting high on whippets, chugging cold meds, and screaming "Mo' Tussin!"
• An unleashed Suri Cruise terrorized a Barnes & Nobles on Monday, throwing books at Katie Holmes' feet and generally pissing off all the bookish singletons looking for love in the self-help aisle.
• Ryan Seacrest needs a new beard, preferably one who doesn't say things like, "Beer doesn't give you a yeast infection, right?" or start singing, "I'm not wearing pantyhose."
• Usher finds a clever way to alienate his biggest and only fan.
• Gwen Stefani sues Forever 21 for making even crappier clothes than usual.
Surely everyone expected the craze that occured last week over the 22 pages of Suri Cruise in this month's Vanity Fair. Honestly, we sort of expected the coverage over the pictures to be all about the newsstand sales — but, because, like movies, the mag was released in New York and L.A. before it hit the rest of America, it was Vanity Fair's website which exploded. The mag's site drew 4.3 million page views on Wednesday, compared to a daily average of 60,000 views, which is pretty freakin' crazy.
The October issue featuring a 22-page photo spread of the Cruise clan shot by Annie Leibovitz hit newsstands Sept. 6 in New York and Los Angeles, but readers living between the two cities could view the photos online at vanityfair.com late Tuesday night.
Despite an increasing effort to bring editorial content of the magazine to the website via blogs and "round table" discussions, it seems that the Hollywood and celeb coverage are what attracts the Midwesterners to the site. If only James Wolcott made more of an effort to make sense.
Fairing Well [Irin Carmon, Stephanie Smith, WWD]
• Suri Cruise descended onto the world via the arms of Vanity Fair. And you all think she's a ho'.
• Paris Hilton had one margarita and then drives how she normally does — only she blew a .08 so they had to cuff her and take her in. Hollywood street cleaners spent the night spraying the jizz of 1,000 paparazzi off the courthouse steps.
• Katie Couric was able to host the news. Twice. And her vagina didn't do anything crazy to ruin the announcement. But only because there was just one. And it's straight.
• In London, Lindsay Lohan tragically lost her Hermes Birkin bag full of $1 million in jewelry. She cried, we cried and then Sloane gave the shit back.
• What the fuck is Lloyd Grove still doing here?
• Then, of course we have Jessica Simpson, who fired her publicist. Maybe. Or something.
Despite encouragement from our families back home, we have yet to pick up the three pounds of Suri Cruise photos in this month's Vanity Fair. We saw the cover, obviously, and the random pics that ended up on the Web, but unlike analysts over at the New York Times, we didn't get the full sense of what a circus this photo shoot was.
Despite Jane Sarkin describing the photo shoot as "a small crew," the Times reveals that the Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Annie Leibowitz, the baby stylist, make-up crew, camera assistants, and on-call psychotherapist were not alone.
They arrived during a family visit that included 15 Holmeses and a gaggle of Cruises, including his mother, sister and the children he and Nicole Kidman adopted when they were married, Isabella and Connor.
We would bark some huge fuss about how Vanity Fair lied, they lied! But when they put the tagline "Yes, Suri, She's Our Baby" on the cover, we already knew this entire spectacle was going to be a pack of little white half-truths.
A Rich Coat of Gloss on a Trajectory Spiraling Down [Caryn James, New York Times]
We hate to call babies 'hos, but sometimes it just has to be done. Especially when that baby has a set of parents that pimps her out so hard for the sake of their own career that she gets commercialized for the covers of tabloids and tabloids disguised as important magazines before she can even talk. Let alone sign a contract.
You all voted (and in what droves! Thanks!) and the result is as we expected. Suri Cruise gets pimped harder than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt for the mag cover fame.
It's probably since Suri took up a whopping 22 pages, but didn't accept any huge chunk of charity change or save any children, that it feels a little more like a publicity stunt on the part of her parents. Which, we guess, is ultimately the only reason she was "conceived" in the first place.
Earlier: Suri Cruise V. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt: Who Was Pimped Harder?
What the hell is going on today? First, we see the alleged baby Suri Cruise. Then we see Lindsay Lohan's alleged un-firey crotch. And now, Star magazine is trying to tell that we were so distracted by these things that we didn't notice Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married?
(Also worth noting: there's no actual story on the site in regards to this … so, while we assume there's something in the mag about it, you kind of never know.)
So, should we take this to mean that she stormed back into the house?
Yes. And of course, they had passionate make-up sex, and there will be another adopted baby for them to pimp out on the cover of Us Weekly in no time.
We wonder how Star got that "I Do" quote in the first place? Angie ws probably just saying "I do my own laundry" and Brad mentioned "Wow, I do love mustard" and they ran it. Oh, wait, no. That's People. Sorry.
Sure, everyone is totally excited over the first photos of Suri Cruise. We're personally so excited that we came down with the flu! Then again, we get the distinct feeling we've been here before. Ah, yes. Shilioh Jolie-Pitt. It's hard to get more excited about a baby than we were about her, the messiah of celeb children.
But when it comes to down to it, both these sets of celeb parents put their kids on mag covers. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie chose the glossy route and allowed People to slap her mug across its pages (for a heavy chunk of change which was later donated) and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes went the high-end Vanity Fair route and had Annie Leibowitz snap the pics … and no money went to charity.
Both were stunts, and both pimped out the celeb babies. But we think you should decide which was a bigger baby sale: Suri on Vanity Fair or Shiloh on People?
Cast your votes for the most pimped out baby of the year, and we'll try to run the results before Britney Spears' second kid lands the cover of Cosmopolitan.
Determined not to be outdone by Mollygood, Katie Couric used her platform as the new anchor of CBS Eyewitness News to introduce the world to the elusive Suri Cruise.
In Vanity Fair magazine, the first photos of little Suri (which Graydon Carter went to great lengths to protect), "prove" that the child exists. Well, nobody really exists until they're in VF anyways. So Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sat down with Jane Sarkin (what, no Evgenia Peretz?) to talk about their adopted Asian daughter.
"She has Kate's lips and eyes," Tom says of the baby. "I think she looks like Kate." Holmes counters, "I think she has Tom's eyes. I think she looks like Tom."
And in six years, Vanity Fair will have the story about why Suri has Lucy Liu's eyes.
Press Room [Vanity Fair]
Get out your umbrellas, kids, because the gossip is really starting to pour in. Of course all the well-heeled, well-connected folks are just now getting back from the beach to sit down and dish all their dirt. Hence, we just get ahold of this juicy bit which involves Vanity Fair.
Even better, it involves the upcoming VF cover featuring Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and baby Suri.
We hear from a well-placed source that Graydon Carter is going to extremes to protect his Suri photos. At the Kentucky printing press, Conde Nast has stationed armed guards to protect the facility from tresspassers and forced all employees to sign a confidentiality agreement, agreeing not to let a single Suri pic slip before the cover hits stands.
We placed a call into Vanity Fair to find out if there are actually armed guards outside the printers, but, naturally, they haven't returned. Meanwhile, should you happen to get through the armed guards and the iron clad contract to get a hand on one of these pics … well, you know where to send it.
We really don't have the words to express this first view of Suri Cruise. Gross is actually the only the thing which comes to mind. Totally gross, unnecessary, and pretty freaking weird. Whoever is responsible for this piece of shit is really fucked up.
Well, you can see for yourself.
CONTINUED »
• We wouldn't pay for a sandwich made by Britney Spears. Let alone one that touched her mouth. [Sun]
• We can't actually grasp that this is somebody's reality, but uh … how do we say this? Somebody out there defines "art" as "Suri Cruise's Bronze Baby Poo." And it's not us. [AP]
• Remember how we just asked Us Weekly where the fuck they were on this whole Jessica Simpson/John Mayer thing. Well, they're here now. [Us]
• Holy crap, Lindsay Lohan's dad is crazier than Peter Braunstein. [Lowdown]
• Which is probably why she wants to drink and do drugs. We're oh so happy to hear she found some good friends to save her from herself. [Page Six]
Editorial Director
