As it turned out, “train wreck” was not only the perfect expression to describe Ms. Spears’s listless lip-synching, but a recurring theme for 2007, a year when many prominent figures from every arena of public life did harm to their reputations and livelihoods in devastating fashion.This year celebrities seemed incapable of limiting their misdeeds to isolated bad choices: a flop movie, a regrettable interview quote, an on-air feud with Rosie O’Donnell. At times, their behavior was flat-out abnormal. If you were hoping to see your least favorite Hollywood princess fall on her crown, 2007 provided a parade of tempestuous starlets shaving heads (Ms. Spears), crashing sports cars (Lindsay Lohan) and checking into rehab (Ms. Spears and Ms. Lohan) or prison (Paris Hilton).
-"A One-Way Ticket to Disaster," Dave Itzkoff, The New York Times, on why we're excited to get hell out of 2007.
[Photo Credit: DitMartian via Flickr]
"Now her words are slurred, her eyelids drooping. Her head wobbles into a nod. She falls asleep for a second, wakes with a start, mutters and drops off again. The smoldering cigarette in her left hand falls to the floor. 'Oh, God, what is wrong with me?' she asks, coming to. 'There’s something wrong with me … '"
Even worse? It's all downhill from there. [Blender]
In addition to firing her hair stylist, forgetting to lip-sync half of her (admittedly) forgettable song lyrics and clumsily teetering through the beginner dance steps in her less than stellar television comeback, a less-than-sober Britney Spears also committed one other performance faux-pas:
"She had an ab-defining spray tan preshow to create the illusion of more tone."
Unfortunately, it would seem that there's no quick fix for an all KFC/frozen margarita diet. Or, as it turns out, back-fat. [Us]
As we were scrolling through Us Weekly's website yesterday (as we are sometimes wont to do) a story with an inadvertently amazing headline caught our eye: "Britney's Ex-Manager: I'm Trying to Avoid This Mess"
After seeing this picture, we couldn't agree more.
Calling all aspiring film stars! Are you a morbidly obese African American male? Do you habitually smoke cannabis, lip-sync along to "Hypnotize" and occasionally refer to your significant others as "bitches?" Have you banged Lil' Kim?
If so, you might be PERFECT for the role of rapper Biggie Smalls in an upcoming biopic! Auditions are currently open, so send in a video of yourself doing your best "Big Poppa" impression (preferably something that shows you eating or rapping) and let us be the judge!
NOTE: This employer does not *technically* discriminate based on race, sex, gender or musical ability, however thin white people need not apply.
And now it's time for…Paula Abdul sobbing uncontrollably for no particular reason. Okay, fine, there's ostensibly a reason (something about getting fired or demoted or something?) but we don't really get it because Paula's about as coherent here as she is after three of those trademark "painkiller martinis."
Either way, it hardly matters. One hardly needs context to appreciate this moving footage of a tear-stricken Paula throwing a temper tantrum, and angrily questioning her belief in God.
Crazy? Yes. Repetitive? Yes. But it's worth sticking through until the bitter end, when Paula's obligatory annoying friends try to console her, only to be interrupted by a hysterical Paula, who yells, "You guys, please! I'm trying to tell a GODDAMN STORY!"
[via INO]
* Although maybe we should start!
On the same day People "exclusively" reports that a sober and miraculously healed Lindsay Lohan has checked herself out of rehab comes rumors that there are naked photos of LiLo (snapped by ex-fling Calum Best and hacked from her home computer) circulating around the internets.
Amazingly, uber-flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick has trouble even feigning indignation.
Regarding the photos, Lohan's rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, told Page Six, "Anything is possible."
And as if that wasn't enough to lead a recovering alchy to drink, comes further news that her guardian and tutor on the set of Mean Girls (a Canuck by the name of Andrea Dena) has penned a salacious roman a clef centered around a completely fictional promiscuous/alcoholic teen star named Maddy Malone.
Although she has yet to explain why she shaved her head, tattooed her body or developed romantic feelings for—and a sexual attraction to—Kevin Federline, Britney Spears has nonetheless provided a bizarre explanation for why she went ballistic with an umbrella one night in early March.
"I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella," Spears said in a statement posted Wednesday on her Web site. "I was preparing my character for a roll (sic) in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part."
In other words, Brit didn't grab an umbrella and start pounding some dude's car because she's crazy. She did it because she's a lousy actress. Which, frankly, already knew from watching Crossroads.
Dina Lohan is, apparently, not nearly as flexible as she would have us believe. Those plucky Page Sixers have outed her for the fraud that she is: a wannabe Rockette with no formal acting experience.
DINA Lohan, the leggy mother of Lindsay, is always described as a former Radio City Music Hall Rockette - but she's not. After an inquiry from The Post, a spokeswoman for Radio City called back to say an exhaustive search found no record of Dina Lohan, or Donata Sullivan (her maiden name), ever being a Rockette. Execs at Cablevision, which owns Radio City, were said to be indignant anyone would claim to be a Rockette who wasn't. "It's like claiming to have a degree from Harvard when you don't. It's a big deal to be a Rockette," said our source.
And while we're not totally buying the public outcry (we'd have felt more comfortable with the "it's like claiming to have a degree from Tufts" analogy) we are rather unimpressed with Mama Lohan. Sure, we already knew she was a lousy mother, a former trophy wife, a victim of bad 80's hair and an coke enabler who exploits her own daughter. But to lie about being a glorified high-kicker?
Now, that's just plain wrong.
How embarrassing! Jessica Simpson was spotted "sporting unkept hair, sneakers and two different sweatsuits" on May 30th alone, not to mention "shlubby lay-about gear" after her breakup with Nick Lachey, circa Thanksgiving 2005!
Worst still, Simpson recently had the audacity to run a five minute errand, without first stopping to have her hair professionally blown-out, or even bothering to prep with a 5-hour makeup session.
We'd like to thank Us Weekly for alerting us to this fashion trainwreck, and express our concerns to Jessica in this time of need. We hope that someday she'll learns to cope with her emotional hardships and failed relationships in a more mature and dignified manner, that in no way involves any incarnation of the phrase "shapeless loungewear."
Meanwhile, someone get this girl some Prozac.
Now that Lindsay Lohan having checked herself back into rehab, Britney Spears is angry at having lost the spotlight, Michael Lohan is suddenly comfortable doling our parenting advice and the celebrity weeklies are fighting tooth and nail to one-up each other with breaking Lindsay "exclusives."
Us Weekly offers us "Lindsay's Rehab Timeline," Star retaliates with "Lindsay Update: Her Dad Says She's Abused OxyContin" and TMZ explains the reason behind Lindsay's fight with DJ Samantha Ronson just before the crash (and no, it wasn't a "lover's quarrel.")
Fortunately, the New York Times is on hand to shed some much needed perspective, and to handle the subject with the maturity and decorum we've grown to expect from the Grey Lady.
As we write this, we’re looking out the window and salivating over the picture perfect weather outside, currently being wasted on lazy unemployed persons and pretentious NYU students. And so, for your sanity and ours, we’ve decided to kick off a glorious new feature called “Comment of the Day,” to provide a transient glimmer of entertainment for all you working stiffs who would much rather be downing margaritas poolside on the Jersey Shore (while fending off advances from married, guidos named Tony) than slaving away in your cubicles.
Today’s “Comment of the Day” comes to us from PerezHilton.com, and it was sparked by these (uncensored) pictures of the self-proclaimed supermodel—and world-renowned alcoholic—Janice Dickinson.
If she's the worlds first supermodel…then why had no one even heard of her before reality tv? –Pinky
Congratulations, Pinky! We actually couldn't agree with you more.
Thanks to everyone for playing "Comment of the Day," and remember: there may only be one winner, but there are never any losers.
Except, you know, Janice's poor, innocent son and daughter. Say, this is almost as embarrassing as that time she admitted to having sex with over 1,000 men on The Howard Stern Show!
Three days after the Virginia Tech massacre, fifteen hours since NBC's controversial decision to air the campus shooter's multimedia manifesto, and in the wake of the Supreme Court's stunning 5-4 decision to uphold the federal Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act, the following email missive was received in our inbox:
Slow news day?
Here’s a chance to let your readers know about an amazing contest! Fans can get creative with their favorite midnight fantasy and send a photo entry that best conveys the experience to a panel of experts. Judges will select the top photos, which will be featured on the Britney Spears Beauty website. The ten winners will receive a 30-gigabyte video iPod autographed by Britney Spears.
Note to the publicist for the Tick-Tock Photo Diary Contest:
1) Today is, most certainly, not a "slow news day."
2) There will never be a news day slow enough for us to advocate a contest wherein readers send in their "favorite midnight fantasy" in the hopes of winning an iPod autographed by Britney Spears.
3) That is all.
Say, remember Larry Seidlin, the zany, highly emotional and occasionally sexist Florida circuit judge who theatrically (and through intermittent tears) awarded custody of Anna Nicole Smith's body to her infant daughter, Dannielynn?
Well, looks like he's one step closer to doing what he does best: delivering bizarre, tear-streaked verdicts that demonstrate a complete and utter lack of jurisprudence, legal savvy or coherent thought…all in the name of good television.
Seidlin, who was reportedly "inundated with at least 200 phone inquiries from TV recruiters" (including CBS) is now said to be squeezing in a barrage of production meetings on the west coast.
The objective?
CONTINUED »
Here's the clip you never knew you wanted: Tara Reid slaughtering "Total Eclipse of the Heart" in front of an unforgiving crowd.
And while it's a far cry from the Amazing Profanity-Laced Old School version, Tara definitely nails the Tone Deaf Alcoholic angle.
Sadly, it's audio only, so use your imaginations to reconstruct the visual. C'mon, we all know she's at least wearing something slutty.
(Clip via PH)
