• Check out Courntney Love's laundry list of New Year's resolutions, including "sell the pony," "stay pissed off at the world," and "no more surgery for any reason other than medical until i really need it in my 60s." No, seriously.

• After nearly being stripped of her crown, Miss "Rehab" USA contemplates stripping for Playboy.

• Paris Hilton enjoys having a wild monkey in her bed; everyone feigns surprise.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have reportedly ended their affair in an effort to prevent "Kato" from totally catching on.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson: Two cosmic peas in a pod.

• Angelina Jolie might be pregnant. Or not. Either way, she's thinner than all of us.

Miss USA Tara Conner isn't the only pageant queen causing Vicodin-worthy headaches for her sponsors. Now Miss Teen USA Katie Blair is seeing Mothers Against Drunk Driving drop its relationship with her because she'd been spotted out partying with the entering-rehab-today Tara Conner.

"We do not feel, at this time, that Ms. Blair can be an effective spokesperson on underage drinking and will not ask her to represent MADD in future initiatives," said Heidi Castle, a spokeswoman for MADD, in a statement.

Though to be fair, it wasn't like 18-year-old Katie was getting smashed and then driving home. She took car service.

Donald Trump is stepping into one particular ring where he doesn't curry any favor: good looks. After giving Miss USA Tara Conner a pass and letting the 21-year-old's alleged drinking and drugging generate a heap of press for him, Rosie O'Donnell mouthed off on Trump, calling him a "snake oil salesman," among other things. Cue The Donald's promise to launch a litigious battle against The View host — and bury her with insults usually reserved for ex-pal Martha Stewart.

"This woman is totally out of control," he told the Daily News. "I'm worth billions of dollars, and I have to listen to this fat slob?" [...]

Trump called O'Donnell a "despicable . . . fat" failure who lied that he had gone bankrupt. [...]

"When I saw the tape, I said, 'You'd better be careful or I'll send one of my friends over to take your girlfriend!' " Trump told The News. "I imagine it would be pretty easy to take her girlfriend away, considering how Rosie looks."

Just so someone will put it on the record: We imagine it would be pretty easy to take away his wife Melania, considering how Donald looks.

"I don't think she's denying she's an alcoholic."

That's Donald Trump, speaking at yesterday afternoon's press conference about his decision to keep Miss USA Tara Conner wearing the crown.

At same press conference, Tara Conner also chimed in:

I wouldn't say that I'm an alcoholic.

You can tell TMZ.com was pissed having to report that Donald Trump is not ousting Tara Conner as Miss USA. Despite her hard partying ways and what we're going to allege was a series of group sex soirees back at Trump Tower (she, a girlfriend, plus a group of guys .. what else can we assume?), The Donald is giving America's nasty sweetheart one more chance, so long as does a quick stint in rehab.

In a move that shocked everyone, including Tara Conner, Donald Trump announced Tuesday morning that he will not fire the embattled Miss USA, despite allegations of drug use and sexual misconduct.

"She's agreed to go into rehab. She knows that if she makes even the slightest mistake from here on she wil be immedialtely replaced" said Trump.

All of this gives us the perfect opportunity to take a quick trip down memory lane and remember what fair Tara – not the smartest apple of Donald's eye – had to say when she was competing in the Miss Universe pageant.

When they asked what the most inspiring place she'd ever visited was, she could have lied and said Tibet or Jerusalem or the house where Anne Frank hid. Those would have all gone over big. Instead, she said the most inspiring place she'd ever visited was… wait for it… Lake Tahoe!

Well, at least she can add Marquee and Guest House to the list.

• Mel Gibson's drunken anti-Semitic speech was a "gift," forcing him to realize what he needs to focus on. Like box office returns.

• With the Sex and the City movie supposedly back on track, Kim Cattrall conveniently forgets it was she who put up the roadblocks.

• All the women who want to sue American Apparel's Dov Charney will be happy to know he's got a big corporate backer to pay those out-of-court settlements.

• After Christina Ricci's biggest Internet fan dropped his website devoted to her and PETA named her to its Worst Dressed List because she wore fur, she's denounced her personal connection to the slaughter of our furry friends.

• If this supermodel ain't Naomi Campbell, we need a new list of anger-prone waifs.

CONTINUED »

• The Donald loves disgraced Miss USA Tara Connor for one reason alone: the press.

• Denver Nugget Carmelo Anthony and six others suspended for multiple games after creating this brilliant display of sportsmanship.

• The YouTube guys sold their company to Google and all they got was this lousy article in Time.

• Judith Regan's camp promises an all out "war" on everything you hold sacred. Like News Corp.

• Copyright infringement is less fun when computers are doing all the work.

• Joy Behar, that silly liberal.

CONTINUED »

• Lindsay Lohan needs to purge her email address book, because everyone of those notes gets leaked.

• Vincent Gallo increases rate to sex you.

• Mary-Kate Olsen, soon to be seen as a decoy on Dateline: To Catch a Predator.

• If Lindsay Lohan can go a week without a drink, surely Paris Hilton can go six months without sex.

• Disgraced and soon-to-be-former Miss USA Tara Conner spends one last drunken evening with her tiara.

• One weekend of padding anti-Semites was enough for America: Mel Gibson's Apocalypto nose dived during week two.

• Lance Bass ditches Reichen Lehmkuhl for, ahem, Janice Dickinson and Jai Rodriguez.

Interesting fact: Miss USA Tara Conner didn't just make it into the Top 10 of the Miss Universe Pageant last night — she also made it into the Top 10 Things Gary Green Learned at Donald Trump's Miss Universe Pageant.

Sorry, but Miss USA was a total plate head. Granted, it's hard to look good when you're asked "What is your greatest flaw?" but when they asked what the most inspiring place she'd ever visited was, she could have lied and said Tibet or Jerusalem or the house where Anne Frank hid. Those would have all gone over big. Instead, she said the most inspiring place she'd ever visited was… wait for it… Lake Tahoe! I was never more ready to surrender my citizenship.

At the very least she could've said Telluride. Or, if she were a true American, Laguna Beach. No wonder she frickin' lost to Puerto Rico.

Ten Things I Learned at the Miss Universe Pageant [Gary Green]