Ben Widdicombe throws another brainteaser at us! And this time, we're not sure what to think.

Which Hollywood megastar couple likes to have the hotel where they stay in New York clip flattering pictures of them and their child from the celeb weeklies, to put in frames before they arrive at their suite?

Whoever it is must be super famous, totally desperate for attention and obsessed with keeping up their public image of a close-knit nuclear family and showing off their only biological artificially inseminated child. But who could it be??

According to today's Page Six, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are in uproar over a case of identity theft…with a twist.

A blond-haired, blue-eyed fashion student, who claims to be a virgin, has changed her name to Katee Holmes and is launching a porn career in which she'll be deflowered in her first movie…

Holmes' camp is weighing her possible recourse. A friend of Katie told us, "It's really kind of sleazy, using her name like that."

A spokeswoman for Cruise said, "Obviously, Tom would support Katie in anything she decides to do about it."

Naturally, the real Katie Holmes is said to be extremely offended by this unsolicited "tribute."

When reached for comment, a disgusted Holmes reportedly branded her namesake an "opportunistic hussy," then waved to the paparazzi and marched into her brand new mansion to simulate sexual relations with her famous movie star husband.

Honestly, they're happy…They have a great life and they love each other. For some reason, the media cannot experience that. They must put in things other than the simplicity of it…It's hard to give a detailed explanation on something that's simple. Honestly, do any of you have a great boyfriend or girlfriend? It's not a big deal, right? You have fun hanging out, and you like talking and sharing your ideas. It's exciting. That's their relationship.

–Jenna Elfman [via People]

To get your mornings started right, we thought we'd enlist the help of those investigative journalists over at Us magazine. Today, they bring us a tale of woe, public deception and inner strife, by giving us a behind the scenes look at a couple commonly referred to as "TomKat." This story, as with many of Us' exposes, is rife with information and (unsubstantiated) facts, and as we are in no way capable of recapturing its original brilliance/eloquence, we've decided to give you the thirty-second summary:

Tom Cruise is a crazy Scientologist stalker who once left the Beckhams "18 messages in one hour to get them to join the church." Even more scandalously, Tom's wife, Katie Holmes, sometimes talks to her new best friend Victoria Beckham on the phone for hours. Also, Cruise's rep issues an overly zealous denial that may or may not be a load of crap.

Cruise's rep tells Us, "This is completely false. Tom does not and never has encouraged anyone to adopt Scientology."

Of course he hasn't! When Tom and Katie go out with Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, they're obviously just talking about last night's episode of 24 and JLo's blossoming film career…aren't they?

• In between hitting touristy "hot-spots" and shopping for hideous Day-Glo hats, Britney's been getting hammered and not tipping at Marquee.

• Oh, and Brit skipped Heatherette so as not to risk a run-in with Paris. And cause she didn't feel like "bringing baby-fat back."

• Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are just like two crazy teens…except when they're more like two crazy Scientologists.

• Tom Cruise reportedly spent 50K on a bed; Katie Holmes reportedly wonders, 'yes, but when will I get to sleep in it?'

• Mary-Kate Olsen gets drunk, makes out with random guys at Bungalow. Related: Ashley Olsen relieved that MK has claimed the role of "slutty twin."

• Are Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber having a baby? Was it conceived during one of Schrieber's infamous romps on the Staten Island ferry?

• American Idol boots one of its contestants for allegedly smoking the reefer. A drunk Paula Abdul slurs, "wait, so now we're firing people for substance abuse?"

• TomKat prove their highly publicized love is real by dry-humping on a table in front of tons of grossed-out celebs.

• Prince proves he's still a sexually-charged guitar god by "plucking his strings" behind the magic curtain.

• Jade Jagger proves the apple doesn't fall far from the tree by acting like a drunken shitshow mess on a Virgin Atlantic flight.

• 50 Cent proves his luck is picking up by banging hip-hop hottie Ciara and not getting shot.

• Mandy Moore proves she'd never diet for a role by dissing Nicole "Toothpick" Richie. (Ironically, Moore says nothing about whether or not she'd fake-date DJ A.M. (a.k.a. Richie's ex) for publicity).

• Ron Jeremy proves that while looks eventually fade, gargantuan penises are capable of wooing racist hotel heiresses until the end of time.

Posh Spice has apparently decided that it was time she finally cleared up those pesky Scientology rumors.

The former Spice Girl (and wife of hottie/soccer legend David Beckham) has privately denied having any affiliation to the pseudo religion, in spite of her budding friendship with TomKat. And while Posh was unable to offer any other acceptable justification for her sudden closeness with loonies Mr. and Mrs. Cruise, she wasn't exactly wishy-washy about her feelings on L. Ron Hubbard and his ilk.

According to the New York Daily News, Victoria reportedly went so far as to bash the, um, religion as being ridiculous, and&even more importantly—really, really pricey:

"There's no way I'd spend any money on that nonsense," she told a friend recently about the faith founded by author L. Ron Hubbard.

Says another pal: "It's completely laughable that there's even talk of her becoming a Scientologist. Just because people are friends with someone doesn't mean they do everything they do. Scientology is like kabbala in that it's become all about money. Kabbala bracelets are now $28! It's a joke."

And while we certainly believe the part about Scientology being a whole lot of nonsense, we're not sure we really buy Posh's denial…until, of course, we got to this part at the end:

As the pal puts it: "Scientology is an expensive religion; Victoria is too cheap to convert."

Phew! For a second tbere, we thought that Victoria "Bobblehead" Beckham actually had a halfway decent head atop those teeny tiny, skeletal shoulders…But now we see her objections to Scientology have more to do with her love of maxing out her husband's credit cards than her reluctance to forsake her religion in favor of real-life science fiction.

And somehow, the world seems right again.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever done to impress a crush? How about trying out a new religion, perhaps a cult-like religion that believes in aliens, hierarchies, and giving all the leaders your money?

No?

Well, that's what American Idol star Katharine McPhee confessed to having done when she was asked to clarify rumors that she was asked to sing at the TomKat wedding (false) and whispers that she's a full-fledged, L. Ron Hubbard follower (mostly false):

I actually just did meet [Tom and Katie] the other day and they were the nicest people I think I've probably ever met. I'm not a Scientologist. I've clarified this rumor over and over again, but people will keep saying that I am, but whatever. I took a couple of courses. It was really all about a guy. It was a guy that I was totally obsessed with — not obsessed with but totally into and, you know, guys and girls can do that to our lives and make us think we're into something that we're not. But I don't say that Scientology is a bad thing. I met a lot of wonderful people in Scientology, so when I say I'm not a Scientologist I don't mean it like "I AM NOT A SCIENTOLOGIST!" I actually had a very positive experience in Scientology; I just chose that it wasn't for me.

Talk about your dream girlfriend! Not only will McPhee cook, clean and sing** in the shower, but she'll even obsess over you to the point that she'll come this-close to joining a cult, all in the name of fatal attraction true love.

We can only hope that someone from this year's crop of Idol wannabes has that same sort of spunk that says, "not only do I have what it takes to (almost) win American Idol, but I'm even willing to join a pseudo-religion where Tom Cruise is Jesus Christ and science-fiction writers are kings."

**almost as well as Idol winner, Taylor Hicks