• Doctors from Transylvania that move to New York end up turning psychotic, just like doctors who move to New York from anywhere else. Or anyone who moves to New York. [NYP]

• New Yorkers could all die from the flu, but don't worry, we have a plan. [NYT]

• The Post got it wrong about its celebrated "NYPD Jew?" Such unwarranted hilarity!. [NYDN]

• A councilman wants to know where the city's money is going. No, really. [Metro NY]

• The MTA begins testing the Smart Card, which means New Yorkers will no longer have to exert energy swiping their cards — the much less stressful tapping option is just head. [NY1]

• The Triborough Bridge turns 70 years old today. Still safe though, right? [NYT]

Yey! It's been a while since we got patted down on the 6 by someone other than Creepy Beard Guy With Missing Buttons.

New York City Tightens Transit Security After India Railway Bombings [AP]

• Top on the Magazine Publisher Association's agenda: figuring out how not to suck the life out of glossies. [FBNY]

• Should you trust President Bush or NYT exec editor Bill Keller? Well, it depends if we're talking facts or lives. [Slate]

• When delivering the news about Kenneth Lay's death, aren't the former Enron exec's ties to the Bush administration relevant? [Media Matters]

• Religion has no place in the classroom, the courtroom, or, for that matter, our subway stations. [Gawker]

• If coked up models can land lucrative contracts, why not homeless models? [FBNY]

• On Spring Street, a disavowed Murdoch son sells for nearly $15m. [NYO]

• It's easier to remember a list of celebrity fuck ups when they're put in a convenient list format. [AskMen]

• It's our first "apparent ocean drowning" of the summer. And our first "apparent buzzkill" for the Fourth of July. [NYDN]

• Across the Hudson, Donald Trump fumes at the possibility grandmas with buckets of quarters won't have a slot machine to stare at endlessly. [Reuters]

• People have jumped in front of our subway trains before, but surviving the hit? Failed suicide sucks. [amNY]

• Brooklyn gets its own Bob Marley Boulevard, which might have just a slightly better impact on property values than a street named after Martin Luther King Jr. [OTBKB]

• Construction workers have a little problem deciding what to do with themselves. [WABC]

• "Flip-flopper" takes on a whole new meaning in New York, but still mantains the "damage to your career" bit. [Reuters]

• Our parks are not as good as yours, so there. [NYP]

• This may be your last chance to see Governor's Island before somebody actually decides to do something with it. [NY Sun]

• While some are blaming the New York Times for the 9/11 attacks, the Times would prefer to just blame everyone else. [NYT]

• The MTA is working hard to make sure "ride the bus" isn't just a college drinking game. [Gothamist]

• So what if this girl wants to be different and where a tribal cloak to her graduation form Hunter. Does the school really need to punish her? Having rocks thrown at her by the other kids wasn't punishment enough? [NYT]

• Crack is whack, Lindsay Lohan. Please, listen to the New York Post. They're tyring to help you. [NYP]

• More people want to blow up Omaha, Nebraska than New York City? Yeah, we can buy that. [NYSun]

• Finally! Now we have a place to keep our mace during those midnight jogs through Central Park. [NYM]

• It's guys like David Geffen that make it impossible to live in Manhattan anymore. [NYO]

• We hope somebody sent this New York Post article to Peter Braunstein. He's been out of the sex fiend loop for a while. [NYP]

• Alright, guys. What the fuck? Who let those cab driver people talk to those MTA people? [Metro]

The current fron page of the Times' New York Region section:

Perhaps it'd be wise to clarify that thousands are stuck in their hometowns. Not stuck, you know, on the trains still.

Thousands Are Stuck as Trains in the Northeast Go Dark [Patrick McGeehan, NYT]

Know what's more disgusting than this Subway?

The subway you took to work this morning. Sad that we must issue a survey to confirm our fair city's subways are growing grimier, smellier, and filled with more Chris Noth sightings than any metropolitan region should have to tolerate (but so important an issue that we need to bring up the issue twice).

But such is the case, according to new data results from the Straphangers Campaign, the big-time rider advocacy group (or at least as big as a rider advocacy group can be). Has your commute to Midtown been affected by more than construction on the 6 line? By which we mean: What's that Courtney Love-lookin' stain on the back of your pants?

In what it called its eighth annual "subway shmutz" survey, the group found two lines, the E and the M, so abysmally grimy that more than 95 percent of their cars had dirt-encrusted seats or floors. It attributed the problems to cuts since 2003 in the amount budgeted by New York City Transit, the arm of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority the runs the city's subways and buses, for scrubbing and mopping the cars.

"The grimy bottom line is that subway cars are becoming dirtier," said Gene Russianoff, staff attorney for the Straphangers. He said the survey, conducted on 22 subway lines from Sept. 2 to Jan. 5, took into account only the cleanliness of seats and floors, following a procedure used by the transit agency's own inspectors. Litter and graffiti were not considered.

Also not taken into consideration: rat populations, elevator stench, or the man crapping in the center of the Times Square station as you try to transfer to the 1 train.

Sure, they've been talking about building a Second Avenue subway line for decades — and today, nothing changes. Except that the Federal Transit Administration has done one better than simply talking about the project. They've green lighted it.

The next step: breaking ground. The hope is that the first leg, from 63rd to 96th streets, will be ready for use by 2012.

Just like the first step in rebuilding Ground Zero was, you know, breaking ground. And we all know how well that worked. Luckily, the MTA has set its sights low: the new line won't be complete until 2030, and by then the city is surely to look like The Day After Tomorrow, anyhow.

FEDS FINALLY ABOARD 2ND AVENUE $UBWAY [Geoff Earle, NYP]

The next time you miss the NQRW because you need to re-up your MetroCard, consider this: When you swipe your AmEx, the MetroCard kiosk will be swiping you for any explosives remnants. Or at least that's the plan.

This vending machine not only sells MetroCards - it can alert authorities when a potential terrorist is lurking and instantly lock turnstiles.

Two companies have teamed up to develop a machine that can detect whether the straphanger who just touched the start button or screen has recently handled explosives.

Alerts - including a digital image of the person at the machine and the type of substance detected - can be quickly transmitted to law enforcement officials, company officials said.

The device can be programmed to lock turnstiles at the station - and potentially beyond.

The machine will not, however, be able to determine whether you're a wanted firefighter-outfitted rape suspect — because that would involve really tricky technology. And the locking the turnstiles bit? Brilliant. As we all know, would-be bombers aren't the type to hop the gate.

Newest terror foe may hide in your MetroCard machine [Pete Donohue, NYDN]

CNN's on-air advice for travelers trying to get into New York:

The best thing that people can do if they're trying to fly into New York is .. not to do so.

Brilliant! Especially since MSNBC's all-Olympics coverage means Randy Meier isn't around to dish travel tips.

Know what gets us riled up? Giving ourselves two hours for transit time when taking the E train to JFK and still managing to miss our flight. Sure, we could throw down the $55 on a towncar, but if we wanted to toss out the JetBlue savings on transit just to get on the plane, we can think of plenty of other commodities to splurge on. Like fedoras.

And then there are those folks whose expense accounts keep them from even having to worry about the cost of airfare, let alone the cost of the transportation to to the tarmac. Which is where U.S. Helicopter Corporation comes in.

The chopper outfit is teaming up with the federal government to launch a new service next month that will whisk Wall Streeters from downtown to JFK in just nine minutes. Even we wouldn't call the $140/one-way price tag completely extravagant, and neither will the Morgan Stanley types. But the real benefit goes beyond the quick trip: Boarding a helicopter to JFK will also get you through security screenings faster, since your bags will get the bomb-sniffing treatment on the helipad, not outside the terminal.

But fear not, Midtowners. A 34th Street "federalized" helipad is on the way at a pricetag of $560,000. Yep, that's $560k toward improving the travel experiences of the wealthy and elite, while the rest of us will continue to be subjected to TSA security officer Bernie, who we're pretty sure was instructed – twice – not to make contact with our crotch when she waves the wand over it.

New Helicopter Service Promises Wall St. to J.F.K., in 9 Minutes [Patrick McGeehan, NYT]

Earlier this morning we turned your attention to Alessandra Stanley's overbaked (and yet, somehow, still undercooked) assessment of how the MTA strike was the best possible news story for local stations: all the helicopters and breaking into regularly scheduled programming that 9/11 called for, but without that obnoxious side effect of death and destruction. What we did not point out, however, is that neither Alessandra nor her New York Times editors know how to use Google.

And when WABC's local "Eyewitness News" pre-empted "Good Morning America" for a second day of live coverage, the morning anchors Steve Bertelstein and Lori Stokes looked as if they were blissed out on hash brownies.

Actually, the M4M colleague stalker of a WABC morning anchor is named Steve Bartelstein. Tomato, potato, right?

Media Ode to the City That Walks [Alessandra Stanley, NYT]
Earlier: Katie Couric's cackles rain down on our frozen faces

The same folks who have caused you to lose your job, not be able to send your children to school and walk 60 blocks to check in on your ailing grandmother would really, really like you to have a Happy Holidays.

The enterprising folks over at Blog NYC have already latched on to the transit strike and flipped it into a perfect markeitng opportunity: The transit strike tee.

You've already got the blistering toes from your walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. Now get the T-shirt to match.

Transit Strike 2005 Tee [Blog NYC]

A smart-thinking athletic staffer over at ABC sends in this report of a subway- and bus-less morning commute to HQ over on West 66th Street. On rollerblades.

Number of guard rails stumbled over - 5

Number of people crashed into - 3

Falling flat on my butt in front of ABC - Priceless

Surely the escalator ride up the elevator bank went much smoother.

Never before have we felt such a strong need to do some original reporting with today's fresh off the frier MTA strike. It's just like when Time Inc. slashed 105 people from its staff — we tried the method approach and took the day off, too. So earlier this morning, for the sole benefit of Jossip readers, we hopped in a taxi and traveled across town just to see what the experience would be like.

We started off on 9th Avenue at 8 o'clock this morning, waving at cabs with their medallions lit up and wondering why the hell they weren't stopping to pick us up. Sure, we received the AP alert in the wee hours of the A.M. that the TWU called a strike, but it's not like we bothered to read Mayor Bloomberg's contingency plan to figure out just how this clusterfuck of a contrived system was supposed to work.

As we watched five, six, seventeen cabs go by us with their lights lit up and their seats stuffed with passengers, we finally understood how this worked: free for all. There is no "system." No "plan." If a cabbie happens to agree you're showing the right amount of leg, he's going to stop and offer you a ride — with a $10 starting price (hopefully you're not leaving a "zone" .. What is this, Washington D.C.?).

It took us about 12 minutes to finally hail a taxi with an empty seat. We shared the ride with two female strangers, neither of whom spoke. Or smelled. We couldn't have been more delighted.

But the best part of this whole ordeal? Not having to watch the meter, since you know no matter how many MPHs the cabbie clocks on a partially barricaded side street, you're still paying the same flat fare. And not tipping.

Needless to say, we arrived home as scathed as we would on any other day.

In other words: Keep flailing that gloved hand. Nobody's coming. The hypothermia will set in soon and this whole MTA strike will be nothing but a distant memory.

New York Forecast [AccuWeather]

The first transit strike since 1980 strike is upon us folks, and if you actually made it to work this morning, we salute you. As much as we would have loved to walk the Brooklyn Bridge with Mayor Bloomberg this morning, we actually have no reason to ever leave the dregs of our apartments.

But, honestly, is being locked out of the subway really be your worst nightmare? Coming face to face with Peter Braunstein was ours, until recently. If this whole thing is totally killing you, though, hopefully laughing at the thought of all those stranded tourist will relieve some of that pain. It's sure doing the job for us.

So if you're unfortunate to work under, say, Jann Wenner, you might not actually get today off. We hear the New York Times already has transport vans running around town picking up staffers (that was managing editor Jill Abramson's idea). As for us? We're making the interns walk.

Just so we're clear: Mayor Michael Bloomberg's "four to a car" MTA crisis plan stipulates that – should MTA workers strike and effectively render subways and buses offline – you must have at least four people in a car to enter Manhattan below 96th Street. But once you're on the island, feel free to dump the corpses off at the nearest loading dock.

Earlier: Bloomberg has our interests in mind
Earlier: MTA Showdown: Day 2
Earlier: Everybody loses in a transit strike
Earlier: Phew, the subways are safe
Related: All MTA coverage