• Tori Spelling claims that her hubby's ex-wife is pretty sad. Yet, Tori's acting career is somehow even more pathetic. [Page Six]

• Nobody gives a fuck that Katie Couric left the Today show. Good luck, CBS. [ABC]

• Remember that paparazzo who claimed Bruce Willis is the reason he chipped a tooth? Yeah, Bruce is suing. He would like it very much if we didn't label him a badass. [TMZ]

• When Kate Beckinsale is breastfeeding, watch out. That woman can shoot milk like you've never seen. [Sun]

• Why would you write a "tell-all" about Tom Cruise if you didn't have anything to tell? Seriously, can't he just hit up that albino monk for info? [The Awful Truth]

When VH1 sent us the press release about Tori Spelling's upcoming reality show, we had but one single thought: How is Aaron Spelling's pulse still beating in Hollywood? And then came our answer: "Tori sings, Tori dances, Tori stars in her own TV show… but this time, it’s not produced by her father." For that reason alone, we've subjected ourselves to spreading their buzz. And also, Tori looks a fool here, so why not share?

Full press release (with song lyrics), after the jump.

CONTINUED »

• First Brian Austin Green, now Tori Spelling. We want a Luke Perry sitcom damn it. [ET]

• Oh, it turns out Lindsay Lohan didn't just call Scarlett a cunt, she called her a bloody cunt. We thought that was Mischa Barton? [Gawker]

• Ellen Degeneres dares to corner Tom Cruise in a bathroom, where he promises to name his child Ellen if it's a girl, and Dellen if it's a boy. And the creepiest part was when he opened Katie Holmes's coat revealing her swollen belly. Then he started rubbing it. It was terrifying. [The Scoop]

• This probably deserves a little more than a once sentence mention, but we are way too petrified to tackle the subject. We don't think we can handle another molester puppet show. [TMZ]

• We thought Heath Ledger felt that "kissing a man was like kissing a person." Now it's just like kissing a girl? Our Jake Gyllenhaal fantasies just got a boost. [IFM]

• Just like Jennifer Lopez, Tori Spelling really wants to be married. [People]

• He may not be sexy, but he's definitely a geek. Sean Lennon absolutely needs to get laid before 2006, ladies. Hey, he's John Lennon's kid — that should count for something. We think he should find a nice gal who doesn't read the Post on J-Date. [Page Six]

• Sienna Miller keeps her cards close, and her PR reps closer. [AP News]

• What do have to hold us over until Angelina Jolie's bump is officially three month old? Naked photos of Brad Pitt! Well, rumors of them, anyway. [National Ledger]

• Mira Sorvino plays a cop in her next role: acting deputy sheriff of Lackawanna County, Pa. [Rush&Molloy]

• Congrats, Heather Mills McCartney. With J. Crew agreeing to ban fur from its clothing racks, you've managed to make a name for yourself aside from "Paul McCartney's wife." [Lowdown]

• Nicole Richie was the object of Naomi Campbell's affection at Bungalow 8 the other night, when the Tyra Banks foe put three feet of space between them before she screamed how much she hated the reality star. Though we've got to agree with Naomi: Bitches should get slapped for hanging out with Nicky Hilton. [Lowdown]

• Despite rumors that Fox was going to move American Idol to Wednesday and Thursdays to challenge the powerhouse-that-isn't on NBC, it's going to keep the off-pitch fest on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. No need to confuse the tweens. [NYDN]

• If Jayson Blair had his way, Judy Miller would've rocked the Times. Though in his drunken state, he put it much more eloquently. [Page Six]

• Wait, fading Christian rockers get drunk, go on TV and make asses out of themselves? [Lowdown]

• Britney Spears has turned to a psychic to pull her through her marriage woes, since having her little sister blog about it hasn't helped much. [The Scoop]

• If it wasn't Us Weekly's Alyssa Shelasky whose canoodling with Nick Lachey ruined his marriage with Jessica Simpson, it must be another brunette. Right? Right? [TMZ]

• Oprah: Denied at Hermes, denied at the country club. [Page Six]

• Lovely. Tori Spelling is procreating. [PR Newswire]

Damn Tori Spelling and her media smarts! Just as we were wrapping up the week on Friday, she went ahead and had her publicist (or some other "source") announce her breakup with husband of 14 months Charlie Shanian, ensuring (like a Bush administration snafu) fewer people would hear the news.

Their July 2004 wedding – described as "lavish" by 99 perecent everybody and their mother – welcomed 400 guests to daddy Aaron Spelling's Beverly Hills manse, including most of the 90210 crew.

But the romance is over, and now it's our job to find their Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney breakup equivalent. And the winner is? Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley, who lasted a full six months longer than Tori and her hanger-on actor-husband.