A long time ago, nearly everyone who wrote for The New Yorker did so under a pseudonym. Some were clever (Dorothy Parker's "Constant Reader") some not so clever (Maeve Brennan's "Long-Winded Lady") and some just bizarre (E.B. White's "E. Bagworm Wren") but all were infinitely more imaginative than a simple, run-of-the-mill byline.

And, after an enlightening look back in this week's edition of "Ask The Librarians," we here at Jossip hereby move that The New Yorker bring its pen-names back.

To this end, we've taken the liberty of coming up with a few suggestions, respectfully submitted based on the writers/contributors in the current issue.

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Normally, we don't feel so bad for Nat Ives. The AdAge magazine industry beatboy has a pretty decent gig, though no, perhaps not as much as Freeloader. But there are certain instances when the likable lad needs a more free-wheeling outpost.

Like today, when he broke news of Neal Boulton's exit from Men's Fintess. We all know Neal has been carrying on a kind of relationship with – and likely leaking about – Jann Wenner. Wenner, meanwhile, has his wife and boyfriend to think about. (Neal, also, has a wife and kids that might be of some concern.)

So when Nat read the official release – that the 2.5 year veteran EIC is leaving, after a brief leave of absence, to "to write a book and pursue his humanitarian issues, such as obesity" – you knew he had to clench his teeth, bite back any urges to throw in a "canoodling," and settle for merely mentioning that Neal has been "subject of tabloid gossip when the New York Post's Page Six recently claimed he had been 'spotted around town' with Jann Wenner."

We're sorry, Nat. We know it can be rough out there with corporate bosses.

Whenever we get the chance to roll in the hay with our gay cuz Queerty, we take it. And thanks to the misfortunes of PlanetOut Inc. – owner of Gay.com, Out, The Advocate, and RSVP Vacations – we're getting laaaaaaid! As Queerty was among the first to report, PlanetOut's outlook hasn't been so rosy. Sinking share price. Execs selling off stock. Cash strapped operations.

Now Queerty brings word that the situation is even more dire. Reports in the SF Gate claim that without a cash infusion, PlanetOut will run out of dolla dolla bills by the end of the year. It's not just hard out there for a pimp; it's hard out there for a gay media conglomerate who thought its well-lubed infrastructure would help cut costs and boost profit.

Meanwhile, during a recent interview with Out editor-in-chief Aaron Hicklin, we were assured that the future of his magazine was safe. He wouldn't comment on the LGBT ticker symbol's troubles, but his glossy rag is, supposedly, treading water just fine.

You know, the glossy rag that's loaded with ads for its parent company's RSVP Vacations — the same RSVP Vacations that's being blamed for much of PlanetOut's woes. Not that all the guys who used to cruise Gay.com are now on MySpace, Facebook, and Dlist or anything.

Three days ago, the Chicago Sun Times scared the living bejesus out of us by whispering that "Nancy Grace reportedly wants to replace Rosie O'Donnell on The View." Thankfully, after a sleepless weekend, ABC is now this-close to officially calling "bullshit."

"I hear a new (rumor) every day, but there's no truth to any of it," a spokesman tells the Macon Telegraph. "There's been no decision (on O'Donnell's replacement), there's no announcement upcoming."

Also: "Grace's representatives declined to comment on the record, dismissing the talk as just a rumor…."

And so, Nancy Grace's fantasy job remains but a pipe dream. But chin up, Nancy! One day, we're sure you'll find another environment equally well-suited toward blathering, estrogen-fueled, opinionated (yet ill-informed) rants.

In order to better understand CBS' ratings slump, USA Today and the New York Times previously rounded up spin comments from CBS News prez, Katie Couric and even legendary anchor, Dan Rather! But will Katie retain her trademark optimism even in the face of adversity? Apparently, yes!

These things don't turn around overnight. We're trying to do a smart, compelling, engaging broadcast. If you live and die by the ratings, it's really distracting and can turn you away from your mission, which is hopefully doing the best show you possibly can.

Meanwhile, Sean McManus put it all in proper perspective, reaffirming that there has "never been any discussion" about changing anchors. Not because Couric's $60 million contract has left the network strapped for cash, but because she's really, really good!

Surprisingly, however, it's former anchor Dan Rather who offers the most logical explanation for the present ratings decline.

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Wallstrip – the Wall Street web video program featuring Lindsay Campbell trying to make the Nasdaq hilarious – is being snapped up by CBS News, we're told, for something in the $5 million range. An announcement is expected early this week, perhaps Monday. Part of the deal involves Campbell being the next Amanda Congdon: frontin' for CBS' web initiatives.

A moment of nostalgia: Back in November '06, Lindsay interviewed Wallstrip investor Fred Wilson, of Union Square Ventures, who, naturally, called the site "the next big thing." It certainly is, at least for Les Moonves' balance sheet.

It's probably worth noting at this juncture that Wallstrip – backed by Howard Lindzon – doesn't make any money. No ad revenue. Nada. Good luck with that!

In today's New York Blade (the gay weekly made of newsprint, not glossy paper with escort ads), porn impresario Michael Lucas takes on Queerty, Jossip's blog for homos, bis, and chicks with dicks. Queerty, you see, has written much about Michael, from his gay sexcapades to his thoughts on politics. They even asked readers to vote on which new publicist-approved photo the site should start using. That made Michael mad, so he tore into Queerty with a rant that, as far as we can tell, criticizes the site for claiming an award that was, in fact, bestowed up them. But we're not one for semantics.

We are, however, one for retorts. So read Queerty's.

How appropriate that only one day after Newsweek editor Jonathan Alter lets fly just how shoddy Radar's reporting practices are, the new issue of Ron Burkle's favorite magazine arrives for us to find something to be appalled about heading into the weekend.

We've already shown you what to expect in this, the second issue of the mag's third life: Inside amateur Internet porn! Spider-Man 3 was expensive! Rufus Wainwright gives good interview! And, of course, Lindsay Lohan agreed to pose for us even though we barely devote any of the article to her!

So what actually went on this time around? A lot of "entry points" and "lists" and "sidebars," to speak in mag parlance: Where Bush administration officials go when their careers explode; analyzing Oprah's signature; pricing tell-all books from celebrity editors' assistants; celebrities giving the finger; worst places to die; hot guy in his underwear. Oh, wait, that was an ad.

What, then, was worth talking about?

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You ever notice how, anytime there's a really twisted movie, a violent video game or a new underground trend, there's always some stupid kid who comes along and ruins it for everyone else? You know, like those teenage girls who fell into a life of prostitution after seeing Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.* Or those juvenile delinquents who got caught busting cars and attributed all the blame to Grand Theft Auto.

Now, it's all well and good to claim you were stealing cars because you saw it in a video game and thought it looked cool, but we all know that's not what really happened.

In all likelihood, you got caught stealing cars because, well, you're a criminal—the kind who steals shit. And because, by the time you were ten years old, you already knew how to hot-wire the ignition, strip the car down and hock all the sellable parts in under 30 minutes flat.

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It's rather bizarre to see the Los Angeles Times care about, let alone report on, that whole industry going on in its backyard. You know, that industry where they make movies and stuff? Oh, right, Hollywood. Even more out-of-place is the LAT mentioning a celebrity's name — so what are we supposed to do with Deborah Netburn and Joseph Kapsch's 12-step program for Lindsay Lohan to get back on her feet?

Among this twosome's suggestions for La Lohan: Stay home. Go back to school. Muzzle mom. Get a paparazzi game plan (can you believe the LAT mentioned the paparazzi?). Get a chauffer. Reevaluate the friend situation. Find a good man. Practice hair continuity. Magazine covers are for movie promotion only. Lose the singing career. Welcome yoga into your life. Leave us for a while.

It's gonna be hard, given that she's prone to violate everyone of those rules. In an evening.

Just as we start making ourselves giddy over last pairing of current Us Weekly online editor Noelle Hancock and former Us "TV face" Katrina Szish having a merry reunion on last night's Red Eye, word arrives that Katrina has landed at the competition. WWD reports that Katrina has signed on with Time Inc.'s In Style.

No word yet whether her contract will allow her to talk, email with anybody at Harper's Bazaar.

By now, most of you have undoubtedly noticed Us Weekly's contraversial new feature, in which they rip on all the celeb weeklies (except Us, of course!) for publishing error-riddled, clumsily researched, faux articles, based on out of context photos, anonymous sources and decade-old quotations.

And now, EIC Janice Min explains the rationale behind Us' decision.

"The industry of celebrity magazines is the only thriving niche in magazines," said editor in chief Janice Min. "This sort of blatant abuse on the newsstands of selling covers really threatens the category. The whole idea of faking news is wrong."

And you know, she's right! Faking news is sooo wrong, except if you're The Onion, or Saturday Night Live.

Or, you know, a sleazy Wenner Media publication, williing to do anything (even claim to have integrity!) to outsell its competitors, who—we hear—are just a bunch of dirty little liars.

While Rick Stengel was making friends all over the place at Tuesday night's Time 100 party, Ana Marie Cox was not. The Time.com Washington editor, we're told, was not an invited guest at the dinner portion of the evening — and as you can imagine, she wasn't pleased. If they could make room for random execs from Time's stable of advertisers, surely they could accommodate Ms. Wonkette.

Even after pleading with Time Inc.'s own events team for a dinner seat, she wasn't given one. So how'd she end up at the dinner? By resorting to our favorite third-grade tactic: stealing someone else's chair.

And she wasn't going to let the miced-up in-house organizers forget it: Once inside, she fired off a text message to one particular staffer who denied her request, saying only, "Ha!"

But Ana wasn't alone: We also hear Julia Allison wasn't given a proper seat either, which would explain her table hopping athletics. Though, in all likelihood, she would've bounced around the room and sat in laps either way.

It's going to be a reunion of sorts on tonight's Red Eye, a show where Canadian conservative crazy Rachel Marsden gets to defend Don Imus for merely calling Rutgers' basketball team a "dirty diaper." Greg Gutfeld, we hear, is welcoming Us Weekly's online editor Noelle Hancock, as well as the tabloid's former public face Katrina Szish, who's likely appearing on behalf ABC News. Yes, the same ABC News where she conducted an interview with a Life & Style editor (knowing full well, ahead of time, that the competing tabloid's staffer was the guest) and proceeded to get fired from Us.

Sure, the show's website might be listing In Touch Weekly's Tia Williams as a guest, but we hear Tia is on the midnight train to Georgia. Or D.C. (Disclosure: Tia is the sister of Stereohyped editor Lauren Williams, and appeared, awesomely, in that Marsden segment.)

Which leaves Noelle and Katrina to yammer on as Greg cheerleads the sniping between two of Janice Min's veteran beauties. It's almost enough to consider tuning in for.

Update: Turns out, Tia was on last night's show. So much for having an insider at your own blog company who knows where her sister is.

After ten years as Britain's Prime Minister, Tony Blair is reportedly calling it quits, announcing plans to throw in the towel and step down after a new PM is elected in late June.

"I've been prime minister of this country for just over 10 years," said Blair. "I think that's long enough for me, but more especially, for the country."

Though he didn't mention the words "Iraq war" once when announcing his resignation, Blair nevertheless apologized (albeit vaguely) to the British people "for all the times [he's] fallen short," adding "I did what I thought was right. I may have been wrong—that's your call."

And, while Britons are still adjusting to the news of Blair's impending departure, the initial reaction back in America has already been somewhat mixed.

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Depending on how you look at things, the exits at Star we're just hearing about – not to be confused with those other exits – could be bad news for an already-struggling tabloid, or good news for new EIC Candace Trunzo, as she aims to trim the fat and install her own regime to kick sales back up. Either way, the news still comes just after publisher AMI finally got around to reporting how bad its financial outlook is, which is certain to get in the way of the cheer we feel reporting this crap.

• New York chief David Caplan yesterday announced his exit, says an unverified source, and while he does know where he's headed, he wouldn't tell his bosses — so they asked him to leave immediately.

• Meanwhile, senior reporter Sue Rodezba told Star last week that she was taking a job at Life & Style. She, too, was asked to pack her things right away.

• And PR coordinator Nekiesha Walker – who was left to run things mostly by herself after they axed Kate Ottenberg – has tired of also being Bonnie Fuller's gopher. "Apparently so traumatized by taking on new duties as being Bonnie's personal assistant she is said to take time off to travel," says a source. "Overheard in pantry talking about realizing between publicizing that Lindsay buys a new dog to nuking Bon's coffee that life is too short." Nekiesha has put in her two weeks notice.

While it isn't in our nature to ring up Star and ask for their side of things, something tells us a phone call to, uh, Nekisha might not be the best move right now.

After the harpooning Katie Couric went through this week after Nielsen revealed there are fewer people watching her newscast now than ever before (okay, we're exaggerating … a little), it's only fair that she gets to tell her side of things. So whether it was CBS News spinster Gil Schwartz (doubtful) or Katie's personal publicist Matt Hiltzik who pitched USA Today for a rebound story, it was a worthwhile move: Industry scribe Peter Johnson is running her spun-positive soundbites today. (To be fair, they were cherry picked from his Q&A.)

They include such gems as "I knew this was going to be a big challenge," and the this-should-be-on-YouTube "To get out of your comfort zone is not always comfortable."

So why is Johnson's column where Katie's camp chose to voice her humbling acknowledgment that CBS brass isn't pleased with her? Perhaps because they've been on Katie's up and up in the past.

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While we've already done our one-two punch with Us Weekly, there are some other tabloids worth talking about. (We're told.)

For instance, how is In Touch's Richard Spencer feeling about Paris' sentencing? What matters more to Sarah Ivens than Lindsay Lohan's blow documentary? These are questions that need answering, so we grabbed this week's tabloids and forced Intern Joseph to wade through them all. It was a thankless task, but we learned this much: Candace Trunzo's Star magazine is really into lezbo prison sex.

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You're only reading this for the boldfaced names. So fine, let's cut to the chase: Martha Stewart, Richard Branson, Michael J. Fox, Cate Blanchett, Brian Willams, John Mayer, Gayle King (sans Oprah) and Elie Wiesel were there, separately of course. Not to mention America Ferrera, George Lucas, Arianna Huffington, Ziyi Zhang, Elizabeth and John Edwards, Brian Grazer, and Malcolm Gladwell's hair. And yes, there were more. Like those girls behind The Secret.

And, now that we've got that out of the way, we can get on with telling you about last night's Time 100 event. For starters, it was at Jazz at Lincoln Center at the Time Warner Center, which is akin to, say, you throwing a party in your own 80-story glass tower. Except it wasn't you, it was Dick Parons.

It's Time's third year in a row throwing this bash, which is part marketing gimmick, part celeb worship, and part excuse to impress Jordan's Queen Rania (and, of course, Julia Allison) with the Central Park view.

Time Inc.'s publicity team can rest assured: They've succeeded in all three.

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Who would've imagined Us Weekly would've had the balls to show its face – wearing somebody else's story – on the newsstand today after last week's blunder in calling out the mistakes of other tabloids while refusing to face its own. But balls they do have! Just flip to p.52 of this week's issue and you'll see Janice Min's low hangers: Another two-pager from Mark Cina on the competition.

This week, he's focusing exclusively on Bauer's Life & Style and In Touch, going all the way back to 2005 to call bullshit on some Brad and Angelina cover stories.

But really, should a celeb rag that claimed, with absolute certainly, that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was at the hotel in Vietnam with papa Brad during the Pax adoption – when she was actually at home in Los Angeles – be pointing fingers?