Madonna may be fronting the Kabbalah-backed charity Raising Malawi, but girl needs to brush up on her U.S.-Africa relations if she's gonna use her sales pitch. The Material Girl, who will be pitching New York City on her new album, Hard Candy, at the Roseland Ballroom next week, premiered her documentary I Am Because We Are, about Africa, last night at the Tribeca Film Festival, trashing the U.S. government's African outreach while failing to mention the (somewhat paltry) $35m we send them every year in aid.

But her foreign relations ignorance was only the half of it for one unamused gossip-slash-critic especially with the way Madge forced her mystical Jewish offshoot on audiences without giving 'em a head's up.

Is Madonna the new Tom Cruise? At least he makes it painfully clear about the crazy stories he believes in.

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Cindy Adams, who publishes her column by stringing together press releases and the parts of the day when she's conscious, brings us news of Tuesday night's party opening the Tribeca Film Festival, thrown by Vanity Fair, which has had blue balls ever since Graydon Carter canceled the Oscar party. No-need-for-first-names Seinfeld, Gandolfini, von Furstenberg were there, as were L. David, A. Huffington, H. Weinstein, and R. De Niro. So what, besides the guest list, did the uninvited miss?

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Alexis Arquette may be getting shit for perhaps, maybe, possibly being not a transexual but "merely" a cross-dresser. And yes, perhaps Alexis Arquette is getting shit for her reality show never getting picked up, which meant she had to make the movie Alexis Arquette: She's My Brother, which premiered at Tribeca this week. But she's also handing it out to Us Weekly's West Coast senior editor Ian Drew, telling Huffington Post, "Eventually I started to realize his work as a tabloid reporter might have SOMETHING to do with our friendship."

In unrelated news, the mobs of reporters trolling Bungalow – and, effective immediately, Pete Wentz's Angels And Kings – are refilling your coke stash because they genuinely are interested in how Hollywood is out to get you.

Wherein we scour the bleak copy of various news outlets to remind you why you love this city so much. Suggestions? Hit tattle@jossip.com.

• People living near the MTA on West 13th now have 100 hours of wind from 6-foot fans to look forward to. [NY Sun]

• Some lucky New Yorker could find a penny worth over $1,000 thanks to Scott Travers and his need to spread the love of coin collecting. Or, in this case, spending. [NYT]

• Bicycles for seven are impounded. And yes, they really do exist. [NYT]

• Cocaine is such a problem at nightclubs that they actually have to be reopened with monitors at the doors. [AMNY]

• The monitoring also extends to schools, where police are now allowed to conduct random screenings for weapons. Which means lots of embarrassed menstruating girls. [AMNY]

• The Tribeca Film Festival comes chalk-full of sex tape secrets. [Metro]

• New Yorkers need to be screened for depression — a direct result of not being able to get our coke into clubs. [NYP]

As the Tribeca Film Festival nears, each day is filled with anticipation, excitement, and at least a half dozen press releases from Rubenstein PR — yes, that Rubenstein PR. Normally we completely ignore them (only emails with subject lines about "comp tickets" do we open), but this one got our attention for its subject: "Tribeca Film Festival Announces Premiere of M:i:III."

Yes, that M:I:III, which means that Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise, the most exciting and successful action star in the world, returns to one of his signature roles, Secret Agent Ethan Hunt, in the summer’s most highly anticipated action thriller, “Mission: Impossible III” – and Cruise will celebrate the U.S. premiere of the film on May 3 at the Tribeca Film Festival with a full day of screenings and events throughout Manhattan as part of “Mission: NYC.” Bringing the film and Cruise directly to fans and filmgoers, “Mission: NYC” kicks off with Cruise appearing live on “TRL” in Times Square and culminates nearly six hours later with the U.S. premiere of the film at the Festival.

“We’re thrilled that Tom Cruise is bringing ‘M:i:III’ to the Tribeca Film Festival and New York City,” said Tribeca Film Festival co-founder Robert De Niro.

Even for Rubenstein, we're shocked they used the language "the most exciting and successful action star in the world." It may be true, but not for the reasons they'd like to highlight. And if things go accordingly, Katie Holmes will be welcoming her first child into the world at New York Presbyterian the day before.

The full work-of-Scientology press release, after the jump.

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