• Hey size 2 haters, turns out Jennifer Love Hewitt is with child, not with Big Macs.

• Tony Parker and Eva Longoria are holding hands, which means there’s no way he could have cheated on her.

CONTINUED »

• Lance Armstrong grossly makes out with random blond chick to alleviate suspicion that he's dating an Olsen.

• Even more irrefutable proof that Britney Spears is all kinds of knocked up.

• Celebrities pump their own gas, just like us! Only difference is, they can actually afford premium gasoline despite the soaring oil prices.

• Naomi Campbell continues to forget that she is, in fact, an aging supermodel—and lacks the requisite interpersonal skills required of even "honorary" diplomats.

• Wait, so this week's episode of The Real World ended with a racist catfight? Yeah, this is us, pretending to be surprised.

• Hey, ladies! Wayne Newton wants you to know he's heterosexual. Just, you know, FYI.

In a recent, sort-of revealing interview with a London tabloid, resident American Idol meanie Simon Cowell denies being a closeted homosexual, though refuses to address questions pertaining to why he wears the same black t-shirt every single day. Says Cowell:

If I was [gay] why hide it? It’s not as if the music business would be an odd place for a gay man to work. And anyway, if I was trying to hide the fact that I was gay, I would be off playing rugby every Saturday, wouldn’t I?

Either that or you'd be going tanning, getting your highlights retouched and having your eyebrows waxed and overcompensating by pretending to date Teri Hatcher.

I wasn't sure I even wanted to come forward with my story. I wasn't sure it would help or matter. But I called. When [the D.A.] and I finally spoke, I didn't tell him who I was at first. I knew I had a lot to lose if this hit the tabloids: Teri Hatcher, screaming out for attention. It's pretty much ingrained in any victim of abuse that no one will believe them, and even if they do, you feel you'll still somehow get blamed. And thus the cycle of pain…

For me, this opportunity, this turning point, gave me a chance to face a very old but still raging fear. I can't say that a victim of abuse is ever completely healed. But this experience allowed me the space to feel validated, vindicated and, frankly, not crazy. It was not my fault.

–Excerpted from Teri Hatcher's self-penned article in Newsweek entitled "The Darkest Secret." [Newsweek]

• The sky is falling! No, wait, that's just Teri Hatcher's face.

• We don't have to travel back in time to remind ourselves that Kevin Federline is a weasel.

• Is it wrong that we like Ryan Reynolds even more now that we now he has zero plans to adopt an African orphan anytime in the near future?

• Maria Sharapova may have lost only 2 games so far in 4 straight sets of tennis, but Anna Kournikova's still the only one who can carry off a potato sack.

• Britney Spears to disappear. Sheesh, it's about frickin' time!

• For the last time, Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans are not dating, okay? They're just getting ridiculously drunk and then fucking afterwards.

• Producers are still looking for the next Biggie Smalls. And apparently, it's not this guy.

• Jilted ex Jennifer Aniston to turn her humiliating personal life into mediocre movie magic by starring in the pseudo-autobiographical film adaptation of "He's Just Not That Into You."

• Stick figure Teri Hatcher takes it all off for the Badgley Mischa. Presumably, because Vladamir Putin was unavailable.

• Shame on you, Chuck Norris. Both for having plastic surgery and for making us buy that worthless piece of crap known as the "Total Gym."

• Is Suri Cruise the newest Baby Gap spokesmodel? But What would Xenu do??

• Despite popping out three children, Heidi Klum is still skinner than you've ever been. Ever.

• Hilary Duff stops taking her horse tranquilizers and goes on a bender. As a result, she shows up for work chubby and hungover.

• No matter how good an actress she is, Hilary Swank won't be mistaken for a boy in this beach getup.

• Meanwhile, if Jessica Alba doesn't want a reputation as an international hottie, she should probably stop doing photo shoots like this one.

• Teri Hatcher tries, fails to steal Eva Longoria's thunder.

• Nicole Richie has a major case of pillow face.

THEN:

Teri Hatcher has admitted having Botox and collagen injections to keep her stunning looks. The 'Desperate Housewives' star confessed she had the painful jabs - which smooth wrinkles and plump up the lips - to combat the signs of ageing. The 41-year-old - who plays hapless Susan Mayer in the show - admitted in an interview: "In the past, I've had Botox and collagen."

But the brunette beauty insists she now wants to age gracefully. She revealed: "I haven't had anything done to my face in over a year. And I don't plan to.

NOW:

Teri Hatcher insists she has never had Botox injections, despite previously admitted to having the cosmetic procedure. The 42-year-old actress claims she has never used any type of wrinkle-removing chemical treatments or plastic surgery of any kind.

She is quoted by Daily Express newspaper as saying: "I don't use Botox or Restylane and I've never had any surgery. A male friend in the fashion industry once asked me, 'Why is make-up any different to getting Botox?' I said I didn't think it was a fair comparison, make-up is removable, it's not permanent. But changing the natural chemical state of who you are? I'm not sure."

Next up on the list of life-decisions Teri Hatcher plans to "conveniently" forget? That creepy, not-at-all-staged kiss she had with hetero "boyfriend," Ryan Seacrest.

• Joel Seigel walks out of his first movie in 30 years. Kevin Smith responds via MySpace, "bleep, bleep, bleep." [Page Six]

• So, Christie Brinkley's husband had a thing for barely legals long ago. We wonder where he was when Britney Spears was an up and coming aspiring singer who couldn't sing? [NYP]

• Unless there is a Friends reunion, Jennifer Aniston won't have anyone to celebrate Thanksgiving with. [Star]

• Bryce Dallas Howard legs have never seen the sun. Or a man. [R&M]

• ABC swears next season of Desperate Housewives won't suck quite as badly as last season's. But, since they're keeping Teri Hatcher and Marcia Cross around, we have trouble taking their word for it. [AP]

Exclusive

News broke in May that Us Weekly was working with the FBI to investigate a rash of hacking into its computer system. The suspect? Former staffer and current paparazzi agency head Jill Ishkanian, who was accused of stealing information about Charlie Sheen. Last month it was revealed Us' systems weren't so secure: not only could Ishkanian access the tabloid's email, but so could the very celebrities the mag writes about, thanks to rank abuse of staffer Amy Sultan username and password. But aside from being able to scoop Us at its own game – which, to be fair, is a pretty big deal – thus far the scurry to close the leak hasn't had a big item on which to pin Janice Min's fear. Thanks to the wide open net our inbox casts, we've got at least one rumor on which we can lay our suspicions.

I know exactly what Us Weekly is now terrified will eventually come out in the investigation. Do you remember the Ryan Seacrest/Teri Hatcher in Malibu kissing pictures taken on March 25, 2006, that ran EXCLUSIVELY in Us Weekly? No surprise to savy media watchers, but it seems the pix were a set up, (without poor Hatcher's knowledge) between Us' West Coast Editor Ken Baker and his longtime BFF Ryan Seacrest. There is serious concern that there are now copies of those incriminating e-mails now floating around cyberspace that prove the two were involved in setting up the Desperate Housewives star. With ABC owning half of Us Weekly, how will it look to the bigwigs there to have Hatcher, their biggest star, made an object of ridicule, or a temporary beard for the American Idol host?

Ken Baker involved in under-the-radar spin? Psshaw!

Related: Former Us Staffer Especially Didn't Steal Info on Charlie Sheen
Related: FBI to Stop Us Weekly From Handing Out Passwords to Former Employees

• Is Leslie Sloan crazy? We wish somebody would offer to take Britney Spears off our hands. [Lowdown]

• Meanwhile, Brit struggles to finds someone to take over her pesky New York apartment. [NYO]

• We pity the fool who decides to take advice from Mr. T. [MSNBC]

• Thank god we don't have to pretend to be good citizens by watching Geena Davis on TV anymore. [CNN]

• Teri Hatcher should consider her hot minute with Ryan Seacrest a blessing — Oprah talks always help book sales. [Us]

• Paula Abdul stopped her drunken crying to have a truly delusional moment. She announced that Simon Cowell wants to marry her. [MSNBC]

• This whole Anthony Pellicano thing is really funny, until some Vanity Fair journalist gets hurt. [DHD]

• A girl blogs about her life as a hooker in Brazil … [NYT]

• … While another blogs about her life as a hooker for Ron Burkle. Think Nobu and crazy girls who are now pregnant. [Live Journal]

• Things are moving at Ground Zero. No, they are. We're not lying. [AP]

• It wasn't Amy Fischer's fault she shot Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the face. It was totally the ecstasy's fault. [AP]

• Because being attacked by a lightbulb wasn't bad enough, Teri Hatcher then gets attacked by the paparazzi … who mind you have lots of flashing bulbs on their cameras. [TMZ]

• The least surprising news of the day: Mario Batali's less loved restaurant is officially on the block. [NYT]

• A lightbulb shattered into Teri Hatcher’s eye. Yeah, whatev, she totally needs a lift anyways. [AP]

• Michelle Rodriguez doesn't really "do" community service. [AP]

• Is Kelly Conlin's apartment the reason Primedia went under? [Footnoted]

• Andy Dick steals beers from a gay bar, gropes a girl, and yells at a bartender. Wait, he has a kid? [Queerty]

• The Today show rolls over for George Clooney and his Darfur trip. See, if they'd shown the part where he visits Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and they all tlk about the baby and how much they hate Jennifer Aniston, then we might watch. [NBCU]

• Melissa Joan Hart (yes, that Melissa Joan Hart) celebrated her 30th birthday last night at Happy Valley where, we're told, she kicked off her Tribeca Film Festival media blitz with class: She was the one handing out promo cards to guests for Mute, which debuts today.

The Sun, Britain's most gossip-y publication, printed a story last August that put Teri Hatcher in a van, having sex with some guy right outside of her house. And now the paper is pretty much saying that they made it up, it isn't true, and that they're really, really sorry.

The Sun now admits the article was "totally incorrect" and regrets "the embarrassment caused" to the Desperate Housewives star, reports the Associated Press.

Hatcher's London-based legal firm, Schillings, said the Sun had agreed to pay undisclosed damages as well as Hatcher's court costs. It also said the celebrity magazine Heat agreed to apologize for printing the same allegations in August.

See, that's how gossip works on the other side of the ocean — the papers pay the people they write about. Not the other way around.

Teri Hatcher Gets Apology from Tabloid [People]

We used to love love love our Star celeb polls. But lately, they haven't really had many good photos. It's all "should Nick and Jessica get back together?" and "do you think Britney's baby is smarter than K-Fed?" But no LOL style celebs looking like freaks photos.

But no matter how drab they can get, they never send us into cardiac arrest first thing in the morning.

Where's the box to check "nothing can make Teri Hatcher look good?" At least with Star they had a "scary" option.

People needs an option like "so frightening you would feel safer in Borough Park screaming anti-semitic slurs."

Star Beauty: Dramatic or Natural? [People]

• Apparently, most people would rather talk to themselves than to Michael Eisner. [TV Newser]

• Leonardo DiCaprio goes from Gisele Bündchen to Lindsay Lohan. Kind of like how he went from The Basketball Diaries to The Beach. [A Socialite's Life]

• You might want to put down that Tasti D-Lite. Photos of Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher making out should not be viewed while snacking. [Us Weekly]

• When bloggers don’t write books, they find new blogs to write for. In addition to his persy project, R8, Ben Smith is set to join Uncle Mort at the Daily News for their new blog, The Daily Politics. [Politicker]

• Thanks to Kevin Federline and his new "drop," come August, we’ll all be polishing our guns. [MSNBC]

Do Vanity Fair reporters have some kind of truth serum for their interview subjects? It seems as though people are always admitting things like eating disorders or revealing their sources in huge government scandals, and then, suddenly, they never said any of these things.

First it was Lindsay Lohan's "I never said I had an eating disorder." Now we have Washington Post executive editor Ben Bradlee claiming that "he doesn't remember" telling the mag that former State Department official Richard L. Armitage is the likely source who named Valerie Plame to Post assistant managing editor Bob Woodward.

In an article to be published in the magazine today, Bradlee is quoted as saying: "That Armitage is the likely source is a fair assumption." Armitage was deputy secretary of state in President Bush's first term.

This month's VF "officially" hits newsstands today, and the tell-all issue also features Teri Hatcher's confession that she was molested as a child. And a bunch of other stuff that nobody remembers ever saying.

Magazine: Bradlee Knows Woodward's Source on Plame [Jim VandeHei, Washington Post]

• Natalie Portman schools Columbia. That too good for NYU snob.

• We wish Joan Rivers well in her search for a deaf and blind guy with a boatload of cash.

• Celeb Fall Out Boy of the week, Pete Wentz graces us all with the presence of his penis and then his (much more interesting) journal.

• Us Weekly launches a blog, and then for some reason doesn't blog their stories.

• And, of course, Teri Hatcher sobs the story that makes the whole Vanity Fair staff work late.

Vanity Fair staffers surely pulled some late nights last month, after yet another cover was pulled and replaced. Natalie Portman, who fell in after the slotted cover couple Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow split, was then pushed aside to make room for new the April cover: sob story Teri Hatcher.

The Desperate actress told Vanity Fair (ok, so she first told the police in 2002) that her uncle, Richard Hayes Stone, began molesting her when she was 5 years old. After one of his victims committed suicide, Hatcher felt that she needed to come forward as well. Her testimony forced her uncle to plead guilty; he is now serving a fourteen year sentence.

Hatcher says that she came forth with her story to "encourage others to come forward and to show girls that they can overcome their pain." Repeat: this was not a trick to get her to spill a secret past, or an attempt by the actress to boost her career.

When she went to police, Hatcher thought the details would get out and that cynics would accuse her of using the story to boost her career.

"Here's what I anticipated," Hatcher said. "He did this, he gets off and Teri ends up on the cover of a tabloid."

Oh, Teri. The only thing that gets you on the cover of tabloids is anorexia, divorce, or falling off tables at parties. And how could we accuse you of trying to boost your career? Everyone knows Vanity Fair never helps anyone's career — just look at Jennifer Aniston and Tom Ford.

TORMENT OF ABUSE BY TERI'S PERV UNC [Leonard Greene, New York Post]

• Laguna Beach's Kristin Cavalleri is auctioning off ten minutes of phone conversation for charity. So maybe her relationships with Stephen, shopping, and coke will do some good for this world. [Lowdown]

• More pointless Cindy Adams info: Zooey Deschanel would like you to know that though you may not recognize her on the street, she has definitely been to Bungalow 8. [Cindy Adams]

• Is Paris Hilton losing her edge? Mischa Barton doesn't even want to be associated with her. [3am]

• Teri Hatcher is going to have to snaz up her political talking points if she wants to keep bagging George Clooney. [The Scoop]

• While we appreciate the effort Halle Berry makes by promising not to make Catwoman II, but we still don't think we'll be seeing her in any movies. Y'know, in the off chance she gets offered a role. [People]