Is it really already Wednesday? It seems like only yesterday that last week's celebrity tabloids came and went, albeit without being summarized in light of it's being the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and Intern Whitney's being home for the holidays…Anyhow, the biggest bombshell this time around involves Britney Spears and the (alleged!) pitter-patter of little feet, but we're hoping it's simply a case of Spears consuming too much turkey over the holiday.
Brangelina has an impressive almost-monopoly on the tabs this week, appearing on the covers of four out of five celebrity weeklies! We'd say congratulations, only it seems the reason for the couple's resurgence is that they're in jeopardy of losing adopted bird-flipping daughter, Zahara. In other news, the writers' strike continues, which makes us all the more grateful that we have all that unscripted reality television (like that totally spontaneous confrontation between Heidi and LC on this week's episode of The Hills!) to keep us adequately entertained all winter long.
Meanwhile, Intern Whitney discovers it was another busy week for Britney Spears. The inspirational pop tart enabled her kids to contract pink eye from one of her neglected quadrupeds, failed a recent court-ordered drug test and has talked about uprooting the entire fam (including the kids, the nannies and the conjunctivitis carrying pets) right here to NYC.
This week's tabs feature everyone's favorite couple, Brangelina. Angie is cheating on Brad! And by "cheating," we mean "making out with her co-star, on camera, as it calls for in the script." Hussy. Meanwhile, it turns out Rita Cosby's hastily penned Anna Nicole Smith tell-all did a whole lot more than simply piss off Howard K. Stern and his elite legal team. It also started an annoying new craze of unauthorized celebrity exposès ! Coming soon, to a Barnes and Noble near you: Tom Cruise's unauthorized biography! Lynne Spears' patented guide to parenting! We see those future New York Times' bestsellers flying off the shelves faster than you can say "Discount rack."
And then, of course, there's Intern Whitney's very favorite part: the obligatory Britney update. Friends now suspect she has severe mental problems. Their evidence? She spends almost $5,000 a month on food (that's a lot of cheeseburgers) and another $16,000 on her wardrobe. Which strikes as more as sad than anything else.
Another week, another slew of already-reported Britney news: This time Us Weekly surrenders and creates a whole entire section devoted solely to the walking disaster. Other tabs resort to the tried-and-true diet stories, featuring people on the covers that don't really need to be dieting in the first place. Because there's nothing potential readers enjoy more than listening to thinspirational celebs whine about their nonexistent backfat.
So join Intern Whitney as she takes you the through a slightly mean-spirited edition of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" and comes to grips with The Hills' Heidi and Spencer acting like famewhores (again) Angelina and Brad almost—but not quite!—breaking up (again) and the real reason Ellen's crying about that dog she never wanted. Again.
Not much has happened over the past week, hence the random covers featuring Ricki Lake and Suri Cruise and everyone's favorite standby, Brangelina. This time, the Bauer siblings are in almost total agreement! In Touch and Life & Style are both reporting that Brad and Angelina are on the rocks (again). Sigh. It's almost like the two magazines are becoming one….
Meanwhile, Britney Spears' stock (or what's left of it, anyway) continues to plummet, with Us Weekly reporting that Brit hates the judge in her custody case. Shocking, y'all! However, it's In Touch that asks (and then answers) the question on everyone's mind: Why doesn't Britney wear underwear?
So let Intern Whitney guide you to a place where news-that's-not-really-news reigns supreme, and read to your hearts' content about Nicole Richie's pregnancy issues, Lindsay and Owen's sobriety issues and The Hills' reality issues.
Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab! Which means less Brangelina covers and more drunken shenanigans from everyone's favorite child star. So far, Lohan's still working that whole "I'm sober, for real this time!" angle, and giving "exclusive" interviews to both OK! and In Touch. We give her sobriety act two weeks, max.
In other news, JLo's still undeniably pregnant, and Britney's still continuing her downward spiral, only this time Justin is reaching out to save her.
But will he succeed? And is Lance Bass still embittered about being the least talented member of N'Sync? Intern Whitney answers all some of your questions, after the jump.
As a general practice, not a week goes by where Brad and Angelina are not on the cover of at least one (but often two) out of the five celeb weeklies. This week was no exception. OK! is reporting that Brangelina are planning to get married. But not so fast, says Life & Style! The couple is actually fighting constantly, explains the recently demoted Bauer sib, and Brad's friends have all rallied against Angie. Neither mag offers any real evidence either way, however, so you might as well flip a coin and decide which magazine you want to believe this week. Or better yet, read a book instead.
Meanwhile, every mag also mentioned Jennifer Aniston's rumored hookup with Orlando Bloom, after the pair were photographed getting "hot and heavy" (a.k.a. sunbathing in semi-close vicinity).
Finally, what seven-day period would be complete without some obligatory Britney news? The latest word is, she's lost her kids, and is now finding comfort in the arms of her tanning bed and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos. "Britney hits rock bottom!" Star magazine proclaims. But somehow, Intern Whitney's not so sure.
What a week! First we found out the Life & Style was folding joining forces with Bauer sis In Touch, then we found out Britney was a certified alchy (who knew??) and then we learned that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie need a "bigger bed." And because of all the excitement, this week's celebrity weeklies all feature different cover stories.
OK! gets the most creative with a feature on how irrelevant actress Jennifer Aniston has gotten her life back on track, while Star provides the most entertainment by tantalizing us with the unsubstantiated claim that Joel Madden is cheating on on Nicole Richie. (At least, according to Nicole, who "considers any interaction between [the two] cheating." You know, because she's crazy.)
So grab a tub of popcorn (not too much, mind you) and allow the indefatiguable Intern Whitney to guide you through the wonderful world of celebrity gossip.
Who cares about the trials and tribulations of Fashion Week when everyone's least-favorite celebrity weeklies are back to skewer everyone's favorite oversaturated celebrities? This time, the primary focus is once more on Brad and Angelina, with not one but two magazines taking a minor lover's quarrel grossly out of context and predicting it to mean that their just-for-publicity relationship is already over.
Meanwhile, in addition to ruining the VMA's opening act (and her chances for a successful comeback) the inconsiderate and hopelessly out-of-shape Britney Spears also had the lack of consideration to schedule her drunken clumsily lip-synced performance for the day before the magazines closed. This, in turn, left each of them scrambling to put together their last-minute "Britney Totally Blew It Y'all" stories, and reliant on such uninteresting angles as "Exclusive: Britney Fired Her Hair Stylist Right Before The Show."
So allow us to put you in the capable hands of the lovely and talented Intern Whitney, who's fresh off the plane from Abilene, Texas and thus hardly even seems to mind that her first official intern duty involves reading and summarizing the annals of celebrity smut.
Every week, there are so many eventful developments in media and celebrity news that we (almost) can’t keep track of them all! So, for your convenience and ours, we’ve dispatched grabby handy Intern Joseph to remind us exactly what about this week made it so damned special.
• Star Jones was a better role-model back when she was a fatty. Or at least she was more fun to look at.
• Britney Spears and Kevin's custody wars have officially begun. And round one definitely belongs to K-Fed.
• Nicole Kidman's new movie is either a lame-o science fiction snoozer or a metaphor for her relationship with robotic Scientologist ex, Tom Cruise. Either way, it looks terrible.
• Desperate times call for desperate measures as L.A. residents attempt to track down a "missing" Lindsay Blowhan.
This week might well go down as the most boring in Talk of the Tabs' storied history.
Four out of the five weeklies ran seemingly identical cover stories on Britney Spears, while the fifth tab (a pioneer!) broke new ground by focusing their energies on a little-known couple named…Brangelina. Sadly, the most interesting (relatively speaking) piece of Brit-related gossip com comes from an unlikely source, OK! magazine, who momentarily puts aside this whole never-ending custody battle business and swears that Britney is a carpetmuncher.
But it's Star EIC Candace Trunzo who puts all the Spears mania in perspective.
"Just when you thought you'd seen it all with Britney— it gets even worse."
Unfortunately for Intern Joseph, the same could be said about this week's tabloids.
Another exciting tabloid Wednesday is upon us, and this time, all of the celebrity weeklies did an exceptional job not copying one another. Given that nothing ever happens in the month of August (and most journalists celeb weekly stalkers are on vacay) the tabs have unsurprisingly reverted to frequent standbys Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie to sell their covers.
And while the Cruises are vacationing in Berlin, the Jolie-Pitts are frivolously spending money on children's birthday parties, and LiLo is enjoying the comfort of her new Utah treatment center day spa, we invite you all to sit back, relax and let Intern Joe remind you that celebrities are like exotic creatures. Exotic drive drunk, wage custody battles against distant relatives and go to first base with broke college kids because someone "double-dared" them to.
Since Lindsay cruelly waited until Tuesday morning to pull out all the stops and go for a coked-out high-speed car chase, this week the tabs were all about Britney Spears. And while that's not particularly shocking in and of itself, this week, there was actually something worth talking about, seeing as Britney Spears went out of her way to attract the attention of the photogs, celebrity weeklies and mental health professions everywhere. In addition to possibly swiping some overpriced crap (something no self-indulgent famous person has ever done before!) she actually went into the ocean (get this!) to cool down. Call the psych ward at Bellview, and get this lunatic into the asylum, stat!
In other celebrity trainwreck news, things apparently aren't looking too good for Brad and Angelina (according to those ubiquitous unnamed sources) Tara Reid is still alive and still a fall-down drunk plus Hollywood apparently has this new trend called "parenting." Incredible! For a moment, we contemplated sorting through this week's glossies, until we remembered the tabs are actually Intern Joe's domain.
His findings (A new trend called "parenting!" Tara Reid's still a mess! Jessica Simpson has a new gay boyfriend!) after the jump.
Every week, there are so many eventful developments in media and celebrity news that we (almost) can’t keep track of them all! So, for your convenience and ours, we’ve dispatched grabby handy Intern Joseph to remind us exactly what about this week made it so damned special.
• Nicely done Con Ed, nicely done.
• If John Mayer didn't used to have inappropriately loud sexual relations with Jessica Simpson we'd think he had a secret Ryan Seacrest crush or something.
• The tabloids showed us that they actually aren't all the same magazine.
• Ronald Reagan miraculously died again, confirming our secret belief that he was actually a modern-day Jesus.
• If Jane featured topless Eva Mendes on its cover every month, it probably wouldn't have folded.
Were you losing sleep over the supposed marital problems in the household of annoyingly perky celebrity chef, Rachael Ray? Were you chain smoking and refusing to eat until you found out whether or not LiLo really made it through six weeks of sobriety at Promises?
If so, sad! But, fortunately for you vicarious types, there are no less than five competing magazines that are kind enough to cater to your (somewhat frightening) obsession with celebs you don't even know and will—most likely—never, ever meet. And this week, the glossy gods were feeling particularly generous! So much so, that they bestowed each tabloid with a different, exciting story!
Or, in the case of OK! magazine, another unfortunate cover story about Eva Longoria's not-that-interesting wedding.
Either way, come inside! Take a load off! And allow Intern Joseph to do what he does best: sift through the gossip magazines and pretend that it's "because he has to" and not "because he secretly really, really enjoys it."
Since we've all been oversaturated with Paris Hilton news this past week or so, the tabs have graciously spared us the "Heiress Behind Bars" cover stories, and relegated her to a far more tolerable two-page spread. In fact, for perhaps the first time in recent history, all of the tabs successfully filled their covers with actual news, managing only one "weight loss story" between them. Hot topics this week included Britney Spears and her mother's on-again off-again relationship, Jennifer Aniston's inability to pick the right boyfriend, and the inside scoop on Paris meltdown. (Yawn).
A slightly hungover (but still surprisingly productive!) Intern Joseph gives you the highlights and lowlights of each of the weeklies, after the jump.
This morning, we woke up and prayed that the tabs wouldn't completely drown us with "OMG, Paris Hilton's in jail" news, however nothing could have prepared us for what we found instead…nothing. In typical humdrum fashion, we get a sleep-inducing collage of celebrity images—from no makeup, to extreme weight loss, to baby bumps and cellulite. The only exception to this week's snoozefest is that bastion of credibility otherwise known as US, whose groundbreaking research ultimately revealed Vanessa Manillo's penchant for cutlery.
Intern Joseph has your in-depth review (and our iced mocha latté) after the jump.
In a bold move to show Janice Min that they don't give a shit what she thinks of their "reporting," Life & Style and In Touch are both kicking things off this week with the obligatory baby rumor mill.
Meanwhile, Life & Style, Us Weekly, and Star search desperately this week to find some hard-hitting celebrity news. Unfortunately, they fail, and instead resort to luring readers with their default "We Have No Story" covers of beach bodies, and celebrity BMI's.
Then, to round out this week's "Talk of the Tabs," In Touch can't seem to get enough of Angelina, as the notorious childnapper graces the cover for the umpteenth time, while OK! gives us yet another profile on someone that we really don't care about.
Let the games begin!
Intern Joe's heartfelt analysis, after the jump.
While fingering Us Weekly for going three weeks in a row fingering the mistakes of others is still good fun, the other tabloids have different things on their mind. Or not.
As we learn from Intern Joseph's salt licking of this week's celebrity glossies, there's little out there besides what Reader's Digest is printing about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. So let's get to it.
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While we've already done our one-two punch with Us Weekly, there are some other tabloids worth talking about. (We're told.)
For instance, how is In Touch's Richard Spencer feeling about Paris' sentencing? What matters more to Sarah Ivens than Lindsay Lohan's blow documentary? These are questions that need answering, so we grabbed this week's tabloids and forced Intern Joseph to wade through them all. It was a thankless task, but we learned this much: Candace Trunzo's Star magazine is really into lezbo prison sex.
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Editorial Director
