• Newsweek reveals the real reason behind Bloomberg's crusade against fast food, and its not his irrational fear of the Hamburglar.

• We take it this Staten Island resident wasn't using Potassium Nitrate to make his pretty July 4th fireworks.

• Apparently, that Japanese guy's lock jaw won't stop him from sucking down Nathan's hot dogs!

• After nearly half a century, the National Park Service cheats on the Circle Line with some whore from California.

• Lastly, check out this gift-wrapped CBS headline: "Only In New York City: Pizzeria Offers Lap Dances." It's almost as though they knew we were short of material!

• Competitive eating champ Takeru Kobayashi has an arthritic jaw, and thus might be out of commission for the annual July 4th hot dog eating contest as he "can't open [his] jaws more than just a little bit." When reached for comment, Kobayashi's girlfriend replied, "An arthritic jaw. Hmm, I'll have to remember that one."

• You know what's the best way to convince people you didn't crazily carve your husband's name into your chest using a shard of broken glass? By showing everyone the "love scar," and then laughing about it! Oh, wait…

• Has anyone else noticed that LA Weekly hasn't talked about Iraq, politics or, well, anything even remotely controversial lately?

• Having already spent the bulk of his book advance on heroin, Pete Doherty has been moonlighting as a chimney sweep in order to make some extra cash. To buy more heroin.

• Ice-T and his Stripperella wife, Coco are hitting the reality tv trainwreck sector. Meanwhile, Flavor Flav responded by saying, "Aw man, I thought I had the washed up hip hop reality genre locked up."