Life after reality shows are a tricky thing, and not just for the obsessed fans that have to go back to watching scripted(!) television until a new season starts. Since almost all popular competition shows — be it Top Model, Project Runway, or Top Chef— go in cycles, the journey, inevitably, seems more exciting than the destination. Which is to say, once the winner is announced and the second placer goes home empty-handed save for their end soliloquy, nothing seems to change.
These people don't become famous in the ways you would imagine: first season Top Model winner Adrianne Curry is the most well-known of all Model winners, and that's only because she parlayed her success into other reality shows like Surreal Life, where she eventually met fame-whore and ex Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, and the two of them spun their relationship off into yet another reality show for VH1…and the spiral continues downward.
As for Project Runway, the success of the winners, and their subsequent prize of $100,000, seems to do little to launch their professional careers. Chloe Dao, winner of season two, is working for the home shopping network QVC, while first season winner Jay McCarroll is selling tshirts online. Not exactly the glamorous lifestyle imagined after being crowned by Heidi and Tim.
But there is one exception to this reality show obscurity rule. And you can probably guess which hot tranny mess that is:
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Bravo has a rap sheet about thiiiiis long for stealing show ideas from other networks and making it work. Real Housewives of Orange County was nothing than Desperate Housewives with a pinch of The O.C. thrown in for good measure. Step it Up? More like So You Think You Can Dance: Vegas Edition. And you don't need to be told what the celebrity hosted (if Niki Taylor counts as a celebrity) model show Make Me a Supermodel ripped off.
The only thing the network can call it's own is Project Runway, and hell, they already lost that. So what's in development for the style-biting network next? Hint: It's not an original idea:
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Frank Bruni talks some smack about his favorite TV show, Top Chef.
His complaint: The celebrity chef guest judges just disapprove of the contestants’ food, they don't actually cook themselves. Well, they are to judge, not to compete.
But the celebrity chefs who do cameos on the Top Chef judging panel, greeted by awe-struck stares from those contestants, recall the actors and actresses in the tic-tac-toe boxes of The Hollywood Squares. They’re transmitting their fungible star wattage, and they’re a long way from their supposed day jobs.
It goes unsaid is that Frank Bruni doesn’t cook either, but is a renowned food critic and would be happy to visit the Chicago area for the next season.
Actually, celebrity chefs and ex-celebrities have a lot in common: Inflated egos, ten extra pounds and a willingess to appear on cable TV.
Frank Bruni seems desperate for a guest judging spot on Top Chef.
Early in the season on the Diner's Journal blog, Bruni played hard to get, questioning whether eliminations were based on ratings or food. Last week, Bruni played it sweet, complimenting the judges for eliminating Howie despite being a ratings draw.
Surely Bruni’s stature as chief food critic for the Times is more of a draw than the random Bombay Sapphire "mixologist" who was a guest judge earlier in the seaon. So could it be Bruni’s ethical obligations to remain anonymous as a food cirtic are keeping him out of judges’ table?
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Another night, another party and another chance to remind ourselves that we're not nearly as fashionable and glamorous as we like to think we are. Yes, Fashion Week is upon us, which means shapeless pillowcase dresses are the new black and naturally slender is once again the new morbidly obese.
And yesterday, we spent the better part of our evening ogling the reality stars of yesteryear at the Bravo/Entertainment Weekly party for Tim Gunn at the Soho Grand and marveling at the fact that somebody had the lack of foresight to serve miniature Reuben sandwiches at a snotty skinny-person party.
As always the event was, well, eventful.
• David Letterman celebrates his 25th year of being almost as funny as Johnny Carson.
• The New York Times reports a $648 million loss in its fourth quarter earnings; An official spokesperson shrugged and said, "hey, mo' money, mo' problems."
• According to Judith Miller, Scooter Libby told her Valerie Plame was a CIA. agent three times…then dared Miller to "repeat it in front of a mirror on Halloween and see what happened."
• Maria Bartiromo inherits Anderson Cooper's title as the "Paris Hilton of journalism."
• Remember when Graydon Carter threw a temper tantrum over an inconveniently placed scaffolding? Well, how's he going to react to news that nobody wants to buy his crappy $5 million movie?
• We really didn't need a whole article in Slate to tell us why Top Chef is a huge disappointment.
• Time Inc. pledges to take more risks, fire "even more people" over speakphone.
• TV vets Gail Berman and Lloyd Braun form a joint production company. Related: George is getting "very upset."
• Scooter Libby didn't call Tim Russert up to tell him Valerie Plame worked for the CIA; he just called to bitch about something he'd seen on NBC's Hardball.
• Jack Shafer: The WSJ insinuates Money Honey funny business by not insinuating anything at all.
• The Top Chef finale is spoiled again for all those die-hard Top Chef fans who missed it the first time.
• A Time Inc. exec is suddenly insisting that People's not merging with Entertainment Weekly, which begs the question: is People merging with Entertainment Weekly?
• After the pre-Super Bowl press bonanza, even Chicago Bears fans are sick of hearing about the Chicago Bears.
Our inbox is often home to many an email we don't want, care for, or shouldn't be seeing. It's often a dumping ground for some of the most entertaining pleas for advice, as well as many a subscription complaint for Celebrity Living (remember that mag?). But yesterday, one brave soul grew so tired of reading all Leslie Sloane Zelnik's soundbites for Lindsay Lohan and Sienna Miller — and asked us to help her start giving them:
Is Ms. Zelnik (or any other publicist) looking for an executive assistant? If so, please have them contact me via e-mail.
We know you're reading us, Leslie. So if you do have an opening for an interested candidate to field the dozen daily calls from Page Six and the LAT, send us an email. We've got your gal.
Can Us Weekly weather another scandal? It's gonna have to, though at least with Timothy McDarrah, the Wenner tabloid can say he's no longer on their payroll. Which is great for Janice & Co., because McDarrah was just convicted in a Manhattan court of soliciting sex with a minor. The 44-year-old former Las Vegas Sun reporter (seen here in April '05 at Paula Froelich's it! book party) was found guilty on charges of trying to get with a 13-year-old, except this little girl was all Dateline: To Catch A Predator and actually just a federal agent posing as a little lass. And you all know how much we hate posers.
McDarrah, of course, was let go from his "Hot Stuff" column duties at Us following his arrest last year. And if only he didn't offer $200 to the FBI agent, he could've been part of Colleen Curtis' welcome wagon! Sad face.
• Well, Angelina Jolie having her baby in water is one way to baptize the newborn Christ. [Velvet Hot Tub]
• Sienna Miller, unlike Nicole Richie, actually wants to wear a bra again [Hot Online]
• Have no fear reality television lovers (that's you Molly) Top Chef will return for another fun filled season of angry chubby people. [Mediaweek]
&bulll; Jessica Joffe is a bad socialite. Also, we would like to ask Zac Posen, wha? [Gawker]
• Peter Kaplan gives the New York Observer a svelte new make-over. Yeah, we're a little turned on. [NYO]
• Uh, is it ok for Sean Connery to beat up chicks just because he's James Bond? We're going to say … maybe. [MSNBC]
Let's play a game Jossip likes to call "Who's the Dumbest Person on Television?" We vote for the dude who wants to jet ski in a hurricane, and the whigger who wants to get his ass beat with a frying pan.
Luckily, we have Intern Molly, our special television correspondent, to gather all the freakshows up and put their charming quotes in a Simon Cowell filled Easter basket for you to skip around with.
Or, y'know, just read. The top five are after the jump … and they're totally worth it. Ryan Seacrest even made us laugh … out loud.
10. "Heaven and hell, earth, power, wind, force, make me listen and my strength will be my source." —Jade, ANTM
9. "Actually, I AM a lesbian, and the fact is I CAN take any one of your girls any day of the week! This is why I hate people."—Paula, Real World: Key West
8. "Our food was fly."—Stephen (the whitest man ever), Top Chef
7. "She's looking good from afar, but when we get close she is looking far from good."—Adrian proving his wit on 8th & Ocean
6. "I'm not your bitch, bitch."—Dave, Top Chef
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Because all those TMZ.com emails about every note sung and Coca-Cola drank on American Idol already make us queasy, we made Intern Molly watch this week's round of reality TV. She rounded up the best soundbites from a growing selection of shows, even though you probably already caught them in last week's preview of this week's programming.
10. "She constantly has diarrhea of the mouth and the mindless blabber that comes out of her mouth drives me insane."—Tarek on Charmaine, The Apprentice
9. "She's like a linebacker who's so big but can't tackle."—Guest Judge Roy Campbell on Sarah, America's Next Top Model
8. "I don't know whether to give you a record deal or a straight jacket."—Paula Abdul to Taylor Hicks, American Idol
7. "You can understand chemistry but you can't understand the concept of a phone?"—Brooke to Nnenna, America's Next Top Model
6. "I have the snot rag right now."—Kellie Pickler, American Idol
The Top 5, after the jump.
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When you get a bunch of wannabe models and Donald Trump together, well, the topic will inevitably turn to boobs. From the geniuses of Top Chef to the geniuses of America's Next Top Model, Intern Molly has rounded up all the pointless crap coming out of these people's mouths.
For a group of folks who are so percentage wise, they really do sound like a bunch of freakin' fools. The top five, along with today's most talk about sentance, after the jump.
10. "Love is such a distraction. It is a beautiful thing, but it will kill you." —Jade, America's Next Top Model
9. "I kinda wish you went in, because I was just sitting there waiting, and I didn't know anyone, and all the girls had like double D's."—Kelly to Sabrina, 8th & Ocean
8. "I am in the top three percentile of everything I do."—Stephen, Top Chef
7. "If this was America's Next Top Tramp [Brooke] would be a keeper."—Jay, America's Next Top Model
6. "Passions, isn't that that soap opera that has like Wolverine jumping out of the closet and Dracula and all that crazy shit?"—Sean, 8th & Ocean
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Because Paula Abdul's been curbing her craziness and Naomi Campbell out-psychoed everyone else, these bitchy little quotes may not seem so outrageous. But, they are. Laugh at these people, people. Because if you can't laugh at dumbfucks on television, who can you laugh at?
10. "It's harvest season, ya know?"—Sean to Teddy, 8th & Ocean
9. "Harold and Steven can go make out somewhere, because I'm done with them." —Dave, Top Chef
8. "Andrea doesn't know how to play in the sandbox. I actually know how to play in the sandbox." —Roxanne, The Apprentice
7. "Why you talking about two girls when they're not here when there are like one million girls here?" —Vinci, 8th & Ocean
6. "Keep in mind that you have zero friends." —Tarek to Dan, The Apprentice
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Those America's Next Top Model kids are flippin' hilarious. When Intern Molly sat down with seven hours of TiVo this week, she had no idea what she had coming to her. The fact that The Apprentice contestants and Top Chef folks act dumber than the 8th&Ocean cast really really scares us, but we guess that just goes to show that this Reality TV thing really is kind of catchy.
Oh, yes, and of course we have more proof of Paula Abdul's "craziness" (otherwise known to our readers as "drunkenness"). So grab a coke glass, fill it with rum, and get ready for girl showers, cat fights, and the odd smells coming from Brent. But don't forget the sweetest bites … after the jump.
10. "Furonda looks like a squashed bug under a petri dish"—Nigel Barker
"A pastry dish?"—Miss J, ANTM
9. "What I love about this Taylor, is that someone should be shooting this and making an exercise video out of it."—Paula, AI
8. "My skin is just as good as your skin."—Sabrina
"We're not the same. Okay. Get it straight."—Kelly, 8th & Ocean
7. "I don't think Andrea's an expert in graphics design. The only thing I think Andrea's an expert in is being an asshole, and Andrea, you might be joining Tammy in a taxi cab, and I hope you both have a good time smelling each other's crap because you both stink!"—Brent, Apprentice
6. "If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, it is probably best to remove yourself." (Sure that's how that phrase goes.) —Steven , Top Chef
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Oh, how we do miss Santino so very much. To fill the void, we had to adopt the cast of America's Next Top Model and Top Chef for this week's round-up. The Apprentice kids still manage to say to darndest things, and, 8th & Ocean gives us the bitchy ditziness that had been snatched along with our darling Project Runway.
Intern Molly has the top 10 quotes of the week, straight from the reality stars' wagging tongues.
10. "You know, there's nothing in life that's fair. Like some people would say it's unfair that Brent is here because Brent has been a complete disaster. You understand that, Brent?"—Donald Trump, Apprentice
9. "You look like you've gone to Dolly Parton School."—Simon Cowell to Kelly Pickler, AI
8. "Jesus is my maker and he is my husband."—Brit at Model's for Christ (sic) meeting, 8th & Ocean
7. "Taylor, your appeal is that you're like every dad who has ever got drunk at a wedding."—Simon, AI
6. "Whatever I make, it's gonna be sexy. It doesn't have to be dick. It doesn't have to be balls."—Cynthia, Top Chef
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Nope, this isn't Jim McGreevey's new Sunday brunch spot. It's where Bravo is taking its new reality show Top Chef for episode two, which airs Wednesday. Let the Crisco flow freely.
Editorial Director
