Being on call 24/7/365 is absolutely rattling. I feel like my laptop is eating my face, chomping away at my brain like Mrs. Pac Man on a tear.The pace is absolutely relentless. You have to be out of the gate with your commentary fast — before you have a chance to full read or digest whatever it is you're commenting on. It's a little toxic, the news cycle now. It's making us all paranoid workaholics.
–Dan Savage, gay American sex advice columnist/media pundit, addressing the Internet's "most unnerving" effect on journalism and describing the potential downside of the information age.
**For more on Dan Savage, check out his interview with Queerty**
Although we can’t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
A few days ago, passages from Howard Kurtz's new book surfaced on the web, purporting to shed new light on what transpired behind the scenes at CBS headquarters less than twenty-four hours before the network ran its now-infamous National Guard story.
• Baby Zahara gives her parents a hand, officially becomes our favorite Jolie-Pitt.
• Finally, the general public heeds the warning of film critics across the country, consciously avoids seeing The Heartbreak Kid.
• Despite his early retirement, Michael Vick is still leaving football with a legacy. Of course, said "legacy" involves having his name be synonymous with animal cruelty, rather than a Superbowl dynasty.
• Google shatters the hopes/dreams of tech-nerds everywhere by announcing that they have no intention of building a phone.
• Not even Halle Berry can make morning sickness sexy.
• And last but not least, here's an artist's (slightly idealized) rendering of the Spice Girls' very own private jet.
[Image via INF Daily]
Thanks to those of you who have already written in to share your most memorable IT Guy experience. As for the rest of you, we thought we'd post this vintage "Nick Burns" SNL skit to try and jog your memories.
So go ahead and send us your stories. Truth is, we could use the distraction. This day is going by about as fast as an LC475 with a 32-bit processor!
Ever wondered about the birth of the emoticon? Of course you have! We always figured it was conceived in the back of a Toyota 4-by-4 after one too many brewsky's. But apparently, it was actually invented by some random Carnegie Mellon professor, during a discussion about the "limits of online humor" which was, contrary to what the subject matter denotes, devoid of any humor content whatsoever.
Fahlman posted the emoticon in a message to an online electronic bulletin board at 11:44 a.m. on September 19, 1982, during a discussion about the limits of online humor and how to denote comments meant to be taken lightly.
"I propose the following character sequence for joke markers: :-)," wrote Fahlman. "Read it sideways."
Unbelievable! Who knew there were online electronic bulletin boards in 1982??* In any event, we're sick and tired of emoticon guy grabbing all the credit. It's a computerized smiley face people, big frickin' deal. That said, we propose the inventor of the following character sequence: 58008 (read it upside down) be given the Congressional Medal of Honor.
*We thought Al Gore didn't invent the information superhighway until sometime in the early nineties. Confusing!
Tired of scrubbing dishes, stacking plates and having boring unfulfilling sex? Well lucky for you, Katherine Gray has designed this "combination wine goblets-plates-bowls-urinal-dildo kit."
The giftset (designed to provide "everything a couple would need") is ideal for both newlyweds and international superstars looking to spice up their sex lives without getting photographed holding a giant purple dildo. [via Gizmodo]
From CNN: "After the price of an 8 GB iPhone was reduced to $399 from $599, CEO Jobs agrees to give store credit to those who paid the original price." Wow, that's like a $200 differential! Unfortunately, it turns out the store credit is only worth $100.
For all you stubborn, always-late weather-impaired people out there (the types who would rather hurl themselves straight into an oncoming hailstorm than be bothered to spend thirty seconds checking TWC) comes an exciting new technological development: the rain-sensing "Ambient Umbrella."
Yes, for merely $125 a pop, this amazing weather-predicting device will download the Accuweather forecast for you and let you know whether it's currently raining outside—an invaluable service* that saves you the trouble of actually having to look out the window and see for yourself.
So buy one today! It'll be like you have a fifth sense ESPN or something! Or, you know, just an insanely overpriced umbrella.
*Kidding! The price is still a non-negotiable $125
"Are you checking your email in the bathroom?" asks the New York Post [Ed: In that annoying way they have of asking a question, and then answering it a moment later] before adding, "You're not alone."
Yep, forget about compulsive overeaters, substance abusers and crazy pop stars who insist they're fine, and then wipe greasy chicken residue all over their borrowed silk gowns. The newest epidemic to hit the inner-city streets is none other than email addiction, and it's already affecting nearly one out of every two bathroom stall users in a lavatory near you.
What's scarier than The Day The Blackberries Died, grimmer than finding out your $600 iPhone is a piece of shit and infinitely worse than that time your boss caught you looking at this extremely NSFW photo of Cisco Adler?
The prospect of life without YouTube, Drudge, MySpace, Facebook, Match.com or GoFugYourself.
Don't worry. It's all just a (terrifying) hypothetical…for now.
Ever thought about ditching those pink, scented print resumes and submitting an unintentionally hilarious video of your qualifications instead? In today's Slate, William Saletan debates the merits and potential pitfalls of these "new media" resumes to help unemployed readers come to an informed decision.
First, the pros. Slate points out a video application "turns your resume into an interview" and "shows off your distinctive personality, creativity and initiative." Among the cons, however, Slate argues that "soon everyone will have one, so it won't show any distinctive creativity or initiative," and "it'll show what a bore or jerk you are."
In other words, at best you're Elle Woods and, at worst, you're Aleksei Vaynor.
And, while we wholeheartedly believe that "impossible is nothing," somehow video resumes just don't quite seem worth the risk yet.
• Sarah Jessica isn't making crappy bargain basement clothes; she's making fashion democracy!
• Obnoxiously loud celebrities and Charlie Sheen embrace 9/11 conspiracy theories.
• "The Diary of Anna Nicole Smith" sells for upwards of $500K. And she couldn't even read good!
• Jared Paul Stern sticks to his revenge guns, elects to sue the entire world over that whole nasty extortion episode.
• The debut of Apple TV makes us unreasonable angry with our Sony Vaio.
• Internet maestro Abbe Diaz launches members-only online club for people who identify as "the help."
The Grey Lady continues to amaze us, once again coming out of her prudish, insular shell to share this tongue-in-cheek** look at the unexpected pitfalls of High Definition technology.
Yes, once again the NYT has concerned itself with smut, only this time, instead of bemoaning the unfortunate decline in sex sales, today's pornographic installment centers on the dark side: of High Definition: varicose veins, cellulite, "ill-placed pimples," and—of course—droopy boobs.
And while the editorial commentary is certainly enjoyable, (e.g. "[t]he XXX industry has gotten too graphic, even for its own tastes"), clearly the crux of the article lies within its memorable quotations.
There's Stormy Daniels with the cons of HD porn:
“The biggest problem is razor burn,” said Stormy Daniels, an actress, writer and director. Ms. Daniels is also a skeptic. “I’m not 100 percent sure why anyone would want to see their porn in HD,” she said.
Acclaimed filmmaker Robby D. with its merits:
“It puts you in the room,” said the director known as Robby D., whose films include Sexual Freak. “You can see things you cannot see with the naked eye. You see skin blemishes; you see cottage cheese…But some cellulite is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s kind of sexy.”
And finally, our personal favorite, top pornographic director, Joone, offering some friendly advice to those actresses plagued by body-image insecurities:
Joone does not use a last name, but he does use a number of techniques to keep his films blemish-free. They include giving out lifestyle tips.
“I tell the girls to work out more, cut down on the carbs, hit the treadmill,” he said.
And with the NYT backing all these in-depth, prying investigations into the porn industry, we're left wondering just what exactly should we get Times' head honchos Christmas next year: Debbie Does Dallas…Again or Sexual Freak?
Yeah, we're leaning towards Sexual Freak, too. The High-Def, digitally-remastered director's cut, of course.
**or other bodily orifice
Don't you hate it when this happens to you? You know, when you go online to find that special person with their shirts off and a perfect tan … and then you meet in person and they are so gross? Now you don't even have to try to had your superficiality any longer … you can date on your iPod.
Tried other friend or dating sites only to be disappointed? You know the drill. You go on the site, you see a HOT picture, you talk and then…. You meet in person. Turns out that "HOT picture" was a glamor shots photo from 6 years ago and besides it was just a head shot anyways.
Yeah, it's happened to us. That's why we created PodDater. PodDater is a new way to find a friend or a date. You make a video profile, add it to your profile, share it with others and you download video profiles to your iPod.
A good video profile can be a little more… revealing. With video there's movement, there's sound and just more going on.
Totally. In a good video profile you can do a strip tease, make a porno, perform your modern dance or rockin' nunchuck moves. Really, the possibility for fuck-ups to find each other is completely endless nowadays.
What's Friday without a little fucktardedness from our favorite simple minded celebrity Paris Hilton? You know how she has that new video game coming out? The one that has geeky hackers walking around in short pants? She is just so thrilled for it's release.
Wearing a green minidress and red platform pumps, Hilton made a brief appearance at the Electronic Entertainment Expo to promote "Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam."
"Sorry I'm late," the heiress said. "I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game," she said.
Well, we guess we'll giver her some credit … her name is a little better. Ok, sorry, we really did try to make a joke here … but we're so distracted by Paris' new found boobs that we can't really do much but stare, and wonder where those were back when she was taking her clothes off for nose candy.
Hilton Causes Stir at Video Game Expo [AP News]
Want to know how popular you are? Well, obviously, popularity is judged by how often you're googled, so, now you can really measure you're ranking … in the world of Internet searches.
We think we started having a little too much fun with this. And though we fear this might actually take over blogs in the "how to waste time at work" category, we decided to conduct a few different popularity in the form of Google trends comparisons. (Top comparisions show search volume, bottom reflects news volume.)
Again, this could go on forever, but we have two more outcomes after the jump. (One of which we take this as solid proof that newspapers can stop freaking out now.) But, seriously, first you could see your house on Google Earth, and now you can literally search for how trendy you are? We are totally going to start googling ourselves 100 times a day.
CONTINUED »
You know when you're stuck in the subway and you need to make a phone call and the public pay phone doesn't work? Yeah, we don't either — our reaction was "ew, people actually touch the phones in the subway?"
They do. And while there are patrons brave enough to pick up these phones with their bare hands and put the receiver in the vicinity of their face, their heroic efforts often go unrewarded. The friggin' phones don't even work! Well, 25 percent don't work … mostly because of vandalism, lazy Verizon employees, and obviously, the growing issue of phone abuse.
The bigger problem, he said, is that the 4,400 pay phones in the subways are abused by riders.
"People act out their frustrations on our phones," he said. Verizon's previous maintenance requirement "was a very difficult standard to meet," Mr. O'Brien said.
Hey, now, let's not be too hasty. Isn't it better to take the aggression out on the phone than to use the phone to split open the heads of low-level employees?
Rider Survey Finds 25% of Subway Phones Out of Order [Thomas J. Lueck, New York Times]
Teachers and faculty in New York City schools say that students are not allowed to use cell phones. Precocious teens, the theory goes, will use their cells to cheat during tests and take pictures of each other in the locker room.
But parents are outraged, saying that in the crazy world we're living in, they feel safer with their children having a way to contact them.
Cellphones are the urban parent's umbilical cord, the lifeline connecting them to children on buses, emerging from subways, crisscrossing boroughs and traipsing through unknown neighborhoods.
Wireless umbilical cords? Technology is just getting so advanced these days. We bet Katie Holmes' baby even has two.
City Schools Cut Parents' Lifeline (the Cellphone) [Elissa Gootman, New York Times]
Because we don't think they really work hard enough (school, jobs, internships … come on) we asked our interns Zack and Calista to waste some time browsing the geared-for-college-student sites Shock U and Office Pirates.
And while normally, we would have asked for a comparative essay, we then realized we would have to edit it. And we're trying to do as little work as possible. Hello that's why we have interns in the first place.
Read on after the jump to see what the hip, with it, barely 20-something kids are up to these days. If you need us we'll be at American Apparel trying to figure out how to smuggle a couple guns and find some hos to pimp. Ok, fine, we'll be shopping for leggings.
CONTINUED »
For the first time in months, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey aren't landing those much-coveted tabloid cover spots. With all the babies being born, Nick and Jess just aren't gettin' no love from Star and Us Weekly. Don't worry, though, they have a way to try and lure people into caring about them.
Blogging … er vlogging? So, now you can watch Jessica's documented life. How original.
The rich and famous stars are documenting their lifestyles with camera phones and posting pictures, text and, eventually, video to their personalized mobile blogs. Access to each blog costs $5 per month. Subscribers receive alerts when new posts are uploaded, to which they can leave replies as well as discuss content with other subscribers.
Yes, finally. Up to the minute posts on Ken Paves' fave hair products, Daisy's new $2,000 diamond dog collar, and who Jess is catfighting with in L.A. Nothing can come of this but riveting conversation and reflective response, we're sure.
Celebrity blogging goes wireless with BlogStar [Antony Bruno, Reuters]
