Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not

contumely \kahn-TOO-muh-lee\ noun
: harsh language or treatment arising from haughtiness and contempt; also : an instance of such language or treatment

Since we write about celebrities so much, we save our contumely for only the most deserving of fame seekers.

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• On seeing this picture of his ex-fiancée and current GF Heidi Montag posed on all fours, Spencer Pratt thought to himself, "now this looks familiar."

• Trying to seem smart by taking a stand on the writers strike, Joaquin Phoenix ends up looking like a misguided first grader, and misspells his name.

• For our money, Brian Austin Green peaked during the later college years of 90210. Everything that came before and after was for not.

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• Nice abs, Fergie. And by nice abs Fergie, we mean nice airbrushing, Blender.

• We took a nap, and we totally missed Tara Reid's anorexia move. We saw it coming, though.

• Amy Winehouse is arrested for perverting the course of justice. We love it when British courts talk dirty.

• The children are always to blame: Kate Hudson claims when her son was born, she realized things would never work with Chris Robinson. We thought it had something to do with the weed, her raising career and his vanishing one.

• If not for Jessica Simpson, would anyone know that it's football season?

• Note to the slutty American Idol wannabe who now has her very own third-rate porn tape: the journey is so over.

• Donald Trump denies giving a waiter a $10,000, cites his lifelong history of miserliness as evidence.

• Tara Reid could almost pass for a high-class rent girl. Related: Reid's parents are said to be bursting with pride.

• Yep, this awkward, dispassionate PDA totally clears up any misgivings we had about Rachael Ray's marital troubles.

• Ever heard a native New Yorker grouse that Times Square makes him/her want to vomit? Allow us to introduce Exhibit A.

• Do not hang out with Dori Cooperman unless you want to end up with a botched lypo job, coke in your pants or a Range Rover that runs people over.

• Angelina Jolie is reportedly depressed that her black-facey impression of Mariane Pearl was a box office flop.

• Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow are getting back together…for some boring political drama that you probably won't bother to go see.

• There's something kind of awesome about the Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons family reunions. Typically, it's the "I'm too old to pretend I ever loved this giant, giraffe of a woman" expression on Russell's face.

• Sumner Redstone is being sued by his son, Michael and is currently feuding with his daughter, Shari, but his brother Edward is totally not crazy at all.

• Congratulations to Kelly Rowland, who has finally learned to begrudgingly accept the color of her skin.

• Apparently, naming your kid "Jermajesty" isn't normal even if your name is Jermaine Jackson. [via Us]

• Holy obesity, Batman! This dude ate Val Kilmer!

• Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the craziest Hollwood mom of all? [Spoiler: It's Dina Lohan.]

• Penelope Cruz and her seemingly identical sister to start their very own clothing line. Which should make it even easier for Janice Min/the rest of the world to tell them apart.

• Kirsten Drunkst: doing what she does best.

• And this, children, is why you should never, ever have liposuction.

• Ashlee Simpson goes 36 hours without drinking which can only mean one thing: Yep, she's dead. Kidding! The correct answer is "she's knocked up and possibly engaged."

[Photo: CelebrityBabylon]

Here's the clip you never knew you wanted: Tara Reid slaughtering "Total Eclipse of the Heart" in front of an unforgiving crowd.

And while it's a far cry from the Amazing Profanity-Laced Old School version, Tara definitely nails the Tone Deaf Alcoholic angle.

Sadly, it's audio only, so use your imaginations to reconstruct the visual. C'mon, we all know she's at least wearing something slutty.

(Clip via PH)

• If Isaiah Washington had to go to rehab for being a bigot, shouldn't Paris Hilton have to go to rehab for being a twat?

• Drew Barrymore offers some words of wisdom about her drug-addled past and Dakota Fanning's drug-addled future.

• Leelee Sobieski's low-cut dress isn't a slutty excuse to show off her tata's…it's a metaphor for all the "boobs" working in Hollywood nowadays.

• The makers of Budweiser's unfunny face-bumping commercial to be sued by the creators of tthe unfunny face-bumping genre.

• Barbra Streisand's political strategy: throw money at all the Democratic candidates and pray to God that one of them actually wins.

• Sienna Miller manages to keep her pants on during a drunken, public makeout sesh with musician-slash-starfucker Jamie Burke.

• Tara Reid gets even more irrefutable evidence that she is not, in fact, a V.I.P.

• Lindsay Lohan shows off her dedication towards a new, healthier life by partying late-night with Paris "Jappy Jew-Hater" Hilton.

• Jennifer Aniston shows off her new nose.

• J. Simp shows off her slightly-orange, slightly-worse new hairdo.

• Tara Reid shows off her utter lack of coordination, dignity or grace.

• Jenny McCarthy shows off her best assets, (neither of which includes Jim Carrey).

• Justin Timberlake shows off his sensitive side—but only after copious amounts of marijuana.

• Jamie Foxx does his best Kathy Griffin impression at the Borgata, dissing everyone from Prince ("he wears 10-inch stilettos") to O.J. Simpson ("I threw a party in Miami and he showed up…He shook my hand hard as hell. He did it!")

• Penelope Cruz continues to dispel those lesbian rumors by getting hot and heavy with the uber-masculine Orlando Bloom.

• Lindsay Lohan continues to demonstrate her horrible common sense by reportedly dating seedy "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis.

• Widdicombe's daily riddle has us pondering "which aspiring starlet (more former than latter) had to be stepped over on a Chateau Marmont staircase Sunday morning because getting back to her room before having sex was too much of a chore?"

• Tara Reid has somehow recovered her pre-liposuction bod.

• Brad and Angelina light up the red carpet at the Golden Globes last night, offering "sizzling" new details about their fave breakfast cereals.

Club Paris owner Fred Khalilian has recently announced his intention to sever all ties with Paris Hilton, citing "irreconcilable differences" as the primary cause for the planned separation.

Other purported reasons for the less than amicable split include seasons three and four of The Simple Life, and Paris' friendship with oil heir/walrus Brandon Davis.

In any event, effective immediately, Paris Hilton will no longer be the heavily made-up face of Florida "hot" spot Club Paris. Reportedly, the decision to ditch the snotty celebutante was based largely on Paris' unwillingness to grace the nightclub with her occasional appearance.

Under the terms of her deal with Khalilian, who sank $3 million into the club, Hilton was required to make four appearances a year at the Orlando location. She herself had made no financial investment in the operation.

Khalilian tells the AP he doesn't plan to change the name of the clubs, but says Club Paris will now refer to the city, not the socialite. He also says he plans to hold a contest to find a new face for the hot spots.

No word yet on which famous face will inherit this huge distinction, but we'd like to offer our preemptive condolences to Tara Reid, who will inevitably be turned down as the club's official sponsor—and turned away at the door.

Make fun all you want about Tara Reid earning her dolla dolla bills by hosting a New Year's eve bash at a Chicago Marriot, but at least she didn't have to fly halfway around the world a la Paris Hilton to earn her fee. While Paris launches the new beer line Bondi Blonde on the New Year and Tara Reid hits the continental breakfast, what will their young Hollywood gal pals be up to? The LAT rounds out the list of how professional celebrities earn their dues:

• Britney Spears will be at Las Vegas' Pure with a midnight toast from a champagne total worth more than Kevin Federline's net worth

• Pamela Anderson will be at Vegas' Tao pretending not to notice that:

• Kid Rock will be at Vegas' Jet, where he'll be treating revelers to a "rare DJ set." Which, clearly, will involve a set of iPods.

• Christina Aguilera will be in New York at the Hudson Hotel, alongside gossip blogger Perez Hilton and hoards of hangers-on.

• Jessica Alba will be at Miami's Setai hotel, but unable to carry the event by herself, she'll be joined by Hilary Duff's veneers and Ben McKenzie's brooding.

We hear Talon Torriero has yet to lock down his New Year's Eve hosting duties, but luckily there's a new Valero gas station opening Jan. 1.

• The NYT sees Jane Pauley's lawsuit and raises her "You knew you were doing an interview for an ad supplement. Or at least your flack did." Will she call? [WSJ]

• Tara Reid did Us Weekly last week, and the Today show today. Then there's co-hosting The View tomorrow, and The Tyra Banks Show next week. So many plastic surgery tales, so little time. [Planet Gossip]

• The only diet advice we trust is diet advice that comes from a restaurant critic. [Grub Street]

• The blogger fights didn't end with Perez Hilton. Last night at the MTVu Awards, a small brawl broke out between actor-cum-music hack Jared Leto and Stereogum blogger Scott Lapatine. [BWE, Stereogum]

• You're expected to report back to us on whether Judith Miller's thank you notes are scented. [WaPo]

• The Second Avenue subway line – staring down Moynihan Station for title of "most talked about, never seen transportation development" &ndahs; will be called the T line, for no better reason than the MTA's superintendant likes the letter. [DI]

• Tara Reid tells Us Weekly she will "never be perfect again." There are so many things wrong with that statement we don't even know where to begin. [Us]

• When Eliot Mintz was just a boy, do you think he dreamed of the shit show that is now his life? Eh, probably. [Mollygood]

• Mel Gibson has not gone out and tagged swastikas all over LA in 65 whole days. [AP]

• We always knew Vince Vaughn wasn't cut out for "relationships." He's already been spotted rebounding with a bottle of peroxide. [Page Six]

• Jon Friedman discovers Jon Stewart. He's funny! He has this really great comic timing! We're so grateful we have Friedman to point these things out for us. We would've never known there was just a funny, funny man out there. [Market Watch]

• The great racially undivided city of New York (please, people, try to understand the sarc on this one) does not appreciate Survivor: Racism very much. [AP]

• The New York Times loses a freelancer to the Boston Globe. Which is sad. But we are mostly linking to this story because of the horrid use of "culturati" and the mention of travel expense scandals. [Artnet]

• Martha Stewart may have finally found a (legal) buyer for her Turkey Hill home. [FBNY]

• Despite dropping ad numbers, Conde Nast is supporting Jane all the way. Plus, that Christina Aguilera cover is totally sure to save them. [WWD]

• Tara Reid wins the quote of the week award with this winner: "When you're nice, I don't hate you guys, because you're nice." The paparazzi love you, too Tara. [TMZ]

• Oh, snap. As if Lindsay Lohan needed another reason to hate Scarlett Johansson, Scarlett is now stealing Lindsay's classy signature shot (Kamikazes?) and downing them all night with Wilmer Valderrama at Marquee. [Page Six]

• But, Lohan has Jeremy Piven to help her forget about her problems. Or, y'know, give her more problems. [AP]

• A new book about John F. Kennedy Jr., complete with “never-before-seen” photos of the sexiest man alive?! We're so in. [Lowdown]

• Naomi Campbell dated Robert De Niro? Whoa, his stock just went down faster than the Observer's. [R&M]

• Expect a larger-than-normal drinking binge from Tara Reid soon. Looks like she’ll need the alcohol to get over her movie role embarrassment. [R&M]

• Why are none of these "Middle East hotties" Middle Eastern? Sure Anderson Cooper's cute and all, but there's got to be some sexy shirtless Turkish guy somewhere. [TMZ]

• Remember when eBay was for antique necklaces and weird kitchen stuff? Now you can bid on Matthew McConaughey's car. [FBNY]

• Seriously, you should grab those open HuffPo positions before the whole world realizes that working there = free massages from Rachel Sklar. [HuffPo]

• Tara Reid’s body has finally hit the point of self destruction. [Perez Hilton]

• Julia Roberts learns the joy of catching poop. Oh, how the mighty fall. [The Sun]

• Confession from Jim McGreevy's truck stoppin' past. We can just see the mini series now. [Queerty]

• Oh, Beyonce. 20 pounds is nothing. Take a role playing Nicole Richie and then come talk to us. [Page Six]

• Toni Morrison's Beloved is the most beloved book of the last 25 years. Thanks to Oprah, the book guru, she was able to beat A Million Little Pieces. [NYT]

• Tara Reid has one thing going for her: vodkadar. Should help ease the pain when Jared Paul Stern finally bites off her boob. [Mollygood]

• And in other Nicole Richie news, DJ AM dumps her, again, because he can't he's afraid he'll fracture her pelvis when they do it. [Us Weekly]

Today's Mediaworks column in Ad Age offers up some insight into the plus side of landing on Page Six.

Obviously, as anyone who has lived in this city for five minutes knows, the gossips are free press for clubs, liquor brands, and B-List celebs.

When the New York Post's Page Six runs one of its punchy one-line "Sightings"-say, "Tara Reid, drinking a Grey Goose martini at Cain…"-the reaction among many readers may be something along the lines of "Wow, she sure dances on an awful lot of banquettes." But to more business folk than who'd care to admit it, such quick-hit plugs have evolved into crucial components of branding or marketing campaigns-within and without New York City.

If the fetchingly unhinged Ms. Reid is passing the wee hours of the morning at Cain, the thinking goes, that only affirms the nightspot's celebrity/player bona fides. If she's daintily sipping a Grey Goose martini, that confirms the vodka's eminence.

Somehow, in the alternate universe of advertising, Tara Reid downing Grey Goose at Cain is "good" press. Which is exactly why you will find us sipping K1 on the rocks down at Element.

The Scandal Sheet Everyone Wants to Be in [Larry Dobrow, Ad Age]

And we're speaking from experience here: When in doubt, always blame Tara.

Bush Blames Reid for Immigration Meltdown [Jennifer Loven, AP]