• Elizabeth Spiers discusses what she would do as acting president of Time Inc. Better still, it's not part of her infamous stand-up comedy routine!

• Time Warner president may be in trouble for quietly covering up HBO prez's habit of accidentally choking the women he's screwing.

• Ron Burkle is now in another bidding war. For Stuff magazine. Seriously.

• Calling CollegeHumor "sophomoric" is like calling McDonald's "greasy." You know, because both are so delicious—in a low-brow, cheap thrills kinda way.

• Don Imus is just itching to jump back in the insult-radio saddle.

• Greta Van Susteren follows Rudy G.'s lead, challenges the Dems to debate on the fair and unbiased Fox network.

• Tommy Hilfiger is not a racist. And he's hired "outside people" to keep an eye on anyone who claims otherwise.

• Ion Media Networks, NBC Universal and hedge fund Citadel to get in bed together, feel awkward about it in the morning.

• Time Warner mags are still a drag on earnings. Fortunately, the insanely priced restaurants in the TWC more than make up for it.

• Tivo offers its customers the ability to fast forward through all the annoying commercials. Including all the annoying commercials for Tivo.

• How many over-privileged Communications majors does it take to plan an after-party for Charlotte Ronson? Answer: Who cares—as long as they're attractive.

• And finally, April showers brings…lousy ratings for CNBC.

Walk by the newsstand or flip on any of the entertainment tabloid shows and you'll see Drew Barrymore staring back at you from the cover of this week's People, where she's anointed the Most Beautiful Person of all 100 Most Beautiful Persons.

But perhaps her cover isn't an example is celebrating surface-level beauty worship as it is an example of corporate synergy.

People is published by Time Inc., which is owned by Time Warner. And guess what movie studio just put out Drew's recent flick, Music & Lyrics? That'd be Time Warner's Warner Bros. studio.

And which studio is behind Lucky You, which debuts this Friday and stars Eric Bana and, oh wait, Drew Barrymore? That'd be Warner Bros.

And what studio is behind Drew's upcoming thriller He Loves Me? Ah, yes, that'd be Warner Bros., too.

So congrats on being so beautiful, Drew. Dick Parsons is drooling.

• A Sopranos spinoff? Fuhgeddaboudit.

• Conrad Black is accused of lifting cash from a company in Chicago. So how come he's never even heard of Abe Froman?

• Who will replace Paul Steiger as WSJ's managing editor? We smell a reality show!

• 30 Rock continues to be that show you DVR, but never actually watch.

• Is Vicom's $1 billion suit against Google shortsighted? Experts say, "hello! Have you been to the Googleplex?"

• Time Warner could spin off AOL this year, despite what Time Warner spokesman Ed Adler has to say.

• Carol Burnett sues Family Guy for parodying her parody show.

While MTV is laying off staffers by the department-ful, Time Warner is generating fat stacks of cash. Well, Time Warner Cable, to be more precise, which celebrated Valentine's Day one day early with some IPO lovin'. As of today, TWC is a publicly traded company, with parent Time Warner owning the same 84 percent stake it always has. Chief Dick Parsons took the opportunity to let staffers know of the good news — which most of them won't see a penny of in the form of stock options. But hey, at least HBO onDemand is working this week.

Full memo – that, clearly, Yahoo Finance has yet to receive – after the jump.

CONTINUED »

With plenty of space to devote to shops nobody visits and restaurants that collect stars instead of customers, the Time Warner Center will tomorrow unveil Home to the Future, Time Warner's 4-story exhibit gimmick to convince consumers the technology it's heavily invested in – cable – is much better than those satelitte dish thingies that your super won't let you install anyhow.

Home to the Future is designed to underscore the differentiating factor of cable's triple play of video, voice and Internet service as well as the breadth of digital offerings from Time Warner's vast array of television, movie and magazine assets.

And to convey the differentiating factor, on display will be a sample customer's bill, where video, voice, and Internet amount to a full 15 percent of your monthly rent. Prepare to be wowed.

Time magazine might have just launched its new on-sale date, relaunched Time.com and finally ignited a modicum of interest in the newsweekly business – see how we just covered a huge piece of news in one line? J-school education at work! – but the real bit of Time Warner news you're going to care about is the extension of a Paula Zahn segment. And you thought CNN had tired of the news anchor. Those silly reports, where do they come from?

Because the only thing apparently worth watching on Paula Zahn Now her gimmick bit for baby boomers "Life After Work," CNN plans to branch out on the segment to its website as well. A microsite is to be born, filled with "video clips from the show, expanded coverage of the subjects profiled, photo galleries and various interactive elements." Synergy, people!

But after gloriously failed Time Warner ventures like OfficePirates.com, it's certainly comforting to know the media conglom at last has found its sweet spot: old people.

Rejoice, CBS, you're not the only ones.

• Googling the new Atoosa is fun!

• An exhausted Britney Spears confuses rehabilitation center with relaxation spa.

• Diddy to form new boy band, striving for "Dick in a Box meets Yanni" look.

• Time Warner sells Progressive Farmer to a publisher who could tell you what it's about.

• CNN says sorry for the control room lackey who called Sen. Obama by his given name.

• Just like in the lockerroom, video cell phones at executions are frowned upon.

CONTINUED »

• K-Fed resorts to cheating to win televised wrestling match that no one else cared about.

• Eat The Press enters its diet into Weight Watchers log.

• Time Warner cozies up with Fox to carry the long-awaited "imminent" business channel.

• Papa Joe Simpson gets ornery with Jessica for refusing to party while getting paid.

• Malawian father professes an interest in the son he previously sold to Madonna.

• Will Ferrell and wife give birth to brand new son; resist urge to name the boy "Frank the Tank."

• Pam Anderson and Kid Rock spent NYE in Vegas! Separately! Without running into each other!

• MollyGood answers Nerve.com's sex-ionnaire, with great tips on how to make your sex tape Oscar-worthy.

• Because the H&M/Madonna collabo worked so well the first time, they're gonna do it again.

• Proud papa and biz pioneer Joe Simpson whores out Jessica for $10k to be filmed reading a tabloid of your choice in Blonde Ambition.

• Liz Smith cries for Dakota Fanning.

• Si Newhouse expected to continue the grand tradition of dropping major pink slip bomb after the New Year with the canning of former Vanity Fair publisher and current group prez Mitchell Fox.

• Tim Gunn may have to pull out of Project Runway's fourth season for something called "job responsibilities."

• CNN celebrates one year of discovering broadband video.

• Time Warner chief Richard Parsons dumped Warner Music in '03, but first he backed up the catalog for his iPods.

$bull; 666 5th goes for $1.8b.

• Keith Olbermann's online provocateur KarmaBites1 claims she'll unload another 100 or so emails between her and the MSNBC host, all because he won't publicly acknowledge he's like any other guy: quite complacent with a one night stand. [P6]

• Culture + Travel owner Louise MacBain visits the New York offices of LTB Media. For the first time. [NYP]

• Dan Bova pogos from exec editor to EIC at Stuff, replacing Maxim jumper Jimmy Jellinek — and, perhaps, some of his staffers? [FBNY]

• Victoria Hearst is fingered as the nut who left the creepy religious message at the Hearst Tower dedication. How do you know she's crazy? She's anti-Cosmo. [WWD]

• Time Warner stock moves .. upward. Jon Friedman wets self. [Marketwatch]

• Tom Freston and Peter Chernin are smart men. Smart enough to let someone else write their jokes. [Radar]

• Believing a Harvard Crimson columnist would lift an item from Slate would requires two sets of beliefs: 1) Harvard enlists fucktards; 2) Slate publishes worthwhile material. Okay, not such a hard conclusion. [Boston Globe]

Did you all know Time Warner has a Parsippany office? As in Parsippany, New Jersey? We didn't either. Until we were told they have begun moving people there from the NYC offices. We know it's kind of un-sexy news (no editors packing up boxes or having affairs with interns) but we feel it is important to reach out to the often ignored people on the biz side, and let them know what the hell is going on.

Time Warner is moving Time/Warner Retail (no, not the gift shop, the their retail sales & marketing department), out of city limits to join the wonder world of foreign publishing.

T/WR is the first business unit to move to the Parsippany office which we purchased a little over a year ago. The decision to move them was based on several factors including their relationships with clients, wholesalers and retailers outside of the New York City area. In addition, T/WR clearly understands how to effectively work as a team across multiple locations. More than 60% of T/WR’s workforce is currently outside of New York City.

The full announcement, which certainly lacks threats of moving any Time Inc. pubs to Jersey, after the jump.

CONTINUED »

It never really shocks us when big wig executive types pay for sex. Really, they don't have time for real relationships, and they're normally such assholes that no decent girls will fuck them. Of course Time Warner CFO Wayne Pace and the newly outed Robert Voccola coughed up the cash for Andreia Schwartz, the call girl who scored a combined total of $250,000 for her services.

And sure, she took the money. But she wasn't happy about it. She would have rather been sleeping with chicks, she tells the Daily News.

"I wouldn't have kept having sex with [Pace] or any of these guys if they weren't paying me," Schwartz said in a statement unveiled yesterday during her arraignment in Manhattan Supreme Court.

"I don't do guys for money anymore," she told cops. "I only do girls."

If only it weren't for that damn glass ceiling, we know we could get more lesbians into high powered positions, lucrative enough to keep these serving citizens of New York afloat.

Ton o'shugah [Daily News]

Rumor that Anderson Cooper's U.S. exclusive with Angelina Jolie (which already taped, and will air Tuesday) was bought and paid for by by Time Warner as part of People's $4 million payout for baby Shiloh photos isn't sitting well with CNN execs. False!, they declare. CNN spokeswoman Janine Iamunno shot us this missive shortly after our report:

Your item on this is completely wrong…in fact, nothing could be further from the truth!

Angelina Jolie's representative approached Anderson Cooper's senior executive producer David Doss because Angelina is an admirer of Anderson’s work, especially his commitment to covering Africa and the plight of refugees.

CNN had no part in any negotiation with People magazine. CNN never pays for interviews, and we did not pay directly or indirectly for the interview with Angelina Jolie.

There were no limitations and we were not barred from asking any questions.

Our pass-along item on Saturday hit Page Six, who spoke with Cooper's exec producer David Doss. Doss claimed Brad Pitt and Angelina "decided to do one interview on World Refugee Day, and they are big fans of Anderson and what Anderson has been doing in Africa." When Angelina's reps offered her up, Doss reacted: "Are you kidding me? You're just dropping this in my lap?"

Meanwhile, Matt Drudge picked up on the story on Sunday, which effectively means we're bored with it. Can't a new rumor start where Jann Wenner buys Jennifer Lopez's baby photos for Us Weekly with the promise of a Rolling Stone cover?

Earlier: People's $4 Million Shiloh Fee Included Anderson Cooper

From yesterday's BusinessWeek article on Microsoft building itself as a "media powerhouse":

Some analysts even believe it would make sense for Microsoft to buy Time Warner outright. "It would be a great move," says analyst Susan Kalla of Caris & Co.

So, Time Warner buying AOL: bad. Microsoft buying Time Warner: good. Just so we're clear.

Microsoft: Let's Make More Deals [Steve Rosenbush, BusinessWeek]

Is Ted Turner allowed to quit Time Warner? He like, is Time Warner. Well, we guess he is, because uh, he just did.

We all watched in a jaded haze while "Captain Outrageous" went from "The Mouth from the South" and eventually to "The owner of everything the public consumes." And now, it is the end of the Turner era.

Turner's departure comes during another difficult stretch for Time Warner. The company just this month ended the public battle with Icahn, in which the investor at times called for board to be replaced and the company split into as many as four independent corporations.

Basically, the old man was phased out, deemed as unnecessary as Paris Hilton at Sundance. But, we bet good ol' Ted is happy to get back to his days of yachting and checking his Friendster messages.

Ted Turner to leave Time Warner board [Rueters]

Late yesterday afternoon at the St. Regis Hotel, Carl Icahn debuted a wallop of a proposal to split Time Warner into four distinct companies. Something about increasing the value of each unit .. the sum of the parts was greater than the whole .. yeah, something like that.

But somewhere between the collating and the page counting, reporters got it wrong. Just how big was this proposal? If you ask the New York Times or Business Week, it's 342 pages. If you ask Media Week or Reuters, it's 343 pages. (And if you ask Forbes or The Motley Fool, they just ignore your question — and the page count.)

Which begs the question: Do cover pages count?

• We told you back in September that French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld was handing over the reigns of the December/January issue to Kate Moss. That was before Kate's coke "incident," but that didn't sideline the guest editorship. Witness: The four-cover (sort of) aftermath. [FWD]

• Carl Icahn continues his all-or-nothing demands at Time Warner. This time he wants to split the media company into four autonomous divisions (cable TV service, Internet, publishing and movie/TV studios), thus giving him enough time to distract the board so he can complete his evil takeover plan. [FT]

• Hardline journalists will tell you a reporter's job is to observe, not participate in, the news. And then Hurricane Katrina happened. And so did Anderson Cooper. [AJR]

• Since Liz Spiers found herself a book deal and ditched Mediabistro, the glorified media hobnobbing site has been searching for an editorial director. It's since found one: a one Dorian Benkoil, whose experience at Fairchild's (nonexistent?) Internet division will surely win over visitors. [Gawker]

• When the B-list sleeps together, it increases their crabs count, not their their celebrity. [Cityrag]

• The woman receiving the world's first facial transplant had only thanks to offer after the operation. She's doing just fine and, if she continues to heal successfully, Chelsea Clinton will go ahead with hers. [NYT]

• Janice Dickinson might be drowning in bottles of Cristal, but what's her excuse for wearing the same bikini three days in a row? [PXThis]

• Spike Lee isn't taking any responsibility for movies like Barbershop and Beauty Shop. He just wants to open up the possibilities for black filmmakers — or anyone who wants to make a movie not about Jews. [Slate]

• Entertainment Tonight proudly breaks news that, well, everyone else broke weeks ago: Gwyneth Paltrow's preggers. [ET]

• The Live 8 folks are suing TrimSpa over Anna Nicole Smith's appearance there, saying she was drunk and "scantily clad." Our guess: when she was offering rockers "free samples", she wasn't referring to the weight loss med. [E!]

• Because he always knows what's right, Carl Icahn thinks Time Warner's stock would be trading much higher if his decisions were put into place. Namely, breaking up Time Warner. [Business Week]

• During this morning's online chat, WaPo exec editor Leo Downie Jr. says he doesn't think Bob Woodward should resign — though he does believe he should've shut up on TV. [WaPo]

• At this point we really don't need Wenner Media "insiders" to tell us that Jann Wenner and Kent Brownridge haven't been getting along of late, especially since Gary Armstrong in marketing refused to go to alcohol rehab. [WWD & Lowdown]

• British publisher Emap is said to be mulling the sale of its American FHM — and Hearst looks interested, even after shuttering the never-seen Bullet. [NYP]

• Jeff Zucker is tired of blogs receiving so much attention. All the buzz that My Name Is Earl has received, however, he's totally cool with. [Daily Northwestern]

• Since he's on the way out anyhow, we're applauding Ted Koppel's public lashing of President Bush. "One fiasco after another" is how he tells it — just like ABC News! [NYP]

• Colleen Curtis is leaving the Cooke jar at the Daily News to become a supervising editor at Good Morning America, where she's expected to feed us reports on exec producer Ben Sherwood's rage levels. [NYP]

• Good news: Dick Cheney isn't Bob Woodward's source. Bad news: Dick Cheney is still your vice president. [AP]

Reminding us both anti-Americanism and capitalism are alive and well, America Online decided to rename itself — to the "doesn't stand for anything, just like the SAT" acronym "AOL." It's part of their international push, which now includes syndicated Jason Calacanis' Engadget in every dialect of Shikomoro.

During an interview at the Web 2.0 conference, AOL CEO Jonathan Miller said that AOL was changing its official name from America Online to "AOL," solving the problem of taking the brand internationally without offending those countries that don't want to have an America Online in their midst.

The name change also alleviates the concerns of media, whose copy desks have been struggling over whether to refer to AOL as "America Online" or "that bastardized Internet unit that Time Warner is suddenly pimping out again."